Affair - Please help me!

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have nobody I can talk to about this, literally. So I’m hoping that my buds here can offer some advice please, without passing judgment.
I’ve been married for 15 years. It’s a decent marriage, my husband loves me (I think) and is an excellent father to our two young boys. Hub and I are very different, I’m very sorry to say that he’s not the brightest bulb, yet he tries. I’m very bright and quick, so sometimes his lack of desire to better himself mentally causes disdain. Our sex life sucks. I haven’t enjoyed sex for about twelve years. It’s a fucking (ha!) chore. Just something else I have to schedule into my life and I allow him to touch me and get his nut twice a month because I feel that I’m supposed to, but there’s no passion at all. I’d just as soon never have sex with him again. I tell him that it’s because of the Zoloft I take, which is a contributing factor, but certainly not all of it. I can hardly bear his hands on me. But, due to our family and home, I love him, just not in love with him and haven’t felt that way for a very long time.

FF to about three weeks ago. I got to thinking of a very old friend of mine. We met when we were twelve, in seventh grade, and always had a thing for one another. All of my life I’ve truly believed that he was the one, and that we should have been together. Circumstances in life prevented that. We’ve stayed in contact furtively as friends all during my marriage. He is my best friend, yet my husband knows nearly nothing about him. He’s single, with two older teenaged kids.

So, about three weeks ago we met for a chat and I finally told him all the things that I’ve thought and felt for the last thirty years. He agreed, he’s felt and thought those things too. We agree that we’re soul mates, and that it should be US that are married. We talked about being old together and such. We kissed, and the whole world melted away. We agreed to an affair. He told me he’s loved me all these years too.

Now, I’m actually happy everyday. I’m playful with my husband and more affectionate, presumably because I’m happy. I feel no guilt. This is what Og intended and the fates have finally brought it into being. I FEEL NO GUILT. I would never, ever tell my husband, I’d rather die than hurt him like that. This is something that I’ll bear, and happily, all my life.

Maybe this shoulda been in MPSIMS. But I’m hardly feeling mundane right now. I had to get it out. I actually feel relieved now. I started a MySpace page so I could share these feelings somewhere but haven’t used it yet.

I read in the Cheating/Orgasms thread that a poster had maintained an affair for five and thirty years. I want to be the thirty year one. I’m also aware that sometimes these things just fizzle out, so be it. So, in the spirit of IMHO, what say all of you? I am very committed to my kids, they will NEVER suffer due to my whims.

Thanks for bein on the show!

2

With all due respect you sound like you’re being VERY selfish.
Unless your husbands an axe murderer or something of the like; HE DESERVES TO BE TOLD. He certainly DOES NOT deserved to be lied to. No matter how much [del]pain[/del] guilt poor little you would have to endure after you told him.
If there’s an ounce of humanity left in you; Don’t tell him about the other guy. Just tell him it’s over.
I really don’t know what else you expect to get from this thread.

3

It never stays just an affair. Not for anyone even remotely effected. Everyone will get broken.

4

Poppycock. She is happy. Her marriage is actually better because of it. The only reason she should leave her husband is because she suspects he is as unhappy as she is/was with their marriage.

Now if RSSchen finds herself doing stupid reckless things that might make it likely that she will get caught, she should stop one or the other relationship.

You only have one life to live, why spend it being miserable?

5

Don’t expect anybody here to help you rationalize being a cheater and a liar.

Zoloft implies some kind of therapist, right? Go ask them. Or talk to a divorce lawyer.

Bullshit. If they find out, or if your husband finds out, they’ll suffer.

You’ve only got a couple of moral choices: suffer through the next few years until the kids are all 18 and/or out of the house, and get a divorce. Or get a divorce right now.

Turn it around. How would you feel if you found out that your husband was running around with some woman from high school? What that’s the only thing that kept him sane enough to be in your presence? Would it really make your relationship any better?

6

Absolutely despicable behavior and I wonder how you can look at yourself in the mirror with any sense of pride, respect, or honor.

The complete lack of honesty to yourself and your family, while you simultaneously brag online about your dime-novel romance, shows volumes about your character. It’s terrible that your husband (and your children) have no idea what kind of person you truly are. I just hope your distorted sense of reality stabilizes itself before you completely destroy the lives of everyone involved.

7

Yeah, this (thread) isn’t going to go well.

I’m going to try to get in here early and say that I’m so happy you’ve found happiness, but I can’t get behind what you’re doing to your husband, even if he doesn’t find out - which is is huge IF.

I’m glad you’re enjoying sex and in love and your friend is happy. I just have trouble believing that someone so bursting with joy that she has to share it on not one but two message boards is going to keep things on the down low for long. Living a double life is fun and adds to the excitement at first, but if you need to share so desperately, you need to find one single real life Secret Keeper who will take this to the grave.

In my world, that’d be my husband. Y’know, the one I promised to God ‘n’ Everybody that I’d put first? That doesn’t mean, in my little polyamorous heart, eternal exclusivity. But it does mean giving him a say in my marriage with full knowledge of my extracurricular activity.

I get what Uzi’s saying, and I think in a different world (one where a woman couldn’t support herself after a divorce or would get packed off to a convent after being cast off), I would support discrete secret affairs. But in this world, you could make it on your own or with your new love.

8

Because in a marriage, you make certain commitments to another person, including to not fuck other people without the other person’s consent.

If she doesn’t love her husband, she needs to either suck it up and divorce him, or suck it up until the kids are out of the house, and divorce him.

9

I’m not sure what advice you’re asking here, or if you just need a shoulder to cry on. I’m good for the latter, not so good for the former.

But I’ll say I’m pretty much an expert on feeling a serious disconnect with being with the one I want and the one I have.

I’m a little torn on whether I would advise you on “You made a promise, keep it”, and “Go for it!” I guess I would have to say that you should hold off on the affair until you talk to your husband and/or a marriage cousellor. If your True Love is really your True Love, he’ll understand and wait for you. If he doesn’t, he’s not your True Love.

Is it possible to feel your husband out in an indirect way to see if he’s also miserable in the marriage? It’s possible that a split might be the best thing for both of you, and the kids as well. It’s equally as possible that it’s the worst thing.

It might help to remind yourself of why you married in the first place. If you really were in love with your husband, try to reconnect to the reasons why. If you married him because you were desperate, lonely, or you wanted the whole white picket fence myth, be honest with yourself about that.

Sorry I can’t be more help than that. This is one tough nut!

10

You have already harmed him, and the boys. They just have not not found out about it yet. You started hurting them when you did not work these issues out with your husband. There was a reason you married him in the first place. What happened to the reason you married? When it went away, how much did you really talk about it and try to fix it?
The time and attention you spend on your lover are stolen from your family. I suspect you are lying to yourself about your husband’s brightness. People commonly seek their own level in a mate’s intelligence. It sounds like you where poisoning the well by fostering feelings of contempt while wasting TWELVE YEARS of a man’s life. Doesn’t HE deserve the to have the kind of feelings you are feeling? If he could never get them from you, why didn’t you set him free and accept the minor pains of a separation from someone who could never be worthy of you, instead of burdening HIM with the emotional degradation of being lied to for a decade, as well as the humiliation and pain of having been cheated on. This is someone who cared enough about YOU to put up with your zoloft sex problems, don’t you think he would have enjoyed getting it off with someone who enjoyed him, instead?

11

I don’t think you’re as smart and quick as you pride yourself to be.

What you are doing is dangerous for yourself, your husband, and your children.

And for God’s sake, stop posting about this on the internet. Even dumb people know how to check a browser’s history.

I hope this ends up in the Pit so you can get the treatment you rightfully deserve.

12

You’re a miserable fucking bitch and if there was any justice in the world your husband would leave you and never let you see your kids again.

13

Pure rationalization nonsense. Best case scenario is RSSchen is being a dramawhore and is making this whole thing up. That still says quite a lot about who she is, but at least other people’s lives will not be impacted as greatly. Alternatively, she is posting this in the hopes that she gets caught by her husband. Often times guilty parties want their discrepancies to be discovered.

She should stop the relationship NOW, for the sake of every single person involved. If she was a human being that had an ounce of compassion or decency she would have done it when she could barely stand her husband to touch her. She should have done it before she had to make up reasons to love him. She should have done it after the affair took place and she knew that this other guy was “the one”. To choose the path that she chose to take is treacherous and selfish in degrees that are nigh indescribable.

Yea and who gives a damn if her children, her husband, and the other man’s children are all miserable as a result. They got 20 lives to live, right?

Frankly, in the forum we’re in I can’t fully convey my feelings towards RSSchen. However, if there was any such thing as karma in this world, I hope that she gets her comeuppance tenfold.

14

Seems to me that to be truly happy you need to be honest with yourself first and with your loved ones next.

Do you think your husband may be wondering why the sudden change, why you are being so affectionate as of late? Guilt manifests itself in unusual ways. A glance at a Dear Abby column will tell you that this is one of the signs to the jilted that their beloved is having an affair. You were the one that reached out to your old friend and decided to tell him what you have always felt…you are in denial if you think there is no guilt here.

That being said, I really am glad for you to have found true love. Everyone deserves to have this kind of happiness in life. You say this man is your soul mate…so why sell yourself short? If you both know you are meant to be together then why live a double life “for the sake of the children”. Kids are pretty resilient, especially if you are HONEST with them. Living a lie with your husband is not being honest with your kids.

Easy for me to say from here, I know. And yeah, it’s HARD to tell someone you’ve been with for 15 years “I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you”. I just know I would want to know the truth if I was in your husband’s position. A marriage based on a lie is no marriage at all.

Like someone else here said I really think you need to talk to a therapist, an objective third party to get some perspective. Good luck.

15

How they react is their business. Why should a person be miserable for the benefit of others?

In many parts of the world it is expected that a man will have a mistress. I know a number of guys who I work with who have 2 or more wives. Maybe the people in this thread should re-evaluate why it is they are so angry at this women. Is it because she did what she did, or because she is a woman and did what she did?

16

Much thanks to UZI, WhatNot & TDN. I really wish I had someone I could fully trust to talk to this about. REALLY!!

I AM happy, and my marriage is more upbeat than it’s been in years. I’m very discreet. And, I’m not lying about anything, simply not providing full disclosure. There’s a difference.

And unfortunately, yes, there are people ignorant enough to not know how to look at an internet browser. I have proof. I have to tell him how to delete emails. AND I clear my browser and history upon logging out EVERY time.

17

What absolute horseshit.

I’m inching toward agreeing with Justin_Bailey.

18

**HelloKitty **brings up a good point about the kids. They *are *resilient, if met with honesty.

Also, think about what sort of example you’re setting for them. Look at your daughter and think about how you want her marriage to look in 30 years. Do you want her to stay with a man she’s not crazy about, or to have the guts and honesty to create a full and happy life for herself?

And how do you propose to have a full and happy life with your friend while you still have a family and a secret? You won’t get to spend holidays with him, or your birthdays, without sneaking around and more lies. You can’t spend the whole night after sex lounging around in his arms. You can’t share your joy in him with your children. You can’t have a single spontaneous dinner, trip or vacation with him. You can’t get to know his children - a huge part of his life, I’m assuming - without sending up warning flags or creating a false persona in front of them.

Having an affair isn’t one big lie. It’s thousands of little tiny lies that keep compounding. And then it’s maintaining those lies, and lying more when you slip up. You’re teaching your kids to be a liar and you’re teaching them that appearances matter more than reality. You’re teaching them that as long as you can maintain the facade of a happy family, it doesn’t matter what dishonesty and rottenness lies at the core.

They. Will. Figure. It. Out. Even if your troglodyte of a husband doesn’t, the kids are not going to stay stupid forever. Yes, you probably have some time. Kids are remarkably self-absorbed. But sooner or later, they’re going to put the pieces together. And then it will be the shock of “Mom’s been lying to us and having an affair for 10 years! We can’t believe a single word the lying whore ever said to us!” not “Mom messed up once and Dad forgave her.”

Again, I’m happy for your happiness, and I’m all for sexually and emotionally open marriages - but they have to be honestly open and freely consented to in order to be ethical and safe. Yours isn’t. If you think your husband would be open to the idea, by all means bring it up and allow him the same sexual freedom you’ve allowed yourself. But that’s likely to end your marriage, statistically speaking. But at least it would end it honestly and ethically.

ETA: I totally get how your happiness benefits your husband, I really do. I don’t question that you can grow more in love with your husband as a result of your love with someone else. I’m sure you are more pleasant to be around, a better wife and a better mother because you feel happy and fulfilled. Preaching to the choir. I get all that, and I’m glad you see it, too. But honesty. Always honesty.

19

There are also keystroke recorders and, if he knows about the Dope in general, registering his own account and checking it from elsewhere. Somehow, some way, someone can see something in the most unexpected ways. Always, there is a way to know if you wish to look hard enough.

And if your husband did find out, would/could the kids go with him?

20

No one should be. If she loves the man as much as she does she should be with him, but why should her husband be miserable so she can have her cake and eat it too? She should have the courage of her convictions to be honest with her husband, and let him react how he does. If that means leaving her and taking the kids so be it, but why should they be miserable for her benefit, right?

Love and happiness like she describes is rare, and worthy of pursuit in my opinion. However, her marriage signifies a contract that she chose to enter with her husband. The humane and proper thing to do would be to inform the other party that the boundaries of the contract have been broken.

I didn’t know we were in a grain modeling contest, but that is one hell of a strawman you just created. Polygamy is not the inherent problem here for me (and many others I’d imagine). The deceit on her behalf is the crux of the issue.