I need coffee, not pussy, you vociferous cuntrockets!

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m a patient person.

I’m a tolerant person.

I really am.

However, I really fucking need my coffee at 2am. I work the night shift, and some nights I just really need a caffeine rush to pull me through those middle hours. I need it especially right now, while I am in this godforsaken limbo having been diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea, but stuck on a wait list for treatment.

I hate the taste of coffee and what it does to my digestive tract, but it’s literally the only thing keeping me from going facedown in my keyboard while I’m waiting for them to procure me a CPAP machine. I have tried everything else, believe-you-me. Sticking my head under a cold sink faucet, running around briskly for a few minutes every hour, vitamins, eating high-protein or good carb foods, even hyperventilating into a paper bag because some website suggested and I was desperate. Coffee is all that helps.

I go on my lunch break to the cafeteria to get my aforementioned coffee.

Half the time, there is no coffee made, or worse, TWO FULL MACHINES of DECAF. I ask you, who the **fuck ** drinks decaf coffee at 2am when they’re working the fucking night shift?

Why do you need to make that much decaf coffee? The decaf containers are so often completely full when I go to the cafeteria, and all the regular coffee pots are completely bone dry.

Coffee is one of the staples of a night shift employee’s existence.

I understand that sometimes you’re shortstaffed, and on those occasions I can forgive you not servicing the coffeemakers in favor of getting employees / customers their meals in a timely fashion, but when there are two of you down there just sitting and shooting the breeze with the security guards on break, telling dirty jokes, and there is no coffee, I get a little perturbed.

By the way, ‘p-u-s-s-y’ does not spell ‘relief’ and although dirty jokes don’t bother me and I chortle at vulgar humar as much as the next person, don’t you think it’s really unprofessional and just plain rude to be saying that loudly enough for oh, I don’t know, **patients or visitors ** to hear you? It’s still a hospital, even at 2am, you know.

I hope one of them does hear you and files a complaint.

Look, I get that working in the cafeteria is a shit job, and I sure as hell would not want to do it in a million years compared to my current job, but you’ve got to know how important coffee is on the night shift! You always have shiny, fresh coffee ready for the day shift.

I would gladly sit and wait for you to make a new pot to accomodate me, but I just don’t have the time for that. I only get 30 minutes before I need to be back at my desk and working. It takes five to seven minutes just to get to the cafeteria. Sometimes it can take up to another five or ten minutes to be served, and another five or ten minutes to be cashed out. By this time my entire lunch period is gone, and I have to run back down the halls, spilling coffee all over myself, to get back to work on time. I don’t have ten or twenty minutes more to wait for you to make more coffee because you decided to take a screw-off break.

Lollygagging fuckwranglers. :mad:

I need to invest in some sort of container that will keep a LOT of coffee warm so that I can just make it at home and tote it in with me. A regular travel mug just doesn’t cut it for the latter half of my shift.

  • An afternote: The coffee machines here are commercially sized. They’re not regular sized little coffeepots. They’re made for large quantities. There’s no reason they can’t keep the damn things full. They just don’t want to make more coffee at 2am when they have to empty and clean them all at 3 to make new coffee for the AM shift. Either I get coffee that’s practically tire oil, or I get empty pots. They also keep raising the coffee prices, and charge you extra if you take a second cup to keep your hands from burning off (yet people are allowed to come in and take cups of water free of charge at any time, though they DID try charging people who came in more than once for water, and got their asses chewed out when it was reported).

If it didn’t happen so often, I’d be a lot less pissy about it.

I could rant for ages about the assholes that run this cafeteria, but really they’re not worth the effort it takes to bitch, most of the time. I just really need my fucking coffee, and I’m tired of it not being available when most people would have the common sense to think, “Gee, Bob! Maybe people who have to stay up all night would like some coffee!”

What a concept! :rolleyes: Was your last job title 'Captain of the HMS Fucktard’?

** Afternote II: I have been waiting to be able to use the term ‘vociferous cuntrockets’ in a pit thread. I am not at all ladylike, and I curse like my Italian truck-driving daddy did. Lesigh.

Ooh. I feel the coffee kicking in, which means this rant is over. :slight_smile:

2

I was on a Navy crew when we ran out of coffee one fine night.

It was rotating shift work, a week at a time, then variable days off and moving on to the next shift. So, no one was really settled into any kind of stable circadian cycle. And we ran out of coffee for the night shift.

It was like we got invaded by the zombies too slow to keep up with the ones heading for Night of the Living Dead. It was ugly, and sad.

How do people cooking for a night shift not know to keep ‘leaded’ coffee available. :eek:

3

Bah. Missed one typo. ‘humar’ = humor. See what happens without my coffee!?

4

It’s not your fault - you were suffering a LOCC.* You can’t be held responsibile for typos under those conditions. :wink:

*Lack of Coffee Condition.

5

Insanity by reason of mental defect, and all that.

6

Two words: Red Bull

7

Tried it.

I’ve tried every energy drink I can get my hands on, honestly. I was drinking six of them a day, (which is terribly unhealthy, and expensive!) and then still falling asleep. If it weren’t for the apnea, it wouldn’t be such a problem, but they really didn’t work.

Tried Jolt, Red Bull, Rockstar, BooKoo, Monster, and Bawls, among others.

I appreciate the suggestion, though :slight_smile:

8

I don’t know, pussy used to wake me up in the middle of the night. I found that a high-power squirtgun would shut the wet critter up.

9

Do they still make quart or bigger size thermos bottles? If you got it hot before you filled it would it keep the coffee hot long enough for you? I seem to remember the small one I had for school did a pretty good job on soup.
Did a quick google check and they do. Unless you really want the trip to the cafeteria to get the adrenaline flowing?

10

Possibly the ‘leaded’ coffee urn is empty, while 2 decaf ones are full, because all the other night-shift workers are, like you, buying regular rather than decaf? Seems likely. (Which ought to be a clue for those cafeteria workers at night!)

P.S. I’ve seen those small, 4-cup or so, coffeemakers that sell for less than $20, and plug into a regular outlet. Wouldn’t it be worthwhile to buy one, and stick it in the back room around your work station? Then you could have your own coffee, whenever you need it, and save the lengthy walk to the cafeteria.

11

I work night shift on the ambulance. While I’m not a coffee drinker, I prefer other caffeine delivery routes, I’ll be right at the barricades with you. I know how my co-workers are when they’re coffeeless. Same way I was when I couldn’t find a place with a working Diet Coke fountain ANYWHERE! :mad:

12

I’ve got two yappy little Siamese at home. I’m sure they’d keep me up, but alas, I cannot bring them to work with me.

They don’t like the squirtbottle, either.

13

I agree, it’s empty because everyone’s buying that stuff. As you said, that should be a clue, you’d think.

Problem is, why are they making more decaf when there’s already one full decaf pot, and they know no one buys any? It’s not like it’s a tiny pot (commercial/industrial size) and they’re going to run into a mad rush of 100 people suddenly wanting decaf. They end up having to throw it away.

Not a bad idea about the small coffeepot. I might invest in one for such occasions.

14

Just curious, have you tried caffein pills? I don’t like coffee either. I occassionally take a caffeine pill like Vivarin. If I remember the box right 1 pill has the same amount of caffeine as 2 cups of coffee.

I don’t know if it is still on the market but there was a brand of bottled water called Aqua Joe that had caffein added to it.

15

All the beverage vending machines here were busted the other night, and I wasn’t able to get away from my station long enough to make a cafeteria trip. I could have cried.

16

Also Penguin Mints. I believe it takes 3 mints to equal a cuppa.

17

I have tried caffeine pills, but they weren’t terribly effective. I really don’t know why coffee helps when other things containing caffeine don’t seem to help, or if it’s just some placebo thing, but coffee is really all that helps. Then again, when I tried the caffeine supplement, it was about a year ago, and I wasn’t suffering this terribly from apnea, so it may be time for another shot at it.

I’m not sure it’s so much the caffeine that helps me stay awake as it is the beverage itself. Drinking a hot beverage seems to perk me up a little, and it’s usually freezing cold in the lab, and I have very poor circulation, which also makes me sleepy.

I’ve seen that caffeinated water, and been tempted to try it.

18

I used to toss penguin mints into my Bawls :smiley: I love the cinnamon ones.

I haven’t tried them again recently, though.

19

Leah, you seem too edgy, you should switch to decaffeinated coffe.
Runs for cover

20

Careful how you run, or your location will change from a noun to a verb.