You think you've got problems?

[Winston Smith]

I've got a gopher living under my shed. My daughter has named it Zoe, and my wife has forbidden me to harm it.

Top that.

[Boyo Jim]

I've got an aunt who can talk for 3 hours straight on the phone about absolutely nothing, and I have to go visit her next Sunday.

If only I could stuff Zoe down my aunt's throat, we'd both be happier.

[freckafree]

Gopher? HA!

I'll see your gopher and raise you a groundhog.

[engineer_comp_geek]

[Carl from Caddyshack]
Licensed to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit -- ever. They're like the Viet Cong -- Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.
[/Carl]

[Shagnasty]

A came in here to console you but I see you just have the classic gopher under the shed dilemma. I have always found that pretty easy to fix.

My secret family recipe: Rent, borrow, or buy the following:

1) 5 Jack Russell Terriers
2) 3 Maine Coon Cats
3) One Border Collie
4) One John Deere Tractor (Model not important).
5) 100 feet of 2 1/2" hose
6) Eighteen bottle rockets (exhibition quality).
7) 200' steel cable
8) One small shovel
9) One hand-carved RIP sign.

The plan is self-explanatory and should only take 4 - 6 hours given 3 - 5 people.

[OtakuLoki]

Originally Posted by Shagnasty

A came in here to console you but I see you just have the classic gopher under the shed dilemma. I have always found that pretty easy to fix.

*blinks*


Shagnasty, no comments, here. Just one question, though - what would you need for a complicated fix?

[freckafree]

Shagnasty, you need to come up with three more items, because that list just begs to be sung to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas.

[Rysto]

Originally Posted by Winston Smith

I've got a gopher living under my shed. My daughter has named it Zoe, and my wife has forbidden me to harm it.

Oh, shed. Christ, I originally read that as "bed".

[Hypno-Toad]

Maybe not as long-term as your animal trouble, but I did get bitten on the ear last Monday by a blue and gold Macaw.

[Sunspace]

My friends had a black bear try to get in their skylight a few years ago. And my other friend's parents totalled their '69 Mercedes against a moose one year. The moose walked away.

Yeak, life near Algonquin Park is interesting...

[Robot Arm]

I came into this thread to suggest plastic explosives in the shape of rabbits and squirrels, but I see that's already been covered.

[carnivorousplant]

Originally Posted by Shagnasty

My secret family recipe: Rent, borrow, or buy the following:

That's ridiculous. No way you can accomplish that with only eighteen bottle rockets.

[swampbear]

I sometimes look after a friend's chihuahua when he's away. I suggest one growlin', snarlin', barkin' chihuahua. The gopher will go away just to get away from all the noise.

I love JoeDawg, I do. However, chihuahuas (chee-hoo-ah-hoo-ahs) are just obnoxious.

[Kricket]

I'm willing to donate a Terrier on the condition she comes back in one piece as I'm kind of fond of her.

I had a groundhog living under my porch once and it was eating my wildflowers but real cool to watch. But we live in the inner city so it needed to be re-located for it's own safety.

When we set up a human trap for catch and release on my friends 45 acres we ended up catching an opposum instead. Viscious little suckers those are. Didn't help that it was a she and when we got the call that something was in the trap we saw that she was nursing her young and couldn't be moved yet from one trap to another. The children got a bit of an education out of the deal and then named the babies. George, Paul, John, and Ringo.

Yes my friend who was helping us by letting us use his live humane traps had to promise the children that mother and babies would be released on his land to live happily ever after.

When we did finally catch the groundhog he had to make the same promise. He's a hunter and the kids were pretty concerned he would hunt, kill and eat their new friends.

[Ravenman]

Originally Posted by carnivorousplant

That's ridiculous. No way you can accomplish that with only eighteen bottle rockets.

I did it once with only eight. But I did have 36 inches of PVC pipe and a whole lot of duct tape.

But I empathize with the OP. Last winter, I finally flushed some squirrels out of my attic and sealed up the hole they were getting in. My girlfriend told stories about how the poor squirrels and their babies had been run out of house and home and would be left to freeze in the cold. I had to let them back in till spring.

[drachillix]

Originally Posted by OtakuLoki

Shagnasty, no comments, here. Just one question, though - what would you need for a complicated fix?

Never ask that of a supply chain person unless you are standing by with a server farm and 2000 people with barcode scanners.

[Robot Arm]

My nominee for best typo of the month:

Originally Posted by Kricket

When we set up a human trap for catch and release...

[SomeUserName]

One of the best Craigslist ads I saw was a guy willing to pay $25 to have someone come and remove a ground hog from under his deck.

Real trouble is a skunk under a porch. He kept spraying and the entire house smelled of skunk. It was so bad it burned your nose and eyes.

An M80 took care of that problem. It was not the sound that drove him out though but the smoke it created must have made it hard to breath. We watched it come out and skip on down the way.

We have a ground hog under our shed too. Actually I think it is more than one either that or he has the ablity to morph from a small one to a large beefy one.

We named him Hogger. My cats like to watch him. He has no fear of the cats at all. He will lazily eat clover in the sun with four cats watching him from a foot away. He could care less.

Now the dogs on the other hand will get his fat ass moving to the shed from zero to sixty but we try no to let the dogs out if we see him in the yard. We would not want to hurt the little fella.

He does not bother us in the least and we have even fed him some carrots and apples on occasion.

[carnivorousplant]

Originally Posted by Ravenman

But I did have 36 inches of PVC pipe and a whole lot of duct tape.

Oh well, duct tape, of course. You could have mentioned that in the first place.

[chappachula]

I dunno much 'bout gophers.
But I'm pretty sure they aren't supposed to be named Zoe.

[Fetchund]

I got rid of the gopher...

but that left a more peaceful frolicing spot for the moles.

[Sunspace]

Originally Posted by drachillix

Never ask that of a supply chain person unless you are standing by with a server farm and 2000 people with barcode scanners.

Do you and I work with some of the same people?

[Omegaman]

Better bust out the eight ball.

[Maastricht]

My cat chewed the earpieces of my glasses ragged last month. I feel little irritatingly sharp pieces of plastic everytime I put that pair on. He does it as his version of flossing or toothbrushing.

So I'll see your gopher and.. well, I guess I will just go awww....

[Velma]

Originally Posted by freckafree

Gopher? HA!

I'll see your gopher and raise you a groundhog.

I will gladly take both the gopher and the groundhog if you will take the skunk under our shed. Our dog will. not. learn.