I Prepare to Kill. So Much for ''Never Again''

The BBQ Pit
1

My brake lines were partially severed. The main wiring harness was mangled. Over $1,000 worth of damage.

Sabotage.

I had sworn that it was over. I swore “never again.” I surrendered. Moved my family. I tried to live in peace. I really did.

Groundhogs. I swear to God. I’m not making this up. They found me. They tried to kill me. The only reason I knew was because warning lights popped up in the car when I turned it on, namely the ABS and the Vehicle Stability Management. When I brought it to the dealer the found the leaky chewed brake line as well.

A rather elegant proof of intelligent and malign intent, don’t you think? Random chewing would have probably been the radio or the dome light wire. The ABS, The VSM and the brake lines? They had to have a wiring diagram. This is deliberate.

I drive my kids in this car.

Six years, I tried to live in peace and put it behind me, only to find that the Groundhogs have adopted terror tactics, and show no regard for the lives of noncombatants.

I just wanted to be a lover, not some crazed-eyed killing machine

I didn’t want it this way. I didn’t start it, but if this is the way it is, then so be it.
I am going to kill them all. Every one of them.

I oiled my humane traps. Tomorrow I will bait them with corn. I will drown every one that I catch. I will hie me to the Agway and purchase WMDs, the poison gas, and the awesome destructive force that is the Hadagopher bomb. I cleaned my trusty .22, and will hang out on the garage roof, and I will feed the vultures the rotten stinking corpses of every single Ground Grizzly I shoot.

We’ve had some recent skirmishes in the past, the Groundhogs and I. They ate my pumpkins last year, and I killed a few.

This is gonna be like “Rambo,” not the entertaining first three either. This is gonna be the just-wrong-disturbingly-over-the-top violence of “Rambo 2008” where Sly doesn’t even bother to take his shirt off before he rips somebody’s throat out with his bare hands.

I mean to depopulate the region.

After thousands of years men still sing songs of Achilles and what his wrath wrought. I will give the groundhogs something to sing about.

2

Well I just had to look… having read the thread title.

Not what I expected.

3

Any chance for a diplomatic solution?

4

As part of a class, I once visited an apple orchard, where the farmer was having troubles with voles: he’d plant an acre of saplings, come back the next day and find the roots had all been eaten away. He was trying to grow organic, so his poison options were limited, but he told us about one control measure he’d tried. He’d gotten some propane tanks and piped it into the tunnels, then lit a match. In theory, the voles wouldn’t die from burning: they’d die from the shockwave.

My professor had been listening to all this quietly. At this point he spoke up. “How well does it work?”

The farmer shrugged and said, “Honestly, not so great.”

“But,” and the professor started to giggle, “it’s pretty satisfying, isn’t it?”

The two old men couldn’t stop laughing.

Anyway. Propane. Match. Just sayin.

Great OP!

Daniel

5

The Evil Nazi Groundhogs? They’re back? :cool:

6

Nuke 'em from orbit, it is the only way to be sure.

7

You can’t reason with those savages.

It’s like you’re not even speaking the same language.

8

They build perfect, complex tunnels in the darkness of the underground. Of course they can follow schematics. Your ABS and VSM were child’s play to them in the relative Sunanza of dusk.

Classic confrontation, a Cinderella story…

9

I picture them wearing WWI German helmets, like the kind found on Klinks desk. But after a little thought, these fuckers are clearly working with Hogan.

How does it feel, Mr. Bulkarter?

10

dig…dig…dig…dig…“Ja, Boss!”…dig…dig…

11

Nah, it’s exactly what I expected. Either that or blimps.

Would you mind killing some rabbits around my place when you’re done? I have to keep my vegetarian “street cred” up and most fellow veg-heads don’t accept garden defense as an excuse… aw hell. Really, I’m just a wuss. They scream, you know.

12

I know several simple recipes for napalm, and a couple of more complicated ones for poison gas. Drop me a line if you need some…help.

13

Five will get you ten that he wakes up tomorrow morning and that blasted Sonny and Cher “I Got You Babe” is playing on the clock radio again.

14

Bill Murray references aside, of course.

15

<thinking napalm>

The bunny’s are winning this year. I’m thinking napalm is a good idea.

16

“Why would he be leaving corn for us?”

“No! Wait, Stop!”

17

Could you rent or buy some hungry snakes that might have a taste for groundhogs?

18

Molotov! It’s what’s hip!

19

This is insanity? This is Sparta!

Tonight, the groundhogs will dine in Hell!
(Btw, I STILL haven’t seen that movie!)
(300, I mean, not Groundhog Day.)

20

[channeling Bill Kilgore]I love the small of napalm in the morning![/cBK]