Here’s mine:
A filthy young pervert from Avebury
Had a fetish extremely unsavoury
With demonic howls
He would bugger young owls
That he bred in an underground aviary
The filthiest limerick I ever heard (duly edited for this forum) goes like this:
***** **** *** ********** ****;
***, ******* ** ******, ** fuck.
From deep in the crypt at St. Giles,
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the vicar “good gracious!
Has Father Ignatious
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?”
There once was a plumber from Lee,
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
Said his girly: “Stop plumbing!
I can hear someone coming!”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “it’s me!!!”
There was a young man from Nepal,
Who had a mathematical ball.
(w[sup]3[/sup] + 5)/8 = 4/3√0.
The cube of its weight
Plus five, over eight,
Is four-thirds the root of fuck-all.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
“If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it.”
There once was a young girl from Bude,
Who went for a swim in a lake.
A man in a punt
Stuck a pole in her ear,
And said “you can’t swim here, it’s private.”
There was a young man from Kent,
whose dick was so long that it bent.
To save him some trouble,
he put it in double
and instead of coming, he went.
There once was a girl from Uttoxeter,
Who was the most exquisite cock-sitter.
With her prehensile hole
She enveloped my pole,
And squirmed up and down as my rocks hit her.
There was a young girl name of Jill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her tits up a tree in Brazil
Limeraiku:
There is an old man
In Japan, who roars at whores
“Where’s your bloody fan?”
An impetuous couple named Kelley,
Now go thru life belly to belly,
Because, in their haste,
They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.
Regards,
Shodan
A worried young fellow, O’Doole
Found some red spots on his tool
His doctor, a cynic
Said “get out of my clinic”
And wipe off the lipstick you fool
A classic. The version I heard was:
There once was a girl named Jill
Who used dynamite for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
I like the alliteration of ‘bits of her tits’. Another version had Jill hailing from Dallas. She used dynamite for a phallus.
I don’t know that I have a favourite limerick, but these to are usually the first to come to my mind:
There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his ass like a dahlia
The colours were fine
Likewise, the design
But the aroma, not that was a failure!
(Best read in an Australian accent. I assume the man painted his donkey, but it could have been his arse as opposed to his ass. From Breaker Morant.)
There was a young couple from Florida
Whose passion grew steadily torrider
They were planning to sin
In a room at an inn
Who could wait? So they screwed in the corridor!
EDIT:
I heard this one once about 20 years ago, and I could only remember the first two lines. The Internet is a wonderful thing.
There was a young girl from New Zealand
Who discovered a wonderful feeling
She laid on her back
And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling!
Now if only I could find grandpa’s non-limerick that starts ‘When you’re eighty-two and your dick turns blue and you can’t pee no more…’
There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whore from a grave.
She was moldy and shitty,
And only had one titty
But look at the money he saved!
I like:
There was an old woman from Slough
Who had an unfortunate cough
She wasn’t to know
It would last until now
And we certainly hope she pulls through.
And:
There was a young man from St Bees
Who was stung on the nose by a wasp
When asked “did it hurt?”
He said “Yes, it did!”
“But I’m so glad it wasn’t a hornet!”
A girl who weighed many an oz.
Used language I dare not pronoz.
When a guy (for a dare)
Screwed the legs off her chair
Just to see - so he said - if she’d boz.!
A chippie named Carol in Maryland
Is known to strip off all apparel and
Use tits, toes, or thighs
To stroke off her guys,
Who refer to it as “getting Carolyned.”
There once was a man from Assizes
Whose balls were of two different sizes
One ball was small
Almost no ball at all
The other was large and won prizes
An eager young priest from Dundee
Was fucking a nun in a tree
He buggered her ass
And performed a high mass
That even the pope came to see
The last time I dined with the king
He did an unusual thing
He stood on a stool
And pulled out his tool
And said, “If I play, will you sing?”
A young man from Boston, Mass
Had balls that were made out of brass
When they’d bang together
They’d play “Stormy Weather”
And lightning’d shoot out of his ass.
Some feeeelthy ones:
There was a young girl from the Azores
Whose cunt was all covered in sores
The dogs in the street
Used to lick the green meat
That hung, festooned, from her drawers
There was a young fellow from Perth
The filthiest bastard on Earth
When his wife was confined
He pulled down the blind
And devoured the afterbirth
There was a young man from the Cape
Who fucked a Barbary ape
The ape cried, “You fool!
You’ve twisted your tool!
And bent my arsehole out of shape.”