I was reading the thread on camp songs and it got me thinking. What are some good limmericks out there. My favorite is:
there once was a man from bandoo
who fell asleep in a canoe
he dreamt of venus and played with his penis
and woke up covered in goo
Well, there is always the most filthy one (and the one that everyone jokingly only recites the first line of):
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose **** was so long he could **** it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a **** I could **** it.
I have two favorites by other people, and a couple of favorites that I wrote.
The first I’ve seen attributed to Woodrow Wilson, but I have no idea if that’s actually valid:
I sat next to the Duchess at tea.
It was all that I’d feared it would be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were truly phenomenal
And everyone thought it was me!
Then one by the ever popular Anonymous:
There was a young lady from Wight
Whose speed was much greater than light.
She went out one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.
My own two:
Science:
Archimedes was really quite clever.
(He’s the fellow who thought up the lever.)
Because he did math
While immersed in the bath
We’ll remember “Eureka!” forever.
Escort Service:
Dear sir, don’t make yourself queasy.
We assure you the lady’s not sleezy.
She’ll wow all your friends
And when the night ends,
You’ll find she’s not cheap, but she’s easy!
EddyTeddyFreddy is the mistress of limericks on this board. She needs to get her rear in here!
Sort of a hijack…
The best I have seen recently was about the mispronounciation of “Hors’ Dourves”.
The last line ended with the word “manouver”. I can’t find it anywhere.
Little help?
One of my favorites (or at least the cleverest) was one of Isaac Asimov’s:
A woman from North Carolina
Stretched fiddle strings 'cross her vagina
And with proper size cocks
What was sex became Bach’s
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.
Names have been fictionalized to protect the innocent:
There once was a Doper named Russ
Who would always stir up a big fuss
He could have played nice but instead
He kept starting a Thread
Called: “All Your Base Are Belong To Us.”
Ooops!
I just thought I ought to run a search and it turns out there really is a Doper named Russ. I swear my Limerick has NOTHING to do with the real Russ. I’m sorry if the real Russ was offended.
Perhaps the Mods can intervene and change it to Gus or something. (jeez, I hope there isn’t a real Gus too!)
This is brilliant!
I wish I’d written it.
From college:
There once was a man from Eau Claire
Who tried ******* his wife on the stair
The banister broke
But oh what a bloke
He finished the job in mid-air!!
and
There once was a man from Racine
Who invented a ******* machine
Concave or convex
It would take either sex
But, oh what a bastard to clean!!
Why is it alway men
Then there was the caveman named Dave…
Lukmeister…brilliant. Pictsiepat …brilliant. If nothing else would get posted on here I am glad I started this thread just to hear those.
I don’t know if they’re still in print, but Isaac Asimov had a series of books, among them Lecherous Limericks, More Lecherous Limericks and Limericks: Too Gross (the last being, of course, a collection of 288 limericks), which are worth looking for if you’re a limerick fan. IIRC many of the limericks included were written by Dr. A, but there is some discussion of the limerick as an art form. The one I quoted was from memory; I wish I could remember more of them, and unfortunately my copies are in storage at the moment.
I like meta-limericks. For instance
and
and
There was another one about the Emporer Nero, but I can’t remember any of it.
Another favorite is
One of the few I can actually remember off the top of my head:
There once was a lady that
Had three babies, Nat Pat and Tat
If was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
For you see, there was no tit for Tat
Speaking of meta-lymericks, I also heard one once about a man who was bad at writing limericks, and the last line was “I always try to fit as many words to a line as I can”
There was a young man from Japan
Whose verses would never quite scan
When told this was so
He replied, yes I know
But I always try to fit as many words in the last line as I possibly can.
This one gets you mind going in the wrong direction :-
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think—
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
This is for all the Dopers on this thread :-
The limerick’s callous and crude,
It’s morals distressingly lewd.
It’s not worth the reading
By persons of breeding;
It’s designed for us vulgar and rude!
I’m rather fond of this one:
There once was a young man of Ghent,
Whose tool was so long that it bent.
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.
Perhaps the best part is that I found it at this site. 
There was a Bohemian monk
Who went to bed in a bunk
He dreamt that Venus was stroking his penis
And woke up all covered in spunk.
There was a young physicist named Fisk
Whose stroke was exceedingly brisk
So fast was his action
The Lorentz contraction
Diminished his dong to a disk
Careful there, you’re treading on ground covered by Cecil himself :