There was a young man from The Cape
Who fucked a barbary ape.
The ape said, “You fool!
You’ve twisted your tool
And bent my arsehole out of shape.”
A girl who weighs many an oz.
Used language I will not pronoz.
For a fellow unkind,
Pulled her chair out behind,
He wanted to see if she’d boz.
A general, Caesar by name,
Cried "Wrong are those words held in fame!
"A nice Celtic lass
"Had such a fine ass
“That I conquered, I saw, then I came!”
First one I ever wrote.
There was a young lady from Tottenham
Whose manners… well, she had forgotten 'em
At tea at the vicar’s
She whipped off her knickers
Exclaiming she felt far too hot in 'em.
There was a young cyborg named Ace
who wooed women at every base
but once ladies glanced at
his special enhancement
they vanished with nary a trace
-Spartan Barracks graffiti
That’s from the animation when you get one of the secret projects in Alpha Centauri. However, I can’t remember which one. Anyone know?
What? I’m not claiming it’s my own. I got it from a collection of math and science jokes called Absolute Zero Infinity, which I highly recommend.
Make that Absolute Zero Gravity, which makes a bit more sense.
*There once was a fellow named Skinner,
whose wife had a TV set in her.
It was stuck in her crotch,
so he’d nibble and watch,
thus inventing the first TV dinner.
A pretty young woman from Wheeling,
claimed that she had no sexual feeling.
Then a sailor named Boris
sucked on her clitoris
before peeling her off of the ceiling.
A lovely young lass from Decatur,
had sex with a huge alligator.
But nobody knew
the result of that screw,
'cuz after he laid her, he ate her.
A crazy old rascal from Wheeling,
was drunk to the point he was reeling.
When he read on the door,
‘Please don’t spit on the floor’,
He leapt up and spat on the ceiling.*
There was a young girl of Vancouver,
Who, when told it was not ‘horses doover,’
Found she hadn’t the nerve
To ask for hors d’oeuvres,
So had soup as a saving manoeuvre.
I saved the limerick, but not the name of the original poster, sorry.
I remember the one about the Emperor Nero. It’s a lot like one about the man from Nepal and it goes like this:
There once was a girl from Ryde
Who ate a green apple and died
The apple fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her insides
There was a young man from Perth
The nastiest bastard on Earth
When his wife was confined
He pulled down the blind
And devoured the whole afterbirth
A decrepit old gas man, named Peter,
While hunting around for the meter,
struck a leak with his light,
and arose out of sight,
and as you can tell by reading this he also quite destroyed the meter.
There once was a fellow named Lee
Who was stung in the groin by a bee
He made oodles of money
By oozing pure honey
Whenever attempting to pee.
I didn’t write that, but I managed to pass that off to my Creative Writing teacher in high school.
Hey, she liked me for some reason.
Moving this to Cafe Society.
Ah the wonderful world of the Dope
Without it , how else could I cope?
If I couldn’t come play
I’d just fade away
And sit in a corner and mope!
There were three young ladies of Birmingham
And here is the scandal concerning 'em.
They lifted the frock
And tickled the cock
Of the bishop engaged in Confirming 'em.
Now the bishop was nobody’s fool,
He’d been to a good public school,
He lowered their britches
And buggered those bitches
With his ten inch episcopal tool.
Then up spoke a lady from the pew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
“The vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you.”
Here’s one I’ve seen attributed to Tennyson:
There once was a woman from Sydney
Who liked it right up to her kidney
A man from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck
He had a big one, didn’t he?
And from elsewhere…
From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
Came a shriek that echoed for miles
The abbot said Gracious
It’s Brother Ignatius
He’s forgotten the bishop has piles
This one doesn’t scan perfectly but what the hell.
A horny young man from Macroom,
Invited two lesbians up to his room,
And they argued all night,
About who had the right,
To do this that and the other, and to whom.
I’ve always liked:
There once was a man from Madrass
Who’s balls were made out of brass
He’d bang them together
Amid stormy weather
And lighting shot out of his ass.
Plus there’s one I can never seemed to remeber involving a bi-sexual with the punch line something like
And who did what and with whom
Perhaps someone out there can help?
Seems to be the one I posted. I think it works better with bi-sexuals now you mention it, although this is the way I heard it.
It’s this:
About who had the right,
To do what, and with what, and to whom.
Here’s one of my favorites:
There once was a plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a maid by the sea
Said the maid “cease your plumbing,
I think someone’s coming”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “it’s me”.