That’s good too. But around here it “is” the way I wrote it.
Here’s one I think jjimm posted:
At breakfast one day in Calcutta,
Sat a man with a terrible stutter,
He said, “pass the h-ham,
And the j-j-j-jam,
And the b-b-b-b-b-b-butter!”
Here are a couple I heard from John Valby , aka Dr. Dirty –
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his Madam
So great was his mirth
For on all of the Earth
There were only two balls - and he had 'em!
There once was a milkman named Schwartz
Whose dick was all covered with warts
But the girls would all play
With his dick , anyway
'Cause good old Schwartz came in quarts!
There was a young woman named Alice
Who used a stick of dynamite for a phallus.
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And part of her anus in Dallas.
There was a young man from Tralee
Who was horribly stung by a wasp
When the asked “does it buzz?”
He said, “Yes, it hurts
It’s a horrible brute of a hornet”
(PS: look at my sig)
Gaah! Look at it now, I mean
Am I the only person who didn’t know that this limerick actually existed? I always thought the whole joke was not an actual limerick but whatever dirty words a person’s mind couldn’t help but rhyme with ‘Nantucket’ when someone spoke the first (and only) line. I learn something new every day…
Heard one very similar, but has the added advantage of not scanning in the final line!!!
Also, from a previous SDMB thread (link omitted to save the hampsters):
IOW:
A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
All over seven,
Add five times eleven,
Equals nine to the two plus f*ck all
Grim
…should of course read “but I am really terribly glad that it wasn’t a hornet.”
There were a couple of other mathematical limericks that I copied into Word, but have not the skills to render properly here - email me if you’d like a copy…
Grim
From a long-ago Playboy:
There was a young lady from Norway,
Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
She called to her beau,
Come over here, Moe!
I think I’ve discovered one more way!
There are three tongue-twister limericks I posted in an MPSIMS thread a few days ago:
A canner, exceedingly canny
One morning remarked to his granny:
“A canner can can
Anything that he can
But a canner can’t can a can, can he?”
A fly and a flea in a flue
Were imprisoned - so what could they do?
Said the fly, “Let us flee!”
“Let us fly!” said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
A tooter who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
“Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?”
Here’s a variation on the “Nantucket” limerick…
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter, named Nan
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket - Nantucket.
He followed the pair to Pawtucket.
The girl and the man with the bucket…
He said to the man
He was welcome to Nan…
But as for the bucket - Pawtucket.
I take issue with the titleing of EddyTeddyFrddy as the mistress of limericks. I think I do all right…
Made this one up a few years ago.
There once was a man named Armano
Who decided straight sex was bird guano
So he found a good friend
And plugged up his end
Now they both prefer mano-a-mano.
So there.
Back in the 1920s (er, I think it was 1920s) England, sick and twisted “Little Willy” limmericks were all the rage. They were mostly gory, kind of like the “dead baby” jokes I used to hear in the early 80s.
Examples/
Little Willy with a shout
Gouged the baby’s out
Stamped on them to make them pop
Mother cried, “Now William, stop.”
(Okay, maybe I’m sick and twisted, but the first rhyme of the following made me laugh when I first heard it.)
William with a lust for gore
Nailed the baby to the floor
Mother cired with humour quaint
“Careful Will, don’t mar the paint.”
(I think i’ts the “lust for gore” part that tickles my funny bone.)
Another:
Willy with a stick of dynamite
Couldn’t understand it quite
Curiosity never pays
It rained Willy seven days
Darn! I previewed and I still missed the boo-boo.
Should be:
Little Willy with a shout
Gouged the baby’s eyeballs out
Stamped on them to make them pop
Mother cried, “Now William, stop.”
Damn, it’s like wrecking the punchline to a joke. :rolleyes:
Oh and this one:
There was a young fellow named Bruno
Who said there is one thing I do know
Woman and fine
And young boys are divine
But a llama is numero uno.
And boo-boo’s are catching…
Women are fine.
I heard it this way:
One evening a fag from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
I learned this one in grade school:
She frowned and called him Mr.
Because, in sport, he kr.
And so, in spite,
That very night,
This Mr. kr. sr.
This one was written about my brother by a friend:
There once was a fellow from Brandon
Who could fart with terrific abandon.
We wanted to cheer,
But when the air cleared,
There wasn’t a bloody soul standin’!
From Playboy:
There once was a girl from Devizes
Whose breasts were of different sizes.
The one that was small
Was of no use at all,
But the other won several prizes.
And finally, my Dad’s favorite:
There once was a fellow from Boston
Who drove an American Austin.
There was room for his ass
And a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung out, and he lost 'em.
There once was a man called Joe Beebee
Engaged to a sweet girl named Phoebe
To his friends he would plea
“Come to the church with me
And see Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee.”
Czarcasm was quite the Mod.
Thought he was Czar, not just a god.
And moving this thread
He thought in his head
“These Dopers are certainly odd.”
As the poets have mournfully sung
Death takes the innocent young
The screamingly funny
The rolling-in-money
And those who are very well hung.
I’ve see this attributed to W. H. Auden but who knows.
and then there is:
A girl was engaged at Colchester
Her mother, she kissed and she bless’d her
Said she, you’re in luck
He’s a jolly good fuck
I had him myself down in Leicester.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
But one day, alas
He discovered his ass
And broke his back trying to fuck it!
There once was a choirboy of Devon
Who was bugged in a haystack by seven
High Anglican priests
The lascivious beasts!
For of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
There once was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "I admit
"I’m a bit of a shit,
“But think of the money I save!”
On the bank sat the Bishop of Buckingham
He was cooling his balls – he was ducking 'em –
Whilst observing the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks as was fucking 'em.
Said the dowager duchess at tea,
“Young man, do you fart when you pee?”
I replied, "Not a bit.
“Do you belch when you shit?”
Which I’d say left the honours with me.
I’ve always been fond of Edward Gorey’s limericks, which you can find in his collections Amphigorey and Amphigorey Too. A few choice selections:
The partition of Vavascour Scowles
Was sickener. They came on his bowels
In a firkin. His brain
Was found clogging a drain
And his toes were inside of some towels.
There once was a curate whose brain
Was deranged from the use of cocaine.
He lured a small child
To a copse dark and wild
Where he beat it to death with his cane.
To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
As he poured his postprandial tipple,
"Your mother’s behaviour
"Gave pain to Our Saviour,
“And that’s why He made you a cripple.”
An impulsive young woman named Gwen
Was seen with the wrong sort of men.
She vanished that day,
But, the following May,
Her legs were retrieved in a fen.
An impulsive young woman of Ealing
Threw her three-weeks-old child at the ceiling.
When asked why she did,
She said, "To be rid
“Of a strange, overpowering feeling.”
The first child of Mrs. Keats-Shelley
Came to light with its face in its belly.
The second was born
With a hump and a horn,
And the third was as shapeless as jelly.
A young man of acumen and daring
Who’d amassed a great fortune in herring
Was left quite alone
When it soon became known
That their use at his board was unsparing.
A girl who upon her divan
Was attacked by a virile young man
Said, "Such excess of passion
“Is quite out of fashion.”
And she fractured his wrist with her fan.