Hysteria, joy and confusion
Followed the claim of cold fusion.
The nuclear guys
Had stars in their eyes
But it turned out to be an illusion.
They’re asking to teach my fourth grader
Creation first, Darwin’s stuff later.
But it makes me irate
For you can’t postulate
Creation without a Creator!
It’s the greatest deal you ever saw
It hasn’t a fault or a flaw!
We’re so nice and kind
So just sign on the line -
(Void where prohibited by law)
I wanted to write a limerick too, but not having the lyrical aptitude of some other Dopers, I turn to the ingredient label on a bag of Cheddar Cheese Combos:
But limericks are really quite easy,
I know that you can do it, Peasey
Just make sure that you rhyme
the third and fourth line
Then make sure to rhyme the other threesy.
Don’t worry too much what you write.
We won’t care if you don’t get it right.
If you pair off “line”
with a word like, say, “Rhyme”
We won’t…then again, we might.
No, limericks really aren’t hard
even if the rhyme scheme is marr’d
And if you’re a prude,
who thinks limericks are rude,
fuck you and your base canard.
Hey, I thought limericks were supposed to incorporate puns!
Like these, which I found in Playboy when I was but a wee lad:
A horny young locksmith named Shore
Had the hots for his favorite whore
When the cops came inside
With a true craftsman’s pride
He was making a bolt for the door
When a man queried saleslady Shedd
As to whether a fully made bed
Had springs that were quiet
She answered, “Just try it!”
As she pulled down the blankets and spread
I once knew a lady with really big tits
And when I massaged them she’d go into fits
I didn’t know why
It got her so high
Till I found out her nipples were clits
There lives a man named Harry Reams
Who after dinner serves free creams
A girl from the south
Took him in her mouth
And her head came apart at the seams
The limerick packs jokes anatomical
Into space that is quite economical
But the best that we’ve seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical!
A daffy old codger named Lear;
A Moor who likes not what he hears;
A hot-blooded Scot,
And “To be or to not”:
The four tragedies of Shakespeare!
[sub]Not enough sex? Alright, calm down, you perverts.[/sub]
There once was a girl from Lapland,
Whose belly began to expand.
She said, “It’s a baby!”
Her boyfriend said, “Maybe;
From now on, we’ll do it by hand!”
There once was a damsel of Chichester
Who made all the saints in their niches stir!
One morning at matins
Her breasts in white satins
Made the Bishop of Chichester’s britches stir!
A noble young knight, hight Sir Lancelot,
At court would draw glances askance a lot,
For whenever he’d pass
A presentable lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot!
This thread inspired me to write two limericks of my own, however, they were so profane and inappropriate I vowed never to share them. That and you really have to know the people I made them up about to understand. But here are two old favourites…
There once was a poet called Lenny
who would write limericks for a penny
his lines would rhyme
and it was all fine
but whenever he tried to write any
there was always one line too many
aandd…
There once was a man from Newcastle
who wrapped up some sh** in a parcel
he sent it by plane
with a note to explain
that it came from my grandmother’s arsehole
Oh and heres one which only the kiwis will get ( I made it up myself!)
Said the man from Aotearoa
Hi, I’m Dave nice to know ya
He then asked the ewe
if she wanted a screw
and said to the ram may I blow ya?
I read this one on a toilet wall at school; it’s always been my favorite:
There once was a pirate named Yates
Who danced the fandango on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And totally useless on dates.
I’ve seen this one attributed to Lewis Carroll, which I’m sure is apocryphal:
There once was a naughty old lesbian
Who went to the drug store for cat food
But the ceiling caved in
And she died of a stroke
And no one came to the funeral except the immediate family.
Clinton and Lewinsky have shown
What Kazinsky must always have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.
*An impetuous couple named Kelly,
Now go thru life belly-to-belly,
Because, in their haste,
They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.
Thus spake the old lady MacGruder,
To the burglar who finally screwed her,
“I’m accustomed to candles
And john-plunger handles,
So you, sir, are just an intruder.”
A comely young maid of the Sioux
Made all the braves holler, “Wioux wioux!”
But she gave no relief,
To aught but the chief,
After both of his balls had turned blioux.
*
