My cousin had a couple of massive strokes about ten years ago. She was married with a couple of kids. She’s been in hospitals and rehab and finally long-term residential care places since that time. She will not recover. She is physically incapacitated, can not speak (but does vocalize), but is mentally as she was before her strokes.
She lives in a small town in Northern BC, quite a haul for me to go visit, so I haven’t seen her in years. Last week, her dad (my uncle) died, so the family converged (I was not able to go). I got a report from my mother tonight telling me that her husband, while not divorcing her, is with another woman and never visits. Neither do her children. Ever. Not in eight or nine years.
He says “It’s too hard on me”, and apparently that’s been ingrained into the kids as well.
So, a great big FUCK YOU for abandoning your wife. Making her elderly mother and sisters be her only visitors. Fuck you, asshole. Thanks for proving what a prick you really are, and thanks for teaching your kids to be the same way.
Did you just claim that it’s too hard for you to visit, you haven’t seen her in years, and that it was too hard for you to attend your uncle’s funeral …
… then turn around and criticize someone else for not visiting regularly?
It’s easy enough to look in from the outside and judge, but if you’ve never been in that position yourself, how can you? People have to move on and live their lives. It’s sad that this happened to her and her family, but what are they to do- plant themselves at her bedside and grieve endlessly? Gossip tends to make the story sound worse than it is- maybe you could call the family members (your family members) and ask them about it if you’re concerned?
Because she has a life and family of her own? What the hell? Ginger is 100% in the right here. Her cousin’s husband freely chose to make a commitment to her in sickness and in health, and is ignoring it. It’s not Ginger’s job to take over his responsibilities.
How is this different from any of the other 5,000,000 divorces that happen every year? Her cousin is housed and fed and taken care of by professional caretakers. Ginger is Pitting their lack of voluntary visitation, which, as bad as it is (and I won’t contest he’s breaking his marriage vows), is mild compared to the thousands of children who end up in homeless shelters and domestic abuse shelters as a result of men abandoning their families and not even providing the basic necessities of life.
Hmm. See, I find that way more offensive than the husband abandoning her. Marriages break up for a lot of reasons, and I have trouble holding too much of a grudge against a person who’s just not up to the task of sublimating over a decade of their life to taking care of an invalid. I’ve got immense respect for people who can do that, but I don’t have it in me to blame someone who can’t take that strain. I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t do it. Sometimes you have to move on for the sake of your own health and well-being.
But abandoning a parent like that? That’s fucked up. I think there’s a duty of care in that relationship that’s much stronger than one between spouses, and breaking it is much more deserving of scorn.
She’s needed constant, professional nursing for ten years, and will need more nursing for an undetermined amount of time in the future. How many assets do you think she has left?
A friend of my parents did something similiar. Except in his case the wife was in a coma for years, his mother-in-law encouraged it, and he “married” his the woman (apparently in accordance with Jewish law).
It’s unfair to be harsh on someone when you don’t really know much about the situation. I certainly wouldn’y be quick to judge the husband.You see, my father had his first stroke nearly 20 years ago, rehab didn’t do any good (mostly because he didn’t do the exercises) has been unable to walk more than a few steps for at least 15, and long ago got to the point where he can’t do anything for himself. My mother shouldn’t visit him when he’s in the hospital or in a nursing home, because that’s the only relief she would get from his incessant demands. He literally will not let her sit for five minutes if she’s at home. And don’t suggest that her children or grandchildren help her out- if she’s there, it’s not good enough, and she doesn’t like to go out and have someone else stay with him because he tends to punish her after she gets back.He was no prize before the strokes, but he was nowhere near this bad.
I’m not saying the OP’s cousin is like this. I have no way of knowing- but neither does the OP if she hasn’t seen the cousin since 5 years before the strokes.
It really can be, sometimes. My mother watched her mom die, and it pretty much ruined her. I had to chose, not long ago, if I wanted to be present when my mom died. It wasn’t an easy choice to make. It was hard, and I’m not sure I did the right thing. I’ll probably never be sure… Anyways-- damnit, who the fuck gave you the right to dump on him?