"How could anybody be &@#$*ing STUPID enough to buy that and breathe?" products

[Sampiro]

What are your votes for "anybody who buys this needs to go in a database for immediate sterilization" products?

I'll lead with one that, I warn, is going to be pretty hard to beat:

Peter Popoff's Miracle Manna Loaf

Popoff is best known as the televangelist exposed in the 80s for using the wireless transmitter that fed him info on audience members (a trick used in the movies Fletch Lives and Leap of Faith as well). Now he'll send you, free for money, a piece of "manna" that will bring you prosperity (cause after all, the whole point of Christianity is to buy magic stuff). It appears to be a piece of unleavened bread, though as I recall manna was probably bug droppings.

Anyway, this commercial has been on long enough that obviously he's selling some, and I want these people sterilized before they breed.

What are your products?

[cmkeller]

Anyone who buys V1@gr@ or C1@li5 needs to be sterlized at once.

[SmartAleq]

Every time I see the ads for the goddamned reflexology "detox" footpads I get terribly stabby. It's like a whole bunch of stupid in one convenient package!

[Yllaria]

Originally Posted by SmartAleq

Every time I see the ads for the goddamned reflexology "detox" footpads I get terribly stabby. It's like a whole bunch of stupid in one convenient package!

They're slightly less gross than the detoxifying ear candles.

[An Arky]

Originally Posted by cmkeller

Anyone who buys V1@gr@ or C1@li5 needs to be sterlized at once.

Really, even guys with ED caused by a medical condition?

[Sparklo]

Originally Posted by An Arky

Really, even guys with ED caused by a medical condition?

I think cmkeller is talking about people who buy medicine (or whatever they actually get) based on spam emails.

[Ruby]

Originally Posted by SmartAleq

Every time I see the ads for the goddamned reflexology "detox" footpads I get terribly stabby. It's like a whole bunch of stupid in one convenient package!

hmpf. Beat me to the punch. I have wondered, though, if they worked on people who actually wash their feet first.

[elfkin477]

Anyone who buys magic beans that promise to help you lose weight "without diet or exercise!" needs to at the very minimum be sentenced to science/nutrition classes. The only ones who need to be sterilized buy the ones who also say "if we can say it on TV, it has to be true." That's lost-cause level of stupidity right there.

[Boyo Jim]

Those "ionizing" bracelets.

[Ice Wolf]

"Healing" crystals.

[Throatwarbler Mangrove]

People who buy "white" or "HID" headlight or foglight bulbs.

[Typo Negative]

Anyone who buys ANYTHING from an automated phone call.

Anyone who buys The Star, The Globe or the National Enquirer.

[Sunspace]

Originally Posted by spooje

Anyone who buys The Star [or] The Globe...

Hey, wait a minute!

Oh. You mean the tabloids, not the respected Canadian newspapers.

[2nd Law]

Originally Posted by SmartAleq

Every time I see the ads for the goddamned reflexology "detox" footpads I get terribly stabby. It's like a whole bunch of stupid in one convenient package!

Check out the "links" page on that site. Right now it looks like it's been hacked.

[hawthorne]

The clever little clock.

Machina Dynamica's Clever Little Clock is an exceptionally powerful audio accessory based on concepts and techniques originally developed by PWB Electronics, England. Machina Dynamica produces the Clever Little Clock with the kind permission of PWB Electronics.

The Clever Little Clock is a small, battery-powered travel alarm clock that has been extensively modified using a number of highly-specialized techniques. The Clever Little Clock does not plug into the wall and has no direct or indirect influence on the "audio signal" per se -- not on house wiring, audio components, cables, interconnects, power cords or acoustic waves in the room. Yet the Clock has a pronounced affect on the sound heard by listeners in the room. In addition, any video systems in the house will be improved - the picture will be clearer, with better contrast and color saturation.

Place the clock anywhere in the listening room. The sound will be considerably more musical and live-sounding -- there will be less distortion, more information and a deeper, more coherent soundstage. Low frequencies will be articulate, extended and dynamic, high frequencies exceptionally smooth with phenomenal inner detail. In other words, More of Everything. While the clock can be placed anywhere in the listening room with good results, the best locations for the Clever Little Clock just might be near the boundaries of the building -- for example, on a window sill or shelf of an exterior wall. If the listening room doesn't have an exterior wall, the clock can be placed on an exterior wall in another room. The Clever Little Clock can provide a remarkable improvement to the sound, one or more additional clocks in the room will further improve the sound.

The Clever Little Clock is pre-set by Machina Dynamica and should NOT be re-set or adjusted. Machina Dynamica reserves the right to use more than one brand/model to produce Clever Little Clocks, so don't be alarmed if the Clock you receive is not the exact one in the photo. All versions of the Clever Little Clock are sonically equivalent.

[Silver Tyger]

Originally Posted by hawthorne

The clever little clock.

You're bleeping kidding me. They practically say 'we're going to send you random cheap clock. And don't bother investigating it or questioning us.'

And unfortunately I can't say it lowers my opinion of people at all.

[Runs With Scissors]

Name a Star After Somone

To me, nothing says, "I'm a moronic imbecile operating on three and a half brain cells. Oh, and all my money should be taken from me" quite like this.

Their fucking radio ads are killin' me...

[Crescend]

Oh, Machina Dynamica gets even better. The clock doesn't do justice to their bottomless well of chutzpah. Take a look at their "Long-Distance Audio System Upgrade".

The Teleportation Tweak is the phenomenal new product from Machina Dynamica. The Teleportation Tweak is an advanced telecommunications technique discovered and developed by Machina Dynamica for upgrading audio systems remotely -- even over very long distances. Machina Dynamica routinely performs the Teleportation Tweak for distances of 1000-4000 miles and has recently performed the Teleportation Tweak for a distance of 10,000 miles.

The Teleportation Tweak has a profound effect on the sound - clearer, more information, greater frequency extension and more realistic-sounding - and is performed during a phone call to Machina Dynamica. The phone call to Machina Dynamica can be made via landline phone (including cordless phone) or cell phone from any room in the house. The Teleportation Tweak will sound to the listener like a series of mechanical pulses. The tweak itself takes about 30 seconds. Further benefits are obtained by performing the Teleportation Tweak for ANY or ALL additional phones in the house.

Remarkably, the Teleportation Tweak is independent of distance and signal transmission medium and will work anywhere in the world. The "signals" transmitted over the phone remain robust even over great distances. It is not necessary for the system to be ON at the time of the telephone call; however, if A/B comparison of the Teleportation Tweak before and after the call is desired, the customer's audio system should be turned ON and warmed up prior to the call; the customer can thus evaluate favorite tracks before and after the Teleportation Tweak is performed.

The effects of the Teleportation Tweak are instantaneous and the improvement to sound quality will be audible immediately. The Teleportation Tweak excels in 3-dimensionality, lushness, inner detail and air. Bonus: The picture quality of any video system in the house will also be improved - better color and contrast! Customer should pay via Paypal or check/MO (payable to Geoff Kait) prior to calling Machina Dynamica via landline or cell phone. Machina Dynamica's Teleportation Tweak $60.

You'd think this was satire. Nobody would be this stupid, right? Well, these guys are a regular at industry trade shows where booth space is quite expensive. Clearly, someone's buying.

[williambaskerville]

Continuing the theme of audio equipment, which will doubtless provide a rich vein for this thread :-

http://www.pearcable.com/sub_products_anjou_sc.htm

$7250 for a pair of speaker cables.

http://www.marigoaudio.com/vtstuningdots.htm

Black dots you stick on your windows or speakers, starting at a mere $29 dollars.Apparently, from another site,you should start with woofer cones (where the dots remove a slight upper bass chestiness).

[Sunspace]

Originally Posted by hawthorne

The clever little clock.

Great Scott! It's the Electronic Placebo Effect!

[susan]

Milk purchased from Amazon.com.

[Harmonious Discord]

EyeBud can turn video iPod into big-screen TV for one. I can imagine the eye problems in people if this ever became popular. Lazy eye will look good compared to the messed up eye these people will have. How good is it to focus your eye an inch or two in front of it, never mind both not working together?

[Scribble]

Originally Posted by spooje

Anyone who buys The Star, The Globe or the National Enquirer.

Hey!

I'll have you know that the Weekly World News (home of Batboy!) helped me get through my thesis. There's only so much heavy-duty thinking and statistical analysis any one person can do. After a while, I found myself just kicking back and laughing at the latest Elvis sighting or alien abduction. The WWN helped keep me sane, I'm telling you.

[Annie-Xmas]

Any book by Kevin Trudeau and/or Sylvia Brown.

[Duck Duck Goose]

Anyone who buys Hyland's Homeopathic Teething Tablets for a teething baby. This is Stupid on three levels:

1. It's just a sugar pill.
2. And yes, it work, because...if you give a piece of candy to a cranky baby, amazingly, he perks right up, distracted. "Hey, candy!"
3. Six bucks for 125 pieces of very, very tiny candy.

[Uncommon Sense]

I just saw a commercial for buying tax foreclosed properties.
Some putz; "Buy my material and I can show you how to find tax foreclosures in your area."
Pitch; "You can get this $180,000 duplex for $250, or this $125,000 home for $400!!"
Right, like the previous owner couldn't cough up a mere $250 or $400 to keep their house.

Sounds like the hitch is that you might have to pay the city $400 in back taxes but the home will still need to be purchased (with maybe a no-money down type of contract with the seller paying the closing costs - therefor you're only out the $400 in back taxes but you still have a loan and a mortgage on the property).
Even thought they interview people who've allegedly purchased such properties who claim they don't have a mortgage. "Yay!, Thanks to Putz, I was able to buy this lovely home for $89 and now I have a place to store my cats."

Also, the Cricket. for only five payments of $49.99 you can own this neat little thing that cuts shapes out of paper. Additional shape cartridges and paper stock may run into the $$thousands.

[Chimera]

Originally Posted by spooje

Anyone who buys The Star, The Globe or the National Enquirer.

As a regular purchase, damn straight.

But I loves me some good stupid when I'm going camping or up to the lake. (Which means I buy one about once every 3 years).

Read it, laugh at how stupid it all is, throw it in the fire before you leave.

[beowulff]

Head On.

[Death of Rats]

Originally Posted by elfkin477

<snip> The only ones who need to be sterilized buy the ones who also say "if we can say it on TV, it has to be true." That's lost-cause level of stupidity right there.

Espcially since in that ad, they AREN'T saying it. When the phrase is used in the add both spoken and in print it is done as a question not a statement of fact and gets them around the truth in advertising laws. They didn't say it, they asked it and so it does not have to be true.

[Lanzy]

whoa, back up...Manna was bug droppings???WTF where can I read about this?

and Gift cards.

[dwc1970]

Anyone who is stupid enough to buy into scientology deserves to lose their life savings. And should also be sterilized.

[Ponder Stibbons]

Originally Posted by Sampiro

Peter Popoff's Miracle Manna Loaf

Oooh, that gives me a great idea for a product. "Pastor Ponder's Miracle Breath Of God". For, like, healing or whatever. It would consist of a box with fantastic graphics and bible quotes and stuff.

[Sophistry and Illusion]

Originally Posted by cmkeller

Anyone who buys V1@gr@ or C1@li5 needs to be sterlized at once.

The good thing is you don't need to sterilize them. Just take away their V1@gr@ and C1@li5.

[Baldwin]

Originally Posted by Runs With Scissors

Name a Star After Somone

To me, nothing says, "I'm a moronic imbecile operating on three and a half brain cells. Oh, and all my money should be taken from me" quite like this.

Their fucking radio ads are killin' me...

My ex-wife did this for me. I didn't have the energy to tell her it was a scam for morons -- not after the arguments about reflexology, therapeutic magnets and multi-level marketing (in which her argument was based on a refusal to accept the results of basic arithmetic).

I was at vitamin store the other day to get cinnamon extract tablets (there's actually clinical evidence it helps diabetics metabolize sugar). I noticed "ear candles" on the counter and asked the lady if people actually buy those. She said, "Yes! You should see all the wax they get out of their ears!"

[Drunky Smurf]

Originally Posted by Lanzy

whoa, back up...Manna was bug droppings???WTF where can I read about this?

and Gift cards.

Whats wrong with gift cards? I got about $150 worth at Christmas and last friday I used them to knock $150 off of the purchase price of the camera I bought.

[cmkeller]

An Arky:

Really, even guys with ED caused by a medical condition?

As others have understood, I meant specifically through spam.

Sophistry and Illusion:

The good thing is you don't need to sterilize them. Just take away their V1@gr@ and C1@li5.

Unfortunately, they will constantly be getting offers to buy more.

[wolfman]

Originally Posted by Crescend

Oh, Machina Dynamica gets even better. The clock doesn't do justice to their bottomless well of chutzpah. Take a look at their "Long-Distance Audio System Upgrade".

You'd think this was satire. Nobody would be this stupid, right? Well, these guys are a regular at industry trade shows where booth space is quite expensive. Clearly, someone's buying.

Jesus Christ, at least with most snake oil you at least get a show. And You don't even get a magic pebble with these asses.

[Sunrazor]

Originally Posted by Sampiro

Peter Popoff's Miracle Manna Loaf
Anyway, this commercial has been on long enough that obviously he's selling some, and I want these people sterilized before they breed.

But the Miracle Manna is free. Sez so right on the linky thingy. And if it's free, I'm gettin' me some! Cuz if there's anybody in need of a miracle, it's the ol' Sunrazor.

Wait a minnit! I just had an idea! Watch for Sunrazor's Miracle Native American Energy Herb, cultivated from the seeds of a little-known native grass found only along the banks of the Platte and Arkansas Rivers, ritually processed in a secret spiritual ritual taught to me by an ancient Arapaho shaman.

[Sophistry and Illusion]

Originally Posted by Crescend

Oh, Machina Dynamica gets even better. The clock doesn't do justice to their bottomless well of chutzpah. Take a look at their "Long-Distance Audio System Upgrade".

You'd think this was satire. Nobody would be this stupid, right? Well, these guys are a regular at industry trade shows where booth space is quite expensive. Clearly, someone's buying.

Jesus. I looked at their Brilliant Pebbles and it's like a bad joke. A plastic bag of little rocks you tape to your speaker wire or whatever. The picture itself made me feel ill at the stupidity of mankind.

[robardin]

Originally Posted by Baldwin

I noticed "ear candles" on the counter and asked the lady if people actually buy those. She said, "Yes! You should see all the wax they get out of their ears!"

Uh... huh? Am I missing something, or are these candles not themselves made of wax, and since wax doesn't evaporate in Earth's atmosphere, all the pooled wax accumulated from the candle burning is really not that much of a surprise?

[Sunspace]

Originally Posted by Sophistry and Illusion

Jesus. I looked at their Brilliant Pebbles and it's like a bad joke. A plastic bag of little rocks you tape to your speaker wire or whatever. The picture itself made me feel ill at the stupidity of mankind.

Machina Dynamica has got to be some kind of long-running in-joke, like when Spoons and I came up with Squiglitos^TM, The Virtual Snack Food. "Just because it's not there doesn't mean you can't enjoy it!"

[beowulff]

I have a dear friend who never saw a wacky medical idea she didn't like. Her dog was stricken by sudden blindness, and she took it to this place that uses some Rube Goldberg piece of equipment to shine colored lights on the patient, in order to "stimulate the harmonic vibrations of the DNA" or some such nonsense. After wasting plenty of money, the dog is still blind.

I'm not sure it's these guys, but it's similar: http://www.luminanti.com/light.html

[SnakesCatLady]

Meet the tesla star. My husband's cousin was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 years ago. Instead of conventional treatment, she elected to go with "alternative" treatment - including this nifty little scam. It recently appeared in the living room of my home with no notice - scaring the shit out of me when I woke up and walked in the living room. Apparently my husband picked it up from cousin's house to transport to the assisted living facility she is now residing in. I asked what it does, so after making me stand about 6 feet from it he provided a demonstration (notice the "demon" in that word?).

Having first obtained a florescent tube from the cabinet, husband plugged in the device. The tubes began to glow and the smell of ozone was soon apparent. The round top of the device started glowing with a sort of "crown" effect. Husband pulled the florescent tube about halfway out of the box and walked over to the glowing, humming device. When he got about 3 feet from it, the florescent tube started glowing in his hand! If he got any closer you could see "sparks" reach out from the top of the thing to him.

We then turned it off and opened the house to rid it of ozone.

I cannot say much for it's effectiveness. Cousin told my husband that it is supposed to "boost your immune system, kill cancer cells and make your hair grow". She now has cancer in her liver, spleen and spine in addition to the breast tumor.

Oh, she tried faith healing, too.

[Cluricaun]

Originally Posted by robardin

Uh... huh? Am I missing something, or are these candles not themselves made of wax, and since wax doesn't evaporate in Earth's atmosphere, all the pooled wax accumulated from the candle burning is really not that much of a surprise?

Shhhh.....don't tell the hippies, you'll bankrupt me. I'll cut you in at a 1/4 of the profits right now if you just keep that on the DL, ok?

[OneCentStamp]

Ot Iii

[Tenar]

From Peter Popoff (the Miracle Manna Guy)'s site:

"God is touching hurting people around the world, and NOW He wants to touch YOU"!

That just ain't right.

(Put me down as another person who would appreciate a brief digression pointing us to where it says the "manna from heaven" phenomenon could be attributable to bug droppings. Fungus, I've heard of. Bug droppings, no. I'm not being smarmy, I'm just curious. Thanks!)

[Sophistry and Illusion]

Originally Posted by Sunspace

Machina Dynamica has got to be some kind of long-running in-joke

I wish. But:

Originally Posted by Crescend

You'd think this was satire. Nobody would be this stupid, right? Well, these guys are a regular at industry trade shows where booth space is quite expensive. Clearly, someone's buying.

[OneCentStamp]

Well, the Machina Dynamica guys nailed the perfect industry to ply their trade: one where fanatical aficionadoes are more than willing to dump huge sums of money for minimal improvements (even in the cases where stuff DOES work), and virtually nobody is willing to step up and say the Emperor has no clothes, because if he's naked, they ALL are.

Welcome to the world of high-end audio.

[gonzomax]

Oh do not let my wife see this thread. Fedex would have to work overtime bringing crap to my house.

[Yllaria]

Originally Posted by robardin

Uh... huh? Am I missing something, or are these candles not themselves made of wax, and since wax doesn't evaporate in Earth's atmosphere, all the pooled wax accumulated from the candle burning is really not that much of a surprise?

If it's the same candles that I saw on the debunking show, you don't get puddles of wax. What you get is like the foot pads. The candle burns driplessly for awhile, then you pull it out of your ear and the part that was in your ear has turned black or dark brown.

I think the show determined that the candle end turns dark whether it's in an ear or not.