Enough with the freakin magnets already!! (and other snakeoil scams)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I am giggling my head off looking through these “health” catalogs that came in the mail… you know the type: miracle thigh cream, breast enlargement pills, spray on hair, adult diapers and bibs, padded toilet seats, etc…

Well it seems that now EVERY MOTHER FORKING THING has to have magnets in it! I’ve seen: magnetic wrist, knee, ankle, neck, and back braces, magnetic necklaces, bracelets, and ankle bracelets, magnetic socks, insoles, and “finally! magnetic gloves” (yeah, it’s about time! I’ve been waiting!), and then this last one that has finally made me decide to post this: a magnetic hair brush. The ad reads: “Are you concerned about thinning hair? The Chinese have been studying magnetism for centuries and believe that magnetic therapy can help prevent hair loss, enhance new hair growth, and promote thicker, more luxurious hair. This specially designed brush has built-in magnets to magnetize the bristles”

Does anyone fall for this crap? I mean my god!

Other gems from the catalog, just for fun:
Magnet & Copper Pain Relief Roll-on
Special lemon-scented window cleaner that keeps windows clean for a year
Hemorr-Ice: a little butt-plug thing that you keep in the freezer
Bladder Relief Tablets
Weather Forecasting Owl (changes color to predict the weather)
Instant Gold (plate any metel with lustrous 24k gold)
Instant Hernia Relief Underpants
Vegetable and Fruit Tablets
Leg Cramps (well ok, it supposedly relieves them, but it’s a big bottle with the words LEG CRAMPS on it, and I think it’s hilarious)
Placenta Cream & Chin Strap (prevents chin from sagging)
Aquagen - this one cracks me up: “Oxygen is one of the most important nutrients for the body. Stress, pollutants, improper diet, closed-air systems in airplanes and offices, lack of exercise and more can deprive your body of the oxygen it needs. Aquagen is a safe, reliable source for oxygen. Simply mix the clear, natural solution with water. 2-oz. bottle is a 30-day supply.” - $17
And of course, my favorite, the “personal massager” with the photo of the lady holding an obviously phallic vibrator to her neck.

–
Teeming Millions: http://fathom.org/teemingmillions
“Meat flaps, yellow!” - DrainBead, naked co-ed Twister chat
O p a l C a t
www.opalcat.com

2

AH HA!

So YOU noticed the alternate uses for that ‘finger’ personal vibrator also! I figure that’s the ONLY reason it comes with 5 assorted knobby heads.

I love the BREAST ENLARGEMENT pills. They’ve already been taken to court on TV (that bald headed boxer/referee/ex-marine belligerent judge) by a customer trying to get her money back. (They lost. The customer won and the judge pointed out to all who were watching that no pill increased breast size.)

How about the exercise INFOMERCIALS (my pet peeve) where they too quickly to hear spew out the disclaimer that lets you know it DOESN’T work.

I think the Truth in Advertisement laws have been so soundly corrupted that they need to be revamped.

3

Well the finger massagers are obvious too, but I was talking about the woman holding a full-sized dildo-style vibrator to her neck. I’m gonna scan a few of these ads and put up a funny page on my site later today… I’ll be sure to link to it from here.

–
Teeming Millions: http://fathom.org/teemingmillions
“Meat flaps, yellow!” - DrainBead, naked co-ed Twister chat
O p a l C a t
www.opalcat.com

4

Well, Opal, it seems the new stats are in:

There are now TWO born every minute . . .

5

Well, I guess somebody must, or they wouldn’t keep making the stuff.

The problem with truth-in-advertising laws is the enforcement. There isn’t much incentive to stay truthful when the odds are that the FCC will never get around to you, and even if they do, odds are the penalty (if there is one) will be much less than the profit you’ve already made.

I tell ya, if only I didn’t have a conscience…

6

What the hell do you do with the Aquagen™? Drink it, Snort it, what?

I get it from both sides. I have a cousin who used to push DMSO and now he and his wife are selling health magnets. I have another cousin in med school so I suppose balances out somehow.

Say, is that judge mills lane guy the same one who does the voice of the referee in Celebrity Death Match?

7

I’ll allow it! That’s the same guy.

http://www.madpoet.com
There’s a million fine looking women in the world, dude, but not all of them will bring you lasagna at work. Most just cheat on you.

8
      • What I think is funny about those “health” vibrators is that some of the ones that GNC sells are truly monstrous! You could beat somebody down with one! I would not wanna annoy the lady that uses them things! - MC
9

Oh, I forgot to post the results of my test of “magnetic therapy”, and this reminded me

(extremely brief explaination- someone posted questions about magnetic therapy. I said I’d try them, since I have chronic back pain from surgically placed rods and I have never had a “placebo effect” cure for the pain)

They don’t work. I got my money back.
I tried the stupid things for about a month.

However,

THOSE I may look into…hmmmmmm…
Zette

Love is like popsicles…you get too much you get too high.

Not enough and you’re gonna die…-(Sweet)
Click here for some GOOD news for a change Zettecity

10

Dunno Zette after reading what you want to try and your sig line I had a very unhealthy image pop into my head.

Keith, the Canuck

You want brilliance BEFORE I’ve had my coffee!!!

11

A friend who has standard bred race horses (the kind with a sulkey) said his Vet uses magnetic theropy & it works! No placebo effect with horses! It works for me but may be placebo in my case.

12

Dr. Scholl makes shoe insoles with little magnets inside them!

13

Did you ever see the ad for shoes that help you lose weight? They look like flipflops but have bumps on certain parts of the inside sole. The theory is, those bumps stimulate the points (nerves?) that control your appetite when you walk thus making you not hungry thus you lose weight (hard to explain…I hope that came out right).

For fun, some coworkers pooled their money and ordered a pair. Of course they didn’t work but they thought it was too funny NOT to try it. They each only shelled out about $1.50 for their share so they didn’t get rooked money-wise.

MaryAnn
No, stupid, it’s a boat!

14

http://www.absurdgallery.com/massage.html

15

Revolutionary New Insoles Combine Five Forms of Pseudoscience

God bless the Onion.

My moms got a magnetic pillow or some such item, and when I looked askance at it and mentioned something about all that concentrated electromagnetism probably giving her tumors, I could tell that she was not pleased with my lack of support. I, however, was visibly pleased with myself, which probably contributed to her dissatisfaction.

“Are you frightened of snakes?”
“Only if they dress up as werewolves.”
–Preacher

16

Here are some of the ads I was talking about… still gotta scan in the magnetic brush though
http://fathom.org/opalcat/snakeoil.html

–
Teeming Millions: http://fathom.org/teemingmillions
“Meat flaps, yellow!” - DrainBead, naked co-ed Twister chat
O p a l C a t
www.opalcat.com

17

Actually, I’ve used magnets for muscle pain in my back and neck, and they work great, but you actually have to spend some money and get the more powerful ones. The wimpy-ass cheap ones you see advertised in mail-order catalogs don’t do shit.

Oh, and I’ve been thinking about getting one of those personal massager things…

I never could get the hang of Thursdays. - Arthur Dent

18

Carl said:

Actually, don’t be so sure. There have been some cases of placebo effect in animals.

19

Well, I can say without a doubt, those personal massagers work. I don’t know what you people are talking about. Mine always makes me feel relaxed and refreshed. It mellows me out, and gives me a better outlook on life. I could go on and on… what’s that you say? You’re supposed to use them on your NECK?!?

Never mind.

20

In reality, the model is using the vibrator on her neck to relieve the stress headache she got when she chipped her teeth with it in the first place.

“I know a place where dreams get crushed, hopes are smashed, but that ain’t much.”