Notes from a breakup

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have just had my heart broken, and I’m currently in a state of misery. Part of my obsessional thinking over the past week or so has been to review all the things I did wrong.

I am mostly writing them as a cathartic act, but I am also sharing them with you in the hope that you won’t make the same idiotic mistakes as me. The following points relate to my current situation, but I think many of them would constitute good advice in the vast majority of relationships and breakup aftermaths.

  1. Watch for red flags. If she makes an ‘offhand’ complaint and says that it’s no big deal, this doesn’t mean it isn’t a big deal, or won’t build up into one. Just because you’re OK at the moment, doesn’t mean she is. Talk to her about it as soon as you can.

  2. 90% of the time, people do what they feel like doing. If she’s not returning your calls then, yes, there’s a reason for that.

  3. Tell her how you feel. If she says ‘I feel like I care about you more than you care about me’ - and you do care about her more than she realises, then for Christ’s sake let her know!

  4. After the breakup (during the breakup you are guaranteed to have no dignity) try to fake dignity. If you see her, try to be cheerful and friendly towards her, but not obsessional, and don’t whatever you do beg for her to come back. Definitely don’t try to contact her obsessively. Nothing you can do at this point will help you - but not doing stuff might help. Whatever you do, don’t stalk her (I didn’t thank goodness); let her go for a while.

  5. Don’t fall prey to jealousy. She’s allowed to have guy friends, even new guy friends… :dubious: Yeah, she might fall into his arms after you split up, but there’s nothing you can do about it. You’re split up, you have no rights to anything she does any more. (I didn’t do it, but I suspect that bitching about another guy to her will be counterproductive, and might even make her think more about her friend as a potential partner.) If you see her with someone, you will feel terrible even if there’s nothing going on between them. DO NOT ACT ON THIS FEELING.

  6. Don’t act out of spite. Whether she shows it or not, she’s hurting tremendously already. Don’t add further upset to this.

  7. Leave the channels of communication a possibility after you’re split up - just resist using them at all cost; let her miss you enough to contact you.

  8. Don’t forget, she still has strong feelings for you, even if they are too complex to be expressed as love any more. Respect this and use your faked dignity to give her the space to allow her to work through them.

  9. It will get better. I am in the depths of despair at the moment but I’m not crippled with it like I was a few days ago. Maybe I’ll have some relapses, but the general trend is upwards.

So there are my rules, gained from painful, painful experience.

Points 1 and 6 are the doozies, in my opinion. I missed the warning signs for a couple of months, and then just yesterday, when things seemed to be getting so much better (she had contact me voluntarily for the first time in two weeks), and I sensed she might be reconsidering things - she was being flirtatious, following me with her eyes; acting jealous towards me and other women - I suddenly became obsessed that she was becoming increasingly friendly with another guy; and because of this, I acted out of spite: deleted her from Facebook and my address book and told her I didn’t want to speak to her again. Since that moment she’s looked at me with anger and pity, not wistfulness. I get the impression I destroyed what chance I had of reconciliation, and turned her heart against me.

Any more to share?

2

Grovel, jjimm.

Beg for forgiveness. Admit you’ve been a total shithead, and won’t do it again.

And when she comes back, live up to your promises. All of them.

The phone’s right there. Pick it up and call her.

3

I did. Sadly, this was written after I apologised.

4

One try and you’ve given up?

It could well be the case is hopeless, but you can’t quit yet.

I sincerely hope that the two of you get back together.

5

Sorry to hear it mate. If she’s the one, she’ll find her way back to you.

6

Thanks. I do think that it might help if I stop acting like a crazy bastard.

7

How is that possible? You gotta be who you are. :wink:

I might have expected to see you as a contributor in a thread like this, jjimm, but not as the OP. Sorry to hear it buddy - I hope things get better, and soon.

8

Well, SHIT! I second the second bit of what Mangetout said.

My first assumption was that it was one of those O.P.s where “I have just had my heart broken” is there to wind us all up amusingly, and it is really all about “my new puppy growled today” or some such. Now I only wish it were.

I’m so sorry. :frowning: I really hope there is some way it can all be fixed.

9

I’m no person to offer advice of any kind in a thread like this, so all I’ve got to say is that I too hope things improve for you soon, jjimm.

10

Contrary to what everyone else says - when it’s over, it’s over. Even if you do reconcile, whatever messed things up the first time around is still going to be there.

Plenty of fish in the sea, etc. etc.

bro-hug

11

Pisser, Jjimm.

Not sure what to add. They say the best revenge is living well, and that may be true. But I also think - without necessarily harbouring negative thoughts or spite - the best thing for YOU is living well. So go and have a pint. I’ll raise my glass to you in Sydney. Don’t go and get ratarsed mind you, but a pint, a smoke, and some thought collection never did anyone any harm. Other than that, seems like anything more direct I could advise has been carefully considered and/or done by you already.

You remain one of my very favourite posters on here after all these years. Even if you are a Pom. And a leftie. Take care of yourself.

12

What’s a Pom? :smiley:

13

Australian slang for an Englishman or woman. It’s generally friendly (except when we stick the adjective whinging in front of it - or if it involves cricket). :smiley:

14

Damn, jjimm. I’m sorry.

Your rules are right on, though.

15

Two years into my marriage, it ended…kaput, over. My wife and I separated, but stayed friendly. We each moved on and began new relationships. Six months later, we realized what a colossal mistake we had made. We reconciled, and the past six years have been far, far stronger than the first two.

Over isn’t always over.

16

Something quite funny in an otherwise sad thread. Thanks, Dog.

And the very best of luck to you, jjimm.

17

I’m sorry to hear about your breakup, jimm.

But if it’s any consolation, I’ve had a Doper crush on you for ages. :smiley:

18

You’re a good bloke, jjimm – even though this is a helluva grotty time for you, you’ve told us about it with style. Take care – it’s a bugger that this has happened to you.

19

jjimm, so sorry to hear about your loss.
Currently teaching Developmental Psychology, we have covered a lot of material this quarter and one of the subjects was stress. The number one cause of stress is the death of a spouse…but the loss of a spouse (through divorce or break up) is not far down that rather lengthy list. And stress at this high level can cause real, and serious physical and psychological damage.

I wish I could say there is an easy answer, but there really isn’t. The old adage, “Time heals all wounds.” really is correct. The problem is that time seems to move really slowly during this period.

You can try to avoid being in places where she will be, avoid going to places that remind you of the way things were and try to go out and be with new people in new locations. Granted, that is easier said than done, depending on how large your environment is.

As others have mentioned, this bites the big one. But you both need some serious space to think things out and not do anything on the spur of the moment - as you have just seen, spur of the moment doesn’t usually doesn’t turn out well at this stage of the game.

Take some time - plan a few months at least - and retreat. Do some project you have put off and dig into it, or if you can afford it, go on a short trip somewhere fun - perhaps meet up with an old friend and spend a weekend (or longer) doing something totally different - as far away as you can get. This will be good for both of you.

It is too late for a quick fix. Nothing you can say or do is going to put things back together in the short term. It would be best for both of you to take some time apart to totally re-evaluate what you had, without idealizing the entire relationship. Sometimes people do get back together after months or years apart and things are better than ever. And sometimes they don’t.

It is just going to take time to sort things out…and that, dear jjimm, is going to be the hardest part.

Keep us posted, and best wishes - and hey, there are rumors of a Las Vegas DopeFest in the works soon - maybe a trip over here and some hedonistic madness might be just what you need right now!

20

Hey everyone.

Thanks for all your good wishes. Especially you, Surly Chick for the doper crush, and DMark for the sage advice.

So time is indeed a healer, and I have to say I feel better today than I have done in two weeks. I had a psychobabble-based epiphany about why she wanted to split this afternoon, and since I had it I have felt much better.

Also, yesterday, I found myself ogling another woman in the street, and flirting with a girl at the checkout in a store, which are both things I have not been at all interested in since things went wrong. Thus two days ago, hedonism in Vegas would have left me cold; now it sounds highly tempting…! If only I had the money…

I have withdrawn from her as much as possible, but sadly we work in the same office, and very closely too. And she is hanging with this one guy a hell of lot (a guy I had a sixth-sense ‘danger’ feeling about, a month or so ago) in front of me. But I’ll deal with it, even if it drives me crazy. If she’s with him, then I’m screwed anyway and I don’t want her back; if she’s not, then my retreat from her will give her time to think things over.

Thanks again, everyone.