Really Mom? You're getting married AGAIN? (ranty)

[olivesmarch4th]

My mother. Freud would have a field day with the way I feel about my mother. She has been mentally unstable all of my life. She was never officially diagnosed but she is as clear cut a case of Borderline Personality Disorder as I've ever seen. My entire childhood she was prone to irrational, violent outbursts and then would either shut me out for days or pretend nothing had ever happened. I don't mean Mommy would get angry and scream once in a while. I mean Mommy would punch holes in my bedroom wall and destroy our living room sofa with a kitchen knife and threaten to disown selfish, irresponsible, horrible little me just about every time I talked back. I would have hated her for it but she hated herself enough for both of us, enough that she tried to kill herself when I was about 14 (we also pretended that didn't happen even though my Aunt broke the front window in with a baseball bat to try to get into the house to save her.)

If I sound bitter, I'm not. I mean, I'm angry now, but I'm not the sort who lets rage consume my life. I've put up with a lot of her shit -- I mean a LOT -- I put up with all her loser boyfriends and her four husbands, two of which were alcoholic and two of which abused me -- I even put up with her bullshit reason for divorcing her fourth husband, the one who abused me for years--and her bullshit new identity as Domestic Abuse Victim. You see, Dad #4 got angry with her and gave her a good shove once, and she fell and landed on something sharp and injured her back. So she has convinced every person in her new life that she was the victim of domestic abuse, when she is in fact the one who dished it out year after year after year. Don't get me wrong, the guy's an ass and I have no sympathy for him after what he did to me, but her connection to reality is so tenuous it's amazing she can function.

My God, I am angry. Because since her latest divorce I have tried so hard to be supportive of her, I have watched her take a few stuttering steps forward into the world of adulthood. Nobody knows or loves my mother like I do -- period. I have tried to help her all of my life, but she is in many ways like a child trying to have adult relationships. I see where she came from, all the hurt she carried with her, how unfairly she was thrust into the position of teen Mom, all the years she worked to get her degree as a single parent raising me. She has openly acknowledged (while drunk) that all those years I was more mature than her and that she learned from me. She has openly acknowledged that she feels so much more free now that she is divorced, that she put too much trust in him and allowed him to ruin her emotionally and financially... she will no longer be dependent on men who manipulate and abuse her.

...and now, her 2nd live-in boyfriend since divorce #4, the guy who told her his grandmother was dying so that he could go do housework for the woman he truly loved as recently as 3 months ago, this man, I have been told, is going to be my new stepdad. She called to report this about 20 minutes ago, and then, true to form, promptly ignored everything I had to say about my own life.

Fucking yay. Let's break out the motherfucking champaign. How many phone calls from you should I expect to get asking advice on your relationship this time? What am I going to tell you when you lose your temper for the first time and he is scared shitless for himself and his children? Why do you torment yourself like this? What is this deep-seated need you have to be attached to a man -- some man, any man will do? When will you wake up?

I told my Mom when she broke up with him for the first time that you can't fix asshole, if he does something wrong he will most likely do it again. And at the time she said, ''Thank you, you are so right, you've opened my eyes.'' Next day I get a fucking phone call where she causally mentions they've moved in together. Since she seems so devoted to blithely ignore my advice (and my Aunt's, and my Grandma's), I don't feel I should bother telling her she's fucking insane and she is in the middle of filing fucking bankruptcy for chrissake due to her last marriage. I don't feel I should bother to do anything but respond in a perfectly neutral way. I don't give a shit about this guy but all I ever wanted was for her to find her happiness. Right now she thinks she has found it, but I fear it's a short-lived happiness.

I can't change her. She won't listen. Most of the time I have accepted this, most of the time I am perfectly at peace with who my mother is. But right now, god damn. Merry Fucking Christmas.

[Brynda]

Sigh. It's a bitch, isn't it? I have a crazy mother, too (narcissistic and depressed) and as much as I tell myself your last line about not being able to change her, it is harder than hell to stop trying.

Keep building those good boundaries and keep reminding yourself that all you can do is take care of yourself.

My sympathies.

[cmyk]

It's a testament to your character how you've overcome such emotional and physical abuse, for so long, and well into adulthood, and remain a rational, intelligent and loving individual. I have little advice, other than just keep doing what you're doing, 'cuz it seems to work.

Anger can be a healthy thing, and it seems you're not allowing it to consume you. You're right, you can't change her or anybody else, except for yourself, and so far, there's nothing I see here that you need to change. I think your husband can testify to that, as well.

Hang in there olives, even though history and experience says otherwise, I hope it turns out better than you foresee.

[olivesmarch4th]

Originally Posted by cmyk

It's a testament to your character how you've overcome such emotional and physical abuse, for so long, and well into adulthood, and remain a rational, intelligent and loving individual. I have little advice, other than just keep doing what you're doing, 'cuz it seems to work.

Anger can be a healthy thing, and it seems you're not allowing it to consume you. You're right, you can't change her or anybody else, except for yourself, and so far, there's nothing I see here that you need to change. I think your husband can testify to that, as well.

Hang in there olives, even though history and experience says otherwise, I hope it turns out better than you foresee.

You deserve the biggest hug ever for that.

I think I'm just disappointed. I had convinced myself that a great deal of her problem was her previous marriage (it was 12 years long), and that if she could get out of it, she could learn to be healthy. And there were real signs that she was going that way. When you love someone it's hard to see them do things that will only lead to suffering.

But, it is what it is. I've done everything I can. I know cognitively that her happiness is not my responsibility, something I have known for years. But a part of me still wants her to be okay.

So I think Brynda is right. I've got a lot going on in my own life right now. Maybe I should just try not to think about it too much.

[Muffin]

Nothing to say, other than I wish you the very best in dealing with this.

[Zebra]

Merry Christmas?

[olivesmarch4th]

Originally Posted by Zebra

Merry Christmas?

I didn't mean to be a Scrooge! I'll enjoy my holiday. They say the best revenge is a life well-lived. They say that, don't they? They should say that.

Guess who got an interview offer for UPenn? Yeah. Good times.

[Shirley Ujest]

Is there an actual reason why you actually still talk to this woman? Other than the fact she expelled you from her uterus, I mean?

[pbbth]

I have a friend whose mom does similar things. About a year ago her mom left her on-again, off-again boyfriend who abused her and wouldn't let her see her kids. After a failed suicide attempt she took her 17 year old son and moved about 400 miles away to take a job in a small TX town. She got laid off about 6 weeks ago and her son joined the army so she flew back to her ex and is living with him yet again. My friend has simply decided she will not offer help again of any kind and will not provide monetary help even if asked but will assist as much as she can if her mom asks for help AND it will not cost her anything but time. It sucks, but you simply can't make her be healthy or responsible.

[olivesmarch4th]

Originally Posted by Shirley Ujest

Is there an actual reason why you actually still talk to this woman? Other than the fact she expelled you from her uterus, I mean?

Because I love her.

[jali]

I'm glad you have a place where you can let off this steam.

You're amazing to be able to handle all of this despite your history. I admire you.

Loving your mother means you still see the good and that you won't allow bitterness to poison you.

I wish you all the best.

[Across]

It's terrible, being the grown-up responsible person when your parent acts like a child. And you have no authority to try and get your advice taken because they can always pull out the trump card "but I'm your mother!"

I know exactly how you feel. If this was a friend, you would write them off. But it's your mother and you love her and you can't stop trying to help even though you know, if only intellectually, that nothing you do or say can help.

Hang in there olive and vent all you need to - we're here for you.

{{olivesmarch4th}}

[elbows]

I have discovered what really is the best revenge...living in joy!

I wish you tons of luck and good vibes.

[olivesmarch4th]

Originally Posted by elbows

I have discovered what really is the best revenge...living in joy!

I wish you tons of luck and good vibes.

Thank you, all of you, I really appreciate the support.

I've been giving this some thought and I have decided to be happy for her. Maybe it's true that her happiness is only temporary, but she's made it clear that this is what she wants to do, and she's a grown-up, and there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop her. So I will just try to be a part of her joy now. I really don't know what else I can do.

[ivylass]

Originally Posted by olivesmarch4th

Because I love her.

That's fine, but don't love her blindly. She doesn't get to shit all over you and expect you to ask for more.

As I told my son once, sometimes you just have to get out of the way and let people be stupid. You can't fix her, accept her for what she is, a flawed human being in need of therapy, and don't let her stop you from what you want to be.

[Shirley Ujest]

Originally Posted by ivylass

That's fine, but don't love her blindly. She doesn't get to shit all over you and expect you to ask for more.

As I told my son once, sometimes you just have to get out of the way and let people be stupid. You can't fix her, accept her for what she is, a flawed human being in need of therapy, and don't let her stop you from what you want to be.

If I ever get around to embroidering witty sayings, this will be one of them.

Brilliant!

[BaneSidhe]

I have lots of {{HUGS}} for you, olives.

One of my best friends has a mother somewhat like yours and only now is she starting to get over how cruel the old biddy is. Personally I'd like to dump the nasty bitch into a deep hole, pour in some highly flammable liquid and throw a match in, but that's me.

Here, have some more {{HUGS}}