I gave up a free college education to become homeless... am I crazy?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Please forgive me for posting one of these long, rambling rants here again – some of you are no doubt familiar with the others – but I have no mentors or understanding peers I can relate this kinda stuff to in real life and I can no longer afford professional advice. I would not be posting this here were the Dope not my last resort.

I think I might’ve fucked up in a major way. I also think I might’ve stumbled across a halfway-decent method of “finding myself”, whatever the hell that means.

I’m not sure which I believe more, and I would deeply appreciate any guidance the older and/or wiser among you are willing to provide. I feel quite lost.

My dilemma: I lack discipline. Is it a good idea to force myself into artificially challenging situations in order to grow into a stronger person?

A month and a half ago, I voluntarily dropped out of college to become homeless so I could experience the “real world” and maybe grow up a little in the process. Now, before I go on, I want to preface this with the disclaimer that I’m young, I’m stupid, and like so many my age (24), I’m hopelessly idealistic (and naive, of course). But at least I realize this now and am open to advice.

So, a little background (for the lucky few of you who haven’t yet seen my other whiney threads): I was a spoiled, sheltered brat most of my life, courtesy of upper-middle-class parents with no other kids to support. Between community college and university, I’ve been trying the whole higher education thing for more than five years with only two accumulated years of mediocre progress to show for it; the rest of the time I’ve either been goofing off or – essentially – wallowing in self-pity, all on my folks’ dime. They are, shall we say… extraordinarily accommodating… primarily because I’ve tried to kill myself twice and I guess they’re scared of losing me. They’ve paid for countless hours of professional therapy and medical (including inpatient) care, all to no real avail. Between the various highly-paid shrinks, their diagnoses, my terrified parents, and an all-too-forgiving university, I had begun to buy into their rationalizations. It was all too easy to externalize my problems. “It’s ok,” they would imply and I would believe, because the DSM-IV (psychiatry’s bible) conveniently provided labels for my situation, giving it an air of authority and seriousness which I felt it never really deserved. Deep down, there were always creeping pangs of guilt from not having taken responsibility for what I knew (or at least deeply believed) to be mostly a matter of my own immaturity.

I’m not going to say I was faking mental illness because it really felt like I wasn’t; it was more like, over time, those diagnoses had taken on a power of their own and become self-fulfilling prophecies. I was a victim of learned helplessness, I suppose.

Fast forward to the latest attempt, which I survived but nonetheless bore the costs for. I was kicked out of my college dorm for liability reasons, cutting me off from the great majority of my friends in the process. I couldn’t quite stand the new-found loneliness and my academics were suffering as a result. After a brief talk with a school counselor, she suggested that I withdraw altogether, at least temporarily, to straighten out my priorities and learn what I really wanted out of life.

I agreed. “It’s my life,” I thought, “and if I don’t take control of it, nothing will ever change”.

So less than half an hour later, I was officially out of school, out of financial aid, out of a job, and living out of my car. That same day, I stopped taking money from my folks – putting myself thousands of dollars in medical and other debt – and decided to rough it as best as I could on my own. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s definitely been a learning experience, and I feel like I’m finally beginning to grow up a little. Got a lot of catching up, still: Most people my age I know are long done with college, involved in exciting careers and meaningful relationships, maybe even starting families, whereas I feel like I’m still dealing with teenage melodrama that I never properly overcame before.

So here’s the plan: I’m currently surviving off food stamps and a credit card, paying back what debts I can by going from odd job to odd job. I got accepted for an intense summer position with the California Conservation Corps doing manual labor in the backcountry for five months. By their description, it should be hard, hard work for weeks on end. I chose the job because I felt it would force me to get in shape emotionally, mentally, and physically – I simply will not have the time or luxury to wallow in self-pity, alcoholism, binge eating, and depression any longer. I will also be banking most of my wages (not much to buy out there) to pay back my debts, leaving me in a much better financial situation once I return. I also have an upcoming interview for another job that starts soon after I get back: If accepted, I’ll be living and working in a museum/model home for ecologically sustainable living (which is what I want to shift my focus towards if I ever return to college). Sounds like I’ve got it all down, right?

But the truth is that I’m scared shitless. What if I can’t hack it? Or what if the shrinks were right and this really isn’t my fault or something I could manage on my own? What if this is just ignorance and hubris overriding professional medical opinion? I really don’t know what to believe anymore. I’ve been struggling with these things since fifth grade and nothing in the past has worked.

In summary, it’s really quite simple: I was stuck in a vicious spiral of so-called mental illness, eating disorders, drugs, booze, impulsive and self-destructive behaviors, blah blah blah blah… then I realized I needed to quit bitching and clean the fuck up; the only way that was ever going to happen was if it were forced on me, but no one is really going to do that for me at this age. I’m 24 now, but I feel more like a 14-year-old trapped in an older dude’s body. So now I’m forcing it on myself, going old-school discipline on my ass. There are hundreds of thousands of people in worse situations than me and only by pulling themselves up by their bootstraps can they ever hope to have better lives, so it is by their example that I, too, hope to rise to the challenge… or die trying.

(Meekly) I want to believe that I’ve abandoned my comfortable existence so I can find some degree of strength and direction in the purity of desolation, but what if I were really just headed towards a path of even more disillusionment, emotional instability, loneliness, poverty, chronic homelessness, and… death?

I feel so lost and I’m so scared to ask… am I doing (even remotely) the right thing…?

2

I’m in no authoritative position to give advice, but sure, I think you could be on the right track. School isn’t for everyone.

If you can find regulation and discipline in your summer position it may lead to a great career. Lots of very wise people have started life in unconventional means.

Don’t alienate yourself from your parents; keep in touch. You sound like Jim Morrison. Don’t die like him.

3

Believe it or not, that sounds strikingly similar to my own story in many ways, minus a couple of points - I’ve never been in therapy even though I probably should have gone I was just too embarrassed to ask my parents for the money to do it (I certainly didn’t have the money myself), though I’m sure they would have paid - my brother is in therapy, as well as alcoholic. I never had alcohol problems, but I’ve done the binge eating and depression (and lots of other drugs in high school). I also dropped out of school to live in a van for a few months, in Mexico no less. And I was 19 at the time.

Yeah, I’m glad in a way that I’ve done what I’ve done because it made me who I am, and it has made me a strong person but… damn, it’s a hard life you’re setting yourself up for. I finally got to the point where I got sick of it and decided to go back to school like a good little boy and finish up my bachelor’s degree, which is what I’m working on now and will be for the next 2 years or so.

Basically, my experience has to a large extent helped me “get over myself” and realize I can reap what I sow from this world (the whole learned helplessness thing is a big obstacle to this attitude, putting you in a dangerous “what’s the point” mentality), and I really do want to reap, so I’m finally learning to kick my own ass and get to the sowing. When you’re young you haven’t had as much time to cultivate real skills and people just don’t treat you with as much respect. It’s a shock moving from that coddled childhood phase to a much harsher reality where nobody gives a shit about you, only what you can do for them. So yeah, I get it. But I guess the moral is the old “this too shall pass”.

4

I don’t know nothin’ about nothin’, but your own self analysis seems very insightful, and your prospects over the coming months with this conservation job sounds like a good idea.

I think this is probably going to turn out okay. Try to avoid the self doubt, though, as that seems the biggest demon you have to fight.

5

I think you’re crazy.

6

This guy I know works on an organic farm and lives in a cottage that he gets rent free as long as he does the manual labour it needs.

School wasn’t for him, he’ll never use the degree he did get. He gets time for his music, has a girlfriend and has food.

Happiest fucker I know.

That said, when you choose to live a lifestyle like that, people are always going to question. And since you are people, that means you, too. When you drop off the map like that, counting on the physical labour to keep any problems you have in check, you can get disconnected from the factors that might make you realise something is wrong.

Make sure there are people who know you- people who will look for you if you suddenly disappear. Have a social ‘net’, whatever you do.

Me, I’d take the easy as long as it was coming. I’m glad I did for as long as I did, because shit ain’t as easy now.

7

You know I am all for you joining the CCC. If you’d like to be Corps penpal buddies, lemme know.

Go and find your own way in life.

8

I don’t see any problem with what you’re doing as long as you don’t lose touch with your family. You’re learning how to be self-sufficient and you’re learning a skill.

Don’t worry about where your friends are in their lives. You can only live your own life. Behave in a kind and honorable way and pull your own weight. As you mature, you’ll find what makes you comfortable and what gives meaning to your life. Good luck.

9

I admire the fact that you are not just drifting along. You have set a difficult journey for yourself and hopefully you will get what you need from it. A lot of us did not have to seek what you are trying, our lives already contained all the tribulations anyone could ever ask for, but I would bet the people we are now could not have happened without the trials. So, yes you are most likely doing the correct thing. Good luck on your path, keep us posted.

10

I’m disturbed by the general characterization of what appear to be very serious mental health issues as being attributable to “immaturity.” Immature people don’t attempt suicide, they just grouse about having to go to work in the morning.

The idea that hard work will leave no time for alcoholism simply makes no sense to me. It strikes me as profound denial, as well as the attitude that what are really matters of health are being treated as matters of ethics.

My prediction is that, if the mental health issues remain untreated, the work at the CCC or any other place will end up being a chaotic mess, whether or not the OP realizes it.

My opinion is that if professional help has been unsatisfying, the chances of pulling one’s self up by the bootstraps is zero. And I also feel profoundly sorry for all the difficulties the OP has had in his life, and I sincerely wish for better times and a better life for him. It’s just I don’t think he is pursuing a very wise course for treating his illnesses.

11

You do whatever you need to do to be happy, however a healthy 24 year old should not be living on food stamps. Get a job at McDonald’s if you have to, but living off food stamps and credit cards is hardly growing up. Supporting yourself is.

12

You have a plan and it seems sound. Good luck! As others have said, make sure your parents know how to get in touch with you – and it would be nice for you to call them once in a while to reassure them you’re OK.

13

Many people grow up and figure things out during their teen/college years. Oftentimes, there is a little bit of readjustment in the early 20’s - people find their degrees not useful, so a career switch is in order; relationships from college seem childlike and people start looking for someone else to settle down with, etc. Since this is the typical or common process, people see that as the standard to live up to.

For some, this more common process just doesn’t work out for them. It sounds like this may be the case for the OP.

I can certainly sit here as a 32 yr old who went through the ‘normal’ process, has a steady job, a stable marraige and say ‘wow, thats a fucked up way to be at 24’ - but really, who the hell am I to pass judgement? I know nothing about the OP except what was originally posted, and is it fair for me to apply my thought processes and justifications to someone else’s life situations? Nope.

So - if the OP comes back and reads this - I just have to say a couple things. One, you sell yourself short. You should be scared. You should be scared absolutely shitless. This is a completely new situation for you. Hell - I was scared coming out of college because for the first time in my life, I had some major life changing decisions to make (get a job right away? go back to school where it’s ‘safe’ because I had been in an academic surrounding for 16 years? join the military?) and for the first time, I could make a decision and potentially really fuck up . So I think you are not giving yourself enough credit for even attempting to do what you are doing. It takes huge balls to do that.

Second, and this is probably the most important - you know something is wrong. Whether its immaturity or whatever - you identified that something isn’t quite right, and you are prepared to take drastic measures in an attempt to fix it. I’m actually surprised that you have tried committing suicide - although I know nothing of that situation, it wouldn’t occur to me that someone willing to try and commit suicide would bother trying to go through what you are trying to do.

Third - you may simply need something to feel proud of. From what I gather, a lot of people join the military because they recognize they need the discipline. At least, that was the reason my dad told me he joined the military when he did. He know he needed something to kick his ass - and I’m wondering if perhaps you do as well. Maybe the CCC will do that for you. Maybe, after a few months of hard work that has a tangible result (as opposed to academics, where people freely admit they dont use 95% of what they learned) you can look back and say ‘I did that, god damnit, and I did it with my own grit and determination’. Learning what persistence and perseverance (sp?) really mean can work wonders for self esteem.

Good luck - and I also agree that you should make sure your parents know how to get in touch with you. You are very lucky that you can put yourself through this kind of situation without being completely alone. Many people who are homeless have absolutely noone

14

I think deep down you know what you have to do. If this is putting school on hold (or completely dropping out) to give yourself time to grow up, figure things out, and experience new challenges on your own, so be it. Given my own experiences, I do think sometimes forcing yourself into a new situation and divorcing yourself from your usual reality is a way to give yourself a kick in the ass and reset yourself from a funk. Just be aware of why you’re doing it and what your final goal is.

Best of luck.

15

Well, you’re on a course that will end one of three ways:
1.) You’ll become a functional adult
2.) You’ll become a friendless and family-less homeless bum. An utterly useless creature that will eventually freeze to death on a park bench some winter and be interred in an unmarked grave at state expense.
3.) You’ll chicken out, call your parents, and return to the status quo.

The trick is avoiding number 2 without being too willing to do number 3. your plan isn’t bad, it makes sure that you’re too poor, too isolated, and too busy to get into trouble; you’re effectively sending yourself to boot camp. If you’re just immature, unmotivated, and spoiled (this is my impression of your own self-image, I certainly don’t know you well enough to have my own opinion of you), then you’re guaranteed option 1 or 3. Perfect reason to go for it and stick it out even if it feels like it will kill you. The only problem i see is that the shrinks might be right. How serious are your meds, are they going with you, and what happens if you go off them? Keep in mind that there’s a reason why so many (permanent) homeless people have serious mental illnesses; it’s a very hard hole to climb out of once you’re in.

16

Damn. I’m really surprised. I woke up expecting to be absolutely lambasted.

Thank you all. Really. It is incredibly reassuring.

Rigamarole, that sounds very much the same indeed. Thanks for sharing that. What changed? How did you get out of it and back in school? Any regrets?

My parents… I wish I knew how to communicate with them better. We’re separated by what seem like vast, impassable oceans of culture, language, and ideology (I was born and raised in Asia, but in an American school, whereas they’re very much traditional Chinese parents). They feel like such strangers. So many times I’ve tried discussing these things with them, but it’s hard when the intersection of our languages is basically stuck at a 5th-grade level. I haven’t spoken to them in weeks in part because I didn’t want to get another series of lectures and accusations, in part because I really didn’t know what to tell them either. I wish somebody could translate what I wrote here today into their language so they can know what I’m thinking, that I’m heading into this because I feel it is my last, best chance, not because I decided to cut class “just cuz”.

And making friends has always been incredibly difficult for me, but I’m hoping this job, with like-minded people my age from all walks of life, will improve that a bit. I talked to one of the program directors today and she showed me profiles of the others in my crew; I’m really excited to meet 'em.

And Cicero and Ravenman: Believe me, I know. There’s something seriously f’ed up with yours truly; that much has been established. The question is how to live despite that. Psychiatry has not helped. Ever. I’m a big believer in science and modern medicine, but frankly, I think the science of psychology is still in its infancy, and until the brain is more thoroughly understood, their solutions seem haphazard at best… or at least they simply don’t work for me. There is no magical happiness pill yet. In the meantime, I feel that I must take things into my own hands and try to move on regardless of whatever underlying physiological conditions there may or may not be. The alternative is either surviving off my parents’ goodwill and bank accounts, neither of which are infinite, or being a leech on society and living on whatever disability programs I might qualify for. But if I can’t contribute anything back to the world, seriously, why bother? If I’m miserable and all I can look forward to the rest of my life is being dependent on charity and even more misery… the only honest, honorable, and logical thing to do is what I’ve already attempted. I honestly don’t know what else to do, so I’m delving into this with a blindfold on and fingers crossed. If you have a better idea, please share.

PunditLisa, food stamps are (hopefully) not going to be a permanent thing. In this economy it is incredibly difficult to find a job, and more so in rural Humboldt County, and even more so when I’m going to be leaving in a month for the CCC and can’t stick around for the long term. I’ve been trying to support myself going from job to job, but in the times in between I still need to eat. Humboldt County even has a waiver from the state or feds (I forget which); food stamp applicants here don’t have to make the standard 6 job contacts a week because, as the social worker put it, “there simply aren’t any jobs here”. Besides, they haven’t actually kicked in yet, being tied up in bureaucracy and red tape even though I applied more than a month ago (so really, it’s just been the credit card so far). Still, I’m trying, and hopefully things will be better once I get back from the stint and am freer from debt.

silk1976, suicide is not something I attempted out of laziness, but desperation. It was a last resort when no amount of personal, familial, or societal effort seemed to improve a situation. And thank you. I am scared. Really, really scared. Boot camp / the military was one of my top choices, actually, but I really cannot get over the shit we did in Afghanistan and Iraq and so many other places… ugh. Anyway, not the place for that. You’re right in that I’m not completely alone (though it certainly feels like that sometimes). I’ll do well to remember that and connect with the few real friends and loved ones I do have.

17

Sup bro? I am 25 and feel the same way. I’m a chaotic mess sometimes. I can go from metahumor and deep philosophical arguments to 5 minutes later discussing Pokemon and power rangers. It really makes trying to relate to other people hard sometimes. They’ll trying to have adult conversation and I’ll want to talk about how awesome dread locks would be.

Anyway yea I don’t really have natural focus or organization. My first semester I had a GPA of 1.7. No bueno. It really freaked me out. I mean no college = stuck at crappy jobs forever. Well I took fall off to sort corn to make some money.

Best choice I could have made. The van, my only source of transportation died. So I had to bike to work. 9 miles both ways, and I saved up money. It was hard because town was the opposite way from work. If I needed pet food, human food, etc. I had to ride 7 miles into town then 7 miles back then 9 into work.

I spent a lot of time on the bike, and I put in long 54 hour weeks to save up for a really cheap car. You can’t bike in the winter

I remember thinking of it as a kind of bootcamp. After making myself do all that for 2 months, including biking home in the dark. I fucking hate the dark. Opossums are fucking scary bastards. They’re really loud like a bear coming out of the shadows to eat you, and raccoons. in the dark one of those buggers jumped out and I swear on the last slice of pizza that it looked like a big shadowy demon coming to take my soul. My heart beat so fast the shock waves showed up on a seismograph in Toledo.

So yea I don’t like the dark.

Anyway corn finished up and I got my brand new $600 dollar used 1987 Oldsmobile 88 Royal, pimped out with tape, glue, and Plexiglas holding the broken window up. For that VIP look.

A few months later college started back up. Doing great. getting 4.0s in all my classes, including two from last summer I retook. I don’t know if I picked up some self discipline last fall, but I do know I picked up a strong desire to succeed lest I have to go through that again.

I’m still just as flaky and disorganized as ever. I just learned to deal with it. Like I keep anything I could possibly need for school in my car so I can’t forget it, and I have a calender on my phone I copy all my homework due dates to and then set it to nag me.

Then I put it off anyway till the night before it’s due and stay up late forsaking sleep to play Pokemon and put it off just a bit longer. Then I do it. :slight_smile:

Anyway, the fear, the desire to toughen up, the immaturity you sound about like me then and if I can do it, then you can do it.

Good luck at bootcamp!

oh and protip: the 14 year old thing can be quiet useful if you learn to use it right.

18

Exactly. I forgot to mention that I’m technically on educational leave, so I can go back to the same school without needing to re-apply if I ever decided to. But I have one just more chance there (been on academic probation twice already, re-extended one last time due to the extenuating circumstances), and I’m not going to take it until I’m absolutely ready. If I ever return, it will be with a “YES! EDUCATE ME, BABY! OHHH, YES!” attitude, not “Ugh… why am I here again?”.

Wow. You nailed it in three succinct sentences.

If there’s any cognitive function and self-determination at all left in me, 2 will not happen. I’d sooner die. But at the same time, I don’t know if that’s a fair way to categorize them – I know I, at least, don’t understand them and haven’t gone through what they have. Every night in my car I’m grateful for everything I do have and I can’t / am afraid to imagine what it’s like in the pouring rain, in the forest, with a makeshift tent and wet sheets. That’s hard. I’m in fucking paradise in comparison, whatwith warm, reliable transportation, a credit card, and a laptop (and the Dope!) to keep me sane. Even while homeless there’s a huge class divide, and believe me, I know which side I fall on and I’m counting my blessings. My situation is positively bourgeois in comparison and really, that guy standing on the corner every day and retreating to the forest at night… he’s my hero. There is no way in hell I’m strong enough for that shit, and I think I would rather blame our society than those individuals. Man, that’s just fucking nuts. 10 years or more, all alone, nobody to give a shit about you and still surviving… if that’s not tough, I don’t know what is.

3 is what I’m much worried about. “Mommy! I fucked up. Will you get me an apartment?” is but a phone call away. It’s been almost two months now. If I can last one more, the CCC job should kick in and the rest should be easier. Well, or at least harder in a different way – I’ll be working my ass off instead of bitching my ass off.

I’m not on meds anymore. We experimented with various pills and pill combinations, and they just made things much, much worse. Apparently there were latent bipolar tendencies in me that the wrong meds can bring out in a bad way – that partially contributed to the most recent attempt, before which I’d been at least SOMEWHAT stable, if not entirely happy, for the past decade.

If emotions can be roughly measured on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being Mr. Bean-style happy-creepy, me without the meds is a pretty stable 3-4.

When I’m on meds, it feels like a rocket-propelled underground rollercoaster jumping between 5 and -15 on a minute-by-minute or hour-by-hour basis. I started cutting myself, overdosing on antidepressants, drinking by the caseful, twitching uncontrollably, etc. etc. The +1 increase in mood wasn’t worth the volatility and emotional instability.

The scariest part was when I asked him how the drugs actually worked. His response was that basically they didn’t usually know; in at least one case the drugs were designed and tested on schizophrenics (which I’m not) who were also depressed; they self-reported relief from both sets of symptoms and thus some drugs became dual-use antidepressants as well. And as for which particular drug or cocktail to use and at which dosage? Trial and error, essentially. What the fuck kind of procedure is that? “We’ll make you take random pills until one of 'em sticks and you either get used to the side effects or become so numb you don’t even notice them”. Uh, no thanks. (Though feel free to correct me if this is a gross misrepresentation of the facts.)

19

That’s fucking epic. It’s really, really good to know I’m not the only one doing shit like that. I’m that much more hopeful. Thank ya.

Hrm…? :dubious:

And Rigamarole, since you have a similar story too, I’d love to hear it in more detail if you’re willing to share.

20

I was a pretty bad mess ages 18 to 25 or so. Depressed, immature and suffering from extremely low self esteem, I withdrew from education, work and family, cherishing idealistic scenarios of living off the land, fighting the system, making my own way (literally).

It’s been seven years now and I’m at the Uni putting my skills and interests to good use, I have a wife and a beautiful daughter. All things I couldn’t have imagined at age 24. I’m independent and integrated. Someone might still call me an anarchist and an eccentric, put I’m part of the society, do my share and, above all, am happy. In the end, no permanent damage was done by the years spent fallen off the wagon. I’m still young and view 20-somethings as kids, basically. Some people need more time to iron out the wrinkles than others.