I can't kill bugs. Help me.

[choie]

I have an overdeveloped sense of empathy, to the point where I feel sorry for inatimate objects when it comes time to throw them out. This means I have a tendency for hoarding, although I fight it as much as I can. I’m not talking Collyer brothers-level or anything like that; I just mean I keep things longer than I should and usually have to have a big ol’ cleaning session every couple of months.

Anyway, as I know intellectually that inatimate objects have no brains or ability to feel anything, I am able to toss stuff out.

Unfortunately, I have a carpet beetle problem in my apartment. And this causes a big problem because first, it’s gross, and second, I am constantly torn by my inability to do anything about it. When it comes to actual living creatures, I can’t rationalize killing them myself. (Before anyone says anything, yes, I know I’m a hypocrite because I’m not a vegetarian.) I can’t crush them. The best I can do is sweep them out the window, which I suppose is murder as well (I live on the ninth floor) but I figure at least they have a fighting chance since they can sorta fly.

But this isn’t a very good solution to this ongoing bug problem, 'cause these little BBBs – black bug bastards, as I call 'em – are driving me nuts. Spring is a nightmare for me because they appear every year. The most common suggestion I’ve found is to vacuum them up. But the thought of vacuuming these BBBs up and tossing the bag in the incinerator makes me nauseous and weepy.

The problem is really bad and I just wish I had the ability to kill these suckers and forget about it. Yet just now I tossed some out and I started to cry. Even now I’m teary. I don’t know why … It’s not a religious thing, I’m not Hindu or anything like that. I just feel that I’m no better than the bug, and it’s pure chance that I’m not in the same position as this creature. Maybe there is a small fear of “karma” in a way … as if by being cruel to something else, I’m asking for some retribution. And yes, I know this is superstitious, magical thinking. I’m neurotic like that.

Does anyone else feel like this? What the hell is wrong with me? What can I do? How do I harden my heart? Should I? These feelings make life so hard for me. I feel horrible about having these fucking creatures in my house but I’m trapped. And I’m still crying.

[SiXSwordS]

IANADr. and I in no way mean to imply that I am by asking questions, but I have a stand by question for situations like this.

“What do you think about yourself when you are in this situation.”

The words you use are important, but I recommend that you write them down rather than posting them. Also, write a number from 1 to 100 approximating the percentage of anxiety you are feeling over this most recent experience. 100% would represent an unbearable anxiety that would drive you to seek immediate medical attention.

I can’t say what — if anything — is “wrong” with you, but I find that the source of intense emotional reactions to daily stimulus (like insects in the house) tends to be a result of something other than the apparent stimulus, almost always comments you make to yourself without fully reflecting on them.

I’m sorry I’m not more eloquent on the subject. I cannot say I share your feelings specifically on this subject, but I do understand the intensity.

[TruCelt]

Hmmmnn. It would be an excellent thing if it caused you to research the most humane way of disposing of them, as opposed to being unable to do so at all. I would also feel terrible if I consigned a live creature to a burning death, but poisoning the roaches in my house does not bother me. I absolutely can not live with them, and simply want to do them in with the least possible harm to my daughter and myself, and the most humane end for them, in that order.

The fact that you aren’t a vegetarian actually indicates that you are capable of objectifying or filtering in a healthy way, and that you have a grasp of the fact that sometimes one organism must go to make way for another. Does it just fail you perhaps in the presence of movement? What if you could put a poison trap quietly under the carpet and let them eat to their own demise? Would that feel better than the crushing or tossing options?

When I had a tropical fish get sick once, I did a lot of research on the most humane way to end his pain. The final verdict was that freezing would be gentlest. They just sort of slowly fall asleep and then die. Maybe you could put them in a ziplock bag in the freezer?

But honestly in the case of bugs our hands can’t grab and capture them as fast as they can multiply. A bait station is probably the best answer, followed by the freezer for any who are injured but not quite gone.

Or call an exterminator, and let them take the karmic hit. . . I wonder if after we die we’ll find that exterminators are the true Sin Eaters of our world?

[choie]

Thanks to both of you for your kind responses. And for not making me feel even more of a freak than I usually feel!

@SiXSwordS

IANADr. and I in no way mean to imply that I am by asking questions, but I have a stand by question for situations like this.

“What do you think about yourself when you are in this situation.”

To clarify, do you mean, I should ask myself if I think I’m a monster or a coward or mean, that sort of thing?

The words you use are important, but I recommend that you write them down rather than posting them. Also, write a number from 1 to 100 approximating the percentage of anxiety you are feeling over this most recent experience. 100% would represent an unbearable anxiety that would drive you to seek immediate medical attention.

Oh I don’t mean to imply that this is a panic attack; I’ve had those (quel surprise) but this doesn’t trigger anxiety, exactly. Just shame and sorrow. Though now that you mention it, maybe there is anxiety too, because of feeling trapped. Anyway I will give that a try and will write it down, thank you.

I can’t say what — if anything — is “wrong” with you, but I find that the source of intense emotional reactions to daily stimulus (like insects in the house) tends to be a result of something other than the apparent stimulus, almost always comments you make to yourself without fully reflecting on them.

I’m sorry I’m not more eloquent on the subject. I cannot say I share your feelings specifically on this subject, but I do understand the intensity.

To the contrary, I think you’re quite eloquent, and I really do appreciate your thoughtful advice. There are definite “issues” going on, of which the insect-killing-weepiness is but a symptom. I just hope to be able to deal with the symptoms right now rather than the core cause, because I already tried that and it’s not been very successful, plus it takes too freakin’ long and these BBBs are squicking me out and driving me bonkers now! Moreso than usual, anyway.

@TruCelt

Hmmmnn. It would be an excellent thing if it caused you to research the most humane way of disposing of them, as opposed to being unable to do so at all. I would also feel terrible if I consigned a live creature to a burning death, but poisoning the roaches in my house does not bother me. I absolutely can not live with them, and simply want to do them in with the least possible harm to my daughter and myself, and the most humane end for them, in that order.

That sounds healthy to me.

The fact that you aren’t a vegetarian actually indicates that you are capable of objectifying or filtering in a healthy way, and that you have a grasp of the fact that sometimes one organism must go to make way for another. Does it just fail you perhaps in the presence of movement? What if you could put a poison trap quietly under the carpet and let them eat to their own demise? Would that feel better than the crushing or tossing options?

Possibly, it might remove me from the process a bit. From all I’ve read, these bugs aren’t the poison-eating type. They dine on fabric and dust. I don’t even have a carpet, they just like my upholstery, clothing and paper. Yuck. I’m a little concerned about poison since I have a couple of cats and heaven only knows if I could keep them from ingesting it.

When I had a tropical fish get sick once, I did a lot of research on the most humane way to end his pain. The final verdict was that freezing would be gentlest. They just sort of slowly fall asleep and then die. Maybe you could put them in a ziplock bag in the freezer?

But honestly in the case of bugs our hands can’t grab and capture them as fast as they can multiply. A bait station is probably the best answer, followed by the freezer for any who are injured but not quite gone.

I’m sorry about your fish. I dunno, the thought of all these bugs crawling around in a bag in my freezer is skeeving me out. But I’ll give thought to that, thank you for the idea!

Or call an exterminator, and let them take the karmic hit. . . I wonder if after we die we’ll find that exterminators are the true Sin Eaters of our world?

LOL, good point! Yes, an exterminator is probably my best option. It’s on the table, just a last resort sorta thing, cost-wise.

Thanks very much for being so supportive, TruCelt and SIXSwordS.

[gwendee]

Do you rent your apartment? Is pest control covered in your lease?

I am not a ruthless bug killing machine. I carry spiders outside. Carpet beetles however, if left unchecked will destroy things you own. Sweeping them outside would be irresponsible so they really have to go. Can you persuade yourself to think of them less as sympathetic creatures entitled to their place on earth and more as fiber eating pests who don’t pay rent and therefore have no right to be in your home?

[SiXSwordS]

@choie

To clarify, do you mean, I should ask myself if I think I’m a monster or a coward or mean, that sort of thing?

First off, I’m relating things that work for me. I have some, er, irrational nueroses.

I’m not talking about asking yourself how you feel or think about yourself; more like trying to take a quick snapshot when you feel this way. What thoughts go through your mind. I have been surprised at times to find that when I’m worried about — say — getting my taxes done in a timely way, that I think about keeping my house clean.

And I used the term anxiety loosely… if I’m feeling weepy and I’m not really “sad” I think of it as anxiety.

I just hope to be able to deal with the symptoms right now rather than the core cause

If you know that dealing with the bugs is something you want to do, you can try writing down ahead of time what you expect your “anxiety” to be like after you’ve swept them out the window (or whatever) using the same percentages as before. Then, after you’ve dealt with them (or some of them… or one of them…) check to see if you are as upset as you expected.

Likewise, you can write down beforehand what your expectations are in terms of satisfaction at completing (or beginning… or making a dent in…) the project at hand. You could even write down your expectations in terms of addressing an obviously touchy emotional issue.

For me, the “symptoms” are that I don’t accurately judge the situation. I dread certain tasks despite the fact that they aren’t as bad as I expect and I dismiss the admittedly small satisfaction one gets from overcoming the obstacles to some chore.

Writing it down before and after makes it more objective for me and keeps the issue out of my irrational, conniving little brain that likely caused the problem in the first place.

[CutterJohn]

My heart was hardened as a young boy with a magnifying glass, so I can only really empathize with your situation if I pretend the bugs are puppies.

Still, if mere disposal is your goal, then a small broom, a dust pan, and a shoebox seem to be your best bet(sans broom and dustpan if you aren’t squeemish about picking them up). Gather as many as you can, then toss them outside. Really though, tossing them out the window isn’t dangerous for them… insects have a very low terminal velocity, much lower than what is needed to kill them or even hurt them. If that still worries you though, grab the shoebox, pack em up, and go downstairs and let them out in a suitable spot.

[tds1273]

First you help me with the breaking news movies, now this post. Are you the east coast me?

I’ve never gotten to the point of tears over it, but I still know exactly how you feel. I didn’t always felt like that (paying any sort of regard to insects), but a bad dissociative experience a few years ago, made me a whole lot more sensitive and empathetic to such things. However, I’ve come to notice that the more I dwell on it the worse it gets.

I do find it helps when I do have to squash a bug(sometimes it’s unavoidable) to just say a few little words for it, just a “Sorry little guy, nothing personal” or something to that effect. As long as you’re quick about the deed and your sincere when saying it, it does seem to help the heart a little and makes the deed seem a little less cold.
*And if the bug happens to be named Agrajag, hopefully he’ll be a little more understanding should I ever run into him inside his neon-lit cathedral/mountain.

Or if you just can’t get to the squishing point at all and tossing them out the window is even that tough, maybe just sweep them into a dustpan, drop them into a jar and just dump it out in some bushes or planters outside your apartment.

It might also help to try and keep in mind that such is the nature of life; survival of the fittest and all that. An bear doesn’t feel guilty about keeping unwelcome guest out of it’s cave, nor do you(I imagine) feel bad because your immune system fights off any germs. It’s all just a matter of scale.

Funny thing is when I developed the increased empathy, it helped me get over one of my biggest phobias. I use to hate, nay, loathe spiders. If I saw one I’d not only squash it, if handy I’d grab a lighter and burn it; just to be sure ya know? Then things happen and I became like you and felt bad just at the first squish. Next time I found a spider in my room, instead of immediately turning it into mush I looked online and learned about it. Found out it was not any real threat, so I let him stick around. I figured he could do the dirty work for keeping any other pests away. House spiders hunt rather than just sit on a web and it was actually kind of neat to watch him make his rounds, it would always go to the same spots around the same time; like having a little living Roomba. I’ll still only allow(or try to at least) one spider in my room, any others I’ll just move them to far corner of the house since they don’t do well outside. What can I say I’ve grown kind of fond of the little guys. Of course should I ever come across a black widow or anything like that(no brown recluses up here), just for safety’s sake, it’s getting squished.

Like I said one I never use to feel any remorse for bugs, but I still always had a problem with hurting other animals. There is one memory that really sticks out for me. I was walking home from football practice, I was in 6th or 7th grade at the time, and came across a garter snake in the road that had its back half crushed by a car, but was still alive; stuck, but alive. I knew I had to do something(i.e. put it out of its misery), there were large rocks near by and I had cleats on too. Seems like it should have been an easy thing, a few seconds and the snake would be out of pain and I head home, end of story. However I squatted in that road with a rock in hand for at least fifteen minutes. Finally I put the rock back where I found it and walked away. However, I also left the snake where, and more significantly, exactly how I found it too. I couldn’t even do that, which would have been a favor for the poor thing. That was about 13-14 years ago and I still feel guilty for it. How’s that for neurotic?

On the otherhand I’m sort of hypocritical about the whole mess, I have and still do fish(not often but I don’t object to it). Doesn’t make much sense in light of the rest of my post, but I guess maybe the sport of it and that I really have no ‘luck’ with it helps. But of course I do feel bad for the fish, always have, it’s where I got the few words for the bug thing from. Also like you I could never hunt, but on the flip side could never be a vegetarian.

Sorry this post is probably a rambling, jumbled mess, couldn’t figure out exactly how or what I wanted to say. But yeah, while it might make you one of the ‘weird’ ones, at least you’re not the only one. Besides, at least you are on the ‘too caring’ end of the spectrum rather than whatever it would be on the opposite end.

*There is a chapter in Douglas Adam’s Life, The Universe, and Everything that, 50/50 you might really love or hate. FWIW, I thought it amusing.
ETA: Good night, I didn’t realize how TLDR-ish this ended up being! If you made it this far, consider your slate with the bugs clean, as they probably have had a few life cycles in the time it took to read it.

[choie]

Hey thanks all! I was busy doing some cleaning (no bug-killing or disposal yet, but I will do that later tonight).

@gwendee

Do you rent your apartment? Is pest control covered in your lease?

I am not a ruthless bug killing machine. I carry spiders outside. Carpet beetles however, if left unchecked will destroy things you own. Sweeping them outside would be irresponsible so they really have to go. Can you persuade yourself to think of them less as sympathetic creatures entitled to their place on earth and more as fiber eating pests who don’t pay rent and therefore have no right to be in your home?

You’re absolutely right about them being damaging; they’re not quite as bad as moths (I don’t think) as far as obvious visible holes, but I have seen some damage. To answer your question, I do rent and some nominal pest control is included, but that consists of spraying inside a hole in the wall once a year, presumably for roaches.

@SiXSwordS

First off, I’m relating things that work for me. I have some, er, irrational nueroses.

Hey, you’re talking to a girl who cries over carpet beetles; I can certainly appreciate irrational neuroses!

I understand what you’re saying now about taking note of the expectations and following up with the aftermath. Like you I am very big with misjudging / overestimating the discomfort that certain chores might cause. I’m constantly dreading things (e.g. being among strangers or even going to family ‘events’) and they’re almost never as bad as I think they’ll be. Sadly – and if I’m reading you correctly, you’re the same way – I never really hold on to my successes. Failures, whether real or merely perceived, stick to my memory like glue; victories slide right off like I’m made of Teflon. So I never build up confidence that I can handle stuff later on. Maybe if I wrote this stuff down I’d have written proof. Thanks for that, I really am gratified to know I’m not alone.

@tds1273

First you help me with the breaking news movies, now this post. Are you the east coast me?

LOL! Quite possibly. And I’m a Hitchhikers fan too. Of course I got the Agrajag joke right away! I will say if I ever kill a rabbit, I won’t put one of its bones in my hair.

That’s really interesting about the spider phobia having been calmed by your increased empathy. (Although I’m sorry that you had a bad experience that caused it.) It’s nice that you are able to respect the presence of your lil’ house spider.

Honestly I completely understand your behavior with the snake. I don’t think I’d have been able to do anything about it either. If I were old enough to know this I’d have called the ASPCA or some wildlife society or what have you, but at 13/14 I doubt I’d have been aware of what to do. I’m sorry you are still bothered by that memory. You tried your best and your heart wouldn’t let you kill another living creature; that’s not a bad trait at all. Like you say, it’s probably better to err on the side of being too caring. It just makes life kinda difficult sometimes.

@CutterJohn

Still, if mere disposal is your goal, then a small broom, a dust pan, and a shoebox seem to be your best bet(sans broom and dustpan if you aren’t squeemish about picking them up). Gather as many as you can, then toss them outside. Really though, tossing them out the window isn’t dangerous for them… insects have a very low terminal velocity, much lower than what is needed to kill them or even hurt them. If that still worries you though, grab the shoebox, pack em up, and go downstairs and let them out in a suitable spot.

Thank you, CutterJohn! Those are some good ideas! You do make me feel better about the window ‘solution’.

Many thanks to all. You guys have been very helpful.

[BetsQ]

Another non-bug-squasher here, with two exceptions. I swat mosquitoes with glee, and I’ll vacuum up ants that are inside my house. Anything else I’ll relocate to the great outdoors … or I’ll outsource the ‘job’ to my husband. (He doesn’t especially relish this role, but I’m certain it was in the marriage vows.) I think of ant-vacuuming and mosquito squashing as self-defense, although in all honesty I try really hard not to think about it at all.

[Jimmy_Chitwood]

Hey choie?

This isn’t even very weird. It’s obvious that you think it is weird, but it seems to me perfectly natural to be squeamish about this sort of thing. Certainly not something to be getting down on yourself about, and I detect a fair bit of down-getting-on-self. Not wanting to kill bugs: not so much of a problem. Hating yourself for having that feeling: kind of a problem.

I’m not a bug expert, but I’ll advocate for the exterminator as well. After all, the way these sorts of infestations work, the most humane thing to do in the end is keep it from persisting so that you don’t have to keep dealing with it generation after generation.

[nyam]

honestly bugs cant feel pain but I have sympathy for them and I try to save all life even if it hurts me. I have a rule don’t kill a creature no matter how big or small it is. I think of it like what if that where me which is a selfish thing to think about but it helps me cope with life I use my bad things about me to do good.

[Jim_B]

I didn’t read all the posts. So I don’t know if anyone’s suggested this yet. But on another message board, I suggested rubbing alcohol.

You simply put it in a spray bottle with a stream setting, and put it on stream.

Two squirts are usually required. Then the bugs usually die humanely, because even rubbing alcohol is a central nervous system depressant.

I’ve never tried it on beetles though. But it should work the same.

[Bill_Door]

I have a funnel weaver spider living between my window and the screen. Not one of those crazy dangerous Australian funnel webs, a mostly harmless funnel weaver. He (although I don’t know the actual gender I call him he) has been there for the duration of the pandemic, so a long time. I was concerned that there wouldn’t be any sustenance for him, but apparently sufficient gnats and midges sift their way through the screen to keep him going, in fact he has molted at least three times, so I guess he might be thriving.

I haven’t opened the window in six months because that would wreck his domicile but I’m starting to get concerned about the weather. It does drop into the twenties and even the teens sometimes in hard winter and I don’t know if he could survive that. I’m tempted to let him into the house and put him to work inside but my wife is resistant.

[panache45]

Look at it this way: If those bugs were, say, 100 feet tall, they wouldn’t think twice about stepping on you.