I'm not crazy...YOU'RE the one who's crazy!

The BBQ Pit
1

Recently I’ve made some dramatic changes in my life, not only in my living situation but in my personal and professional situation as well. I’ve conquered many of my inner demons (there’s still a few to deal with, but it’s a mop-up operation by now) and I’m connecting with new people left and right. My future looks brighter than at any time before (despite some bumps in the road), and I’m committed to a new achievable goal, even though I’m still taking it one day at a time at this point.

Naturally, this new re-awakening has caused me to act differently. And now I’m starting to understand that my previous shut-in, disconnected lifestyle has entirely to do with toxic family relationships. You see, I was saddled with the “crazy” label at a very young age, starting at age six when I was tested for autism, and continuing onward far into my adult life. It’s clear that my toxic family desired a scapegoat, and it’s really bothering them that the goat they cast out into the desert to be consumed by Azazel has not only escaped the desert, he has brought Azazel back with him…literarily. :wink:

So…have any of my friends and family aided me in my brand-new quickening? Yes, a few have done so, and I thank them. But for the most part, I’m getting questions from close family & friends like, “Are you sleeping regular hours?” and “Maybe you should get your medication re-evaluated,” and “You’re acting crazy again” – all based on their observation that I’ve become different. Well, guess what you morons…I’m not crazy anymore. I was never crazy. Sure, perhaps I have a history of acting & talking “crazy” in the past, since that’s how I was programmed – but I’ve busted the program, I’ve navigated the matrix of my own personal demons and re-connected directly with The System – that is, the world where emotionally healthy human beings exist and interact with each other. Now that I’ve got a handle on the rules, it’s not so hard, in fact it feels downright natural.

So, to all of those friends & family who keep suggesting I go back to my cave because they prefer me that way…fuck you. Fuck you, and goodbye. I’m following my own path, and frankly, it’s about bloody time – and if it wasn’t for you toxic, selfish people who desire a scapegoated “crazy person” to feel better about yourselves (in a Munchausen-by-proxy sense) I would have broken free a long, long time ago. Sure hope there’s enough time left to acquire my goals and fulfill my dreams. And I pity you all, you idiots who are left scrambling for another scapegoat upon whom to focus your toxic, negative energy. And maybe YOU should get some extra sleep!!! (There! How do ya like them apples?)

So to all friends & family who don’t want to sit at my table or invest in my future, all I’ve gotta say is: See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya! :cool: :smiley:

2

First, good for you for breaking free. I know how hard that can be, and doing it is a remarkable achievement.

Second, what you’re experiencing isn’t unusual. People love to categorize, it’s human nature, and one thing we categorize is other people. You have been assigned a role all your life, and people don’t like when you break out of that role. A smart, empathetic, aware person won’t care, and will be happy if you are happy, but they are in the minority.

I have had occasion to be around a lot of people who have lost a significant amount of weight or attempted to do so. Your story is very, very similar to a lot of theirs. It makes family and friends uncomfortable when that person not only tries to change not only their body, but their attitude about food. Changing the latter often means learning to be more assertive, to deal with issues rather than eat to soothe them, etc. For people who also overeat, the person’s attempt to be healthy is seen as either a criticism or party-pooping. For people who have food/body issues in the other direction, they are seen as competition. For significant others, losing weight causes insecurity: “She’s going to get skinny and leave me.” A person trying to lose weight is often beset by people on all sides trying to tempt them to return to old habits: “C’mon, just one won’t hurt.” “You’re no fun any more, all you eat is rabbit food.” “You’ve taken this too far, you’re going to get too skinny.” And on and on and on. A lot of people lose entire social circles and become estranged from family when they insist on living a healthy lifestyle. Crazy, but true.

So, know that you are not alone. No matter what issue a person may have, making positive change isn’t always seen as positive; all that can be seen is the change part, and that means that this person no longer fulfills the spot in the universe they used to. And that, my friend, just doesn’t go over well with a lot of folks, whether they realize it or not.

3

All I wanted was a Pepsi.

4

Hi-five!

5

And she wouldn’t give it to me! JUST a Pepsi!

That was the first thing I thought of when I saw the thread title too.

6

Institutionalized!!!

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People try really hard to put other people into pigeon-holes and keep them there. When we try to be something different than they want us to be, we are often met with opposition. Sometimes that opposition can go straight into anger, hatred and contempt.

How dare you be something (I say that) you are not! How dare you not fill the role I’m assigning you! Shut up and get back in your box!

Fly!

8

Decided I didn’t really want to go there.

9

But of course, the real trick is that you really ARE crazy.

As is everyone else.

10

I am not a doctor. I am not your doctor. That said, KGS, I’m glad you’re feeling better, but what you’ve written sounds almost exactly like a schizophrenic who has decided that they don’t need their medicine anymore. “I’m cured! I’m fine! It’s all their fault, not mine.”

I understand you feel joy in your new situation… but I wouldn’t be so sure you’re not crazy anymore.

If I were you, I would get your medication re-evaluated. If only because your new situation may mean that it’s appropriate, and maybe that what was good for you may not be.

11

<backs away slowly>

12

Damn straight! In fact, before creating this Pit Thread, I’d just hung up with a dear friend (and ex-Doper) who’s suddenly, seemingly transformed into some hyper-protective, over-judgmental bitch from hell. She kept saying that I was only “assuming” that these changes were happening, and she kept trying to plant worry in my mind, and worst of all she kept asking how much sleep I was getting…I’ve been sleeping regular hours for weeks!! And still they keep bugging me, still they keep bugging me!!

And what really grates my craw is how I told her about my brother’s current problem with identity theft – except, at first, he was acting so bonkers that I believed it was all in his head. HE was acting crazy, and apparently he’d told nobody about it but me. But still, she believed him over me. And now that the plot thickens (seriously, it’s looking really bad, can’t say more) she starts pandering to me saying, “He was right all along, wasn’t he?” Except there’s no proof yet than these crimes are really happening or who is doing them…ah well, I’ve said too much already. Grrrzzzwwwrrr…

Okay, umm…is this a big whoosh, or are you proof in the pudding? :confused: And FTR, the only “meds” I take these days are of the Prop. 215 variety, and yeah, I’m thinking indica’s not working for me anymore, gonna swap it with a sativa strain…

13

And yet you clearly know so much about mental illness. Get this man an honorary degree, stat!

14

KGS, the thing is, people don’t suddenly flip from crazy to sane, or from dear-friend to bitch-from-hell. You need to consider the possibility that your perception is what has changed. And given that you’ve had psychiatric issues in the past, it is not unreasonable to think it might have something to do with that. When everyone is concerned about your mental health (I mean in real life, not on here), it’s time to think about the possibility that they’re right. The world is so very very rarely so black and white, me against them, I’m right and everyone else is wrong, the way you depict in your posts in this thread. If nothing else, checking in with a doctor will at least allow you to vindicate yourself, right? What do you have to lose?

15

freido, I don’t know much about mental illness. I do know a bit about behavior patterns in people, and I deal with people with problems a lot. I work in drug treatment. And one of the patterns I see is when someone decides that, because of some change in life, they’re suddenly cured, and they don’t need help. Then they throw away their medication without consulting with a doctor, appear to be fine for a week or so, then… crash. I am not saying KGS is schizophrenic, I was trying to find an example that would be understandable to people in general that would show the sort of behavior I’m talking about.

KGS, you’re not going to deny that you’ve flown around on the edge of things for a bit, are you? I’m not going to try to crush your good time, I’m just feeling obligated, as a fellow human, to try to go, ‘Yeah, okay, but keep your eye on the horizon.’, you know? If you’re not under a doctor’s care, then you’re not. From your previous postings, I thought you might have been.

Maybe I’m being over cautious, here, but I figure someone should be.

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I’m not either. Nice to meet you.

Would you like to see my shrunken heads collection? It’s really kewl and I made them all by myself. From [del]humans[/del] scratch.

17

Fair enough, but they are all being sticks in the mud about it – it’s like they’re assuming that I’m crying wolf yet again, just like last year when I was 5150’d on what turned out to be a critical medical condition, NOT a psychological one. I’m willing to grant them a bit of leeway on doubting whether my “sudden” recovery (which has been building for months, if not years, it’s really not so “sudden” after all) but since they grant me no leeway AT ALL and won’t even consider giving me the benefit of the doubt when I claim I’m suddenly “cured” – why should I bother to protect their precious sensibilities? Quid pro quo, or no deal – that’s my attitude.

That’s just it, though…they were never right. This “crazy” label I’ve been saddled with was an artificial crutch to begin with. The real crazies in my family are running around free, hoarding newspapers and withholding Christmas checks and doing what the fuck ever they please, while I’ve been working hard at improving myself and getting ZERO credit, at least from them. Like I’ve said before – when you force someone into therapy, you run the risk of them actually getting better. And when that happens, guess what, another goat needs to be sacrificed to Azazel. Not sure who it’s gonna be yet, though…

Oh, I deny nothing! Without a doubt, this has been so far the craziest fucking month of my life – it’s like so many things came together at once, including reunions with old friends and making new contacts in the writing “biz” (plus other situations that I’m not going to discuss here) and the sudden attention (both positive and negative) has peaked my energy to the point where I was downright manic for a few days. I’m grounded now, though, and reality is suddenly different – but I recognize this reality, as I’ve been here before if only but briefly. I’m permanently plugged into The System now…they can’t tear me away, despite all that toxic energy being focused towards this escaped mental patient they call son/brother/nephew/friend. At least, I hope that’s not the case…would be a shame if I got sucked back into their negative energy prison again. (That’s why it had to be a FAST escape, because “they” are always watching, lurking, making sure I stay right where “they” want me and remain the crippled, broken man “they” wish me to be…) Oh, and I didn’t even mention the brutal cyberattack on my computer this week. Quite scary. (And even that is something my friends & family believe was all in my head!!!)

18

You know, I went to the store the other day, looked and looked. I could not find a box of ‘scratch’. :confused:

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I’m sorry, KGS, but I’m with E-Sabbath. You’ve behaved very bizarrely here on the Dope a number of times, and right now I think you sound completely manic. No, I don’t have a medical degree of any kind, and, no, I’m not trying to diagnose you. I’m just saying that right now, you are saying things that sound suspiciously like things you have said in the past when you were clearly having manic periods. Things that sound like you sounded when you hadn’t slept for a week straight and ended up hallucinating in the E.R.

I’m going to encourage you to see a doctor, too. I’ve had some experience with people in manic phases, and one of the symptoms is feeling perfectly great and like they were thinking abnormally clearly and always right. If all of your friends are saying you’re acting oddly and asking about how much sleep you’ve had, I think you should consider that you might, in fact, be acting oddly, and your good feeling is not a good sign.

I have absolutely no vested interest in whether or not you have changed or will change. I don’t care if you’re crazy or not. As a disinterested voice, I can say that I think you should at least consult with a doctor.

20

And may I add a congratulatory note on making a pit thread about how awesome not being crazy is! There’s nothing more great than reading a post about how you’ve overcome despite the difficulty of those who think you’re a mental case!

Yes, fuck them all! Hugs incoming!