Ask any parent - especially one with kids older than the first few high-maintenance years - whether they’re glad they had kids, and the answer is almost always a resounding yes.
I’d like to ask a slightly different question:
Why did you want kids?
If you’re a parent or are about to be one, how did you arrive at the decision to have kids? Was it a rational decision that drove you to go ahead with it despite a whole bunch of apprehension, or an emotional longing that overruled any rational argument against having kids, or somewhere in between?
Probably the main one was just that a family larger than just the 2 of us was my wife’s and my idea of how we wanted to live. From changing diapers to having grandkids, you just have a whole different range of experiences and opportunities than if you remain childless.
I guess I believed that family made possible tighter, longer bonds than most friendships, so I desired to try to create such relationships. To some extent, in having and raising kids you are creating your best friends.
Also, I guess my wife and I have a pretty high opinion of ourselves, and a pretty low opinion of so many other people that we thought we could do a pretty good job of raising some pretty decent people.
Actually, we both felt that the positive aspects to a close, loving family was something that we wanted to perpetuate. My wife and I both come from families like that and I see how much pleasure our parents take in seeing their kids, and grandchildren, enjoying each other. So part of the reason was we wanted to share our lives with people who we were able to teach, guide, and love, and part of it was so we’d have someone to change our colostomy bags when we’re old and feeble.
My new husband wanted kids. I was indetermined, but, on the other hand I suspected that my doubts mostly came from my own parents, who weren’t very enthusiastic at parenting.
What sealed the deal was that I am several years older then my partner, so when we had been together for two years and were certain of our relationship, I was 38, and it was no longer an option to postpone trying to have a baby. So I sort of closed my eyes and jumped in the water.
I wanted kids because my family was a happy one. We thought of ourselves as the local version of The Nelsons, Ozzie & Harriet, David and Ricky.
And family I raised was like that too for 24 years. Then my ex left us. But we are still a nuclear family without her.
I had my daughter because I felt it was my duty to have a kid.
I never particularly liked kids, ( but loved them. Loved to see them happy and loved helping them, teaching them…never enjoyed kids’ company though. Hard to explain).
I was always a free spirit, and didn’t want to be ‘locked down’ with kids. I felt I owed it to my ancestors or family or Husband or Mom, or, overall, I felt I needed to make myself ‘live on’.
I was 24 and truly felt this way. I knew I would be a terrific, attentive mom, but I felt motherhood was my duty.
My daughter is the joint! I got so lucky having a kid like her. She is nothing like the kids I don’t like! I’m not just saying that because she’s my kid. I mean, she shares none of the specific character traits of the kids I don’t like.
Option A: No Kids. Extra money, ability to travel, possible early retirement, lots of freedom, easier career advancement, more time together.
Option B: Kids. Lots of hard work. Sleep deprivation (for a few years, anyway). Tight budget. Loss of freedom. And family holidays, pictures on the fridge, kisses and cuddles, laughter, heartbreak, pride in their achievements, grandkids, family meals, ball games, Christmas morning madness…all the stuff that goes with having a family.
Option B just seemed better to us, for us. Maybe because, like others, we were raised in happy families. But Option A was definitely tempting, and I can see why people choose it. It just wasn’t for us.
Plus, I have never and probably will never be a career-oriented person. I’ve had and will have jobs in my life, but so far the first passion I’ve found is taking care of my daughter, so it’s not like it was a sacrifice for me to become a SAHM.
I must say this sounds very much like our thoughts on the matter.
Plus, as a dad - I remember the sense of excitement and discovery when my own dad taught me stuff, helped me to build things, when we went on adventures together. I wanted to do all that with my kid, to pass it along as it were. My dad once showed me a secret camping spot that his dad found. I’d want to show my kid that spot someday.
So far, having a kid has been both an incredible chore and all I’ve dreamed of, at the same time.
I’m skeptical. Nothing I’ve seen or heard from actual people in real life or on (anonymous) internet sites indicates that the numbers of people actually regretting having kids is anything close to 70%. In fact, quite the reverse - the overwhelming majority of people with kids do not regret having them.
Is there anything more scientific than an account of a gossip columnist’s letterbox from the 1970s to support the notion?
Please note this was not a “survey” of any sort, but rather Ann going through her mail-bag after publishing the question. In short, it was self-chosen responses.
Obviously, people who feel strongly that their kids have been disasters are more likely to write in to Ann Landers than those who do not. I rather suspect a “survey”, as in asking a random 1,000 people, would produce rather different results.
Also notice the timeing - the '70s. Ann was inclined to base the results on parents unhappy with their hippie misbehaving kids and the general malaise of '70s America.
I would LOVE to see a real survey taken. Actually, about 5 years ago would have been better? I think the way things are today there would again be a chorus of “Hell, No”.
It would not surprise me at all if being a parent is more likely to lead to depression. After all, parenting is difficult and stressful, and you can’t stop doing it.
What is missing from this equation is whether, overall, parents find some subjective value in parenting that outweighs the difficulty and stress.
There are many activities that people find valuable which are stressful: for example, professionals often experience high stress (and high levels of depression), yet value their occupations nonetheless.
I readily admit that if one’s goal in life is to avoid stress and depression, one would do well to avoid doing anything stressful and demanding.
I simply find it odd this notion that parents overall suffer from regret. Doesn’t square with my experiences or what I’ve heard from others.
Most parents will readily admit that parenting is either the most difficult thing they have done, or one of them; and that their kids occasionally (or constantly) drive them crazy. Most will add “… and it was well worth it”.
Seems to me the issue is whether the latter statement is sincere or simply socially mandated.
