For the past year or so, my wife and I have been talking about whether or not we want to have kids. (Seriously talking, that is, not just idly speculating.) She thinks she probably wants them, I think I probably don’t.
I’m not asking for advice – we’ll figure it out, and we’ll be fine.
But I want to hear stories from people who didn’t want kids but had them anyway, for whatever reason. Is it the best thing you ever did? Do you regret the decision? Is it a wash? Did your stony childfree heart melt, or did your worst fears about loss of independence and money and whatever else come true? Are the smiles and the sharing of wisdom and the refrigerator art worth dealing with yam-sized poo and adolescent rebellion?
I’ve heard plenty from people who always wanted kids and loved having them, but not so much from people who had grave doubts ahead of time. Those are the stories I want to hear.
Well, I’m sort of in the position you describe. I was considered pretty freakish by some of my friends when I was younger, because I had no interest in children at all, and was simultaneously bored by and uncomfortable around babies. Being a mommy was not part of my daydreams about the future at all.
When I got married, we both figured that we would eventually get around to having a family, but were in no kind of a hurry. Finally, at 35, after almost 15 years of marriage, we figured if we were going to do it, we’d better get busy.
Yes, my worst fears of loss of independence and money came true. Yes, it is the best thing I ever did. The depth of feeling I have for them is indescribable.
I’m not supermom, by any means. I never even considered the possibility of giving up my job to stay home full time, and I don’t think my kids are any the worse for it. But I do think it has made me, a better, more open, more rounded person than I would have been without them. Me, personally–I don’t mean to imply that noone can be happy and fulfilled without kids.
Just be aware that almost nobody is going to admit to regretting having children, whether or not they really regret it. But I’m sure you already know that.
I dunno, I’ve met several people who’ve told me they either regreted having children. My aunt, for example, dearly loves her sons, but she confessed to me that could she do it all over again, she would’ve never married or had children. A cousin of mine was crushed when his father told him “My life was ruined when you were born” and the old man was deadly serious.
There are lots of people who should’ve done themselves and their offspring a favor by just having never bred.
My great-grandmother finally admitted, sometime during the last few years of her life (she died just before last Thanksgiving and was 102), that she’d never wanted children, and was very unhappy when she became pregnant with my grandfather. He was an only child, which was downright unheard of at the time – I’d always assumed there was a medical problem, but apparently not.
Good for her, I say. She was the stubbornest person I’ve ever known, so this does not surprise me.
I can’t tell you from my own experience, because I’ve never known a time when I didn’t want children, but my niece was quite vocal about not wanting any. She even told me that one of the things she liked about her then boyfriend, now husband was that he didn’t want kids either.
They now have a little boy who will be two in August and they both dote on that child. In fact, she informed us at Christmas that they liked him so much they were going to do it again. This one is due in the summer, I don’t remember exactly when.
My youngest sister was quite vocal about not wanting children. She and her husband were quite involved in sports, travelling, going out with friends. Then her gyn told her that because of a malformation in her uterus, she was unlikely to have children anyway. They then stopped taking precautions.
She has 3 little ones now, and they are debating about whether they are going for a fourth. They simply adore their children, even though their presence has meant a major life change.
A lot of guys I’ve known weren’t too sure, but if they keep involved in the whole process of caring for the child, they usually come around. It is a hard decision to make, I know.
As for myself, I had only one son. I wanted him, but my husband had misgivings, definitely didn’t want more than one, to my chagrin, even though he became very attached to his son.
While I had always wanted kids, my husband hinted when we were first married, that he did not.
We have three and they are the joy of my life. My husband, although he loves them very much and will do anything for them, likes to bring up this very subject when he has been drinking, which, lately, is fairly often.
If you do decide to have them, make sure you are absolutely certain, with no reservations. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard from my drunk SO that I “tricked” him by getting pregnant. Make sure also that you are willing to share your SO with the kids (something the SO doesn’t quite understand), that your time will not be your own (another thing the SO doesn’t quite understand) and you will have almost no privacy for the next 18 or so years.
Having children is hard, painful - both physically and emotionally, expensive and a real pain in the ass sometimes, but, I love being a mom. I would not change a thing.
Well, of course your worst fears about loss of independence, privacy, and money are going to come true. The question is whether or not you’ll think it’s a fair trade. Some people will, some people won’t. Even the people who don’t think it’s worth it generally love their kids to death, though.
The question you have to ask yourself is this: Am I going to resent the sacrifices parents have to make? Will I listen to my childfree friends talk about their lives, will I think it’s great that they get to do something, or will I be wishing that it could be me living that life? Am I going to become one of the “Gee, it must be nice” parents who talks about how nice it must be to travel, or buy something expensive, or blithely have sex on the kitchen floor, or go to the bathroom without an audience?
If you think there’s a remotely reasonable chance that you’re going to regret or resent the sacrifices you’ll have to make, or the time and energy involved, you need to hold off on the kids a while. It’s far better to be a regretful non-parent than a resentful parent. The latter situation isn’t fair to yourself or to the kid.
I never thought much about having children one way or the other before becoming pregnant the first time. I had never had much to do with kids and wasn’t particularly interested in them at all. We have a history in our family of not having children and both my kids were surprises. My first, a daughter was an absolute delight and she was very much wanted and loved by both my husband and myself even though he had not been terribly interested in having children either. Unfortunately my daughter and I were on our own by the time she was 7.
My second child came along much later, to a different father, different relationship. When I became pregnant he felt trapped and resentful. It was a terrible struggle raising this child on my own with no financial or emotional support at the same time trying to cope with a chronic illness. I certainly don’t regret having my son, I love him with all my heart and we have a very special bond but dealing with his father all these years has cost me dearly physically and emotionally.
I second what Lyllyan said, make absolutely sure you both want children before deciding to go ahead. Children can put a terrible strain on a relationship more so than bringing the parents together. I know many people who have chosen not to have kids and they are very happy with their decision and their lives.
I just want to add that even though I could not be the supermum I would have liked to have been for my kids, neither of them have given me any cause for concern, they are both intelligent, independent, dedicated, decent human beings with a ready smile and quick wit. We have a wonderful relationship, I adore them both and am so very proud of them.
Agreed. If you have any doubts at all, don’t do it.
I’m a parent who does regret having a child. I love my daughter, she’s a wonderful little person and I’m proud of having helped her join this world. But having her did ruin my life, unequivocally, and my life will be worse for years to come because I have a child.
I was 22 when she was born. I had to leave my PhD, later relationships have been impossible to maintain largely because of problems my daughter has, I’ve been forced into dependancy on a family that I dislike, and I’ve only recently managed to get back to work - though still not in the field I trained for, because that doesn’t fit in with childcare. My life is about as far from my expectations as it could possibly be; it’s closer to my nightmares than my dreams.
But that’s my personal situation and it doesn’t apply to everyone. If I lived in some fantasy world where I could have held her in my uterus and waited 20 years to give birth to her, that would have been ideal (plus, no periods, yay!)
Still, you can never underestimate how much having a child will change your life. You may think you have a good idea of how different your life will be, but you will still underestimate. It is both more terrible and more wonderful than you would ever predict.
I found myself unexpectedly pregnant at 21, and now have a great 10-year-old boy. I’m also pregnant now. Life throws you curveballs no matter what you do to prevent it.
I’m a great mom, and I love my son. I’ll love this baby as well. Neither were planned, but they will be (and are) loved and treated as though they were my heart’s desire.
I never, ever wanted children, but it’s funny how life works.
I have thoughts like these all the time.
I also never wanted any children and actively disliked them. (Still do, if they’re other people’s) But I did wind up having them (long story) and it’s not the tragedy I always thought it would be. If I had not had children, I’d probably still be a child in many ways myself. They forced me to make a lot of changes in my life that had to be made. Unlike SciFiSam, I was pretty much a waste of space.
And, now that the kids are old enough to be actual little people, I quite enjoy their company. It doesn’t hurt that they think I’m the smartest, funniest, craziest woman on earth either.
I understand completely. I didn’t really want a child, but I got pregnant and was pressured to keep her. Of course I’m glad I have her now, but it’s been so hard, and not always worth it.
You assume that you’re going to have a healthy, normal child, but when it doesn’t turn out that way, parenting can take an ugly turn. Instead of reaping the benefits that everyone else has, you are forced to care for a little person who may never be able to take care of herself.
I spent my daughter’s third year pretty much homebound. Her behavior was such that she got kicked out of preschool, and acted so wild that I couldn’t even go to the grocery. She would wake up at 1 a.m. and stay up for two hours screaming. This happened every night. No way did I ever imagine parenting to be like that.
I’ve had to depend on my parents for so much and I hate it. But, there is no other way.
Things are better now, she’s eight. But I’ll tell you, it’s been a long and painful road and I have no way of knowing what the future will bring. It scares me, and yes, there are times when I wish I didn’t have to deal with this, when I think having a child was the worst decision I ever made. But then I look at her and somehow it’s ok. We have always gotten through, and I just assume we’ll always find a way.
My experience is sort of the opposite of what the OP asks. I always thought I wanted kids and my son was certainly no mistake - I took medication to conceive him, actually. We tried even harder to have a second child when, suddenly, I decided I did NOT want another child (they were shocked at the fertility clinic when I expressed relief at the latest negative pregnancy test and refusal to book the next round of treatment). I love my son with all my heart, but I don’t love being a parent. My husband is the de facto mommy in our house. It’s not so much a loss of freedom as a distaste for childrearing related activity.
My point is: you never know how it’s going to turn out.
I should mention that, aside from being a little clingy sometimes, there are no issues with my son that caused me to dislike parenting. I just don’t like it.
I would submit that if the OP is married, he has already given up some independence, and having children will simply move him further along a path he has chosen once before.
Otherwise, i can’t contribute much to this thread. I’ve always firgured on having children one day, although no time soon.
Mr. Toes and I are going through the same thing as the OP. I have never expressed an interest in having children and he always assumed that he would. I’m starting to understand his way of thinking at the same time that he is understanding mine. So we are really confused. If I got pregnant right this second, I would be crushed. But I don’t know what I would do.
Can I just ask: isn’t this a topic you should discuss before you actually get married? Isn’t that one of the ways to know if you are compatible or not? Or are **jeevmon ** and I just weird that way? It was like a third date topic for us.