Didn't want kids and had them anyway? What happened?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Didn’t really want 'em. The wife unit did so I obliged. I don’t resent them. I do love them. Love the wife too. But I have a very selfish nature and have forced myself to either grow out of it or set it aside and do what is right by the kids. Doing so has caused me to live a life that I do not particularly like, but I don’t let myself think about it. That description sounds like drudgery, but it’s really not. I believe few people get everything they want out of life, and that those who do miss out on the pleasant things they failed ever to want in the first place. No I never wanted kids because I had other things I wanted to do, but hey, they’re not that bad–kinda like when you found out broccli is actually pretty good when a decent Chinese place puts a yummy garlic sauce on it. It’s the old saying, “Happiness does not come from getting what you like, it comes from liking what you get.”

I wasn’t going to respond to this thread, but I accidentally had Alanis Morisette in the car stereo this morning:

I’ll live through you, I’ll make you what I never was!
If you’re the best then maybe so am I compared to him, compared to her.
I’m doing this for your own damn good. You’ll make up for what I’ve blown.
What’s the promlem? Why are you crying?

I could be a lot worse parent than I am.

22

Thanks for all the replies. This thread has been very interesting so far, although in some ways it’s not at all enlightening – only because many of the fears and the happinesses I anticipate have come true for other people. Like I said, though, I’m not looking for advice (though it’s appreciated), but anecdotes.

Some replies:

Any idea what changed their minds?

This is good advice, but honestly, that’s never going to happen. I’m a second-guesser by nature, and I always make reservations. I’m still not sure I should’ve posted this thread. If I don’t decide to have any kids, part of me will always wonder if that was the right thing to do. That said, I’ll be as certain as I can be before choosing to go for kids.

Wow. This is certainly worse than any downside I anticipate. I’m in my mid-thirties and on a career path that should last for a while, and we’re not in any obvious danger of having to go live with relatives or otherwise make sacrifices on your level. But you express something I’m (99.99%) sure of: I’ll love the kid(s). But I don’t know if that love will be worth the sacrifice, as people like CrazyCatLady have said.

Good question. Yes. And we did discuss it. But people change their minds. Or, in my case, people think 7 years ago that maybe having kids would be okay, and then realize a few years later that maybe it really wouldn’t be okay at all. For that matter, my wife goes back and forth from pretty much the other end of the spectrum: she probably wants kids, but has lots of moments – days, weeks, months – where she’s pretty happy not to have them.

This is my nightmare scenario. Dreams do come true, apparently, just not always the good ones…

It’s heartening to hear from parents who weren’t sure and who really love their kids, even if they’re not convinced that it was the ideal choice. The thing is, whichever choice you make, you’re sacrificing something. It’s hard to figure out which thing you sacrifice really means more to you, though. (At least, it is for me.)

23

Well that could be taken one of two ways!
Seriously though, having children has a very deep impact on parent’s lives. It can be a very powerful, beautiful and taxing experience. Before marrying, we often discussed the impact and affect having children would have on us. Keeping societal, peer, and other family members pressures out of the discussion is vital. Do they still teach High School biology students that a “succesful organism” is defined as one that that procreates and produces offspring?

Probably Something Every Couple Should Discuss: What if Somehting Goes “Wrong”?
I was very frank and upfront about the fact that if we were ever to have a child that was handicapped (or in some other way deformed), I didn’t think I’d be able to love that child in the way a parent was supposed to. As cold and heartless as that sounded, I was admitting a flaw in my make-up; a weakness in my character. Though my other half appreciated my honesty, it also taught her something about me she probably didn’t like. We were very lucky in the fact we had 2 healthy girls, and I honsetly don’t know if my feelings toward them would be different had that not been the case. I guess no one really knows what their reaction will be unless they experience it first hand.

Something Every Couple With Children Should Remember:
Though there are some mothers who would disagree, the most vital relationship in a family with children is still that between the father and the mother. You must work at spending quality time together, alone (sans children). A good rule of thumb for any couple with kids;

Spend:
1 Day per Week,
1 Weekend per Month, and
1 Week per Year

Without the children. It’s the best way to renew the bond between you exciting and vibrant.

24

My now-husband and I worked out during dating that I probably didn’t want kids, he probably wanted one, and that we would both remain open to shifting our opinions. Now over a dozen years later, neither of us really wants a kid. We see our nephew and nieces, and help take care of one niece sometimes, but just don’t feel the need. Plus, we know we’re way too selfish with our own “me” time, and feel we wouldn’t be the best parents.

Oh, and to JohnBckWLD - biological “success” is mostly just ensuring that your genetics get passed down to future generations, so aiding in the raising of the children of close relatives (like of your siblings) fits the bill too. :slight_smile:

25

I always wanted children. I was told I couldn’t have any though so my husband and I had a different sort of talk before we married.

He felt he wouldn’t be a good father because his own father had been rather aloof when he was growing up and he had no experience whatsoever with children.

Then I got pregnant. She changed our lives in so many ways and while there are days when I think we’re in over our heads - that feeling passes quickly. Neither of us can imagine life without them. (yes them - we had another in October)

We had to make a lot of changes to our lives but I don’t regret them or resent the changes. We adapt. I make sure I have “me” time and that we have “couple” time and so far so good. I’ll update this when they turn into teenagers and the hormones hit! :wink:

26

I never planned on having a child. Just not something I cared to ever do. LilMiss is a result of multiple forms of birth control failing.
After she was born, I resented her/my life/her dad immensely. I hated losing my identity. I hated the fact that her dad didn’t. I wasn’t a fan of responsibility. I hated that my life was altered. I hated that I was pretty much tethered to her.

I love her dearly now. Wouldn’t trade her for the world. I do think I’m a good mom (you’d have to ask her), but I’ll be honest when I say I will NOT have any more. Now that she is getting older, I’m slowly finding my identity again- separate from being her mom.

27

It wasn’t a third-date topic for us, but it was definitely one of the first items on the “to do” list when deciding whether to take things further. I can’t imagine any couple getting married without synchronocity on the kid question.

28

I had absolutely no plans to ever have kids. The sound that a newborn makes when it cries is like fingernails on a blackboard to me. Diapers? Go to hell. Don’t bother me with that “Coo coo, goo goo” shit. If I wake up at 3:00 am and want to go on whiskey bender down the coast it should be my perrogative.
Of course, I was pregnant after just 6 weeks of marriage. Stood in the kitchen throwing things and screaming when I found out. Kicked alot of walls and cried for about a month.
I was OK when the baby came. Maybe a little resentful about my body image and my lack of time. I was also very regretful that my husband and I never had much time to build a husband and wife relationship out of our dating relationship. We went straight into being parents. But things worked out.
The thing that changed (I’m guessing) is that I finally realized that being Rez, Jr.'s mom was * who I was and that I could be other things as well, but if I fought it then the only thing I would do would be to drive myself crazy over what could have been and hurt Jr. in the process.
Got divorced and seeing someone new now. We had the talk about not having kids - we definitely decided we were both done with that. He’s had a vasectomy and we are foot-loose and fancy free on the weekends that Jr. is with his dad.
Of course, I’m pregnant again.
I feel like the poster child for tempting fate. Whever I state loudly and clearly that I don’t want kids (or anymore kids) I become the fertile crescent. :rolleyes:
Whew!
He’s having surgery to correct the regrowth problem with the vasectomy and I’m having my tubes tide as an extra measure of protection (I’ve been pregnant 5 times, so I’m not kidding about the fertile crescent remark).
I guess next time it’ll be twins.

*I should be clear. I only have one child due to miscarriages and an abortion in HS

29

CCL’s line:

is the most profound aphorism I’ve read in a long time.

I speak from experience: my late mother was constantly reminding my two brothers and me that having kids had ruined her life, and that she could have accomplished so much more in life if it weren’t for us. I loved her, but I consider it truly evil to say this to a kid, even if it’s true.

30

I’m the child of a parent who has made it more than obvious [via actions rather than saying so] that I was neither planned nor wanted. I ruined my mother’s life by being born and she’s made sure every day of the last 39 years that she’s punished me in some manner or other …
I personally don’t want children, I think I’d be a dreadful mother.
I was in a relationship with a fella who started talking about marriage, then asked the $64,000 question “how many children do you want to have?” I said none, besides I’ve been told I’m infertile. He wasn’t too pleased, did some investigating of my “infertility” and came to the conclusion I can use IVF. I explained I didn’t really want children - and he dumped me. I’ve had two or three fellas dump me because of my reluctance to have children. Next time someone asks I’ll say “alright but you are taking sole care of the child when it’s born”. I probably won’t see the fecker for dust.

31

Sorry to hear, Lobelia – that sure sucks.

FWIW, I was well into my 30s before I could forgive the bad things my mother did, while still feeling grateful for the good things I got from her. I felt a lot better once I was able to do this.

32

You know, I can really appreciate your position, and I agree that having kids is a big decision that needs a lot of thought and a good deal of certainty. But I’m not sure that anyone is ever 100% certain they want to be parents.

I always wanted children, and spent a year or so obsessing about getting pregnant when things didn’t go well at first, but there was always that voice in the back of my head going “Are you sure you want to get into this? No, wait, are you sure?” IME, it’s nearly universal to feel that way–even when you’re the type who wants at least five (yes, some of my friends do want that many, or more!). Becoming a parent is like getting onto a permanent rollercoaster, one that you can’t see and that is run by a madman who may possibly enjoy taking out sections of track. You’d have to be nuts not to have any reservations.

Sorry, please continue. This is great. :slight_smile:

33

FWIW, I don’t let my daughter know the problems she’s caused me. Quite the opposite, in fact. If the issue of her being an ‘accident’ ever comes up (it hasn’t yet, she’s only 5), I’ll tell her she wasn’t an accident, but a windfall, an unexpected bonus.

Anyway, I don’t know if you’ve seen this before, but it is an amusing take on this topic:

Follow these 15 simple tests before you decide to have children.

Test 1

To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans.

Go to local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3

To discover how the nights will feel . . .

  1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

  2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

  3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am

  4. Set the alarm for 3am.

  5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

  6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

  7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off

  8. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.

  9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off

  10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Test 4

Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems.

  1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

  2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Test 5

Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don’t think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family Cars don’t look like that.

  1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

  2. Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.

  3. Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back seat.

  4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. . perfect!

Test 6

Get ready to go out.

  1. Wait

  2. Go out the front door.

  3. Come in again.

  4. Go out.

  5. Come back in.

  6. Go out again.

  7. Walk down the front path/driveway.

  8. Walk back up it.

  9. Walk down it again.

  10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

  11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.

  12. Retrace your steps.

  13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.

  14. Give up and go back into the house.

  15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8

Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9

Hollow out a melon.

  1. Make a small hole in the side.

  2. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side

  3. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane.

  4. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

  5. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.

Test 10

Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.

Test 11

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?

Test 12

Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting “Mummy” repeatedly.

Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy " -occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the “Mummy” Tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14

Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:

  1. Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.

  2. Stir.

  3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.

  4. Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.

  5. Do NOT change. You have no time.

  6. Go directly to work.

Test 15

Go for a drive, but first…

  1. Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.

  2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.

  3. Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.

  4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat.

  5. For the really adventurous… Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.

You are now ready to have kids.

34

When I was very young I wanted lots of kids, actually I wanted one of each nationality, hispanic, chinese, black, white, polynesian, everything I could think of, kinda like a United Nations family. Of course I had no idea how this would be accomplished. :rolleyes:

By the time I was an adult though, I didn’t want any babies. I don’t really like them that much. They shit and scream and require CONSTANT attention.

When I got married though, my husband liked children so much and wanted one so much, we tried. We tried for 12 years. I knew that basically he would be the major caretaker of them and that was fine with me. We even went to fertility clinics and they couldn’t find anything wrong, at least not with me, he was diabetic. He had a genetic timebomb going that had killed 3 of his 6 siblings before they were 35.

He died too, when he was 35. We never had kids, and now I’m 40 and probably too old to have them.

I don’t regret not having them though. As much as I would like to have a reminder of him, a part of him after he’s gone, I don’t think I could have handled it alone.

I guess thats my point. If you really want kids, make sure before you have them that you’re ready to deal with all contingencies, including the fact that the person your having them with, may not be there once you do.

35

I guess it could, but considering that she WAS pregnant WITH my grandfather, I hadn’t read it that way. :slight_smile:

Even if she was still alive, I couldn’t ask her how she managed not to have more, but I’ll wonder about that one forever.

36

I never wanted kids. I married someone who had a shocking childhood and really wanted kids. That sounds like a stupid thing to do and in retrospect it was. I got pregnant to him before we married. We were in Britain, where he was from. He desperatly wanted the baby yet I had an abortion against his will.

Several years later he wants a baby more then ever (and he had the guilt over my abortion for ammunition). We are married now and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I wanted him to be happy. So we planned our baby, made our baby and had our baby.

He killed himself not much more then a year later.

I still have my baby (though hes 12 now) I love him to death. He’s a really great kid, but given my time back I wouldn’t have had him. When hubby topped himself I would have hooked on my backpack and gone roaming (all I really wanted to do anyway). I wanted to not face actual life and just bloody escape truth be told.

I don’t resent him though. I love him. He’s an awesome chap. We were joking the other day about dinner (I’m a horrible cook and my mother is very good) I said JOKING!!! maybe you should go live at grandmas where dinner is better. He said no mum I love the way you cook ( I had microwaved some precooked stuff) and I love you more then anyone else.

I KNOW if I had my time back I wouldn’t have had him, especially if I knew I was going to be a solo mum.

I do love him though, he makes me smile, he makes me feel proud, he entertains me (though I wish he would stop reading jokes from the loo). He constantly impresses me now he is becoming more of a person and less of a child (we had a truly amazing convo about bullying the other day and his wisdom blew me away), I love seeing him experience something new or cool. I love seeing the joy he brings to my parents. I love the way he is a trivia fact junkie like me. It makes me sad to see how very much he is like his Dad sometimes without really even knowing him…they have the EXACT same food likes and dislikes and that boogles my mind.

Summing up…shit i don’t know how to sum up. He’s great. I love him. I wouldn’t have him if I had my life to live over (of course I wouldn’t do lots of things if I had my life to live over) but I have him and I love him.

Only you know what is in your heart but surer then shit if you have a kid you will end up adoring it.

37

[QUOTE=SciFiSam]
FWIW, I don’t let my daughter know the problems she’s caused me. Quite the opposite, in fact. If the issue of her being an ‘accident’ ever comes up (it hasn’t yet, she’s only 5), I’ll tell her she wasn’t an accident, but a windfall, an unexpected bonus.

Anyway, I don’t know if you’ve seen this before, but it is an amusing take on this topic:

Follow these 15 simple tests before you decide to have children.

Sci/fi

Can I snag this post for reposting to other boards ?

Declan

38

Thanks for being honest enough and brave enough to share your story. I just want to point out that not everyone ends up adoring their child, otherwise there wouldn’t be so many people who abandon, neglect, abuse, sell, psychologically torture, disfigure, and kill their children. We hear these stories every day.

I am deliriously happy to be childfree, but I like to think that if I had children I would love them deliriously. But I don’t have a lot of patience, and I suspect I just might end up being one of the bad kind of parent.

39

True. I might be weird. I love kids, anyones kids. I just didn’t want one of my own.

Worst I do to mine is neglect him by not being in the same room when he watches something on telly that I hate. He seems to quite like that neglect though.

Thank you for the kind words.

40

Come to think of it, while I’m not in a situation where it might happen, I don’t want to have my own kids either. I am not anti-kid. I don’t want to deal with a baby or toddler. I would happily take on an older kid or two, by adoption or by being a stepmom, but I don’t want to deal with infancy if I can avoid it. (Please not that would go out the window if Mr. Perfect had a baby!) That being said, I will happily hold and fuss over your baby or admire how cute your toddler is. They areadorable. I don’t want to deal with one day-in and day-out. I hope that doesn’t make me an awful person.

Other people’s kids are great. Hell, I’m going back to school to do a degree in elementary ed. I don’t want to teach kids that are any older than third grade. If I can make other kids’ early elementary grades as awesome as mine were, then I will finally have contributed something to the world.

I finally confirmed a while back that I was an accident – not an unwelcome one, just a pre-wedding post-engagement surprise. Oops!