My mother says she loves both of us dearly, but if she could have her life over she would never have had children.
:eek: May I ask what the “genetic timebomb” was? I take it diabetes was not it?
I think being a little ambivilent about the decision is good. Its realistic. Its stupid to go into this not recognizing that children are going to be stressful, a 24 hour a day committment, expensive and A BIG DEAL THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. It isn’t realistic to not think that there will be times you regret having a child even on just a silly superficial level “gee, if we didn’t have kids, we could just go to that movie.” Or “if I didn’t need to fit car seats in the car, I could buy that cute convertible.” These are not overriding “I’d give up my kids” moments - these are the moments every parent has, that few will admit they have because they are afraid it will sound like they are willing to give up their kids for petty things like movies. Or loud sex. Its realistic to worry about your child not being perfect, being more than you can handle (and even the healthy ones are sometimes as much as you can handle).
The most important thing is that you are both doing it because YOU want to, not because you think your spouse wants to. That just puts too much strain on a marriage when the kids are sick or cranky and “I just did this for you” is running through your head.
I went out of my way to have children. We adopted the first after struggling with infertility. The second was a surprise. So both my children were very wanted - however neither was really “wanted” in the way we got them. One of the first things being a parent will teach you is to let go of your plans - and I got my first lessons before my children were even conceived. And I would have never had them just a year apart in age if I chose. But, as tiring as two in diapers that didn’t sleep through the night and needed to be constantly watched was, you learn that there are wonderful things about “what you wouldn’t have wanted” - like they play together well. Like they are up to the same activities developmentally - I don’t have one roller coaster age while the second is merry go round age. Or one dinosaur museum age while the other is still zoo age.
Back to the spouse thing. Both my husband and I were fine without kids. We really did recognize that kids were going to mean less money, less freedom - and on many levels we were fine with that. So when they didn’t happen in the traditional way, we spend some amount of time talking about the next steps - which for us was adoption. We decided that we would both think independantly about it for a month. Then we’d discuss it. If either of us thought no, we’d drop it - at least for another year. When the month was up, one of us looked at the other and said “yes” and the other said “good, I think yes, too.”
Of course - I snagged it from elsewhere too, and I’m sure they snagged it from somewhere else!
Thanks Sci/fi
You never know if we have a gifted and humerous poster , or if it was snagged from another site.
Permission is always nice 
Declan
I find it interesting (on more than one level) than no grandparents have chimed in.
Yes, it was diabeties. Really, really bad juvenile diabeties that led to high blood pressure, enlarged heart, kidney failure, etc, etc.
He lasted longer than his three siblings because he had excellent health care and two transplant operations.
His siblings died at 26, 28 and 32.
I am well into my 30’s, I’ll be 40 next year. I can’t think (of the top of my head) of one good thing my mother did for me while I was growing up …
The real sickener is, I’m the one (of three kids) who’s been left to look after the parents now they can’t cope on their own 
Sorry it took a while to get back to this. In answer to your question about why m niece changed her mind, I really don’t know. If I had to guess, I’d think it was because she grew up a bit. (And I’m not trying to say that anybody who doesn’t want kids is immature. I’m only talking about her.) I think her not wanting kids had several parts, but at least part of it seems to have been the fact that she was having fun the way she was. They were able to travel and do what they wanted when they wanted. My guess is that they decided that it was worth the tradeoff and that they could still do some of those things, even if they had to plan them a little differently. They took a trip to Washington state this past summer, renting a motor home so they would have room for the baby. He loves the backpack and they took him hiking and such. They seem to have adjusted their lives without completely changing everything.
What made the most sense to me in my decision not to have kids is that I’m a woman, and even in this enlightened age, women still do about 80% of the childraising. I could handle about 20% of the childraising, and so can my husband - that brings us up to 40% worth of parents. Not nearly enough, in my opinion. So, instead, we have cats. They can handle 40% worth of looking after quite nicely, thank you.
I also read a long time ago someone who said “If you don’t want children with all your heart and all your soul, don’t do it.” I took this to heart.
I tried to find some stats on how many people regret having children, but I didn’t have any luck. Anyone else know this information?
This is probably an odd point of view because I don’t hear it very often, but the world’s so overpopulated and most people want kids and many have lots and lots of them, so it seems to me that if you don’t absolutely HAVE TO HAVE ONE to feel complete as a human, then you shouldn’t. It has just always quietly baffled me that others are so incredulous that I don’t want kids (My mom: “You will, someday, just wait” Well, I’m 39…) My girlfriend would love to have one but since we’re both women, nothin’s happening accidentally, that’s for sure. I work with some teenage girls professionally and I hope that makes a difference, but I just can’t think of any compelling reason to have a child if I’m not just dying to because of the probabibility that parts of it are going to be really, really neat. This doesn’t seem selfish to me. It seems UNselfish.
Doing something I don’t particularly want to do because I’m afraid I’ll regret it later if I don’t just doesn’t seem like a great motivation to me.
Reading the OP again I realize that this was a bit of a hijack. Sorry!!! Just got caught up in all the stories…
Carry on… :o
When I met my partner I was 27 and he was 41. I had a 9 year old son and he accepted him with no questions. He did say that he had no intrest in having more children and I agreed at the time. When I entered my 30’s I started to feel as though I would like to have another child. I felt encouraged by the fact that my husband had been such a great friend and parent to my son. When I broached the subject to him he was reluctant but after thinking about it he agreed to try. I think he agreed because he had some question about his fertility and felt it would never happen. Well, we now have an amazing 2 year old and my partner dotes on him. He cannot imagine his life before. This child has made such a difference in his life. Keep an open mind and good luck!
One of my friends swore she never wanted kids - up and down, and every time we went in public and a child was out of control, she’d usually mutter ‘ankle-biters!’ under her breath. I actually asked her not to have children, jokingly, once, and she said “No worries there!”.
Then she got married. She married one of our good college friends, who came from a big family and made it no secret that he wanted kids. A few years later, they had their little boy, who’s the joy of their life. She’s a great mom, and they’re talking about having a second one soon.
I never would have guessed that she’d be such an awesome mom, but she is.
Ava
I just want to say thanks, again, to everyone for sharing their stories. They’ve all been interesting, and they’ve all made me think (even more) about the whole Kid Conundrum. My wife’s enjoyed reading them all, as well.
I envy both the determinedly childfree and the of-course-we’ll-be-parents crowds – I wish I were as certain about what would make me happy. Happier, anyway.
This came my way today. It’s an accurate description of part of what happens to you when you become a parent, IMO.
Wow Dangermom!
Your link hit it on the head. Very good description of something you can’t explain to someone else easily—I tried to explain this to a friend of mine–but couldn’t—this link will help!
I am a Dad and I feel the same way about my little girl. I was hesitant to have a child–but I really have no regrets. She is the best thing to ever happen in my life–the hardest too—but it is worth it no doubt.
thanks for the link—I will keep that for the Mom’s I know on Mothers Day
Hakuna Matata
My parents have been married 35 years or so now, and they never intended to have children. They mutually did not want them. Both of them dislike/avoid other people’s children.
I was a bit of a surprise, after 10 years of marriage. My mother actually told me a few years ago (during a heart to heart about very weighty things) that they’d debated an abortion when she found out she was pregnant. I should note I have a wonderful relationship with my mother, and am not in any way bothered by this news. I know she adores me. They had my sister by choice. After my grandparents died, my mother decided that she wouldn’t have made it through without the support of her brother, and didn’t wish to leave her child an orphan one day. Neither of us have ever doubted for a day that we were wanted and loved.
But my parents—for themselves—should never have had children. They were happy before I was born, working on their careers, traveling, refinishing their house, being social, etc. Their parenting styles were incompatible and completely opposite. When they shut the bedroom door and shouted at each other, it was always about us. For most of my life, I thought my parents were the kind of people who were ‘staying together for the children’, and would probably file for divorce the day after my little sister moved out. In truth, they were just miserable being parents and took it out on each other instead of on us (which I suppose I appreciate).
I’m out of the house. My sister, though behind due to disabilities, has begun reaching a teenage-like level of independence. (She has a part time job, some friends, can be alone for an evening, etc). She’s also (unlike me), a good, sweet kid who doesn’t get into any trouble. Suddenly my parents are going out dancing on Saturdays. The last time I was home I came around the corner too fast and they were making out in the kitchen. After I peeled myself off the ceiling I realized they were happier than I’d ever seen them I my whole life. They went on vacation together this week, alone (sister’s with me). It’s weird to realize that your existence nearly derailed your parents’ marriage.
I asked my mom about it, and after much hemming and hawing and promising it would not send me into years of therapy, she admitted that they shouldn’t have had children, and that it was a lot harder on my father because he didn’t have hormones and instinct to tide him over. She also said that she loves me as a person (not just as a daughter), and that she’d have loved to be friends with me if we weren’t related, and that she’s delighted that she brought these people (sister and me) into the world. But it wasn’t until we started being people, as opposed to just children, that it actually felt worthwhile.
Obsidian, your parents sound like wonderful, self-aware people, and not unlike improved versions of my parents. Dad was 66 when I was born, so I’m sure fatherhood was not something he was planning on. Mom was younger, but not really mentally stable. But they were my parents, and here we are.
To paraphrase General Patton: The real hero is the (person) who (parents) even though (s)he’s scared.
I stumbled across this thread. Really interesting stuff.
@OP curious if you ever had children and how everything turned out.