Well, now I’m interested too. OP’s most recent activity shows four months ago so it might be awhile before we find out.
My oldest son was 6weeks old when this was posted. If he dropped the hammer on it around the same time he posted hes probably busy with a pubescent teenager.
If you wonder about having kids, borrow someone’s teenager for awhile. That’ll be the test.
Well, apparently the OP had email notifications on for this post, because here he is.
How everything turned out: Well, it’s all still turning out, isn’t it? But:
About a year and a half after posting this, my daughter was born. We decided to try and see what happened, and it didn’t take long for my wife to get pregnant after that.
I was really, really depressed —I’d call it despair, frankly — through probably half the pregnancy, utterly convinced this was exactly the wrong decision. My wife knew but I kept it secret from our parents (who were of course excited to be grandparents).
That melted away, like storm clouds breaking up, a few weeks before the due date. And as I held my infant daughter on me, and she managed to pee through her diaper and get me wet, I loved her more than anything ever, pretty much.
She was great! (She still is great.) So we decided to have another kid a few years later.
This time, no depression through the pregnancy, but I had a pretty intense (but not quite as dark) bout of male post-partum depression for the first few months after my son was born. It didn’t help that he was a harder baby than his older sister — though we knew we had been lucky with her, and we weren’t expecting it to go so well twice.
They’re both great kids. They’re different, the way siblings are, and I love them fiercely, and would lay down my life for either one of them without hesitation.
And when I total everything up, if I could go back in time, I’d undo the decision.
I love my children. I don’t enjoy being a parent.
When I total up all the joy that they’ve brought my life, and weigh that against the sacrifices that I know I’ve made … they don’t quite balance. I think I’d be a happier person if I had more money, and more options, even if all I did was watch even more movies and read even more books. The timing limited my career in ways I wish it hadn’t. Money is tighter than I’d like. I’m probably never going to tour Tokyo or Rome, and certainly not more than once.
It’s very much not something tied to these kids. It’s not like I want to trade them in, or can envision better children who would make me enjoy the parental sacrifices more. And I don’t resent them —neither of them asked to be born, I wasn’t pressured into having them. I had a choice, both times, and made my choice, and now wish I’d made different ones, but that’s life.
My mom asked me, a few years after my daughter was born, if I could even imagine life without her, and my immediate thought was “yeah, of course, I’d be able to do X, Y, and Z.” That’s not what I said, but the thought was immediate and strong, and has never really gone away. I can imagine life if I’d never had children. Maybe I’d be just as doubtful —as I said 14 years ago, I’m a second-guesser by nature. But I have a feeling my own happiness levels would be at least a little higher.
Thank you so much for writing this. I also have children that I love, but I don’t love being a parent. This makes me feel not so alone and terrible for it.
Several of my brothers had children when they did not want them. I’m currently those kids legal guardian because their parents don’t want them (and don’t care who knows it). So it doesn’t always work out that people learn to love their children regardless of whether or not they wanted them before birth.
Love is sacrifice, isn’t it? You say you’re willing to die for your children. The real test is whether you’re willing to live for them, because death is actually pretty cheap.
Maturity has taught me that my own happiness is less important than I realized. YMMV, but that’s my conclusion. My six kids have cost me plenty, but I’ve decided they’re worth it.
Just to be super clear, I don’t consider having children a mistake. They are wanted and loved, by me and by lots of other people, and I want them to be part of my life as long as possible. This is not a deep, aching regret for me.
Thank you for the update. Don’t worry, I don’t think the post reflects poorly on you in the least.
This thread existing long enough for the “rest of the story” is a great thing about the SDMB.
We did not have children. My wife and I have been married 28 years.
We talked about having children and decided that we weren’t totally committed to the idea. We haven’t regretted it. We have done all of those things that people have worried they wouldn’t be able to do. We have been able to pursue education and travel and careers. We haven’t had to worry about money. We have also had more than our fair share of good luck.
Something that we didn’t consider is grandchildren.
Even my friends who weren’t super into the parenting thing, say that grandchildren are the best.
C’est la vie.
Yes. Also: Grand kids for the win, because you know how it works the second time around. Crap, I could become a grand any time now.
Thanks for the update. I understand. I’ll just chime in to say, you can get to Rome (and anywhere else you want) when the kids are grown. My wife and I (blended family) have five kids between us. Money and time were often tight. Many a challenge along the way. We are perhaps more lucky than most, but now we have time and money to travel and catch up on things we couldn’t do before.
My Granny who had 13 kids advised me that kids are just heartbreaks waiting to happen. My children were her first great-grandkids. Boy did she dote on them. But really she was right. She buried 2 of her kids. Outlived 2 husbands. So she was wise. I have had disappointments with my kids, nothing too drastic. I can see how someone with a really disturbed child or one with a life-threatening illness would just be heart wrenching. I honestly don’t know how parents deal with that.
Grandchildren: so much easier to love than your own children. In fact, I’d say you love them MORE.
Never had kids of my own, but inherited two at ages 6 and 8. I’m glad I didn’t have to go through the dirty diapers and Terrible Twos.
I love it when we get to hear the outcome from an old thread. Thanks to the OP for coming back and sharing so openly.
We have a 4-year-old and would like another child sooner rather than later. My wife and I agreed fairly early on in our relationship (certainly well before getting engaged/married) that we both wanted kids, though if we end up with 2 boys I think she will want a third - she knows I’m not OK with that. I have absolutely no regrets about having children, despite how hard and restrictive it often is. And we are incredibly lucky that our kid is healthy and relatively easy to deal with. But although I would do it all again, it doesn’t stop me thinking that if I didn’t have kids (or really, if I weren’t married) I would be able to do lots of fun stuff that I can’t really do now. I don’t think that makes me a bad person as I’m still very happy I’ve made the right choices.
I co-parented my brothers, so I’m kind of auntie and kind of granny for my nephews. Es deber de los padres el criar bien a sus hijos, y de los tíos el malcriar a los sobrinos - it is parents’ duty to raise their kids right, and that of uncles to teach them the things the parents won’t. I’d say I take my duties seriously except they involve things such as “the bestest Santa presents” (said The Eldest Nephew).
When I click on the link, all I get is this page saying “page not found”.
It’s a 14 year old link. The page is probably just not there anymore.
That reminds me - I also wanted to say thanks to SciFiSam for that list of ‘parenting tests’ - hilarious and true.
I’ve noticed recently with my partners daughter, and her partner, both recently divorced.
They are never happier than when their children are with the other parent, and they have the time to themselves.
I point this out to my partner, who replies , “well everyone needs a break”, which is fine
I don’t however know any non parents who want to borrow anyone’s kids for a week or so, so as to get a break from not having kids.
I also think most people are just afraid to state the truth ,which is of course my life would be better, easier, and more enjoyable without kids.
It’s not that black & white, or else you’d see more people saying it. The truth is parenting is exhausting and constantly demands sacrifice and participation in all sorts of life that one might ordinarily avoid. That doesn’t mean it’s not rewarding or that life would be better without it. Relishing a ‘break’ doesn’t indicate a preference for total relief of duty. It’s a bit like going to the gym. People do that all the time, but it is a rare nutcase who doesn’t look forward to the end of the workout.