I would also question the premise that “better, easier, and more enjoyable” is the goal for most people. It’s certainly not what I hope to get out of life: I want to make a difference, to shape the world a little, to leave a legacy. I want my life to have mattered, not just to be a little smear of pleasure that disappears without a trace at the end. That’s why I am a teacher, it’s why I had a son. Other people volunteer, donate to charity, make art.
When did the world get to the place were you have to defend a choice as being “better, easier, and more enjoyable”?
I wonder the same thing. Back in the day, 27 years ago, my then girlfriend and I both discussed, and knew, that neither of us wanted kids and, lo and behold, we have had none. I would have been an awful father at the time and I don’t know how my wife would have been. Neither of us have regrets, however, and we are both grateful that we stuck with our decision.
We did decide to reconsider after one year of marriage, and we both decided “no” at that time. Without seeming judgmental (though this will seem judgmental) I like to think that we put more thought into not having kids than many people put into having kids.
“Better” and “more enjoyable” could come from having kids or not having kids, depending on what you want. I don’t think anyone thinks having kids will make their lives “easier.”
For me, kids make my life much more difficult at times, (and less enjoyable for short periods) but overall, I’d say my life is much better because of them. I can certainly understand someone having a different view.
My big counter-example here is going to be that people have kids, knowing full well that it’s not going to make their lives easier, and in many ways not going to make their lives more enjoyable, but also hoping it will make their life more purposeful and meaningful.
There’s also everyone who ever volunteered, everyone who ever make a passion into a career, everyone who ever ran a long race, everyone who ever donated to charity, participated in a faith community, or any of the other myriad things people do to find purpose and meaning in life.
Hell, in the Oklahoma teachers strike just the other day, salary wasn’t enough: teachers wanted better conditions for kids, because they could not do meaningful, useful work with poor facilities and inadequate materials. There is more to life than pleasure. Meaning matters.
No matter if you are childless, childfree, or a parent, reading some of the posts in this thread makes it pretty clear that the decision to have/not have a child should be taken with the utmost gravity. It’s one of those decisions you don’t get to do over at some point, so you have to be good with it. I have to say, some of what is written here seems so painful and shocking, but genuine on many levels. Anyone considering becoming a parent should read here and go in with eyes wide open.
I am like some of the other posters here. I was not around babies and small children when I was growing up. My nephew was the very first baby I ever held, and I only held him once, 3 years before my daughter was born.
I was not terribly interested in parenting but it came to me anyway via expected convention (bad reason, I know). Both my kids are wanted and loved, but I did not particularly care for the early years, except for being able to hold them. After many battle-weary days I finally learned that each day gets barely perceptibly better and now I have two young adults with their lives unrolling before them like a blank canvas and I am interested in what they decide to become.
Some of the most fun I have had was watching one of my kids experiencing something the first time. There were long nights pacing the floor with sick baby or those ‘oh so fun’ potty training days. Mostly it’s a joy if you have a responsive and happy child. Like I said, I don’t know how parents of kids with issues or illnesses make it. I just hope they have help.
I remember how I reacted when I found out my wife was pregnant. She asked to have lunch with me at work, which is rare. Then in the middle of lunch, she wordlessly slides a sonogram photo across the table as if she were a girl I met in a bar last month who I accidently knocked up. I was simply like “ok, I’m a program manager. I manage complex projects all the time. This is just like another project with timelines and milestones and resources that need to be managed.”
Of course, we had been trying for several months, so this sounds a lot more “accidental” than it really was. But it was still terrifying.
Of course your life changes after having kids. In many ways, not for the better. Like I can’t simply go for a run or see a movie or get coffee without coordinating with a bunch of people.
And of course it’s expensive. I think I pay out my annual starting salary right out of college just to have someone watch the kids while my wife and I are at work. But my wife and I both make decent salaries and I have a very flexible work schedule.
But my kids are also a lot of fun. I must have thousands of photos and videos of my kids doing random hilarious things. It’s also nice living in post-gentrified New Jersey side of the Hudson River across from Manhattan. I think being able to walk with the kids to school, restaurants, parks, whatever makes life a lot easier than having to drive everywhere
Also, my wife and I had kids relatively late. But so did our younger siblings and a bunch of our friends. So our kids actually have a bunch of cousins and friend’s children all about the same age they can play with. So we don’t really feel like we’re “missing out” on much.
But some days I do wish I had a time machine so I could go back and chop off my own dick.
“Easier” for the first few years, no. But my mother’s desire for one daughter was as her servant and caretaker; the same roles her aunt performed dutifully for the aunt’s mother (my great-grandmother).
“Some parents give their children life. Others confuse ‘give’ with ‘mortgage’ and want it back with 20% interest.” - A Capuchin priest who knew my mother well.
I don’t even know how much that helps, though. For one thing, it’s so different than what most people expect, so I can imagine a lot of people thinking they were very sure one way or the other, and then having an opposite reaction when reality hits. And that goes both ways: there are accidental parents who love it and planned-like-D Day parents who are disappointed. When I think of people I know, I don’t see a lot of correlation between how much they wanted to be parents and how good they are at parenting: at the end of the day, being a good parent is more about your inherent sense of responsibility and willingness to put someone else first, not how bad you wanted to be there in the first place.
Having children is a huge risk, and I’m not sure that careful planning and deliberation make that much of a difference in the outcome. And I say that as someone who wanted and planned my child late in life after tons of careful deliberation. And it’s worked out great–but I’m not prepared to take credit for that. It could easily have gone the other way. There are just so many variables you can’t predict or plan.
Which doesn’t mean much of anything, really. Taking care of someone else’s kids for short bursts of time will not bring the same rewards as investing your time, energy, and emotions to your own children over a 20-year period.
Anyone who goes into parenthood expecting it to be non-stop happiness shouldn’t be a parent, period point blank. But that goes for any longterm endeavor that requires hard work. There is no guarantee that the cost-benefits of raising a kid will be in your favor. It is a gamble.
That said, I think it’s a gamble with pretty good odds. My daughter is such a source of pure joy, and this is the case even though my life is now more complicated with her. I feel enriched by the work that I’m putting into her development. Living a simple, unchallenged life would not be healthy for me, because I’m predisposed to boring couch potato-ism if I’m not regularly forcing myself to do something hard. The good thing now is I don’t really have to force myself; my daughter’s existence requires me getting up and doing stuff all the time. I don’t think I’m alone in valuing the sense of purpose that parenthood instills.
Not judgmental at all. If I may coin a phrase: If sex weren’t so much fun there would be fewer children, which would be a bad thing. OTOH, if sex weren’t so much fun there would be fewer children, which would be a good thing.
My mother said the exact same thing. There were 4 of us kids, and what she said made me feel unwanted. I have no children and when I was married, my mother said “oh, you would love your own children if you had them.” My sister replied “no she wouldn’t!” My sister was right.
Didn’t want kids, had an accidental son, and love being a Dad so much that we’re actually doing fertility treatments now. I want more of 'em.
I originally didn’t want kids for the usual self centered (not saying that like it’s a bad thing, it’s important to value your own experience) reasons. Want to travel, want to have late nights, didn’t want to have to worry about child care, etc. You’d be surprised how little a child will limit you.
A lot of it depends on your spouse. If I didn’t have an awesome wife who is good with kids, I might have a different opinion on the whole kids thing.
Okay, I’ll try. We got married in our late 20s and had two kids quickly. I was more than ready to stop, but five years later my wife started lobbying for a third. I was very reluctant and made her promise to get a ligation afterwards. So we had a third. I loved and still love him (and the other two) dearly. If I lived life again, I would certainly have him again. Now I have 6 grandchildren, one of whom is now 23, although he claims to be asexual so no great grandchildren in the offing, at least not from him. The other two kids have one each and all my kids are (or their wives are) past reproductive age. All in all, having kids just about the most rewarding things I ever did. The youngest will be 45 later this year.