One-liners you've said that brought down the house

[Dragwyr]

I was at my physical therapist last Friday. I was in the middle of doing my usual sets of exercises he prescribed to me when L, another PT, came in and started sort of goofing around with a toy microphone (It was the end of her work day and she was happy to be going home for the weekend). She was getting some laughs from the other patients and PT's in the workout area when she started dancing around like some sort of rock star. She did this for a couple of minutes and when she was done, I said with a totally straight face, "Very good. You've got it. Now do 3 sets of 20."

The entire office roared.


So what are some one-liners you've said that have brought down the house?

[bobkitty]

I've had a couple, but one sticks out because of the sheer inappropriateness.

I was at a gathering of coworkers.. some kind of BBQ or something. The boss was there, as was the director of our department *and* the director of the program (DoD's boss). The DoP was a well-known misogynist (which went well with the DoD, who was a slimy womanizer), and rather obviously went around the gathering shaking hands with all the guys and not even remotely acknowledging the women. I say obviously because it was not a large gathering, and we were all therapists so we're naturally keyed into behavior.

One of the women standing with me called him out on it, saying something along the lines of "What, you only get a handshake if you have a penis?"

Cue me, utterly deadpan: "I have a penis; it's at home in the drawer."

Everyone went to to . Well, except the DoP.

He left the party pretty soon after that.

[Malleus, Incus, Stapes!]

Bobkitty, you male or female? Just want to know how I should take the story.

[matt_mcl]

One of my favourites ever was by my brother.

It was my 17th birthday party; I had just come out to my father the previous year, and he was still a bit at sea about the whole thing.

My friend Scotty, who is still just about the most flaming person I've ever met, showed up to the party wearing a pink see-through teddy with pom-poms around the hem, nipple pierces, pleather pants, magenta spiked hair, and a tiara. My dad's jaw dropped, literally.

After he went home, he, Hamish, bro_mcl, and I were sitting in the living room and the subject of Scotty came up. My dad said, "Well, I just don't see why he feels the need to act and dress like that." Hamish said, "Well, he sees himself as an artist and his clothes and appearance are like his canvas." Dad protested, "Well, so do I!"

And my heterosexual, fifteen-year-old little brother spontaneously pipes up, "Yeah, dad, but the difference is that he's Picasso and you're Norman Rockwell."

[TheScogg]

I was at my local watering hole in a small town in Kentucky a few weekends ago. I'm sitting with a small group of close knit friends on a patio full of regulars and acquaintances. After everybody got settled in, a group of Army guys form across the country decide to join us. After all the due introductions and introductory chitchat, one of the guys asks "So what do you all do in Kentucky for fun?". Without missing a beat, and in the most confused and taken aback manner possible, I blurt "You mean when we're not f***ing our sisters?". The place erupted with laughter and I, normally an overlooked wallflower, had all of the attention I wanted all night long.

[AuntiePam]

I still don't know why this was funny but I accepted the laughs. I was at a party at a co-worker's house, being introduced to his friends. One of them said "Call me Fatty" (he wasn't fat) and I said "Is that with a ph?" I don't know why I said it or why everybody roared, but I knew not to ask for an explanation.

[Llama Llogophile]

When I was a teacher we once had a staff meeting in the library rather than the usual meeting room because it was being used for temporary textbook storage.

It was crowded, and the principal began the meeting by saying, "Sorry about this, but the other room is full of books."

I immediately interjected, "So is this one!"

[Argent Towers]

A few years ago, my father and I were having dinner with the Czech ambassador to the United Nations, Martin Palouš, and some other Czech guy (his assistant?) After the dinner was over, my dad said he was going to take Palouš back to his hotel. I said something like, "so you're going to take care of the Czech (check)?" It was the stupidest joke imaginable, but my dad and the Czech guys just lost it. (They had had a lot to drink - I guess that helped.)

[wunderkammer]

Another inexplicable one:

I was sitting around at my parents' house, talking to my brother and his girlfriend. Girlfriend was about to spend two weeks in rural Canada for some kind of literacy service trip with her church. After a while, the conversation turned to pets, and Girlfriend was lamenting how she would love to have a dog, but she was always too busy to give one a good home.

"You'd better be careful," I said, "or you'll bring home an illiterate Canadian puppy that really needs you".

Well, that brought on a giggle fit for all three of us that was unsurpassed in family history*. Ten minutes later we were still completely incapacitated. We'd calm down a bit, look each other in the eye again, and dissolve into more laughter. Over an illiterate Canadian puppy. Bizarre.

*Well, later there was the time that my dad, driving us home from a camping trip, doused himself in gasoline from a broken gas pump. My mom acted a bit too amused and not sympathetic enough toward his pathetic state, and he was annoyed, so he pronounced petulantly, "Just for that, I'm not going to change my pants!" A good ten minutes of uncontrollable laughter ensued (undoubtedly abetted by the heady fumes in the car) and my dad was so annoyed that he did indeed finish out the drive without changing his pants.

[Bearflag70]

At a cousin's wedding reception dinner, we were sitting around eating with a fairly conservative bunch when the conversation turned to hypothetical tattoos we might want.

My father-in-law, sitting next to my mother-in-law, chimed in with, "I'd like to get a naked woman."

Deadpan, without missing beat, I said, "That's nice, but what about a tattoo?"

Everyone at the table roared and the folks at other tables were apparently wondering why our table was having so much fun.

[Beware of Doug]

That ability to reframe other people's statements can be comedy gold. Or it can get your clock cleaned, or both.

This is not such an incident, but back in college a bunch of us dorm rats were tromping around the stairwells and for whatever reason, a couple of us went down instead of up, so one guy leaned waaay out the window to watch for them leaving the building.

Somebody passing by asked, "Hey, what's he doing?"

I ad libbed, "Lost a contact lens." General merriment ensued, as we were in between the 3rd and 4th floors at the time.

[descamisado]

I was sitting at a PC next to a guy who's become sort of public-library-computer-user friend (we see each other there all the time), on the third floor, at the back of a rather large library building.

All of a sudden, another computer user, rather plump, just jumped up and bolted down the hallway.

We look at each other quizzically, then I say, "Guess he heard the Good Humor truck.

It first brought a smile to my friend's face, then he just cracked up and lost it. He still refers to that one.

[twickster]

A bunch of us were gathered for a family wedding, and there were six of us in an SUV headed from point A to point B.

My very elderly -- and very, very difficult -- Aunt Adele, who was in the middle section with me, piped up with "I don't like to complain..."

Before she could finish the sentence, I interrupted with "Yes, you do."

We never did find out what she was planning to complain about.

[The Second Stone]

I've got a few two liners.

First one, a hiking group of single people carpooling back from a hike and late dinner. Everyone has a crush on someone else in the group, usually unknown and unrequited. Mine was on the little red haired girl, K. Everyone knew about it, including K, who doesn't return my lust. Anyway, I'm dropping the second to last folks off and Christie says, "Sec, can you take K home?" I say enthusiastically "Yes, please!" then wait a beat and a disappointed "Oh, you meant her home." Everyone busts out laughing.

Same group, during dinner after the hike. Food finally comes and they are serving each persons dish from a tray stand behind me. Everybody else gets served and I hear a big crash behind me as everybody but me sees my food dump onto the floor. I don't react at all to the noise and dead pan without turning around even slightly: "I'm not eating that." Whole restaurant busts up.

Lastly, a lawsuit site inspection, where a bunch of lawyers and their expert witnesses examine all the defects in a house (hey, it's California) are milling about the living room. About 15 people. The owner of the house wants to show a plumbing problem and loudly asks: "Is the plumber here?" I am not the plumber or the plumber's lawyer, but doing a Groucho Marx impression blurt out: "I'm not a plumber, but I'll help the lady of the house." Laughter ensues.

[Malleus, Incus, Stapes!]

I make witty zingers all the time- but I'll be danged if I can think of any now.

[robardin]

I'm sure I've mentioned this one before in similar threads, but....

There was this one time on the NYC subway that a large (nearly six feet tall) heavyset woman was standing by the door of an incoming train at rush hour. She refused to move deeper into the car (where there was more standing room), but stood there right in the doorway glowering at all the people who had the temerity to push past her to get inside (most of them casting annoyed looks back at her over their shoulder as they did so). I was the last person to get on the tightly packed car, and had no qualms (being a 6'2", nearly 200 lbs. guy myself) ignoring her evil eye to get myself through the doors as they shut behind me.

Since I had the additional gall to glare right back at her eye-to-eye, she upped the ante by actually saying something to me: "If I was a man, I'd have pushed you right off this train!"

Without missing a beat, I shot back, "Well, you made your choice. There's no going back now!"

The car erupted in hooting laughter, enough to drown out her additional cursing, which I ignored anyway.

[Shirley Ujest]

One of my most successful oneliners was sitting at a sex toy party and passing around the various gadgets to other women.

If you want an audience primed for a good laugh, put a bunch of repressed white wimmen + alcohol +sex toys= a larf waiting to happen.

So, the anal beads made the round.

Being a doper, I knew what they were for, but(t) the majority of the room was ????? over them and talking very quietly to each other for what the purpose of ANAL BEADS would be. ( Oh, I don't know. The title of them really is confusing, ain'tit?)

So one woman says a bit loud, after the lightbulb goes on for where the beads go, But what if he fall's asleep with them in?

Giving a motion like I was starting lawn mower, " Time to wake up!!!!"

No one could breath for a good five minutes.

[ivylass]

I was out after work with some friends, indulging in adult beverages. We started talking about sex, and I asked one guy how many women he'd been with.

He said, probably stalling for time, "How many women have I been with?" I snapped back, "Well, you can include the men and the goats if you want." Next thing I know, my other friend is lying on the floor, screaming hysterically.

[Maiira]

Short one from when I was younger (I want to say about fourteen or so).

My sister: Everyone's a comedian.

Me: Some funnier than others.

I don't even remember what the context was, but my family had a good chuckle.

[FairyChatMom]

This was unintentionally hilarious, but I can't take credit for it. My brother and my youngest sis are about 9 years apart, and she was always very outgoing and somewhat goofy. One day, she was in a rather annoying mode, and my brother was getting fed up. He said "Stop acting like an idiot!!" and she retorted: "Who's acting??"

We all had a great laugh at her expense.

[Hazle Weatherfield]

I was at a party with a bunch of techs who run the machinery during eye surgery (not a very good description of their jobs, but that's it at its most basic level.) The boss was wearing a tie with eyeballs all over it and I said, "Man, I'm glad you guys aren't proctologists!"

[bobkitty]

Originally Posted by Malleus, Incus, Stapes!

Bobkitty, you male or female? Just want to know how I should take the story.

Girl.

[AuntiePam]

Just remembered a bit of dark humor from a lawyer I worked for. The firm was representing the family of a construction worker who died in a 16-story fall. One of the trial exhibits was a blown-up photo of the trash-strewn spot where he landed. We're looking at the photo, thinking somber thoughts, like "This is where a young man died" when she says "Oh look! Is that a suicide note?"

[RealityChuck]

My best one-liner was really only appreciated by one person, but he lost it for about five minutes.

The guy's name was David Stephenson; he's a Canadian author and scientist very much into the hard SF scene. I was talking about some bad movies I had on DVD. One of them was Unknown World. When describing it, I said, "It's like The Core -- only with worse science."

Stephenson lost it. He couldn't believe there was an SF film with worse science than The Core.

[kitemaker_chuck]

I was on jury duty about two years ago, and I was in a larger group from which the trial jury was to be chosen.

The defense lawyer and the County Prosecutor started off with their questions.

The Prosecutor then said:

"How much do you get for your jury service, 10 bucks a day?"

He then said, "Would you still serve if you didn't get anything"

Then came his final question: "How about if you had to pay ME 10 bucks a day?"

I waited for a moment, and I said "We already do !!"

Everyone in the court room (except the County Prosecutor) exploded into laughter, even the judge, the defendant and his defense lawyer.

I didn't get on a jury, but that sure was fun!!

[silvermist]

When I was employed at a hospital, someone asked me what the worst department to work in was. I said, "Endoscopy. That's where all the assholes hang out."

[G0sp3l]

My wife and I hosted an event at hotel an couple of years ago, as I was schmoozing her sister gives me her parking ticket and says

"Gospel, can you validate me?"

Without missing a beat I say

"You look great in that dress, but I'm not paying for your parking"

I was the hero of the night.

[minor7flat5]

Last year our department underwent a fairly substantial change and a new guy came in as the boss's boss. As part of getting to know his new team he had us all travel to the same site and have a few days of teambuilding and planning sessions, with dinners at night to better bond with our team members.

At dinner, some subject came up that prompted him to bring up some papers he had published and some work he had done for Congress. As an offhand comment he said "If you're interested, Google my name and it's the first thing that comes up."

At that precise moment I piped up and said "Well, if you Google my name you'll find I'm a gay porn star!"

Brought down the house!

(and yes, the first pages of hits for my name are all for the other fellow)

[hlanelee]

Me and some guys were standing around when a very attractive woman walked by in a dress cut up to here and a top down to there and I said, "That gives me the urge to piss on something!!!"

[El_Kabong]

I'd returned home after a lengthy time in Europe, and was having dinner with my family.

My Mom: "So, how did you find Paris?"

Me: "I didn't have to. I just got on the plane and pretty soon I was there."

I'm not sure she ever forgave me for that one.

[racer72]

Shortly after a family dinner at my brother's house, our sister, who just happened to be in a crabby mood all day, walked into the kitchen.

She started complaining about the mess and stated she was tired and she did not want to clean up the kitchen.

She opened up a broom closet and grabbed a broom to sweep the floor.

I commented just as she turned around, "Fine go home then."

It took everyone about 2 seconds to realize what I meant.

While everyone was laughing she was trying to hit me with the broom.

[Roderick Femm]

Meeting at work, various VPs and department heads in attendance. The head of IT is relating something and makes a reference to some popular event from a number of years in the past, and when he gets a few questioning looks, he says "Oh, sorry, I guess I'm dating myself, aren't I?"

Me: "Don't worry, I date myself all the time."

pause

Me, again: "No, no, I mean I often say things that reveal my age by referring to things that happened a long time ago!"

No-one seemed to believe me.


Roddy

[Shirley Ujest]

Originally Posted by minor7flat5

Last year our department underwent a fairly substantial change and a new guy came in as the boss's boss. As part of getting to know his new team he had us all travel to the same site and have a few days of teambuilding and planning sessions, with dinners at night to better bond with our team members.

At dinner, some subject came up that prompted him to bring up some papers he had published and some work he had done for Congress. As an offhand comment he said "If you're interested, Google my name and it's the first thing that comes up."

At that precise moment I piped up and said "Well, if you Google my name you'll find I'm a gay porn star!"

Brought down the house!

(and yes, the first pages of hits for my name are all for the other fellow)

Hysterical. ( If you google my name I'm a lesbian sci-fi writer.)

[FriarTed]

The workplace Christmas party was coming up in a week. One co-worker, a very genial but sometimes accidentally boorish fellow who was also balding, thought it was funny to ask EVERYONE if they were going to wear a lampshade on their head. Finally, I said "Paul, you're the one here who's head most resembles a light bulb!"

I was the hero of the lounge!

[JustThinkin']

Originally Posted by Shirley Ujest

Hysterical. ( If you google my name I'm a lesbian sci-fi writer.)

Cool! Which one? Are you (is she) any good?

[MissTake]

In my group I'm the self-contained one. I rarely drink, don't enjoy crude humor much, and am generally considered the fuddydud (despite being the youngest).

We had all gone out to a bar and, as usual, separated into men only / women only groups. I was talking about how I gave my cat Cleo a bath, but the only animal shampoo I could find was this glittery stuff left behind by my nephew (who spoiled his dog rotten).

We were giggling about the thought of and process of shampooing a cat when Bruce, the worst offender for crude jokes and bad behavior came over and wanted to know what we were all laughing about.

"My glittery pussy"

His jaw dropped. Face turned beet red. He had no response. We ended up on the floor, laughing hysterically not only at the fact that I was so crude, but that he was so humorously shocked. We still say 'glittery pussy' when we want to get his goat.

Another one: A few years ago we were at the Country Fest hoohah that I get dragged to every year with the same group of friends. I was intoxicated. VERY intoxicated. Drank a pitcher of moonlight martinis poopfaced, giggly intoxicated. Again, the whole prim and proper thing rose it's ugly head. I was sitting on my bed, waiting for the world to quit spinning so damned fast, when I saw movement outside the window. A guy was urinating against a motorhome. So I yelled "HEY! NICE PENIS!". From outside our bus came screaming laughter.
My sister slammed open the door "Was that YOU?!" Yeah, why?
(And then I don't remember so much)

[ZipperJJ]

When we were in school there was a student teacher, and eventually an assistant band director, who is a pretty straight-laced fellow but who has a really great sense of humor.

A few of us are friends with him on Facebook now (yeah, 15 years later, our friends are our old teachers). Last week, he posted a few pictures of himself up in the air, parasailing with his daughters, with the caption "Me and the girls, 300 feet up!"

I was lucky enough to get in the first comment, "Never thought I'd ever see a picture of [name] getting high with his kids..."

The next 10 comments were all of the "LOL @ZIPPER!!!" sort. My brother even made a point to tell me that was the funniest comment he's ever read on FB.

Facebook is a really great way to get in some awesome one-liners AND to have them saved for all of eternity plus put them on display. Hurrah!

[Quasimodem]

"I'm very anal about what I eat."

We were at the dinner table with some family members and my "dry humored" wife says, "Care to rephrase that, Bill?"



Quasi

Hey, up there, Zip! Good one!

[Jackknifed Juggernaut]

A couple of weeks ago, I attempted to a negotiate a higher salary with my boss. I wasn't demanding a raise, but just wanted to have a plan in place. Due to the economy, we've all taken pay cuts recently. Anyway, I was shot down for various reasons.

Last Friday, I asked one of my investment consultants to present to my investment committee, which includes the boss that shot down my raise. I was almost 100% certain that my boss mentioned my request for a raise to the other committee members, since she reports up to them. We had some time after the consultants were finished, so I decided to update the committee on some other items that were not originally on the agenda.

We're pretty informal with our dress in these committee meetings, especially on a Friday. And since I didn't intend to present, and because I had some social plans after work, I decided to dress casually that morning. As I was moving to the head of the table to begin, my boss jokingly says: "If you're presenting, why aren't you wearing a tie?"

My response: "Sorry L-, I wore my only tie yesterday."

The generated much laughter from the committee members, who've all seen me in business attire many times.

[TruCelt]

Originally Posted by AuntiePam

I still don't know why this was funny but I accepted the laughs. I was at a party at a co-worker's house, being introduced to his friends. One of them said "Call me Fatty" (he wasn't fat) and I said "Is that with a ph?" I don't know why I said it or why everybody roared, but I knew not to ask for an explanation.

I'm guessing he had losta lot of weight. Fat_to_PHAT was a common hipster way of referencing the weight loss process. Phat = cool, attractive, "all that".

[Soylent Juicy]

Many years ago, in what I refer to as "my previous life", my then-boyfriend and his loser friends were sitting around talking. One of his loser buddies was bragging about his hunting prowess:

Him: "I've shot a deer, I've shot a moose...."

Very quiet, reserved me: "Shot the bull."

[Indyellen]

Years ago, when my daughter was a baby, my ex-husband & I were going to a pitch-in holiday get together. The apartment where it was being held was upstairs, and we were juggling baby in car-seat/carrier, diaper bag, purse, gift for gift exchange, etc.

For want of anyplace to keep the casserole we made for the pitch-in, I set it at the bottom of the carrier, on top of my daughter's legs. (She was under lots of blankets due to the weather.) As I came in, the first words out of my mouth were, "Will someone please take the casserole off the baby?"

The entire room broke up, and it usually gets brought up any time we all get together now. the (now) 16 year old gets embarassed, but even SHE thinks it's funny.

[enomaj]

10th grade chemistry:

Teacher - What is a salt?
Me - 2 to 5


In college I was over to a friend's apartment. He pulled out his phone bill to show me. He had been calling his high school sweetheart long distance after going home over a break. The bill was kinda thick. I say, "Damn. You can curl up on the couch and read this."


Hardest and longest I've ever made anybody laugh:

Used to work at a hotel that would have a breakfast buffet every Sunday. One lunch break a co-worker tells a story about a customer who saw a rat on the buffet table and the co-worker just happened to be there when it happened. Customer hands co-worker plate and says, "I guess I won't be eating here anymore." Everyone starts riffing jokes. I came up with:

"We need some more rat bait on the buffet."

[Lanzy]

Waiting on a Bus at 5 AM to be at work be 6. Really older guy come up and says, "You look tired."
Me: Yep, too early for me.
Guy: I don't thing nothing of getting up early.
Me: I don't think much of it either.



Really said it but it is an old joke I had heard years before. Most of my one-liners wait for years for just the right situation to be funny.

[Jettboy]

I was working in a print shop that was one of six in a small, local chain. Our manager had retired and the company sent us a new one from corporate headquarters; an obnoxious, self-aggrandizing bitch with absolutely no interpersonal skills and no managerial experience. On the day she took the helm she shut down the entire shop for an hour to have a meeting and discuss the divine edicts of her reign.

After she had laid down the law to our silent and respectful group of 15, and described how things were going to be in the new regime, she read off a short list of personal circumstances that she detested. After about 10 minutes, she came to the big one.

"...and the one thing I absolutely won't tolerate from my people, " she proclaimed, "the one thing that makes my blood boil, and could get a person written up, is GOSSIP; it's the primary trigger that breaks up employee cohesion and fractures teamwork. I can't stand, and won't stand for, any form of gossip whatsoever in my shop!"

From the brief silence that followed, a smartass voice belonging to your ol' buddy the Jettboy says, "Yeah, I've heard that about you."

The assesmbled employees busted up laughing and I got a cold icy stare. I could actually feel my name moving towards the top of the Shit List.

[Quasimodem]

[Howie Mandel] Okay...Okay...OKAY!! Wait, wait! I got one![/HM]

I don't know if you'd call this a one-liner, and I admit I stole this one from Redd Foxx (Sanford and Son), but I used to love using it when I'd come back to work the weekend shift at my hospital.

Someone would usually ask, "What 'd you do this week, Bill?"

Me: "Had a date with the Lee Sisters"

Them: "The Lee Sisters?"

Me: "Yeah. Ugg and Home"



Sory if this one didn't fit, but Fred Sanford still cracks me up!

Quasi

[Quasimodem]

Originally Posted by Jettboy;11605867 Jettboy says, "Yeah, I've heard that about you."
The assembled employees busted up laughing and I got a cold icy stare. I could actually [I

feel[/i] my name moving towards the top of the Shit List.

ROFLMAO!

As the saying goes, that's priceless, and you know what they say about that list, right?

Once you're on it, you never come off! You just move up and down.

[Private Joker]"Is that you John Wayne?"[/PJ]

Musta been that kinda moment, huh, Jettboy?

Quasi

[Vinyl Turnip]

Eh, I got nothin'.

[ZipperJJ]

Originally Posted by enomaj

10th grade chemistry:

Teacher - What is a salt?
Me - 2 to 5

Awesome! How did your teacher respond?!

Originally Posted by Jettboy

From the brief silence that followed, a smartass voice belonging to your ol' buddy the Jettboy says, "Yeah, I've heard that about you."

The assesmbled employees busted up laughing and I got a cold icy stare. I could actually feel my name moving towards the top of the Shit List.

[enomaj]

Originally Posted by ZipperJJ

Awesome! How did your teacher respond?!

He enjoyed it. The next time he asked the question he had to add: "And no, it's not 2 to 5."