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#1
11-11-2009, 07:08 AM
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A Load of Cobblers
20 October 2009
Partner takes in two pairs of boots to local shoe repairer. She pays him £10. Shoe repairer says boots will be ready on 27 October. 27 October 2009 Partner visits shoe repairer to collect boots. SR is apologetic, and says he hasn't had time to mend boots, but they will be ready later that day, and will be delivered to our home that very same evening by his driver. Partner gives him our address. Boots fail to arrive. 3 November 2009 I visit SR to enquire about non-delivery of boots, and to establish their current whereabouts. SR states that driver has mental difficulties, and couldn't find address to deliver boots. SR also says that driver has a phobia about number 9, and that he refuses to deliver any items to any address with the number 9 in it - 9, 99, 999 etc. (we don't live at number 9, 99, or 999.) I respond with query about what happens when driver is sent to a house where digits add up to 9, such as 54, or where digits multiply to 9, such as 33. SR says that he himself lives at number 54 Somewhereorother, and when driver arrives to pick him up in the morning he has to wait at the gate, otherwise driver will knock on door of number 56 instead. This explanation given totally on the fly impresses me no end. I nod sagely, comment on the difficulty of obtaining staff without numerical phobias of one kind or another, and ask where boots are currently to be found. SR says boots are on the van, which is about 15 miles away as we speak, and that he will deliver them personally to our home that very same evening. Boots fail to arrive. 10 November 2009 Partner and I visit SR to enquire about non-delivery of boots, and to establish their current availability. SR states that his partner is having problems with pregnancy, and that he was with her in hospital 25 miles away, causing him to forget about boots. We offer sympathies, and ask where boots are to be found at this moment in time. SR states that boots are on the premises, but in a store-room attached to the back of the shop. He further comments that he cannot get the boots right now because workmen are performing key modifications to the store-room, rendering boots inaccessible until at least 17:00 hours (GMT). He promises delivery of boots to our address at 17:15 that very same evening. Boots fail to arrive. . . . I can't be too critical of the shoe repairer. There are, after all, four key elements involved in successful shoe-repairing. These are (1) taking in the boots for repair (2) accepting the payment (3) repairing the boots and (4) returning the boots to the owner. He has a strong handle on items (1) and (2), of that there can be no doubt. In fact, he excels in those departments. With item (3) the jury is still out. Only item (4) is a function he definitely needs to brush up on. Therefore he has mastered at least 50% of the required elements of shoe-repairing, with only the other 50% remaining a work-in-progress. Our plan is to visit the shoe repairer every week from now until approximately the end of eternity, in order to add to our growing collection of excuses for the non-delivery of the boots, and to publish an anthology of them at some time in the future, possibly ready for Christmas 2020. 
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#2
11-11-2009, 07:26 AM
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Apparently Nelson Mandela visited his cobbler the day after his release from Ellis Island to collect the shoes he'd put in for repair before his detention.
The cobbler told him they'd be ready Tuesday!
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#3
11-11-2009, 08:10 AM
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Never shoulda given the elves new clothes.
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#5
11-11-2009, 08:23 AM
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I commend the OP for his good humour in putting up with this. I suspect after the third excuse I would have purchased a new pair of boots, gone back to the cobbler and given him a good kicking with them. You know, just to break them in a bit.
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#8
11-11-2009, 10:27 AM
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Is the cobbler close enough that you can go by the shop every day? If not can you call him every day to make a point that the annoyance of dealing with you as a customer is not worth the extra value he gets from rubbing your boots all over his body or whatever he is doing with them?
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#9
11-11-2009, 11:12 AM
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He wreaked them and is afraid to tell you or his pregnant wife is wearing them and he's afraid to get them back with her current temperament.
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#10
11-11-2009, 11:22 AM
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I just watched Seinfeld last night wherein Kramer took all of Jerry's sneakers to a shoe repair shop to help keep the place in business - repair shop went out of business anyway - Jerry's sneakers showed up at a garage sale in Parsnippany, NJ....If they were expensive designer boots, I would look for them on eBay.
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#11
11-11-2009, 11:22 AM
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Chez Guevara, you're very generous in your estimation of the 4 parts of successful cobbling. One would expect that the actual repair would carry a bit more weight than the other three. Of course, the fact that you may never be able to assess that capability makes it moot.
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#13
11-11-2009, 11:24 AM
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There are a couple of things to bear in mind here.
Firstly, I'm pretty sure the cobbler doesn't have a driver. It's a small business, and hiring a driver to deliver footwear to all and sundry doesn't seem like a practical proposition to me. (Especially a driver who dislikes the number 9.) In any case, a shoe repairing business normally employs a system whereby people drop of their shoes (or boots), pay the cobbler, and pick them up after a few days. A cobbler with a delivery driver is beyond my sphere of experience. Secondly, it's unlikely the cobbler has a store-room. Even if he does, it would be unwise to keep shoes in it because customers are wont to come in his shop and ask for them back, as promised. Also, if workmen are reconstructing a store-room, items contained therein may suffer damage from sledgehammers, and things like that. The cobbler is of East European origin. I suspect that he has lost the boots, or mistakenly given them to somebody else, and his culture does not permit him to lose face by telling us this. He is probably trying to get them back, as we speak. Of course, it could be that his pregnant partner liked the boots, so he gave them to her as an early Christmas present. Weekly visits are fine by us. Furthermore, as the excuses are so imaginative, we have become more interested in them than we are in the boots. I can't wait for next week. If the boots are there, I personally will be somewhat disappointed.
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#14
11-11-2009, 11:36 AM
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Quote:
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There's something I forgot. As an apology for yesterday's abortive visit to the shop, the guy gave us a ticket for a free heel repair anytime we want one. I had the choice of telling him that we didn't wish to add to his current collection of our boots, and that we would be avoiding his services (such as they are) like the plague from now on, or telling him that we were overjoyed at his generosity and couldn't thank him enough. Naturally, I chose the second option.
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#15
11-11-2009, 02:43 PM
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I just have to remark that this thread is the funniest thing I've read in months. I'm sitting here at my desk repeatedly bursting into fits of stifled guffaws and have had to wipe tears out of my eyes at three different points. And to think that I contemplated taking care of business matters on my lunch hour today instead of perusing the dope. This beats the hell out of paying utility bills.
This board has a much higher percentage of genuinely witty people than the general population, but this is a winner even by SDMB standards. I'm seeing Terry Jones as the nonaphobic delivery guy.
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#16
11-11-2009, 02:57 PM
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Okay, I think I might be seeing a hole in your cobbler's explanations. His nonaphobic partner was pregnant? But a full-term pregnancy is nine months plus nine days!
I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your cobbler might be embellishing the truth somewhat.
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#17
11-11-2009, 03:06 PM
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#18
11-11-2009, 03:12 PM
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Oops, looks like I had conflated the cobbler's driver with his partner. Nevermind -- the explanations sound perfectly reasonable now.
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#19
11-11-2009, 03:21 PM
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"Oh, sorry, my accountant with Tourette's accidentally shipped them to the Jakarta branch. They'll be back this afternoon."
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#20
11-12-2009, 12:23 AM
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#21
11-12-2009, 08:02 AM
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I know how this will end: with Chez Guevara getting one boot back at a point some years removed from now. It's like the old rhyme, you know: "Cobbler, cobbler, mend my shoe, have it done by September 5, 2013."
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#22
11-12-2009, 10:24 AM
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Oh come on, people. It's blindingly obvious that this "cobbler's shop" is in reality a front for an international terrorist organization. The boots mistakenly got included in with a shipment of yellowcake from Niger being sent to North Korea. You know how hard it is to get stuff back from North Korea?
When you get those boots back, I'd run them past a Geiger counter if I were you. Last edited by cjepson; 11-12-2009 at 10:26 AM.
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#23
11-12-2009, 10:33 AM
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#24
11-12-2009, 01:17 PM
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Your boots are half full of urine. Because there are no instructions on the heels, you'll never get them back. Next time, buy the "manager" boots, which have the instructions printed on the heels.
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#25
11-12-2009, 01:25 PM
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I sent a pair of shoes for heel repair to a place in San Diego (because they were the authorized repair place for that brand). I had the idea that the place is located in San Diego so that they can take them across the border and repair them cheaply in Mexico, although I have no evidence aside from the location.
So perhaps your Eastern European cobbler sent the boots off to his home country for repair there? How does his shop look? Do you see any tools or any other sign that he repairs shoes on premises?
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#26
11-12-2009, 01:43 PM
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Variation on These Boots Were Made for Walking.
You keep saying you've got something for me. something you call boots, but confess. You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin' and now someone else is gettin' all your boots. These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you. You keep lying, when you oughta be truthin' and you keep losin' when you oughta not bet. You keep scamin' when you oughta be changin'. Now what's right is right, but you ain't been right yet. These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you. You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin and you keep thinkin' that you´ll never get burnt. Ha! I just found me a brand new red hot cobbler yeah and what he know you ain't had time to learn. Are you ready boots? Start walkin'!
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#27
11-12-2009, 02:12 PM
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Quote:
Cars in the USSR are hard to come by. You must fill out extensive paperwork and pay $50,000. And still, after you have paid, you must wait ten years for your car to be delivered to you. So, a man goes to the car dealer, fills out his paperwork, and pays the $50,000. "That's all we need from you," says the dealer, "your car will be delivered to you in ten years." "Morning or afternoon?" the man asks. The dealer is puzzled. "It's ten years away, why should it matter?" The man replies, "The plumber is coming in the morning."
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#28
11-12-2009, 03:15 PM
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Frankly, I'm a bit suspicious that this whole thing is a fabrication by the England Tourism Board or something, trying to convince us Americans that England is all small towns chock full of eccentric Python-esque characters performing various old-fashioned but charming trades like shoe repair and numerogically-based excuse fabrication.
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#29
11-12-2009, 04:49 PM
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We'd probably wear out the heels on those shoes we still have, walking from the carpark to the shop and back seven times a week, with disastrous consequences for our rapidly diminishing shoe supplies.
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#30
11-12-2009, 04:52 PM
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The shop isn't part of a chain, and I'm fairly sure the owner is a sole trader. To be honest, it looks a bit down at heel, as if the owner is on his uppers.
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#31
11-12-2009, 05:19 PM
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Last edited by Robot Arm; 11-12-2009 at 05:20 PM.
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#32
11-13-2009, 12:19 AM
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It's quite simple, really: 1. Take Chez Guevara's boots. 2. ??? 3. Profit! This cobbler's isn't owned by Zaphod Beeblebrox, is it? It sounds like it'd be a handy companion operation to his "second hand biro" business. 
Last edited by Martini Enfield; 11-13-2009 at 12:20 AM.
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#33
11-13-2009, 12:40 PM
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#34
11-13-2009, 01:53 PM
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I'm thinking you should look around your place for other items needing the attention of local tradesmen. Surely the lawn mower blade needs sharpening, windows washed, an old couch refurbished, anything.
I wait in eager anticipation of your report.
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#35
11-13-2009, 04:16 PM
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#36
11-13-2009, 04:33 PM
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__________________
Talking Pictures
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#37
11-14-2009, 05:38 AM
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I'm definitely seeing this as more of a "cheese shop" variant:
Chez: My boots, perhaps? Cobb: Ah! We have your boots, yessir. Chez: You do! Excellent. Hand them over with all speed! Cobb: Oooooooh! Chez: What now? Cobb: The cat's eaten them. Chez: Has he? Cobb: She, sir....
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#38
11-14-2009, 01:01 PM
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Enjoying the story so far. I, too, hope the excuses don't end soon. 
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#39
11-16-2009, 02:00 AM
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I need to know as I am buying a home there, and won't ship my old boots if I can't get them repaired.
__________________
SecTech Make Technology Work For You.
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#40
11-16-2009, 07:01 AM
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A fabulous tale, I look forward to it's continuation, though no final conclusion is in sight. The whole thing makes me seriously consider damaging my boots and searching for a local cobbler...
just to see what happens...
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#41
11-16-2009, 07:09 AM
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#42
11-17-2009, 09:53 AM
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17 November 2009
Notice in shop window: To all our valued clients: We apologise for the inconvenience but the shop will be closed all week due to health reasons. Normal service will be resumed on 23 November. I don't think this message applies to us, not being valued clients and all, but the news that normal service will be resumed next week fills us with boundless joy, not least because we might yet be rewarded with another prodigiously wacky excuse. Incidentally, we've just looked at the slip we were given for a free heel repair (see post #14). It disappeared unscrutinised into the maw of my SO's handbag last week, but now we examine the thing, it appears to be written on the back of a raffle ticket. (For the record, it's ticket No. 4.) This alarming discovery opens up another possibility regarding the cobbler's modus operandi. We believe it's quite feasible that for every 100 pairs of boots he takes in for repair, the cobbler places the counterfoils in a hat and draws out 10 lucky winners who, as a prize, get their boots back. Date of next visit: 24 November.
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#44
11-17-2009, 02:47 PM
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#45
11-17-2009, 04:17 PM
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#47
11-18-2009, 10:01 AM
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#50
11-19-2009, 12:27 PM
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