I need a pit of horrible creatures to feed people to...what species should I use?

[Ranchoth]

I'm embarking on a political career in the near future, so I need some zoological advice for my palace architect. Namely, what kind of human-devouring animals should I stock the trapdoor pits with?

The criteria are: A) They have to be capable of skeletonizing a human body—within an hour or two, if possible, though anything under a work week will do, while B) Leaving said skeleton as intact as possible, for use in assembling garden decorations, and C) The creatures' habitat has to be something that can reasonably be built under the floor of a non-dedicated building (a half-million gallon salt water tank, for instance, wouldn't be "reasonable").

I think this barely counts as a GQ, kinda. So...any thoughts?

[Jackmannii]

Canis familiaris jackrusselianus.

[Hypno-Toad]

Pigs. The bonus is that you can make bacon afterwards.

[Mangetout]

Assuming they can be adequately contained and entertained when you're not killing people, maybe a large colony of one of those tropical species of 'army ants'?

[Mangetout]

Originally Posted by Hypno-Toad

Pigs. The bonus is that you can make bacon afterwards.

In Soviet Russia, Bacon eat You!

[Erdosain]

Originally Posted by Hypno-Toad

Pigs. The bonus is that you can make bacon afterwards.

I would have said pigs too, just on the basis of Deadwood and Snatch. However, the OP wants the skeletons intact. It's my understanding (again, based on the super scientific basis of Brick Top's monologue in Snatch) that pigs chew through human bones "like butter."

If the OP wants skeletons intact AND skeletonization within hours, I think piranhas are your only bet. Good luck cleaning that fish tank.

[lieu]

Rats. Hundreds and hundreds of big, voracious rats.

[grimpixie]

Would a pit of Necrotizing fasciitis do the job - it would't be much to look at to be sure...?

[Mangetout]

Originally Posted by grimpixie

Would a pit of Necrotizing fasciitis do the job - it would't be much to look at to be sure...?

More than made up for by the smell, I expect.

[lazybratsche]

Museums and taxidermists use dermestid beetles to prepare their skeletons. They'll take a fresh corpse and give you nice clean bones in a few weeks, faster if you've got a big hungry colony. Of course, they won't be able to kill your prisoners, so you'll have to do that yourself before chucking the prisoners in the pit. Or just make it a really deep pit...

Do I get bonus points for linking to a place that can actually stock your pit of doom?

[billfish678]

Barbarella had it right.

Parakeets, lots of parakeets. Clip the wing feathers so they can't fly out of the pit. Should be a nice slow death.

[ZomZom]

The first batch of humans become canibals for subsequent batches.

[LSLGuy]

Skeletons don't stay intact if the eater is big enough to disturb the bones. The meat & such is what holds the bones together.

If you use dog-sized or bigger critters, they're gonna scatter the bones all over the pit, even if we assume they can't eat any of them. Even rats will disturb all the small bones and some of the big bones.

I think about a jillion of those beetles are the solution. The victims get some nice psychological torture down there chest deep in the seething bugs they know will eat them once they die of thirst / starvation. Or they could try to stay alive a bit longer by eating the bugs.

But you'll need to design the floor as a raisable grate with holes small enough for the bugs to drop through. After a few victims have been cleaned, just raise the floor a few feet leaving most of the bugs to fall through. Retrieve the skeletons that are finished enough, then lower the strainer back into the bugs to get back to work. You'll lose a few bugs each time, but they're fast reproducers & have plenty of food.

[Mangetout]

Originally Posted by lazybratsche

Museums and taxidermists use dermestid beetles to prepare their skeletons. They'll take a fresh corpse and give you nice clean bones in a few weeks, faster if you've got a big hungry colony. Of course, they won't be able to kill your prisoners...

Are they polite enough to wait until you're dead to start eating you? If you're standing naked, waist deep in the critters, and assuming they are happy enough to eat freshly-dead things, aren't they going to start eating you straight away, bringing about your death in the process?

[pancakes3]

ants

[Sunspace]

Well, I guess my plan involving tentacles is out then...

[stpauler]

There was the urban myth of the ratel, aka honey badger, that was going around Iraq eating people.

[MeDrewNotYou]

Originally Posted by Ranchoth

I'm embarking on a political career in the near future, so I need some zoological advice for my palace architect. Namely, what kind of human-devouring animals should I stock the trapdoor pits with?

The criteria are: A) They have to be capable of skeletonizing a human body—within an hour or two, if possible, though anything under a work week will do, while B) Leaving said skeleton as intact as possible, for use in assembling garden decorations, and C) The creatures' habitat has to be something that can reasonably be built under the floor of a non-dedicated building (a half-million gallon salt water tank, for instance, wouldn't be "reasonable").

I think this barely counts as a GQ, kinda. So...any thoughts?

I was going to suggest a sarlaac, but I'm guessing a thousand years of digestion is a bit much to ask.

As for requirement C, I'd guess a juvenile might fit in a swimming pool sized sand box. They might even digest faster too!

[kopek]

Originally Posted by Hypno-Toad

Pigs. The bonus is that you can make bacon afterwards.

Save some for the gators and you can have some lovely shoes and clothes.

[lazybratsche]

Originally Posted by Mangetout

Are they polite enough to wait until you're dead to start eating you? If you're standing naked, waist deep in the critters, and assuming they are happy enough to eat freshly-dead things, aren't they going to start eating you straight away, bringing about your death in the process?

I don't know. I haven't seen or used these beetles often, but they don't seem particularly ferocious. They're more like carpet beetles that happen to have a knack for nibbling flesh from bones. In moderate quantities, I'd guess that they'd be easy enough for the victim to brush off. A waist-deep layer might work, but they might be too stressed out to efficiently strip meat from bones in a situation like this.

I think this calls for some experiments... If the OP has some funding (and, er, experimental subjects) I'd be happy to submit a research proposal...

[Turek]

Originally Posted by Mangetout

Are they polite enough to wait until you're dead to start eating you? If you're standing naked, waist deep in the critters, and assuming they are happy enough to eat freshly-dead things, aren't they going to start eating you straight away, bringing about your death in the process?

That was my question, although the username/question combo wasn't near as appropriate.

[Darryl Lict]

How about a pool of piranha? That should fit reasonably well in a large basement. Just nick up your enemy a bit to get them bleeding pretty good and bind the legs and arms so that they don't thrash around too much.

[MrDibble]

Screwworms. Lots of screwworms.

[Mama Zappa]

Originally Posted by lazybratsche

I don't know. I haven't seen or used these beetles often, but they don't seem particularly ferocious. They're more like carpet beetles that happen to have a knack for nibbling flesh from bones. In moderate quantities, I'd guess that they'd be easy enough for the victim to brush off. A waist-deep layer might work, but they might be too stressed out to efficiently strip meat from bones in a situation like this.

I think this calls for some experiments... If the OP has some funding (and, er, experimental subjects) I'd be happy to submit a research proposal...

Depending on whether the OP is going for entertainment value as well, or merely wants efficiency, one can drop the human visitors into the pit live but tied up, or dead.

Of course, if the "live but tied up", the bonds would need to be constructed of something the beetles won't chew through. Would they eat rope? I suspect metal cables or plastic would hold up well enough until the victim no longer had any fight left in him/her.

[Malleus, Incus, Stapes!]

Originally Posted by Mangetout

Assuming they can be adequately contained and entertained when you're not killing people, maybe a large colony of one of those tropical species of 'army ants'?

I'm seconding this. Nasty enough to strip you down to the bone, small enough not to disturb those bones very much, and they're insects, presumably having quick life cycles.

[Meeko]

I don't know about how fatal they would be, but I would throw some horned toads into your pit.

They spit blood. Out of their eyes, no less.

That way you could scare them half to death, and let the rest of the pit take over.

[Kobal2]

I'd suggest carrion birds. Large vultures if you can spare the expense, crows if you are more of a budget evil Overlord. Simply tie your victim up on the roof (or in your spacious aviary, again if we're not sparing any expense) and let the little darlings eat 'em alive. The bones might get scattered a bit, but they'll be cleaned very thoroughly. I'm told the birds start with the eyes, too. So there's that wholesome sadistic appeal to it that the whole family can enjoy.

And if you want to get medieval on their ass, there's no shortage of vintage gibbets to be bought, either.

ETA : as a plus side, since they're outside your palace, there's little in the way of cleaning the pits, which get smelly. And a bunch of circling vultures over your domain has a definite cachet.

[Dr. Drake]

What about moray eels? At least you'd have tradition on your side.

[Saltire]

I think beetles, but have some spikes in the bottom of the pit to prepare the object of your displeasure for the insect's feast.

[Whack-a-Mole]

Originally Posted by Mangetout

Assuming they can be adequately contained and entertained when you're not killing people, maybe a large colony of one of those tropical species of 'army ants'?

I'll third this.

I recall a friend reading (I think, been a long while now) a book called "The Red Tent" and she described a bit in there where this village in Africa had to pick up and move everything they could across the river because a huge swarm of army ants (or some kind of ant) was moving through. Apparently these things are biological Hoovers and just strip everything in their path. Any animal overrun, even big animals, are doomed. She said the villagers kinda liked it since the ants essentially gave the village a super deep clean. Vermin, other bugs...whatever...all cleared away.

So, I think such ants are ornery enough and dangerous enough in numbers and industrious enough to get the job done.

ETA: The scarabs in the movie "The Mummy" looked adept at this. Undoubtedly creative license was taken but not sure if scarabs would really go to town on people like that or not.

[Mama Zappa]

Originally Posted by Saltire

I think beetles, but have some spikes in the bottom of the pit to prepare the object of your displeasure for the insect's feast.

Oh, excellent! This way there'll be blood for them to smell, which one would assume would help them take notice of the newly-arrived dinner.

I still think that the guest should be bound in some way. Hard to drop them onto spikes with enough accurace to be sure that the arms/legs are sufficiently immobilized; if the soon-to-be-dinner is able to flail, the poor beetles might get squashed just for doing their jobs .

I'm really thinking too much about this, aren't I?

[simple homer]

Originally Posted by Kobal2

I'd suggest carrion birds. Large vultures if you can spare the expense, crows if you are more of a budget evil Overlord. Simply tie your victim up on the roof (or in your spacious aviary, again if we're not sparing any expense) and let the little darlings eat 'em alive. The bones might get scattered a bit, but they'll be cleaned very thoroughly. I'm told the birds start with the eyes, too. So there's that wholesome sadistic appeal to it that the whole family can enjoy.

And if you want to get medieval on their ass, there's no shortage of vintage gibbets to be bought, either.

ETA : as a plus side, since they're outside your palace, there's little in the way of cleaning the pits, which get smelly. And a bunch of circling vultures over your domain has a definite cachet.

I like the way you think !
Only problem with a carrion bird is that the victim needs to be dead first....

[dracoi]

Hagfish.

I don't know about rapid skeletonization but they'll get the job done - even on whales - given enough time. In the meantime, they're burrowing under your skin to get at the best parts, all while producing gallons of slimy mucus. (Yes, gallons. If you've ever held a hagfish, you know that they can produce orders of magnitude more mucus than you could possibly imagine.)

[Freudian Slit]

Komodo dragons!

[gonzomax]

Army ants. Lots of them.
Piranha in a water tank. Need to cut them first.

[Kobal2]

Originally Posted by simple homer

Only problem with a carrion bird is that the victim needs to be dead first....

Not necessarily. He/she just has to be restrained and/or sedated somewhat. Surely the OP has people to do that for him. Besides, if all else fails, I'm sure starvation and dehydration will eventually result in a complacent subject.

[ianzin]

Originally Posted by Freudian Slit

Komodo dragons!

I've been to Komodo Island to visit the dragons, and I've even stood close enough to them to touch them (not that I actually did). They are not a good choice, in any way.

First of all, very hard to obtain, transport and keep in captivity.

Secondly, they do not naturally predate on people, despite all the rumours and despite the occasional fatality which can only be attributed to a rather freakish combination of factors. On Komodo Island itself, kids will carry on playing in the path while dragons walk along nearby, showing complete mutual indifference (I've seen this with my own eyes). Dragons want to hunt and kill smaller things, like wild goats or sometimes wild boars.

Thirdly, the dragons only get aggressive and predatory for a short time in the afternoon. They spend all morning in a very sluggish, torpid and normally rather motionless state, 'sunning' themselves to get enough energy to go hunting.

Fourthly, if you use more than one of them, it will be hard to stop them fighting among themselves instead of attacking the visitors as intended.

Fifthly, even if you do get the plan to work, no way will you be left with an intact
skeleton. Anything a Komodo dragon kills will look a very sorry mess afterwards.

I know too much about this, don't I?

[tanstaafl]

OK, all you need to do is to breed some Chihuanhas...

[Freudian Slit]

But the image of komodo dragons viciously tearing flesh from bodies is so awesome! Can't you leave me with my fantasy? Or at least come up with a creepy lizard that WILL do my bidding?

[ianzin]

Originally Posted by Freudian Slit

But the image of komodo dragons viciously tearing flesh from bodies is so awesome! Can't you leave me with my fantasy? Or at least come up with a creepy lizard that WILL do my bidding?

You're right... I apologise for spitting in your cornflakes. Facts be damned. Yes! Komodo dragons! I've seen these viscious, bloodthirsty brutes up close and personal and by God, they'd do the job perfectly! You'd see razor sharp teeth and claws ripping into flesh and sinew with astounding savagery, eviscerating the raw, bloodied flesh with the practised ease of a natural born killer, tearing muscle and skin from the clean-pick'd bone with truly horrific speed and sickening thoroughness. They are very much the Terminators of the animal kingdom - vile, disgusting killing machines that knows nothing of restraint or compassion. No problem - give them a small pit area to call their own, toss people in and watch the fun. And dragons are known for leaving the skeleton almost perfectly intact. An ideal choice.

[Mangetout]

How about plain old blowfly maggots? - again, I think if the political dissident is immersed in them to his or her neck, they're not going to wait to start munching, especially if they can find a handy orifice to get in through.

[Freudian Slit]

Originally Posted by ianzin

You're right... I apologise for spitting in your cornflakes. Facts be damned. Yes! Komodo dragons! I've seen these viscious, bloodthirsty brutes up close and personal and by God, they'd do the job perfectly! You'd see razor sharp teeth and claws ripping into flesh and sinew with astounding savagery, eviscerating the raw, bloodied flesh with the practised ease of a natural born killer, tearing muscle and skin from the clean-pick'd bone with truly horrific speed and sickening thoroughness. They are very much the Terminators of the animal kingdom - vile, disgusting killing machines that knows nothing of restraint or compassion. No problem - give them a small pit area to call their own, toss people in and watch the fun. And dragons are known for leaving the skeleton almost perfectly intact. An ideal choice.

Cool. Have they released a winged edition yet?

[Der Trihs]

Originally Posted by Mangetout

How about plain old blowfly maggots? - again, I think if the political dissident is immersed in them to his or her neck, they're not going to wait to start munching, especially if they can find a handy orifice to get in through.

That depends; some kinds simply refuse to eat live tissue, and are actually used in "maggot therapy" specifically because they'll eat only the dead flesh from a wound. It would be a shame for your Pit of Maggoty Doom to have therapeutic uses, all because you chose the wrong maggot species.

[MrDibble]

Originally Posted by Der Trihs

That depends; some kinds simply refuse to eat live tissue, and are actually used in "maggot therapy" specifically because they'll eat only the dead flesh from a wound. It would be a shame for your Pit of Maggoty Doom to have therapeutic uses, all because you chose the wrong maggot species.

That's why I suggested screwworms. Blowflies' nastier cousins, who are perfectly happy munching their own way into live things.

[ianzin]

Originally Posted by Freudian Slit

Cool. Have they released a winged edition yet?

Of course. Commoner on the eastern coast of the island, as I recall, where the trees are a bit taller. Not magnificent flyers, to be fair, but fond of gliding among higher thermal currents wearing a rather lofty air of effortless superiority. They are known to be capable of predatory sorties from the air, although the flapping of their gigantic, leathery wings tends to alert prey. For this reason they generally prefer to hunt on the ground as it involves more cunning sneakiness.

[Gyrate]

I can't believe no one has suggested "sharks with freakin' lasers" yet. Or at least mutated sea bass.

But in reality, I'd go for some sort of nasty breed of ants.

[Lemur866]

If you want the skeletons more or less intact, and have a pretty limited budget, it's hard to go wrong with good old Rattus norvegicus. Being eaten alive by a swarm of thousands of rats is pretty gruesome. And you don't have to deal with specialized breeding as you would for some of these exotic insects. Rats will thrive in any old pit, as long as you toss them enough food.

[BestWifeEver]

Originally Posted by Ranchoth

I'm embarking on a political career in the near future, so I need some zoological advice for my palace architect. Namely, what kind of human-devouring animals should I stock the trapdoor pits with?

[mentalnote] Vote for Ranchoth in any upcoming elections. Don't go near any trapdoors...[/mentalnote]

[Nunzio Tavulari]

Insects may be efficient but they are so lacking in drama.

Death pit construction is a specialized field and completely unionized, no illegals. If someone is willing to go to this expense then I'm guessing that they'll want to view the spectacle once in a while, or at least listen for anguished screams.

You need big carnivores for excitement. Tigers. Grizzly bears. I'm partial to wolves myself, the struggle lasts a bit longer. Toss a few carrion birds in the pit as well. They'll do cleanup and won't bother the executioner.

In addition, insects are good climbers, can squeeze through narrow gaps and can conceal themselves in the hired helps clothing when they retrieve the bones. You just know that some will find their way out of the pit and into your sleeping quarters. A slave with a grudge could sneak a few screw worms under the sheets without you noticing, but most would recognize if there was a cougar under the comforter.

As for the million gallon salt-water tank, be creative! There's no reason why you can't construct your evil liar with a nice ocean view and a chute leading a large shark cage constructed at cliffside. Naturally, the sharks would be _inside_ this particular enclosure.

All in all, I'm against the idea of the animal pit. Auxiliary feedings, cleanup, veterinary bills, it's too much bother. I prefer the simple Goldfinger device. A flat table with restraints and a top mounted laser.

[santiago42]

If you're worried about your victims brushing off or smacking insects, just slide an ice pick through one of your victims vertebrae, just high enough up the spinal column to turn him (or her) into a quadriplegic before tossing him into the pit. Or, if feeling truly sadistic, place your victim upright in the pit so they can watch their bodies being consumed. Hours of fun for the whole family.