Keep in touch with your children. Stay part of their lives.
Even if you can’t stand their mom.
Even if they don’t seem to be interested in you.
Even if you’ve moved far away.
Even if you have to go to court to do so.
Even if you think they’re better off without you.
Even if you’re not comfortable around children.
Even if the way their mom’s raised them means they have very different values than you do.
Even if their mom’s remarried, and the new husband’s a good guy, so you don’t think they need you.
Even if you’re not sure they’re yours - if they’re being raised to think of you as their father, then act as one.
Even when they’re 14 and they’d rather spend time with their friends than spend the weekend (or Spring Break, or Summer Vacation) with you.
Even if you’ve remarried and/or started another family, and you don’t want to be reminded of the bad times with your ex.
Reach out, and often. Birthday, holidays, etc at a minimum; more often, if you can.
Let them know that you love them; that you think of them often. Know who they are as (small) people, know what they like and dislike. Let them get to know you.
Don’t ever get to the point where you’re afterthoughts in each other’s lives.
You’re the adult; it’s your responsibility to reach out to them. Keep trying. Let them love you.
My ex, who left in 1977, recently passed away. I was contacted by the city police, asking
if I knew the man. I said I did, and gave particulars - then I phoned our children, now ages 38 and 35, to tell them their father had died, alone in his apartment.
They said, “Too bad.” When pressed, they said, “He never cared enough to keep in contact, unless he wanted something from us. He never even said he was sorry. It’s like some third or fourth cousin died, you know, like someone we’re related to but only saw at weddings and funerals. We had no connection with our father at all, after he left.”
Neither of them were interested in attending their father’s funeral. As the older child said, in anger, “You reap what you sow, eh? Too darn bad.”
Please keep in touch with your children.
an seanchai
In the United States, if such a situation arises, then our laws have failed to channel the man’s sexual urges into responsible procreation, and so the children are more worthless to us than the man himself - or the mother for that matter. We must not offer any empathy or help in the way of community, social or spiritual support, or material goods or education. We have failed the father, and hence ourselves, and the children, well, they are an unfortunate byproduct of “irresponsible procreation”, but that is not our problem, they will be left to fend for themselves.
Things I learned from the closing arguments of the Prop 8 Trial in California this week.
Just got off the phone with my father he’s 64. My mother and he divorced when I was 6 the extent of my contact with him was phone calls on my birthday and christmas to this day. He lives only 1.5 hours away. There was the occasional visit now and then but soon ended when I became and adult and when he remarried. He had two more kids and eventually divorced his wife.
I’ve always invited him to stop by if he happened to be in town. But I know he’s feeling alot of guilt and may even be nervous to be around me. But for the past 10 years I’ve been calling him on his birthday which was last week and on fathers day every year, and always end the coversation with I love you pops.
I don’t want no “I should of” thoughts in my head at his funeral.
I hope it made you feel good and upright to put that list up. It’s easy to say, and honestly kind of borderline arrogant for you to be making these proclamations. In the real world there does come a point for most human beings where if enough barbed wire and barriers are put in front of someone that impedes access to your kids many people will have to give up fighting from lack of funds, time and simply exhaustion in fighting a belligerent SO who has more resources than they do.
I am a divorced father with adult children who are 19 and 23. I divorced in 1996. While my kids are local, after the divorce I still had to fight a exhausting gauntlet of stupidity with an obstreperous ex who would fight me at every turn in access until the kids misbehaved or failed academically due to her “hands off” parenting style re academics. At that point she would turn to me and demand that I be the enforcer and “fix” the problem which naturally endeared me to them, when I would try to put some structure and responsibility into a consequences free and non-parental oversight lifestyle they were quite content to keep living.
This, by itself, was exhausting enough, and I’m only 10 miles from the kids and there was no other father figure in the way. If they were far away, and there was another dad, and I had to get a court order etc. etc. every time I wanted to see them there may well have been a point where I would have largely given up trying to be an active presence in their lives.
It’s easy to put up lists, but life is difficult and complex and there is a point at which people can be broken. Try not to be so arrogant in making statements about what other people should do.
Well said astro. Father’s Day is not the happiest time for quite a few of my male friends. It really hurts to lose your family, your kids, to be powerless. I called my (separated from) husband today to say thanks, but I think a lot about my mate who got divorced, the ex got married again and told the 4 and 6 year old that he had died. Please don’t underestimate what heartbroken means. Try turning up Sunday after Sunday to find she’s taken them off to avoid you. That dad spent many a Sunday crying in the corner of our house, shaking. Sure there are plenty of dads who just can’t be bothered, but many have to throw in the towel for the sake of their sanity.
Astro is right. While the father should strive to be with his children, it is sometimes nearly impossible. The way the legal system is, it is a constant fight.
Hey I am not making it up. That was in large part the closing argument of a case justifying not letting men and women marry each other, that is as sure a bet to make it to the Supreme Court as can be made. That is what the trial record is going to show what proponents think of the relationships between human beings, many of whom happen to be fathers. The basis of their argument centers around the state’s need to “channel irresponsible procreation”. I can’t make this stuff up!
In fact, after I left him - all amicable, moved just a couple miles away, kid at the same school, no custody fights, no restrictions. He lost about 20lbs of weight and he wasn’t overweight, was unable to get himself going (he’s self employed) and after about a month said he could see why men just run away from these situations. He said he’d just have to erase the entire 10 years of marriage and kid from his mind, it was just too hard to bear. He kept that up for three months while I held my breath. He came back around to continue his best dad ever role, lucky for me and of course the small one. I never played any games with him concerning the child, so this man up attitude doesn’t sit well with me. It’s tough even in the best of circumstances.
astro, it sounds like you were there for your kids even in a tough situation, and I am sure that they are able to understand and appreiciate what you did for them, even when their mom made it difficult for you—Enjoy your Fathers Day!!!
There are some Dads children truly are better off without. Their Mother’s and girlfriends and buddies often rib, jibe, glurge and rant them into continuing to insist upon being in the child’s life.
If you know for fact that your children are better off without you, then please for the love of Pete, stand up to those other folks and do what’s right: leave them the hell alone. Don’t let people who don’t know the whole story alter your judgment of what’s best for the child.
There are much, much worse things than never knowing you Father.
That said, if you truly are the innocent victim of a domineering or unreasonable co-parent, I hope you’ll stand firm and use whatever means you can to let your children know that they are loved.
I am sure the OP had good intentions. Why be so hard on such a positive note?
Maybe some custodial parents do make it really hard, but some of us did everything we could to try to keep up the relationships, yet the father just didn’t give a shit about his daughter, and that’s how it was with my own father. My father has had the opportunity to build a relationship with me for 40 years but he continues to flush every chance down the toilet. My father has rejected me most of my life, going as far as claiming I’m not his to MY FRIEND. I am clearly his child. There is no doubt. He just didn’t want to be bothered with me. Nobody told him he couldn’t see us. A court had to order him to help raise us and he still refused to pay his share. He made it so hard on my mom, but she performed as both parents like a CHAMP.
And I don’t know. Maybe it was for the best because he’s not so great, but looking at the relationships he’s had with other people apparently he’s not a BAD man, not exceptionally BAD, so why the hell won’t he have anything to do with me? Do you know what it’s like to know your parent just can’t be bothered to build any sort of relationship? If so, you understand what the OP is talking about.
And you non-custodial parents who have it hard, I’m very sorry. But it looks like you’re STILL doing everything you can. My father couldn’t even be bothered to call me when he moved to town.
I’m sorry but this is just a really hard, crappy day for me.
I’d probably forgive my father in a heartbeat if he made the effort. I never learn.
Just because custodial parent makes things hard doesn’t mean it has to be that way forever. It might take a lot more work if they’re adults, but don’t think there’s no hope if you really want a relationship with your child. It’s worth the effort.
This. Except that my father died last year, and the hardest part of it wasn’t so much losing him (he had never really been part of my life) as realizing that now, we’re never going to have a chance to have an actual relationship.
If he had tried to keep in contact - even a little - when I was a kid, when I was a teenager, we might have gotten a chance to bond. We could have gotten to know each other.
But as it was, my mom had to call him to remind him that he hadn’t called me in over a year, and hadn’t seen me in two, and maybe he should do something like that? Which he would respond to by calling me, and we’d talk awkwardly for a couple minutes, and that would be it for a long time.
It wasn’t rejection - it was total apathy. Which is, in some ways, worse.
My ex and I divorced when my son was almost three years old. Even though we lived in the same town, I only got to see him every other weekend. The man that she married (who refused to say a single word to me) got to spend more time with him than I did- I felt like, at best, a distant uncle.
My son is now 22 years old. We live halfway across the US from each other, and I rarely get to see him. Facebook, at least, lets me know what he’s doing- just a few weeks ago, I saw that he needed some tools for his bicycle, so I ordered him a few things through Amazon.
This Father’s Day? Nothing. No call, not even a “Happy Father’s Day” message over Facebook.
Growing up, I never had a father. Father’s Day is a painful day for me.
Do you really expect men to raise children who were fathered by other men? I don’t know many women who raise the children of their ex-lovers and the woman he cheated on her with. Isn’t it a bit much to expect men to act as fathers for the rest of their lives because a woman committed paternity fraud against them?
I’m obviously not talking about adoption or being a stepfather or anything like that.
Maggie, if my dad saw your post, I’m sure he would weep. I’ve pushed him out of my life, and he’s fought for a long time to stay in it. I would love, LOVE, to have a relationship with him. However, he stubbornly insists on remaining married to my mother … and she is a giant ball of psychotic evil. For my own sake, to protect myself from her, I had to finally sit her down, look her in the eyes, and tell her she was no longer part of my life. Him, I don’t really have a problem with - he’s kind of a garden-variety asshole, that’s all - but he steadfastly defends her to me and stands by her. Marriage vows and all, I guess. He’s never protected me from her.
I called him on Father’s Day - I don’t know why, I’m not sure what I was expecting - and it went to v/m. I left a message, haven’t heard back.
Look, I’m not happy about this. At all. I had to stop typing halfway through this because I’m sobbing almost uncontrollably, and I’m at WORK, ferchrissakes. I’m not even sure why I’m sharing all this here.
This thread makes me very sad. Admittedly, there have been times (sometimes years) that my dad and I rarely spoke**, though never really having to do with animosity on either side, we just kind of live separate lives. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I was never fond of his batshit (now ex-)wife.
But I know he’s always loved me. Even when he had his own trials that took all of his energy and left none to help guide me through mine, I know that deep down I’m his proudest accomplishment and that I am and will always be loved. That’s of the most genuine gifts that a parent can give to their child.
While I realize that circumstance and terrible ex’s can prevent you from gaining the type of access to your children that you deserve, if you have an opportunity to speak to them, remember to let them know that you love them no matter what. It goes a long way in a kids life. It really does.
**Fortunately, we’re now very close, talk every week, keep in contact on Facebook and my boyfriend and I make the 400 mile drive to see him a few times a year.