My Son's Father Resurfaces After 14 Year Absence (So very long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I don’t really need advice, although you could give it if you really feel a pressing need. Just wanted to share this long and tawdry story with my buddies here.

So I never married my youngest son’s father. We did live together but I left him when son was 5 months old, due to his extreme abuse and general craziness. I know a lot of people say that their ex is bipolar, or narcissistic, or psycho/sociopathic, but really, he is actually all of these. I thought maybe he was bipolar while we were together, but I was pretty ignorant of that form of mental illness back then, and wasn’t really sure, and he didn’t take medication, and definitely wasn’t the kind of person you would outright ask about something like that. But he was and still is very charming, and would have almost anyone believing he’s an awesome person who would do anything for you, when the truth is, he’s a very manipulative sociopath who would do almost anything TO you. We stayed in touch for a while after I left him, but after a couple of years, he disappeared and stayed underground and could not be found.

Anyway, all this time goes by with no phone calls, no letters, no smoke signals, no telepathic messages, no nothing, especially no child support. Which I was okay with, really- knowing how he really was, the last thing I wanted was for him to be in my son’s life, and I always felt that we both were better off with him just gone and staying gone and that was fine with me.

In February of this year, I (long story) got in touch with his adult daughter and son from other mothers, and I learned even more about what a scary and disturbed person he is and what he’d done to them, and that only reinforced my belief that it was good that he’d disappeared and the right thing. His daughter (who he’d told me about) and I have actually become very close friends and I love her dearly, as she is a wonderful person. His other son (who he didn’t tell me about) - meh, I know him, is about all I would say about him. He tries, he’s not a bad person, really, just not my cup of tea, but we stay in touch. He has a rather horrific story of what his father did to him at the age of 14, which REALLY solidified my resolve to never, ever let this man in the same room as my son, and he is still damaged about it to this day.

So anyway, a few weeks ago, I got a message in my “other” inbox on Facebook (you know about that, right?) from a social worker at a hospice in Yuma, asking me to call her. I knew right away what it had to be about, and I was right. Now Mr. Wonderful is dying (supposedly of cancer, but he won’t go to a doctor to confirm, but obviously has a tumor growing out of his side and other things) and wanted to contact his long-lost son. Ugh. I find it difficult to believe that he wants to clear his conscience, because he actually doesn’t have one. His daughter is very suspicious of all this- they have not had a good relationship since he left her, also at a very young age, and then a few years ago, hired a private detective to find her. Neither one of us can really find the angle he could be working here, though, so I, although on guard and protective, can find no reason to not let him speak to my son on the phone with me listening and write him letters which I read first. He wants us to get his SS death benefit and also for my son to get SS on his dad’s record after his death. Which really just kind of screws a lot of things up, because my son gets his own SSI which comes with Medicaid, which he really needs because he has a lot of medical problems, and you’re pretty much forced to take the dead parent SS benefits, which won’t come with Medicaid, so fuck.

So they’ve been talking on the phone and Mr. Wonderful has been writing letters. I knew that he would pour on the charm with my son and my son would be all, “OMG, he’s awesome!” and I tried to warn him that that wasn’t the case, but he’s pretty convinced at this point that his father has changed. Heh. Which, fine, if that’s what you need to believe, whatever, but still not getting into the same room. A couple of my friends have said that they wouldn’t allow contact at all, but I don’t feel that it’s really in my son’s best interest to not ever have contact or know his father at all. I can only think that if it were me, I’d want to at least have the chance to get to know my father before he died. So that’s what we’re doing.

I don’t really have any anger or hard feelings towards him still- I worked all of that out a long time ago in therapy. But I do remember how he treated me and the misery of it all and I know what he’s done to others and he just sucks as a human being. The one thing that I wanted in life was for him to know before he died that we all found each other and shared stories. Ha! That gives me so much joy, that he knows that he wasn’t successful in screwing over and screwing up so many people and then moving along to the next person and nobody ever knowing what he had done to others. That was so satisfying, to be able to tell him that.

So, anyway, yeah. There it is there.

I never have gotten used to how life goes- how things can be one way for so long and you’re all used to it and dealing, and then wham, things change and are another way. Isn’t it weird?

2

Question–was paternity ever legally established? If not, you may be able to avoid the change to your son’s current benefit situation.

3

Don’t do it.

4

+1

“Say”, says the overly-suspicious board poster with no vested interest.
“To get his SS death benefit, even if he was able to offer it, wouldn’t he need YOUR son’s SS#…? Hmmm… I wonder why he’d possibly want that…”

5

Unless his name being on the birth certificate counts, then no, it never was. Good point, thanks! I have a phone interview with SS on 12/18, so will find out more then. I’d really rather him keep his own benefits if possible.

6

What exactly is the question here?

7

Whatever “it” is that I shouldn’t do, it’s already being done. I am limiting this contact to supervised phone calls and letters. We now live across the country from him and won’t be going there, and he is now in a wheelchair, coughing up blood, on continuous morphine, etc., and won’t be able to come here, even if I did approve, which I wouldn’t. He literally will never be within 100 miles of my son, and I would kill or die to maintain that. Not happening.

I thought a lot about it, trust me. Not knowing his father has always bothered my son greatly- even though he would say it didn’t bother him, there would be tears in his eyes when he said it. Who am I to deny him the knowledge of his father? I’m not going to be the one to keep this from him. I can’t even imagine the anger towards me that he would have if I did keep this from him, and in the future, he found out that I did that. At this point, the man is harmless. One sideways word from him in a call or letter and that’s that, and that’s what I can do.

8

There’s no question. You’ll note that this isn’t in IMHO, it’s in Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share. I even said that I wasn’t asking for advice. Just sharing a story.

9

I’d probably suggest telling your son about some of the things that the guy did to his daughter and (other) son. While it might, largely, be a Hollywood thing for children to suddenly run away and try to cross the country to visit the parent that they were banned from seeing, there’s probably no value in risking it.

10

What is the point of people ever asking this?

11

Just because I’m nosy - up until “daddy” reappeared, what did your son know about him? Is he aware of how he treated pretty much everyone in his family? I know exes often try not to badmouth the absent spouse/partner to the kids, but it doesn’t sound like there’s a lot of good you could have said about this guy.

Not to mention the reappearance in the early teen years when kids are dealing with enough crap in their lives between school and hormones and finding themselves and maybe thinking about the future… You sound like you’re handling this well, all things considered. Good luck as the saga continues! I don’t know if I could be as sane in a similar situation.

12

I think you’ve done a hell of a job in a majorly unworkable situation. Every note you struck was just right with me. I admire that you can be circumspect enough to resist telling your son the full ugliness of his father’s behaviour to others, etc. Not a lot of people would/could choose that, I think. The careful monitoring, and the willingness to let him in at all, for your son’s sake. I don’t know that it could have been done better, truly.

I don’t think you need any advice, I think you got this shit covered! So instead I’ll offer you congratulations on managing a very, very treacherous path with wisdom and aplomb. Your son may not have won the Dad lottery, but he won the big prize in the Mom department, I think.

Well done! And keep that shit up!

13

He does know most of what his dad has done. Not all, but in didn’t want him to harbor a fantasy of this wonderful person being out there being kept from him for no reason.

Thanks, elbows, that’s very nice of you to say. I’m certainly not doing this alone- he has fairly extensive issues, medical and otherwise, and so has several counselors and mentors that I’m able to consult with.

14

I’m with elbows on this. I think you’ve handled it just right.

15

Because I’ve had to shield my son from some family members, I would tell my son that people love you in the best way they know how. It’s just that a relationship with them is not going to be positive for him.

16

Kid won’t believe it unless something similar has already happened to him. It’s pretty amazing, this fraternity of People Who Have Been Thorougly Screwed By Their Guardian… if you belong to it, you understand; if you don’t, you just don’t.

17

My daughter’s father was/is a physically abusive sociopath. We moved to get away from him when she was too young to remember him and lived in peace for years, until one day he located us and wanted to see her. I knew if I didn’t go along with it, he could get court-ordered visitation rights and under no circumstances could I risk her being alone with him ever, so I played nice and let him see her in my presence a couple of times. He could be fun and charming, like any good sociopath, so she thought he was fine. Of course he was still a sadistic monster, and after she overheard him expressing his pleasure that my family member had died a horrible death, she wanted nothing more to do with him ever.
Perhaps this dude will reveal his true nature to your son soon and he will decide for himself not to have him in his life. Maybe you can even encourage this along somehow?

18

The good thing about this situation is that it’s self-limiting. He’s dying. He says he’s dying as fast as he can. I said that I wouldn’t say that’s what I wanted. I didn’t say that I would prefer him to die slowly, and painfully, lol.

19

Alice, My dad was much like this fellow. I hope that I am just being too paranoid, but how do you know that what you are being told is accurate?

I am very suspicious about the truth of the story that this pathological liar is actually dieing. Do you have any outside conformation of this “fact”? Besides some random person saying that she is “a social worker at a hospice in Yuma”, (Arizona I presume). She may actually be an enabler who is just as sick as he is. They do seem to find each other.

What I am wondering is, if this is just a way to get you, his son, & his daughter, to let your guard down so that he can mess with you-all again? My dad did this to my siblings & I, once. Then he tried it again on many occasions after that.

Again, I hope that I am just being paranoid, & you have nothing to worry about.

I am with the others about your handling of this difficult situation, which you have done very well. Good job!

Hang in there, 48.

20

The only kind of proof I have is that his daughter and I googled the name and phone number of the social worker and they both went back to an actual hospice in Yuma. Even if he is running a scam, I’m much too guarded now for him to possibly get anything from me, especially my son. I’m extremely suspicious every step of the way and examine every detail plus talk them out with other suspicious people. I know that almost anyone can get taken by someone, but I’m pretty confident about what’s going on.