Absentee father wants back in after 8 years - uhh, now what?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So I’m the single mom of a 7-nearly-8-year-old Dumpling of Joy. Short version of the story: got pregnant at 17, was promised marriage by boyfriend who was joining the Army, opted against abortion, abandoned by boyfriend, had child alone. So, 8 years later, after many months of support from my (and only my) family, 3 years of living on my own, from low-paying to high-paying jobs but no time to attend college, Sperm Donor makes his usual every-two-years call saying he wants to get to know my son.

Okay, I’ve been through this before. He’s called and said as much before, and each time, it turns my life inside out. Each time, I tear myself up with guilt because of the not-small part of me that screams, “I have done ALL of the work! I have sat in emergency rooms with him while he has a 103-degree fever! I have helped him with his homework, bandaged his skinned knees, taken him to ballgames, cheered him on in soccer, watched cartoons with him, made him francheezies, taken him to the park, played catch, danced with him in the kitchen to oldies, sent him to his room for lying, washed his underwear, read the Willy Wonka books with him, and kissed him and told him I love him every night before bed. ME. I have done it all, and loved (most) every minute. Sperm Donor does not deserve to know him, claim him as his child, after all this time. It’s not fair. He is MY son, and his father will be the man we choose to give that title, if ever.”

And I feel guilty for thinking this, like my child is a possession. Because - and this is the rub - I don’t want to deprive the Dumpling of meeting his father, such as he is. I don’t want DJ to think I’m stopping him from meeting the Donor because I’m mean, or jealous, or whatever. Personally, knowing the Donor, I doubt that anything will come of this sudden paternal desire this time, as it hasn’t come to anything the last three times he’s done it, either. But I don’t know for sure - he seems pretty serious about it now - it just feels different.

Besides, if I did allow them to meet, what would I say? “Hey kiddo, meet your father”?! Last time around, I decided that if they did meet, I wouldn’t tell my son who the Donor really was, just introduce him as an old friend, until the Donor really showed an interest in maintaining a relationship. Of course, my son was two years younger then, and he’d probably pick up on the tension a lot more now.

I guess I could ask my son and allow him to make the decision, but I’m not sure that he can handle that.

Relevant specifics I should mention - I am in a relationship myself, with a very stable and good person (about 2-1/2 years now). We’re living together, and have agreed that if/when it comes to marriage, he will adopt my son. My son doesn’t call my boyfriend “dad” or anything, but my boyfriend is an authority figure in our home, and has established a warm relationship with my son. The Donor’s name is NOT on the birth certificate, so I don’t know that he would ever have a legal custody or visitation claim for my child (we’re in Illinois, and I’m looking into it). If you asked my son about his parents today, he’d say, “I don’t have a dad, just a mom.” - when he has questions, I answer them honestly, and have never bad-mouthed the Donor. I simply told him that his father and I didn’t agree on a lot of things, and that his father wasn’t ready or able to be a parent, so it was best that I raise him alone.

I want to make a reasoned decision. But so many emotions are wrapped up in this, I don’t trust my instincts. Has anyone here been in this sort of situation? Any insight or advice would be really, really appreciated.

By the way, anyone who feels the need to make sanctimonious “don’t get pregnant if you’re not married, duhhhh” remarks, I politely invite you to cram it.

2

I don’t think that he has any right to see your son immediately. I would start things really slowly. Tell him he can write letters for the next couple of months and maybe send a Christmas present. (Read the letters yourself first to make sure that he isn’t putting anything in them he shouldn’t.) If he is still interested after the new year you might permit a few phone calls. If the letters and phone calls keep coming then maybe a visit in the spring/summer. I would also mention interest in setting up a child support arrangement. I am willing to be the guy will have lost all interest before he even mails the first letter. And, he will never be able to say “your Mother wouldn’t let me have anything to do with you”.

If he doesn’t lose interest then you will have more confidence in his desire to stick around this time. And your child will have been gradually eased into meeting his father so it won’t be as stressful.

3

My husband was in a similar situation when he was a boy. His mother divorced his father when he was an infant, and then when he was older–I think about your son’s age–his father was allowed to start visiting him occasionally.

Unfortunately, after this had been going on for a while the father dropped out of sight again–wouldn’t even answer letters from his son. This, as you can imagine, was very painful.

Now his situation was somewhat different. His mother never dated again after she divorced, so there wasn’t really a man around the house, although he did have friends of the family and teachers he was close to. Also, the father in question was (and is) a very sick puppy. He was abusive, didn’t hold a job after he was 40 and, in my opinion is very mentally disturbed.

The main point, in my opinion, though, is you only want to do this if you think the father can be a reasonably steady presence in your son’s life. When he is older, it won’t matter so much, but he’s at a very vulnerable age, as I’m sure you know.

4

Thanks a bunch, zumba and cher. I should have mentioned that we’re in Illinois, and the Donor’s in North Carolina, so this has come up in part because he’s visiting the hometown in a couple of weeks. So I wish that he had contacted us earlier, and we could follow your excellent advice, zumba. Yeah, and child care is an issue, seeing as how he’s never helped out financially, either. It’s all so sudden.

Oh, god, cher, that’s exactly what I fear - that the Donor will be an in-and-out guy. I can’t stand the idea of my son being hurt like that. I can’t speak to the Donor’s current situation - I know he works for the government, and that’s all. I’m going to have to call him and speak at length - something I am loath to do.

5

Don’t move out of Illinois.

Illinois’ laws favor the mom more than just about any other state in the country.

IANAL, so I have no idea about the birth certificate thing - my WAG would be that he could force a DNA test if you tried to claim he wasn’t the father. That is, if he gets that serious about it to make it into a legal issue.

I have no advice on the more human aspect of your situation, but in Illinois, you have more control over how things will turn out than you would most other places, whatever you want that outcome to be.

6

All the more reason to say no this time and make him start a letter/phone relationship. It sounds like visiting his son is just an afterthought in his vacation plans. If it really means anything to him he can come back in six months. If he isn’t going to be visiting regularly you don’t want him around anyway.

7

I think you’re nailing it here.

8

Thanks for the info, bup

9

It’s also important that you talk to your son about this before the Donor shows up on your doorstep. You explained your feelings pretty well in the OP as to having paid your dues, and him not. Make sure DJ understands that this isn’t going to be like some TV show where the Donor visits all the time and is the dad he never had… more like an uncle or a friend of yours from high school who just wants to visit from time to time.

10

I (fortunately) have had nothing like the experiences of others here, so take this for what it’s worth, but try to remember that just because Donor was a prick in high school doesn’t mean he’s a prick now. Lots of us were pricks in high school. Nor does it mean he’s not a prick anymore, of course.

–Cliffy

11

I think the whole letters first, then phone class, then a present, then maybe a meeting is a good plan.

This is your child. He is not like a good bar that happens to be in town so if Spermy has a spare moment he might want to pick up a drink. He is not something to squeeze into the afternoon between meetings and dinner. He is a human being and a young, learning one at that.

Spermy failed and if he wants another chance at the whole relationship thing he’s going to have to prove that he is responcible, capable and caring. Them’s the breaks. You, as Mother, are supposed to protect your child from these things even, if not especially, from people whith the power to hurt your son (like Spermy).

Good luck.

12

Of course. It’ll be a tough talk, though.

You’re totally right, of course. I was a prick in high school, myself. Of course, it’s indicative of fundamental character whether a person runs when they’re in a tight spot or whether they step up to the plate.

Not that I’m being judgmental or anything. Perish the thought!

The more I calm down and think about it rationally, the more the letter-call-possible-visit plan sounds like a good one. And certainly, the sudden “hey, let’s meet! it’ll be great” phone call two weeks before he’s in town gives credence to the idea that it’s a matter of guilt-relieving convenience for him. Naturally my aim is to protect my child, but in doing so, I need to be sure that I don’t act out of vindictiveness, either - thus my worries. My first instinct was to tell him to fark off. I just need to be sure I’m doing the right thing for my Dumpling.

13

Maybe when he is in town, you could meet with him to discuss the situation. Perhaps in talking to him, you could better assess his motives. As others have said, and you seem to agree, he needs to “prove himself” before he can be allowed to disrupt your son’s life.

Also, how does your SO feel about it?

Random interjection of thoughts: The self-help/talk-show crowd is really into pushing the whole reconciliation and forgiveness agenda. But, sometimes, it’s better to just let sleeping dogs lie.

14

Personally, I’m not that forgiving of a guy.

The SD hasn’t done anything resembling parental responsibilities for eight years. And now he thinks that he can just pick up and get to know his son? I don’t think so.

Frankly, I think that if you just told him that you don’t think it’d be a good idea, he’d go away. He’s not interested in the time or commitment that would be required. He’s either curious or just maybe trying to ease up a little bit of guilt over being a piece of crap.
He most likely will never attempt to get legal parental rights as this would involve effort, money and time. He could end up on the hook for over eight years of back child support and would likely end up with very, very little actual ineraction with the child.

You don’t necessarily need to be a jerk. Just tell him that your son’s very well adjusted in his life right now and that this could really confuse your son and disrupt your family.

Here slightly off topic:
You could, of course, go after him in court for your eight years of child support. Money which could come in handy for your child’s future.

FWIW, my ex-wife’s going through something very similar right now, pursuing eight years worth of back child support from a guy who had nothing to do with his daughter. It took her 7 years to start because she didn’t want him involved at all.
Eventually, she realized that that money was a debt owed to his daughter, not to her, and she was going to go for it.

Anyway, good luck. I know it’s not an easy decision.
Make the decision you think is in the best interest of your son, not the SD. He had his chance.

15

Zumba the Cat is a genius. That’s so the right way to go. If he’s for real, and not just acting on a whim, he’ll go along with this. It would be wonderful for your little boy to start getting letters and things in the mail, and would make that first meeting a little easier. Also, if he suddenly wants to be a dad, why not suggest to him that a real father would be happy to start putting a little money away towards his son’s future? It might come to nothing, or it might net your son a few dollars towards college.

I hope he’s serious for your son’s sake. I’ve known people hurt by fathers who show no interest, then suddenly appear and expect to be a part of their lives, only to disappear again. You should be able to rely upon your father, he should be constant. Why don’t some men get this?

16

Zumba The Cat’s recommendations are great and similar to ones a counselor for school age children would recommend and awise course of action given the historical details you have provided.

17

I do agree, he needs to prove some interest in building an actual relationship (but not a fatherly one, as it’s far too late for that). A face-to-face would certainly be awkward, but you’re right, I might be able to get a better handle on this if I could 1) read him and 2) make clear that he’s not going to get us to jump every time he calls.

**
He’s been pretty level headed and very supportive - he’s the one that suggested I post this, as he is at least semi-involved in this mess and wouldn’t be unbiased. He agrees with the approach zumba the cat genius suggested, but thinks - as I do - that this is probably another bout of bluster from the Donor.

If I had my druthers, the Donor would’ve dropped off the face of the earth long ago. He’s been naught but heartache for our little family. But I am trying really hard not to be the bad guy here - I don’t want the “Your mother never let me see you” crap being fed to my child. I’m trying to give him the opportunity to know his father - not the other way around. This certainly isn’t for the Donor’s sake.

**
Trust me, drillrod, it’s not about forgiveness. I can never forgive the Donor for what he did. As I said before, if anything happens, it’s for my son, not Spermy.

That’s a different way of looking at it…food for thought. Thanks!

I wish I knew. My dad was and is always there for all of his children, and that’s how it’s supposed to be. I don’t get it either - how can you walk away from your own child? From any child, even?

Then we agree! What a happy circumstance. As an update, I just called the Donor and left a message saying exactly that. We’ll see what happens…

18

I just want say to Zumba the Cat that you are a wise person.

19

blush

Thanks to everyone for the compliments.

I hope that things work out for the best Gundy. Dumpling is lucky to have such a caring mommy.

20

My boyfriend and I met with the Donor briefly on Saturday. I was a bit of a mess, but got through it okay because my boyfriend was AWESOME. I’m so glad he came. He told the Donor that he was there to support me, and to help me protect my son - and he did. We asked all the questions we needed to, mainly, what did he expect to happen, how was he going to make it happen, and how could he prove that he was committed to following through with this? In a nutshell, the Donor said he had been trying to come up with the courage to call, blah blah blah, and was willing to do whatever we ask and wait however long we need in order to meet with the Dumpling. All good, I guess, but it still rips my heart out.

We (my boyfriend and I) decided to wait until we receive a few letters from the Donor before we say anything to the Dumpling, so that at least some commitment has been demonstrated. The kicker: the Donor is in the Army, and will be leaving for Afghanistan shortly - hence the sudden trip home, and probably more than a small part of the reason behind all of this.

I guess it was a productive meeting. I made it clear that I hold all the cards, and that things will be taken verrrry slooowly. I also made it clear that no attempt at contact should be made by his family, who lives in the same city. According to the Donor, he only told his family on Friday about my son. There’s a painful story behind this, too…

Thanks, again, everyone, for your very sound advice. Made this troubling circumstance much easier for all involved.