I have several questions here. The first is really better for General Questions, but as they all relate to the same topic and the other three are really opinion questions, I thought this was the better venue.
First a little background. A lesbian friend of mine and her somwhat-younger girlfriend have decided to have a baby. They are both quite comely. The girlfriend is the one who’ll be bearing the child, and for a couple of reasons she prefers (but does not insist) that the conception be natural if possible, and that the father be someone they know; they plan to have the father surrender all parental rights so that there’s no issue of child support for him. They’re amassing a list of people they may ask; I was on it but fairly low because I’m married and obviously cannot agree unilaterally. I told them I’d have to be taken off the list entirely, as I’m not willing to do it (either naturally or artificially) regardless of whether Mrs. Rhymer agrees.
Okay, and now the questions:
[ol]
[li](The GQ question) Is it actually possible to construct a legal agreement in such a circumstance so that the sperm donor would be assured of facing no liability for the support of the child?[/li][li](Single guys) Assuming the answer to (1) is yes, would you be willing to do this? If so, and assuming they decided you were their top choice, would you prefer to do the deed as Aphrodite intended or via the turkey baster/Penthouse method?[/li][li](Married guys) Assuming the answer to (1) is yes, would you be willing to do it? What are the odds that your wife would agree?[/li][li](Married women) Assuming the answer to (1) is yes, would you let your husband do this, even by the turkey baster method?[/li][/ol]
Feel free to elucidate.
#2 for me. If I were good friends with the couple, I could probably be talked into it. I’d be flattered, really, that they thought so highly of me as to ask.
I’m surprised that the natural/artificial thing is on the table, unless the woman who’d be bearing the child is actually bisexual. Consider my ignorance fought. I might be willing to do it naturally if I were really sure that it wouldn’t ruin the friendship with the couple. Still, the odds of conception from one attempt are relatively low either way, and I’d worry that having to regularly try to get a lesbian pregnant would ruin either the friendship or the relationship.
She is bisexual, she says. I was a little surprised to hear her say that, but then I’d never actually asked. Anyway, I was on the “if we have to go turkey-baster route” list, I think. I suspect that whoever they choose will end up having sex with both of them.
I had a paternity scare last year (he wound up being my [now-former] friend’s son) and was doing a lot of research – most of which I’ve forgotten – but I seem to recall it being pretty straightforward to give up paternity if both parents agree and, I think, there’s a third person willing to agree to adopt.
Probably not. Knowing the child is mine, but having no right to him or her would be frustrating, and the idea of maybe one day being fingered as the father without those same rights would bother me a lot, too.
Assuming I could be talked into it, the method of conception really depends on who’s asking.
I’m semi- in this position (#2). My friend is bi and has been in a steady relationship with another woman for several years. I’ve told her that I’d be willing to “chip in” should they decide that they want to go to the next stage in life.
I’d probably say that I’d be fine to do it the old fashioned way once if she needed that to feel like it had some meaning behind it, but I would want to leave sperm on ice since it would probably take several tries and I’d rather not do that. I wouldn’t do it at all unless it was guaranteed that I wouldn’t be held responsible for finances in any way.
4 - I’m a soon-to-be-married woman, and I’d be a little weirded out by the situation.
I’d like to say I’d be fine with it, especially if it was to help close friends, but in reality I would be bothered by the fact that my man has a child out there who isn’t really part of the family. I’d be disturbed to a certain degree knowing he’d donated sperm in the past, anonymously. But to see the kid often, presuming these friends would stay in our lives… it would be very hard.
[li](Married women) Assuming the answer to (1) is yes, would you let your husband do this, even by the turkey baster method?[/li][/QUOTE]
Only if #1 was yes (and it’d have to be turkey baster). I’m not sure that’s possible in some states and have heard anecdotes about this sort of thing coming back to bite some guy in the ass.
That being said, neither my husband nor I are ideal genetic specimens; we both have some serious inheritable issues that have caused us grief for years. We also have no children of our own.
I wouldn’t want my husband to do this - whether turkey baster or otherwise - that doesn’t make much difference. He’s a good dad and would always feel responsible for his offspring. What if the couple aren’t the greatest parents? It’ll always be your child. Having said that I’m sure there are lots of success stories but don’t underestimate your paternal instincts.
Depends on what she means by “turkey baster” method - I am thinking maybe she means invitro fertilisation, (IVF) rather than Intra Uterine Insemination (IUI).
In IUI, it is literally a turkey baster, guy jerks off the sperm get seprated off and inserted directly into the uterus. This method is minimally invasive and mostly “natural” in that the sperm still has some work to do, its just inserted directly to the finish line so to speak.
I didn’t think it was possible to contract out of parternal rights prior to birth. After birth I know it can be done, but I think it would be a very dangerous position to be in for you. If either of them were to change their minds, you could find yourself on the hook for child support.
Personally, (putting aside the legal issue) I would be ok if it were some variation on turkey baster - but if it were draught delivery I am not so sure (especially as I am married)
#4: Hmm. My first gut reaction was yes, for the turkey baster method. We don’t have kids yet, though, and I wonder if that gut reaction would change if I had kids of my own.
But after reading Bam Boo Gut’s post, I’d have to say, only if I really, really trusted the putative parents. And offhand I can only think of one person that I would actually trust enough to raise my husband’s child.
No way and my wife would never go for it if I wanted to. It would blur the lines between family and non-family too much. What happens if the moms get killed in a plane crash, or turn out to be horrible parents, or the kid is born with a serious illness and I’m the only one who can donate a kidney to him, or the moms come on hard times and can’t afford to buy the kid school clothes? “Sorry, Junior, this here paper says I ain’t got to pay diddly.” No way would I get entangled in something like this. Either you’re the father or you’re not. Chalk it up to my love of order.
#2 - I’d be honoured to be asked, and I’d be absolutely willing. I’d want legal responsibility to stop at the point of insemination. I’ll leave the method up to the mother. I would insist on the child knowing me as their father when the child was old enough to understand - being friends with the parents, I’d be seeing the child frequently anyway, and keeping the secret would prove awkward.
No: you’re forgetting that it’s for a friend, not a random stranger. As friend, I’m already part of her life and so I’m going to continue to be part of my friend’s life even after she has the child. So I’m going to be seeing the child frequently anyway. And I think it’s right and proper that when the child is old enough to understand, then the child should know.
Otherwise, can you imagine the uncomfortableness years down the line when the child asks, “Mum, why do I look like Uncle Quartz?”
Besides, it will be on the birth certificate anyway.
I’ll just note that personally, while I would certainly prefer to be able to see the baby and possibly give gifts over the years, if ever I had a falling out with my friends, I would have no expectation that I would or should be able to see the child.
While it’s “cool” that there’s some little kid out there who shares my DNA and it would be interesting to see how much effect that has, I am not a parent to that child. Half the world can spurt semen and it’s a sure thing that that ability alone does not a parent make.
2 - Well if I really liked the couple I’d consider it, but beyond the point that IRL making a kid often takes multiple tries at which point the lesbian partner might get sick of me mounting her SO, the main problem for me is if they stayed in the area I’d probably see my bio-kid at some point and (I can’t help it) I’d feel obligated to help them … or something. Most men aren’t sperm-bots if there’s a kid carrying your genes out there there’s often an inclination to make sure he or she is doing well, and that edges into getting involved in their lives in some fashion. I think the temptation to involve myself in the kids life as they grew up would be deal breaker for me in this as it puts the lie to any initial promises I made to be non-involved.
Also, as others have pointed out you Mr. Bio-dad are legally the child’s father. Divorce between hetero couples is around 50% so let’s assume lesbians have roughly the same rate for breakup, that means there’s a 50% chance that (in most states) there will potentially be a single mother with a young child struggling to make a life with no opportunity for enforced alimony or CS from her same sex ex-SO.
Desperate people do desperate things and reaching out and tapping the finances of the bio dad to help raise HIS biological child is something that many state CS collection agencies may press her to do. The state’s power to collect CS in this scenario will (I believe) trump any agreement you have constructed with the mother and her ex-so.
