I don't know if I can handle being a biological father

In My Humble Opinion
1

Here’s the deal: a close lesbian friend of mine (we’ve known each other since Grade Four) is marrying her girlfriend (life partner, whatever) in July. I’ve been invited to the wedding but have yet to RSVP.

It’s been hinted to me that they would want my sperm in order to have a baby. I don’t know how to feel about that. On the one hand, I’d prefer to raise my own kid(s) - either adopted, or biological - one day, when I finally become a responsible adult. On the other hand, it would be an honor to know that a loving couple have chosen me to be the biological father of their child.

But then it gets complicated. Do they want me involved in their child’s life? If it were to come to be, I’d like to be involved in some way. I’d want to be there at the birth of my son or daughter. I’d want time with the child. I’d want the child to know that even though he or she has two mothers, he or she also has a father who loves them. I’ve done the “uncle” thing many times, and I could see this being similar for the kid, but it wouldn’t be the same for me, knowing that this is my child.

However, I don’t want to get caught up in family law crap if I’m not officially raising the kid. If these two women decide to divorce or break up or whatever, I don’t want to suddenly be stuck with having to pay child support simply because I jerked off into a cup at some clinic.

I’d have to see a lawyer before anything happened, to draw up some legal agreement that would (a) allow me to see the child on a semi-regular basis, (b) exempt me from child support, since I was only a sperm donor and did not actually raise the child, and © Hi, Opal!

I don’t need the child to take my last name. However, I don’t want the birth certificate to read “Father: Unknown” or something.

In any case, I just hope I would pass on my good genes and not the bad ones.

  • s.e.
2

Gosh, I’ve heard of people dropping big hints about what they’d like for a wedding present, but this really takes the cake! How exactly do you wrap that cup?

3

You’re the one that seems to be making this thing very complicated (not that it isn’t) and since you have these feelings, you’d better keep your hat on (if you know what I mean). :wink:

4

I’ll make this brief as my keyboard is jerking me around today and this is my 4th appempt at replying. IANAL. I do not know Quebec family law.

DON’T. If you are listed on the birth certificate you are legally the father and held liable financially. If you are found to be the father based on DNA you are legally the father and held liable financially. Do not expect a contract or agreement ot protect you. If the best needs of the child are served by you paying support(and when is more money for food and Nikes ever in the worst interest of the kid?) a judge can order you to pay. A lawyer may be more than happy to write out an agreement for the three of you specifying that you never have to pay support and the moms have to raise junior as a vegan trombonist but that doesn’'t mean a judge will honor it in court.

Suggest the happy couple seek anonymous donor sperm.

5

It’s flattering but if you don’t want to be potentially involved in the future, eschew implanting your seed in these young ladies.
A promise of non-involvement sounds good but the best laid plans of mice and Scott Evil…

Year 2020 -

SE and SO are settling down to a beautiful late dinner when suddenly at the door…

“Knock Knock Knock” Hmmm… who could that be at this hour muses SE?

SE looks out the peephole and sees a young man on the doorstep who seems oddly familiar somehow.

“Hello?”

“Are you Scott Evil?” inquires the young stranger?

“Why yes I am? Why do you ask?”

“I’m your son!” You’re my daddy!

“That’s impossible young man I’ve never … well except for that one time at a Dopefest, she looked like a man and I was drunk… it’s just not possible.”

"Don’t you remember Dad! Mom said you gave her some sperm. "

*“Ohhhhhh…yes. But I did it as a favor and I wasn’t supposed to be involved.” *

“Mom and mom broke up ten years ago. I always wondered who my daddy was! A boy needs his daddy but sniff… there was no one for me. But anyway I finally found you! You’re my old man! I’ve got a thousand questions. Where do I sleep? Do I have my own room? Ummm… smells great! What’s for dinner? I’ll need a double bed 'cause my girlfriends in the car and she’s kind of nauseous with the baby coming and all. You’re gonna be a granddad!”

6

After thinking about this for a while, I’d have to say that if you are having misgivings and other feelings about this now, then imagine what it will be like in the future. You might get over your ambivalence in time, but it will probably always be in the back of your mind if you decide to go through this.

I understand that it’s flattering, and that they think you a good enough friend to ask this of you. However, if you might not want to be involved legally in the future, then you may want to think about things for a while.

I don’t know Quebec family law, either, and I’m not a lawyer by any stretch of the imagination. The only Canadian law I know is bits and pieces from my Law 12 class in high school that I took years ago, none of which is applicable to this case (and probably outdated by now). However, I am fairly sure that if your name is listed on the birth certificate as the father of the baby, you would be liable for financial support if these women decide to break up in future. Contracts and agreements can be meaningful, but in a court of law, anything can happen, including those same contracts and agreements being rendered null and void.

So think about the legal implications. It’s true that they may think that they won’t break up (hence a wedding?), but you never know what will happen in life. It’s equally true that they will stay together as a loving, committed couple for the rest of their lives, but you can’t bank on that.

It’s ultimately your decision, Scott. Only you can figure out if this is in your best interests, but with your stated feelings now, plus all the legal stuff, I’d advise you to have a good long think about this. Talk it over with the couple, and your friends. Think about whether you’d be able to handle the various financial and legal obligations if the unthinkable should happen in the future, and this couple were to break up. (the scenario described by astro could happen, you never know)

Good luck with whatever you decide, and please keep us updated.

7

Don’t.

You seem to want all of the fun stuff but none of the responsibility, which is all fine and good for the three adults involved…but the kid is what should count here. And, like the courts, best interest of the child is what counts. If you’re going to be involved at all, be prepared to back it up even monetarily. If you’re not prepared for it to not be your kid, don’t donate the little swimmers.

8

Right, cheers, thanks a lot. Your replies have helped me make a decision.

I might be musical, and have a liver that’s either a toxicologist’s dream or nightmare, but I don’t want to become some David Crosby.

I probably will want to have my own biological child one day, once I’m out of debt, living a stable life (as opposed to the squallor I live in now), and am in a stable relationship. There are things that come with parenthood that are hard, and I can’t deal with them now. I mean, how the hell do I deal with toilet training? Or my kid coming home from school beaten up because his parents are faggots? Or telling my kid to stay away from drugs even though I’ve done just about all of them?

But then again, there’s always the joys of parenthood. The little baby in your arms, looking up at you - you’re the only person in the world in his or her little mind. The first steps. The first word. A child running into the room, hugging you, and saying “Daddy!” Passing on my good upbringing to another person. Giving of myself, loving, being generous, and the good feeling that comes of that.

(OK I’m rambling. Forgive me.)

In my early 20s, I always thought I’d never want to have kids. But I’ll be 30 in less than two weeks, and there’s this paternal, parental instinct going on that I can’t deny. My parents are aware of this, and I asked them if they’d accept another grandchild (they have five now) even if he or she were adopted. They said of course they would. I made it clear I wouldn’t do such a thing - either adopt, or have a biological child through artificial insemination - until my life was stable and I was in a long-term relationship.

However, they’d freak if I were to be the absent father of a lesbian couple in Toronto. And so would I. My decision is made.

Thanks.

  • s.e.
9

Oops. I meant the absent father of the *child[/i[ of a lesbian couple in Toronto. :rolleyes:

Anyway, based on a bizarre experiment with my first boyfriend and a microscope, I don’t think my boys can swim anyway… :eek:

  • s.e.
10

Scott Evil, while it is indeed an honour to be considered as the bio. father for your friends (and I WOULD revel in that if I were you), it is another matter entirely once the ‘honour’ has dissipated and a real-life baby/child arrives. Being a ‘biological’ father, as you say, is pretty easy. Being a FATHER is a number of wonderful things, but ‘easy’ isn’t one of them from what I’ve heard. It would be especially difficult given the less-than-conventional circumstances of your friends IF something were to stuff-up and you were left holding the baby, at least financially if not literally.

While we cannot predict the future, it seems to me that your misgivings NOW might be enough to tell you to go carefully. Realising and acknowledging that you may not be able to offer the level of committment that the child might need is courageous of you.

And anyway, do we really want another little Evil in the world? :smiley: