Hello dopers,
I have had such a strange morning and shall share with you all. Two long time friends who live down the street come knocking on my door this morning. They are getting married in a few weeks and I had thought they came to talk about the wedding. Nope, they have decided after they get married they want to have a child. How does involve me? Well, I failed to mention yet they are a lesbian couple.
It seems after careful consideration they did not want to get a sperm donation from someone they do not know. They would rather know the person for a variety of reasons. (known health record, basic genetic traits)
They have thought about this long and hard so it obviously needs to be considered and not dismissed out of hand.
It would be a donation thru a clinic, not an evening threesome. K (the older of the two) Works in a law firm and will have legal documents available to remove the legal responsibility off of me in regard to child support. They would allow me as much or as little contact with the child as I wanted. They would respect my wishes as to letting the child know or not know I was the donor.
On the surface, it seems a single mans dream. An offspring without the hassles. Yet, I know this would be a serious life changing event. I would feel morally responsible being that I have in a non traditional way brought another life into this world.
Knowing the diverse crowd of dopers I hope you all can shed some light on the various issues I should consider before deciding
So, I leave this open to all the dopers out there. For your views factual or opinion, links to previous threads, or related stories.
I understand that you’re looking for input, but from reading your post, I don’t get a firm idea of which way you’re leaning on this one.
I’m sure you’re close with these women if they’re comfortable enough to ask you to help them make a baby, and it’s obvious they’re serious, but how do you feel? You mention that you would feel morally responsible for brining a life into this world, but is that a feeling you want? How much contact with the child would you want? Would you be able to make this baby and then hand over some, most or all of the responsibilities and decisions to someone else?
I thought long and hard about donating eggs when I was in college, but ultimately decided against it, for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was knowing that someone who shared my genes would be out there in the world without me. Your situation is obviously different, but it’s something to think about. How much, if anything would you want this child to know about who you are?
Also, not to disparage your friends, I’m sure they’re lovely people, but are you confident that they’ll stick by their word? I’ve seen a baby change a variety of relationships in dozens of ways, and just because the conditions are laid out on paper ahead of time, that doesn’t always prevent hurt feelings.
If, after you’ve thought this through, you’ve decided it’s something you want to do, then best of luck to you, I think it could really be a wonderful thing. My only caution would be make sure you’re really ready to do this. Once the baby comes, as I’m sure you already know, there’s no turning back.
Good luck!
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I am aware of this. I left out such clues to try and get a broad range of answers. lets say"I am middle of the fence right now."
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I am suprised but in a way flattered I was even considered.
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I am not sure Morally is the word… maybe it is. I tend to believe bringing a new life into the world is a serious thing and not to be taken lightly.
**Well, As much is reasonable. Not enough to infringe on their parental rights and disrupt their rules and ways they choose to bring the child up.
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All things considered, they are a very stable couple, one with a pretty good track record raising children.
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I would prefer the child be told who I am if the child wanted to know.
** I doubt anyone can know anyone that wall, but I think it would be a reasonable expectation that would stick to their word.
Thanks very much for your insight and thoughts on the matter
I don’t think that’s true, lee. I’m sure there are precedents for sperm donors. Ask your own lawyer to be sure, Osip.
As for me, I could never do it. I could never have a child walking around that I had little or no control or contact with. Yeah, they may let you hang out, but can you chose what school the kid goes to? What he eats (vegetarian? Vegan?)? What politics or religion the kid’s brought up around, how the kid’s disciplined? You may think that you know and accept how the mothers will answer these, but things change.
If you marry, or otherwise have other kids that you raise in a traditional manner, how will you relate one to the other?
I couldn’t do it, but I’d be very flattered and honored of someone asks. It’s your own choice, and good luck if you go ahead with it.
The law in every state, as far as I know, is that a “sperm donor” is liable for paternity even if both parents agree to waive paternity. Parents cannot sign away a child’s birthright. Parental support is a right that accrues to the child, and a private agreement between parents, absent further support from statute or judicial order, has no impact whatsoever on the child’s rights.
Some states have a procedure by which a nonanonymous donor may avoid paternity by making the donation through a doctor. And even then these procedures may not protect you if the child moves to another state.
I am not a lawyer; you should definitely consult with an attorney familiar with the law of your jurisdiction before making any irreversible decisions.
This kids would live in your neighborhood? I don’t see how you could live that close to your progeny - without developing paternal feelings of your own. As a father of five with lesbian neighbors who want a kid, I’ve given this a little thought. Personally, I think I would want to be the dad as well as the father. I just couldn’t treat the kid as any other neighbor’s kid.
It is as flattering a question as a neighbor can ask, though. (Except maybe if they wanted the kid by threesome. That would be even more flattering. )
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