My first instinct was to advise you to tell the guy to shove it in his shoe. If he showed this little interest for eight years, he most likely hasn’t grown up and made a complete turnaround. No one miraculously becomes Ward Cleaver overnight.
However, after reading Zumba’s post, that seems like a pretty good way to go. Not relinquish completely, but let a little line out bit by bit. Then you’ll see how serious the guy is.
Keep in mind that you have a (relatively) stable home life, with a live-in SO who seems to be working quite well as a father-figure for your son. It might do more damage than good to have that disrupted by a rotter who shows up, says, “I’m your father, ain’t that grand?” and then disappears again for another couple years.
Any guy with normal testicles can make a woman pregnant. That doesn’t mean he’s qualified for the title “father.” That’s based on behavior; it’s something that is earned, and this rumdum doesn’t sound like he’s even made Tenderfoot as far as that goes.
Good luck with your family, whatever shape it takes.
Would it offend you if I entertained myself a bit with a mental image of me going to North Carolina and punching this guy in the face?
I realize we are all reasonable adults, but when I think about someone making a decision to just disappear instead of providing some form of support to the single mom of his child, and being there to let his son know that no matter what else, his dad loves him and is proud of him… well, it seems a punch in the face (even if just fantasized about) is in order.
I hope this story has the happy ending where he ends up with a great, reliable, supportive biological dad as well as a great stepdad in your SO. But even so, a punch for those first eight years would feel good to me.
Eight years of child support to catch up on, in addition to ongoing child support. Is he willing to make a financial committment to your child?
Is he capable and willing to make a financial committment, an emotional committment, or any other sort of committment (letters, calls, visits etc.)? Or is he just looking for a playmate or a trophy without being willing to take on the responsibility of an access parent?
Let him prove his committment for half a year or more before permitting him to enter your child’s life, and even then only gradually increase contact.
Count me in as one who thinks you need to go for child support. Your son deserves it, it is for him. How many times have you had to tell him no when he wanted something ? I think I would also ask that the court order him (SD) to carry a life insurance policy with son to colloect in case of SD’s death. It is pretty common for a parent to be ordered to do so.
I’m not saying that because I hate men or anything. I like men I’m married to one. Your son does deserve child support. If you don’t want/need to use the money right now, put it in a savings account for your son’s education or something.
One of the things that we asked him - do the potential benefits of my son meeting the Donor outweigh the certainty that his whole life will be disrupted for this? I’m still not sure.
Not at all! Punch away! You’re not the only one to feel like that, trust me. When I called my sister and told her about it, she said, “Tell him he’s lucky I’m not there because I’d put his foot in my ass. I mean…his ass in my foot. I mean…oh, just tell him he’s a shithead.”
According to him, he is willing to make some sort of financial commitment. It’s for damn sure I wouldn’t trust him on the honor system. I don’t know what legal hoops I’d have to jump through…as I mentioned, the Donor’s name is not on the birth certificate, so there’d have to be paternity tests and such.
**
We don’t expect to have him meet my son face-to-face for at least a year, maybe more.
The more I think about it, the more this makes sense. It’s just a strange idea for me. When I had my son, and the Donor up and left, I was determined to do everything without him. Of course, this meant leaning on my family and friends. I’ve been able to provide a good life for him, I think, but it’s not always been easy. In the beginning I was just too young and dumb to go after him for child support. Things have changed since then.
Gundy, it looks like you have this situation well under control.
I agree with everyone who thinks Bio-Dad should begin to pay child support. It is a must. If BD is serious, and agrees to the support, you may want to establish the paternity link before he is sent overseas. Your son would then be immediately entitled to receive his monthly support allotment directly from the Govt., otherwise it will be up to BD to send it. I also agree with Ayesha, your son should definitely be the beneficiary of BD’s Govt. insurance policy. Should BD be die while in the Army, your son would also be intitled to Veterans Dependant benefits, which can be substantial. You may want to check with the VA to verify what is at stake.