OK, here goes. This is somewhat painful, but I want to hear the opinions of some people out there about this. This is long and complicated and I’m too tired to be more concise, so forgive me in advance for long-windedness…
My boyfriend, age 33, and I broke up recently for reasons I will not go into in this thread – mostly differences in goals/philosophies. We still communicate and even see each other occasionally.
Ex has two children. One is adopted. She’s now 18. We’ll call her Ana. She lives with ex, probably for another 2 years or so. He adopted her out of the child welfare system when he was doing social work. I consider ex a very good father – good at building self-esteem, good at helping children be their own problem-solvers (but with guidance), good at making his children feel loved. From a material perspective, I don’t think he makes enough money to really support everyone, but somehow he makes it work. I believe he should try to get a better job/work more/get more education. He is not currently a social worker, btw.
Ex’s other child is biological - we’ll call him Alex. Alex is 5. Ex shares custody with Alex’s mom, and they get along well and live near each other. They still do things together, often with other family members, friends, me, etc. Ex has a fairly close group of friends – who are friends of Alex’s mom, too — most with children. They share childcare, get together often, etc. Ex’s best friend is a woman who is part of this circle. We’ll call her Jane. Jane is a lesbian who really wants a child, and is not in a committed relationship, and has had a hard time finding one. She has been trying to artificially inseminate with sperm from a sperm bank, to no avail. No, I’m not even to the main part I want the opinions about.
Two days ago ex called me and told me that Jane is pregnant. “That’s exciting,” I said. Sort of, he said. Turns out he FATHERED HER CHILD FOR HER, in a “quick procedure dependent on good timing” as a donor/friend. I guess. Or maybe as a dad. I don’t know. I don’t know if he really knows. I could not believe it. I am still in shock. Why did he do it? I do not know. The sperm bank option was expensive and didn’t seem to be working. Maybe so she could use a known quantity? When I asked what he is going to be to this child —let’s call him Child-- he said, “Well, I’m not going to say, ‘I’m not your dad.’ That’s not how I am.” Whatever that means. I said, “What about when Child wants to know why Alex lives with you and Child doesn’t?” “I’ll say that Jane and I are not a couple.” “But Alex’s mom and you are not a couple, and Alex lives 3.5 days/week with you.” No real answer to that, except that ex will allow Child to “stay with him” – in the sense of sleepovers, I gathered from his tone – if Child wishes. Ex says that regardless of who Jane had a child with, Child would be a part of Ex’s life because of Jane & ex’s friendship. Um, OK. I feel as if this is the sort of situation that could not be more confusing & painful for a child. Ex says he isn’t comfortable with how Jane is announcing it, either. As in, “Ex and I are pregnant.” Hmmm, I guess they didn’t talk this out much. Sort of one of those things that you discuss BEFORE YOU DECIDE BEFORE YOU START A HUMAN. Obviously, ex will be legally responsible for the child as a father. He didn’t say if they’ve talked about finances at all. He does not have enough income to support 2 children (Alex’s mom pays at least half of Alex’s expenses anyway, and Ana pays a lot of her own as well), let alone 3. I think he thinks of himself as a donor— a good friend ---- who also happens to be the biological father – not as the child’s dad. My initial feeling is that this is a disastrous, irresponsible, ill-thought-out, selfish action taken without regard to how it will actually and truly affect the Child. It seems like planned disaster, and years of therapy waiting to be undergone.
What do you think about his decision to provide his sperm? What do you think about his decision if it turns out he’s going to be an actual parent and not just a sperm donor (sharing responsibility for decisions, guidance, finances, sharing custody, etc.)? Do you think there something in between that would be appropriate/not too damaging to the Child?
I may well not know the answers to any follow-up questions. I didn’t trust myself to be rational and calm, and he seemed to be having a hard time as well, so I kept the conversation short and my questions to a minimum. He knows I am shocked.
I sure hope they don’t read this board.
