It sounds a little like the EX has too much interest in being a daddy… and not much interest in being a husband. In women with the “mommy” jones, I use the term brood mare. (Remember the character in “Raising Arizona” who was really interested in babies and toddler, but let her older children run wild?) Don’t know what to call it in a man.
Obviously, the deed is done and there’s nothing you can do.
If I were you, what I would think is that EX will need some friendship as the children he’s caring for get older, and start becoming big people.
His friend will work it out and the child will be loved. The context of a loving lesbian couple raising a child is probably less worrisome to me than a split up hetero relationship where the man is there and then not there. If the woman is planning on raising it sans partner then there is more cause for concern.
He does sound well meaning but not particularly thoughtful about the long term consequences of impulsive decisions.
He needs to decide very shortly if he is going to press to have a role as “daddy”. If he is, and if she intends to raise it as a single mother, then in all likelihood she will probably expect him to contibute to the child’s upbringing regardless of whatever money deal they have agreed on pre-impregnation. Being a mommy and the breadwinner will get tiresome quickly, and may well cause her to want to re-cast the financial agreement if he wants access to the child.
Right - I would feel very differently about this if Jane were one-half of a loving lesbian couple, or if there were a good chance that she will be soon. As long as I’ve known her, she hasn’t been in a relationship, and apparently her other relationships weren’t that successful or long-term. I know she will provide access to the child to him – she will want as much as she can get from him in a time/emotions/moral support way. That’s what I worry about – she is fairly dependent on him as a friend. Now that he is the biological father, I feel like she’ll be unlikely to search out her lesbian mate/co-parent. (Then again, maybe she’ll find her if she’s not looking…) She already has a co-parent. Or so she thinks. But I don’t think he thinks of it quite like that.
As it happens, IAAL, albeit not in family law. A reading of the California code + the facts = he will be legally responsible.