I have a co-worker who became pregnant 6 years ago and the father told her he wanted her to have a termination. She hasn’t spoken to him since, had the baby and says she never will talk to the father again, claiming he has no right to know anything about the child b/c he didn’t want it to be born.
Having no firsthand experience of parenting I have only an outsider’s opinion on this, but I’m interested in the opinion of a broad spectrum of people. IMHO she’s being terribly short-sighted and ignoring her child’s right to know their father to hold on to her own anger.
If there are 2 things I’ve learned in life, it’s:
[ul]
[li]You, the 3rd party, are never getting the whole story.[/li][li]Things change.[/li][/ul]
If we take the story as true (the father wanted an abortion), I agree morally that he waived any future relationship with the child, and I don’t blame the mother for acting accordingly. I’m no legal scholar, but he may have rights we aren’t aware of, or she may simply decide that she wants (or needs) the father in her life for whatever reason.
In any case your job is to be supportive and keep your opinions to yourself.
I don’t understand this point of view at all. If they had used birth control that didn’t work out, would you be saying that the mother had waived any future relationship with the child? In both cases, it is a future parent saying “It’s my preference to not have a child right now and here is a thing that I would like to prevent that from happening”, but then a child happening anyway.
Mothers don’t own their children. Fathers have obligations and rights with regard to their children. One of the obligations is to let their children have reasonable relationship with their fathers whether they like the guy or not. It’s hard to get on the soapbox about this though because when it comes to failures of obligation fathers are much more likely to be the culprit than mothers.
Anyhoo…the mother should try to find the father and find out if he’s interested in being part of his child’s life. She has to be able to tell this child at the appropriate time that she did not unilaterally exclude him from the child’s life.
As several other posters noted, we’re not getting the whole story, and that may influence our thoughts. Given only the information provided in the OP, I would say that, no the father does not have any right to know anything about the child if he completely stepped out of the entire process (including taking financial responsibility) of raising the child. However, if he were to request information, I think the kind and mature thing to do would be for the mother to provide him with some details.
Depending on state law, the father may very well have a LEGAL right to know about his child. If he desires to do so, he can establish paternity and obtain visitation and/or custody by court order, regardless of what the mother wants.
I think what really matters are the rights of the child–to know his father, and also to be supported by him. There are some really bad reasons to deny your child those rights–the desire not to be seen as a gold-digger, the desire not to have to deal with an asshole, the desire to prove you don’t need someone, the desire not to have to make yourself look needy. There are also some very good reasons to decide for your child that they ought not exercise their right to support/a relationship with their father: a genuinely toxic personality or a history of abuse. As to any particular case, I’m not going to judge based on third-and fourth-hand reasoning.
Additionally, even if the guy is a toxic asshole who shouldn’t have contact with the child, she’s short-changing the child by preventing her offspring the benefit of child support.
But mothers do give up their children for adoption and want it to be closed and to never be contacted about it. And there would be some adoptive parents who would want it that way, who would consider the mom having “waived her rights” and wouldn’t want the “threat” of her coming around again and wanting any involvement.
If he sent her checks and she tore them up (I’ve known women who did this :eek: :mad: ) that’s one thing, but there are situations where the money would cause more problems than it would solve. This may be one of them.
She may have some very good reasons for not contacting him WRT the child. Has she gone to elaborate measures (changed her name, moved to a distant state, etc.) to keep him from getting in touch with her should he change his mind about showing interest? Maybe he was abusive to her, married, or any number of other reasons why being in the child’s life was not a good idea.
I do not, and I have not nor will I share my differing opinion w/ my co-worker; I’m happy to keep my work environment on an even keel. When she shared that w/ me it was a thing I hadn’t heard in my peer group in quite awhile, decades maybe. That’s why I brought the idea to the Dope, I knew at the very least it would spur a discussion.
She believes her actions are righteous and I’m not about to say otherwise w/o being asked; she has family and friends that I’m sure she’s been as frank w/ so there’s likely been a more personal discussion w/ them.
Having recently had the 23andMe tests done my mind went immediately to the genetic background her child wouldn’t have access to in the future if she held that line.
On one hand, a man who demands the woman get an abortion, then never has any more contact with her (whether by his choice or hers) doesn’t sound like someone who’d give a flying fig about his child. On the other hand, who knows how the reality of a child would affect his point of view…
Then there’s the kid - what does a parent say? “Your daddy didn’t want you so he’s not going to know you.” “Your daddy’s gone away - I don’t know what happened.” “Your daddy’s dead.” Whether the child is told the truth of a kindly fib, it’s likely to be hard to deal with, especially as the years go by. To me, that’s the more important issue to address. Dad showed a rather ugly, selfish side of himself, so he doesn’t get a lot of sympathy from me, but what do you say to the child?
As an aside: While I’m not an advocate of secrecy, I do think people should think before spilling their private lives into the laps of strangers. It happened to me once, years ago, and to this day, I wonder what the other person was thinking when she “shared” her little tidbit with me. Not that you asked.
This sentence can cover a great deal of things, it seems to me. And the rightness or wrongness of the mother’s choices may well lie in what it represents.
Did he simply say, he’s not ready, can’t afford it, can’t handle it? Or, was he overbearing bordering on abusive? Did he threaten her and the child with ruination if she pursued it? Did he harangue her as incapable, attempting only to ruin his life? Did he threaten, from a position of more power, to take the child from her, just out of spite? Perhaps she’s not sharing that he date raped her, or is, in fact violent? The point is we CANNOT possibly know these details with certainty.
That sentence leaves out WAY too much to be able to pass judgement on the mother or her motives.
Being a single parent is a very, VERY difficult road to choose, for any woman, at any phase of her life. I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt in the face of insufficient information.
It’s not anyone’s place to judge another’s life path. We haven’t walked in her shoes, can’t know her or his struggle, in regards to this.
The great majority of “I’m not talking to you” scenarios involve the isolator being a jerk. (In a good many cases the isolatee has also been a jerk, but cutting off all contact is not the right reaction.)
(Obviously, this doesn’t apply to extreme cases like psychotic stalkers.)
Some minimal social contact, perhaps chaperoned, is healthier than a total embargo. (In most cases.)
(Apologies for all the weasel-clauses, but you know the SDMB! Make a universal statement, and someone will come along to rebut it with exceptions. Always! )
