Don't want baby = not entitled to know about it, ever?

[Weisshund]

Do not know the full story, this is obviously not the full story, and there is a party unheard from which i wont assume that the party heard from fairly speaks for.

But, for sake of argument, if said story is as cut and dried as stated.

Woman: I am pregnant
Man: screw that, get an abortion, i don’t want it.

Woman chooses to have baby, has no further dealings with the man

Man does not pursue any further communication with woman, not even to verify abortion took place.

In the interest of assuming the above at face value…

*Man can be taken at face value, does not want any part of having kid, nor has any further interest in woman.

Woman has chosen to have kid, assume responsibility on her own, never asked Man to participate or anything else against his will, he has of course already made his will clearly known*
Well, Man does not need to be in the picture then does he?

Speaking from the child’s point of view, Why should i be subjected to some guy that did not want me, made no effort to see if i was flushed or given birth to etc.

Is it not bad enough that at some point mother will have to explain that father chose not to be around, had no interest in me?
But now you would like to force this asshole upon me? Someone that does not want to be here anyways?

For whose sense of feel good? Yours or Mine?
He had 9 months at least to decide Hey look, i was wrong, i want to be part of this somehow, but he was happy with the exit door, so dont let it hit im in the ass.

As long as mother is doing her best to do things right by me, why must someone else poke their nose into it?

[TokyoBayer]

I don’t know if there is enough information and perhaps the mother in question doesn’t have enough information.

For me, the question would be if the father has changed at all. Sure, he was clearly wrong and a jerk, but is he still a jerk? Not having a father figure involved at all may be the best option if the guy is continuing to act badly.

As was mentioned by someone, the fact that the guy didn’t follow up speaks volumes.

@Weisshund

As long as mother is doing her best to do things right by me, why must someone else poke their nose into it?

The OP has made it clear that she isn’t going to stick her nose into it.

[Patx2]

I’m not sure if anyone has mentioned this, but does the father want any contact with the child? The kid is young, but not so young to not ask questions. How is she answering them? If she’s lying about dad’s whereabouts, etc, I think she’s opening up a big can of worms for herself down the road. If the dad wants no contact and she’s trying to protect the kid from that pain I can see it. If dad wants contact, or she’s just making an assumption, or is just pissed then I think she needs to rethink her attitude it might bite her in the behind later. There are some scenarios in life where you should never say never.

[TruCelt]

Do not push women to involve disinterested men in their children’s lives. The Family courts in this country are a complete shitshow designed to funnel all the financial resources of both families into the pockets of lawyers.

The man may be completely disinterested, but his parents, or aunts and uncles may be interested, and they will push him to take her to court. Then the whole nightmare begins, and every spare penny, and every tiny bit of peace the mother and child could otherwise have enjoyed will go to the courts and the lawyers. And they will have no peace at all until the child turns eighteen.

Being a single Mom is desperately hard, even if you do have substantial financial resources. No woman in her right mind refuses help from a man who is interested, loving, and reliable. If your co-worker is not showing signs of insanity, then she has good reason for saying “no” to the financial support and child-care help she might receive from the child’s father.

He’s a sperm donor, pure and simple. He knew she was pregnant, he stated his disinterest, and he walked away. Let. Him. Go.

When the child is older, say 16 or so, then you can help track him down if the child is interested in knowing that side of the family. At that point the courts will not disrupt the child’slife unless the child says they want to move in with Dad.

[astro]

I had a female friend who also had the OP s friend take on things. He was a college senior and the son of a pastor. She got pregnant without penis penetration but in horsing around after mutual orgasm so he was suspicious of the claim it was his, but he also ducked several attempts to get a paternity test done by lying and evading.

At some point in this process she decided he was just a shit she did not want to be involved with and walked away and raised the child herself. When the daughter was in her mid 20’s she reached out and made contact with the bio dad and had the paternity test done. It was awkward as he was now an power company engineer and a very religious evangelical and the daughter was more a spiritual yoga teacher type, but he did acknowledge her as his daughter. He also gave her some modest financial assistance and a lot of witnessing.

[nearwildheaven]

@FairyChatMom

Then there’s the kid - what does a parent say? “Your daddy didn’t want you so he’s not going to know you.” “Your daddy’s gone away - I don’t know what happened.” “Your daddy’s dead.” Whether the child is told the truth of a kindly fib, it’s likely to be hard to deal with, especially as the years go by. To me, that’s the more important issue to address. Dad showed a rather ugly, selfish side of himself, so he doesn’t get a lot of sympathy from me, but what do you say to the child?

The best thing to say to a young child is “Your other parent left, and I don’t know where s/he is.” They can learn more of the story at the time that is right for them.

[nearwildheaven]

@TruCelt

Do not push women to involve disinterested men in their children’s lives. The Family courts in this country are a complete shitshow designed to funnel all the financial resources of both families into the pockets of lawyers.

The man may be completely disinterested, but his parents, or aunts and uncles may be interested, and they will push him to take her to court. Then the whole nightmare begins, and every spare penny, and every tiny bit of peace the mother and child could otherwise have enjoyed will go to the courts and the lawyers. And they will have no peace at all until the child turns eighteen.

Being a single Mom is desperately hard, even if you do have substantial financial resources. No woman in her right mind refuses help from a man who is interested, loving, and reliable. If your co-worker is not showing signs of insanity, then she has good reason for saying “no” to the financial support and child-care help she might receive from the child’s father.

He’s a sperm donor, pure and simple. He knew she was pregnant, he stated his disinterest, and he walked away. Let. Him. Go.

When the child is older, say 16 or so, then you can help track him down if the child is interested in knowing that side of the family. At that point the courts will not disrupt the child’slife unless the child says they want to move in with Dad.

I’ve been told many times by women who know what they’re talking about that being a single parent is much, much EASIER than raising a child with a husband. :eek: NOT ONCE has a divorced woman told me in person that single parenthood is more difficult - never. Widowed women? Yes, but not divorced women. Women who were never married to the child’s father have been split on this, and a lot of it depended on how much money he made :dubious: .

I’d personally wait until the child was 18 before allowing him to do a search. That the extended family has not reached out speaks volumes as well; chances are, he never told them about this, and it’s probably not the only time he’s done this kind of thing.

[slash2k]

@TruCelt

No woman in her right mind refuses help from a man who is interested, loving, and reliable.

The number of women (and men too) who are NOT in their right mind is rather astoundingly high.

I knew a guy who wanted to be involved in his child’s life, and the mother was Not Interested. Yes, he was a sperm donor, because the mother used him as such and discarded him as soon as she found out she was pregnant. (He didn’t find out for months, and even then only because a mutual acquaintance saw her and said something to him.) He tried to call her, she blocked his number. He sent a check to help her with expenses, she returned torn up into little bitty pieces. This was her child, her possession, and she didn’t have any intention of sharing. Yeah, she was nuts on other grounds, but I think he would have been a pretty good father, and he never got the chance to try.

[astro]

@nearwildheaven

I’ve been told many times by women who know what they’re talking about that being a single parent is much, much EASIER than raising a child with a husband. :eek: NOT ONCE has a divorced woman told me in person that single parenthood is more difficult - never. Widowed women? Yes, but not divorced women. Women who were never married to the child’s father have been split on this, and a lot of it depended on how much money he made :dubious: .

I’d personally wait until the child was 18 before allowing him to do a search. That the extended family has not reached out speaks volumes as well; chances are, he never told them about this, and it’s probably not the only time he’s done this kind of thing.

Possibly it’s “easier” if the man is a jackass, or if the mom is a difficult person and doesn’t like people in her business, but I think the focus needs to be on the child. While some can get by fine without a dad for many there are issues especially when it gets to the point that the mother cannot command the respect of physically stronger or aggressive kids and then it’s all about kids being out of control, courts, police, counselors etc. No one “needs” Dads until it’s too late and by then it’s a big, fucking panic.

Some

[Velocity]

I can understand not letting the father know about the child. But if the child someday wants to know about the father, it would be a violation of basic human rights, IMHO, to withhold that information. Wanting to know about your biological parents is a fundamental human curiosity.

[nearwildheaven]

What if she found out the father died? Would she be able to get Social Security death benefits for the child even if he wasn’t on the birth certificate?