Some background first, I think: I’ve never met my dad. Mum got pregnant with me while at university and while he (my father) knew she was pregnant, he didn’t know he was the father (hey, it was the seventies…!), and she left shortly afterwards to go home to my grandparents, who helped raise me.
I’m 26 now, and I’ve never really felt I missed out. The way I’ve always looked at it, I have a great family who have always loved me and supported me, I’ve never been short of male role-models - my grandad’s a lovely, caring man, and my mum’s two brothers are great, so I’ve been a lot luckier than most. But, as I mentioned in a thread on MPSIMS the other day, I had this dream the other night in which I met my dad, and we had this wonderful, gentle relationship, and as silly as this might sound, I feel as though I’ve finally had a glimpse of what fathers are for.
I’ve never tried to find my dad, because I’ve always gone on the assumption that it would be so unfair to disrupt someone’s life like that. It’s been the best part of thirty years, he probably has a wife and kids of his own by now, the last thing he needs is a some blast from the past turning up and wanting to get to know him.
So my question is this: would you want to know? I should stress, I have absolutely no financial designs on him, nor I would I expect to be welcomed into his family with open arms. But is it worth giving him the opportunity to get to know me, assuming I could find him? Or should I leave well enough alone?
I would. But I’m a father. It might also be good to ask older guys who are single. Also I would have wanted to know a lot sooner, I’d suppose. And I would at least initially be suspicious of your motives.
Not a father, but I was in almost the exact same situation as you were (my parents were married, though, so my dad knew I existed).
Whatever you decide, I hope it works for you. My (unsolicited) advice is to be prepared for all scenarios. It may work out great, but you might get your heart broke, too.
FWIW I asked Mr. Carmichael, a father, your question. He says he would want the kid to come find him, but would be extremely pissed (the words “flames of hell” were used) at the mother for not telling him.
Funny enough, I’m in the exact same position as you, only I contacted my father and informed him. He was less than pleased and it hurt alot more than I thought it would. So just proceed with caution. YMMV.
I have actually seen this happen. I had an employee that started working for me shortly after we opened our plant and was still with us when we sold out (26 years0. I knew that he’d been married and divorced when he was younger. His second marriage seemed happy at first, but as the years went on his wife kept putting more and more financial pressure on him (she wrote bad checks and generally spent too damn much). He had a son that he would do almost anything for. He is a very good man, who had problems.
One day, a young woman walked into our office and wanted to see this employee. I asked her who she was and her reason for wanting to see him. She said “I’m his daughter.” To say I was shocked is a gross understatement. I knew it would do no good to send her away, so it was left up to me to go get him and to try and ease the initial shock for him. I don’t know if I was very successful, but he didn’t fall over with a heart attack (he already had one) or go bananas. He did what was typical for him, he accepted the fact and opened up his life to her.
I don’t know too much about their interactions after that afternoon, but I know that the contact only lasted at most a couple of months. The last time I asked him about her, he said he wasn’t sure where she was.
Shortly afterwards, he and his wife divorced. That is said only as a fact. I have no clue as to whether there was any connection between her appearance and the divorce. If I had to guess it would be that it may have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. That isn’t all bad as he since has found someone that appreciates him for what he is; a real good guy.
If I were you, I’d tell him, but expect nothing. Maybe he’ll welcome you into his life, maybe he’ll want nothing to do with you. Or anything in between. But I think most people would at least want to have the choice available to them. If you don’t tell him, you’re forcing him never to have anything to do with you, whether he wants to or not. Of course, it’s your choice too, and if you really didn’t want to know your father, I would say that’s your perrogative – but it sounds like you do, so I say go for it. Just make it clear to him that you’re not trying to pressure him into a relationship he doesn’t want.
Another father here with grown children. I’d definitely want to know if I have another offspring out there. That’s my immediate response. But I’m not sure exactly why. Maybe it’s partly curiosity, but it’s more than that. I think it’s just natural to have some connection to someone who shares your genes. And I’d want to help and be supportive in the same way as I would treat my other children.