Not a clue how to go about finidng him, I know very little about him. On the rare occasions I’d thought about this, I imagined I’d write to him, then leave it up him if he wanted to contact me.
You should go for it. My best friend was adopted. She tracked down her parents when she was in her late 20’s. Her mother wanted nothing to do with her and she and her father now have a birthday/xmas card relationship but she is glad she did it.
Couldn’t Somerset house help (if I have remembered the name right). My husband answered a few questons about his family there. It did take a solid week of investgating though.
I’m not a father, so I’m not supposed to comment, but I’m with Ottoerotic here. Proceed with caution: you risk severe emotional scars for noth of you if he considers that part of his life as something he’s left behind. He might not be happy with your mother, with something like “Why didn’t you tell me?” making up much of their future conversation. He might get in trouble with his current partner and family, if he has any - many wives/girlfriends/partners don’t take kindly to mysterious children reappearing out of the past.
Having said that, I suppose he could be happy about it, and might have a supportive family, so I can’t say not go to for it. But be careful.
This is not a nice thing for me to ask, but allow me: do you need a father figure at this stage of your life?
No. Which is why I’ve not done anything about it, and I why I probably won’t now. As I said, I have a great family, a loving and supportive family, I don’t need a father figure. And I’ve always assumed, just like my mother did, that not telling him was right thing to do. I just wanted to get some objective opinions on whether that was a reasonable assumption, that’s all.
I’m a father and I think I would want to know. Yes, it would be hard on my wife, and I don’t know if a relationship would develop or not, but I would want to know.
I have a friend (in his 50’s) who was adopted by a good family. When his adopted dad died, he looked up his birth family. They were still together, and he turned to have younger siblings. He dealt with all this pretty well, and so did they. He has a bit of a relationship with his birth parents, but not much of one.
I think I would be the same as his birth parents. It would be good to know, and I would keep in touch, but I don’t know if there would be more than that.
I’ve been a husband for a few months more than I’ve been a father. Of course I’d would want to know.
That said, it sounds to me like you have a good father or three already.
Thought I would add my two cents here.
I’ve met my father only once, at the age of nine. Ever since, I have wondered about him. I have absolutely no urge to establish a father daughter relationship, nor do I want to intrude on his life. But I do have some pertinent questions about his family history, and I am curious about the missing side of my family.
I’ve called every Canadian with his last name, twice in my past, to no avail. So far, I’m not willing to take it further.
But, if I could find him, I would want to - regardless of the outcome. Knowing is better than not.
Good luck
- Rebekkah
I’m in a similar position as you.
My mom got pregnant by my father with my older brother and had him back in 1973. She never told him that he was the father. Then in 1974 they produced me. She never told him he was my dad either. (How he didn’t figure it out or if he did and never said anything to her I don’t know.) Anyway, we had a very good (if poor) upbringing with lots of good role models from my mother’s family. It never occurred to me to wonder about my father (caucasian) which is funny because my brother and I are biracial and look nothing like my mother’s family (clearly african-american). When we each turned 18 our mother told us “the secret” and told us that if we wanted to contact our father she’d help. At that point we didn’t for varying reasons - mostly though, because it seemed pretty clear that she would have been very hurt emotionally.
At anyrate, my mother died in 2000 very suddenly (diagnosed with cancer in June and died in September). I now find myself the parent of a child (4 months old) with no paternal grandparents and almost no maternal grandparents.
I want very much for my daughter to have a grandparent. But I know my father is married and has other kids and I’m afraid we would probably not be welcomed into his life. I think I’m going to try and find him though, if only to find out his side of the story of what happened between him and my mom. (They lived in what is still a fairly bigoted rural area, and mom cited the bigots in his family as a reason for not telling him. Which I don’t doubt - but I’m really wondering how he could not put two & two together. Or if he did and didn’t care.)
Did your mother have a reason for not telling him about you? If she didn’t because he was a horrible guy and beat her up, then personally I wouldn’t pursue it, and would just keep the memory of your dream and your relatives.
No,she would have told us if that was the case. Even if he was and that was why she didn’t tell him, I’d still like to meet him. I like reality more than dreams.
Got a cousin who’s adopted.
He went on a quest a while back to find his real parents. He located his father, who was married to someone by then, had kids of his own, and so forth.
It did not work out well. Dad would really rather have been a pen pal, as opposed to actually getting to know his by-blow. Dad’s kids felt threatened by this strange new man, so much older than they were, who claimed to be their brother. Dad’s wife felt distinctly disturbed by this walking talking reminder of her husband’s “wilder days.”
After several visits, and some awkwardness, Dad finally told my cousin to go away and not come back.
Tore my cousin up pretty nicely, that. Also led to some trouble between Dad and my cousin’s adoptive father, who didn’t really like it when my cousin started his quest… but didn’t stand in his way… and was now quite angry at this other chap for being so insensitive towards their son.
My take: go ahead and do it, if you have to… but do it with an open mind. Keep in mind that your real parents could be great people… or jerks… or crackheads… or ghod knows what.
Don’t let the dreams blind you to the potential realities.
I’m a dad. I don’t think that I’d want to know. I wouldn’t consider myself as your dad and you certainly wouldn’t think of me that way. Given your description of events, it sounds like he was more like a sperm donor. I think that the potential downside would more than outweigh any benefit that might come from it.
Good luck in whatever you decide.
I feel I should say something in defence of my mother. My dad was not just a “sperm donor”; they were in a relationship, albeit a brief one. Nor was he a bad person - mum described him as a rather quiet, distinctly reserved, very kind man. He was an actor* - she maintains I was conceived at the aftershow party of a Brecht play he was in, although I suspect she may be romanticising a little there! - which is something that has always intruiged me about him, as I trained as an actor, and it’s not a talent which comes from my mum’s side of the family.
So why didn’t she tell him? She’s never fully explained, but I expect it had something to do with being 22 and terrified. She had planned to have an abortion, but got to the hospital and realised she couldn’t go through with it. Maybe she thought it was better to “ruin” just one life rather than two - bear in mind, even in the late seventies, it was still a disgrace, especially for a working-class Catholic girl. He would have been expected to marry her, being a respectable middle-class boy he probably would have done, maybe she wanted to spare him that. It was unlikely to have worked, they had very little in common, by all accounts.
I’m speculating here, I know. But my mum’s a good woman - I’m not just saying that because she’s my mother - she has a huge heart and boundless compassion. Whatever her reasons were, I’ve no doubt she believed she was doing the right thing.
*No, before anyone asks, I don’t think he’s anyone famous now!
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cast aspersions on your mother. What I took from your “hey it was the seventies” comment was that this was a one-night stand. Given that they were in a relationship, I think that that would change my opinion on wanting to know. If I had fathered a child with someone that I had cared about, I guess I would want to know. Is there anyway that you could find out any information about him before contacting him? That might help you decide if you want to go through with it.
Your mom says she is certain that she knows who your father is. You state that he knew she was pregnant but she didn’t tell him that he was the father. This puzzles me. Why would she tell him there were others if there weren’t? If there were others she can’t be certain who your father is without some testing, can she?
I think that one would have to know more of the details from back then before one could tell for certain what their reaction would be 27 years later.
I’ll proceed anyway, assuming I was Future Dad and your mom simply told me she was pregnant by persons unknown and wenthome:
I am a father with adult children and a wife. If you rang my doorbell this morning and presented yourself as my previously unknown daughter, it would make for one helluva bad day.
You would be welcomed into this family and loved, by all involved, I’m certain of that. But: I’d be furious that your mom had left me ignorant of the situation 26 years ago, and that she had chosen to keep me ignorant all this time.
While you would be welcomed and loved, knowledge of your existance would create a number of complications, and who really needs more complications?
I hope this works out well for you.