Should I look up my "birth" father?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My parents divorced when I was around 2 and I have never even thought about looking him up online while my parents(Mom and my adoptive Father were still alive).

He was in the navy while married to my Mom so it would be relatively easy to do so(I have my birth certificate with his name and saying he was in the Navy with his rank at the time)

But SHOULD I do this? He in all likelihood has raised another family in all this time(this was around 40 years ago). Do I have the right to disrupt people I don’t know just to satisfy my curiousity? I don’t have any medical reason to find him other than just wanting to know about him.

Him I am not so worried about…in all this time we(my Mom and myself) never received any child support nor has there been the slightest contact between him and me. In fact until I was 16 and getting my drivers’ license and needed my birth certificate I never really knew my “Dad” wasn’t my birth father. Even then we(Mom and I)never spoke about him.

I have seen the divorce decree and it says he was abusive but to be fair back then there was no no-fault divorce and they had to say SOMETHING so it could be just what they put down to get the divorce.

But should I? Or would this be a mistake?

2

Is there any way you could mail him a letter saying you’re his long-lost son, you’d like to make contact if he’s interested to, but you don’t want to disrupt his current life - then let him decide?

3

Turtleboy, perhaps you could find a mediator to contact your bio-dad for you. That way, you don’t have to deal with it quite so directly if dad doesn’t want to deal with you.

How long have you been thinking about this? If you haven’t been seriously thinking about it for at least six months, you may not want to dive right in.

Additionally, you might want to find some forums where this is discussed. Perhaps hearing how other people felt about contacting or not contacting bio-parents will help you resolve your feelings.

(In any case, I’m sure you’ll leave a hard, clear finish, Tommyturtle.)

4

Make sure you can handle any rejection that might occur.

My son’s father and I split up before I even knew I was pregnant, so he was out of the picture by the time my son was born. Although my son could never really understand, I’m sure, why his father would not be willing to come back into our lives, as long as it was never an immediate issue he could always keep it on the back burner. And of course, I’m sure he allowed himself to rationalize all kinds of scenarios - hey, maybe my mom never even told him about me - that sort of thing.

Then, when my son was five, I suffered an acute complication of a chronic disease that nearly killed me. The result was that I was on welfare for almost two years. In Texas that meant that they would pursue the father for any costs that should have been shouldered by him via a paternity suit and court-ordered child support, a portion of which they would deduct until their costs were recovered. Of course, we’re talking about the government, so it took five years for them to even open a case, and another two to finally get Steve into court. For two years we went to court every six weeks only to learn that Steve had once again ignored the summons, or subpoena, or whatever it was. Alan went each time, hoping to at least see the man that contributed half of his genes, even if there would be no chance of a relationship of any kind. But one court day in May, Alan decided not to go becuase it was the same day his school was having its year-end awards ceremony, and since it was his final year of grade school and he was going to receive several awards, he decided not to go to court with me. That, of course, would be when Steve finally decided to show up. By now Alan was twelve and was well aware of the fact that support orders always included visitation orders, too. When the first child support check came, but there was never any discussion of when his dad was going to come visit, he knew. He knew his dad had no interest in him whatsoever. He was finally forced to deal with it and couldn’t. It was shortly after that he began his three-year drug-alcohol-petty crime odyssey.

Since you mention forty years have passed, you are clearly not a 12-year old boy, and I’m sure your personality, psyche, and maturity are well-developed and the rejection will not throw you into such despair that you take to getting high to mask the pain. But deep down inside, we are all still 12 years old in many ways. So, just be sure you are prepared, no matter what the outcome is.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, no matter which way you decide to go. This must be a tough, tough thing to go through.

5

Your story is sad, but your implied notion that the evasive bio-dad is somehow partially responsible for your son’s descent into drugs, crime etc. is not really altogether fair. One of the reasons social service agencies encourage mothers to tag bio-dads ASAP pre or post birth is that men who do not connect with their kids early are much less likely to want to be involved with raising their offspring.

If a man is informed 10 years or so down the line that he has a child he never knew about because the mother made no attempt prior to inform him, or even if he was informed, to involve him with the child in some fashion, that child is essentially a physical and emotional stranger to the father and the complications involved in establishing a relationship with this heretofore unknown person may be more than the man wants to bring into an already messy and dysfunctional life.

6

In the first place, where did I even imply that dad was responsible, even partially? Secondly, how did you get the idea that dad was not aware he was a dad until 10 years later? You are sadly mistaken on both parts.

7

Remember as you get older you view on life changes. You are prepared and interested in finding your father after 40 years… and i’m sure ‘He’ is too.

Go ahead, life is short. If you are stable enough in your own self then nothing ‘He’ can say or do will make you feel less of a person.

I found my father after 30 years. I haven’t actually met him yet, but we have spoken. When I first called him I was 22 and he was not really interested and in denial. But just last year (8 years later) I called him again and he was happy to chat.

Life changes.

Give him the chance to make things better.

Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering!

8

What’s so important about genetics anyway? Your mother and stepfather raised you, so they are your parents. I for one wouldn’t look up the biological father as that concept is meaningless to me personally.

9

Optihut If I had to spend months researching to find this man I might agree…however with the internet I could in all probability find his present address in a couple hours.

I have anyones’ natural curiousity about the man no matter that he hasn’t been in my life…it wasn’t enough curiousity to think about hurting my Mom or “Dad” while they were alive but they are gone now and I find myself wondering not just about him but whether I have any half-siblings out there.

What brought this to a head was a conversation with my girl friend about MY past…in college I had many “encounters” that were not safe back then. She asked me what I would do if a 20 year old suddenly looked ME up here and now…what would I do or how would I feel?

I realise this is unlikely and yet still possible. The thought that occurred to me was without knowing my OWN birth father and how that has affected me all these years would I wish the same on someone else?

I realise the situations are not the same since I am talking about a hypothetical child versus my own father who has known about ME all this time without any attempt to contact me…of course I could just be rationalizing…it’s hard to be objective about something like this.

The more I think about this situation the more I think any contacting should be done by him not me…I’ve lived my life thus far without him in it and despite my curiousity I can continue without him in my life just fine.

Him finding me would not be that much harder than my looking him up and he has not done so…I think that’s my answer right there.

10

Tommyturtle,

Background, I’m an adoptive parent of a four year old boy. My husband has a bio sister who was put up for adoption and met the family 20 years ago. And my father’s story is similar to yours. So I know a little about reunions.

I’ll share my Dad’s story with you.

My dad was born during WWII. He was always of the impression that his bio father had walked out on them when he was two - about a year after the war ended, and, for this reason, never had any interest in finding him. His mom remarried and his father (who adopted him and I knew as Grandpa) was a wonderful man.

One day the phone rings. My dad is in his 40s. Its his bio father’s wife, looking to set up a meeting. They are in town (they drove up to make the phone call and arrange the meeting, they lived a twenty hour drive away).

So my Dad finally meets his bio father. And he discovers that there are two sides to every story. Seems that his mother ended up moving to Ohio with him after the war with bio-dad, didn’t like being away from her family (she was all of 15 years old when my dad was born) and she is the one who hopped a train out of town - my dad in tow. Seems also that the whole “your father never wanted any contact with you” wasn’t quite true either…money was sent and spent, gifts were sent and never acknowledged, and finally, when my grandfather adopted my dad, my bio-grandfather was informed there would be no further contact and he was expected to sign away rights as was best for the boy. (Which it was, and he did).

Don’t have huge expectations. My dad and his bio-father trade Christmas cards and letters and a phone call once in a while. My dad had his curiousity settled, and his father had his settled as well (he was worried that my Dad had died in Vietnam, my Dad would have been that age). My mother in law is in fairly regular contact with her bio daughter. Its an awkward relationship (made worse because of the feelings of my sister in laws adoptive mom), but its put my mother in law and sister in law at ease - my mother in law about what happened to the baby she placed for adoption, my sister in law about who she is and why she ended up with the life she did. And I’ve talked to many adoptees who have had their search end in a dead end - or outright rejection.

I would look him up, enough to send him a note and let him know you are still alive. He may not want to contact you because of guilt - he may be under the impression that your mom told you horrible stories about him. He is likely not nearly so computer saavy as you are and as aware how easy you’d be to find, and may feel like he has no right to intrude in your life. And there may be some truth to the abuse part of the decree. But, he won’t live forever. People who don’t know their birth parents often go through life feeling that something is missing. You have the opportunity to fill in the hole at least a little bit. And as a parent, I can’t imagine having a child out there and not being at least curious.

11

If nothing else, you might want to get a medical history. That doesn’t necessarily require any personal contact, since I think you can arrange for mediators to do that sort of thing, and it could be invaluable if you ever need it.

12

[slight hijack] I have a similar situation, but I’d like to know what websites/services I could use that would be helpful. Anybody know? [/slight hijack]

13

I’m 15. I never knew my Bio-dad; When I was 4 my mom married and he adopted me. Then, when I was in grade 5 they divorced, but he’s always been “dad” to me… I never really cared that I wasn’t a “child of his loins”. But, then my mom remarried again, to a total Jackass who I hate (won’t go into details; I’l never shutup) and I started to get curious about my bio-dad… I dunno what started it, I mean, I always wanted to know about him but it was never on the forefront of my mind.

I remember asking mom about him when I was around 3… she said “he’s gone”. I assumed that meant that he was dead, and she didn’t refute me. So, up until about last year, I had always thought that he was dead.
Then one time I asked my mom where she thought I could find his grave, you know, to go visit him. She just looked at me werid, said why “he’s not dead” and then left it at that. Well, that just fired my curiousety. Mom didn’t seem to want to talk to him, so I talked to my other reletives and they told me his name, and everything they knew about his location and such. Finally, last March, I tracked him down. I was visiting my grandparents downsouth in Lethbridge, Alberta, and after about a whole day of deliberation, I called him.

He was the boss of the resturante, so I wasn’t expecting him to answer the phone himself. He did.

mm8b: Hi, is “birth-dad” there?
bd: This is him.
mm8b: Oh? Uh, hi… (high pitched voice) how are you?
bd: I’m good thanks, how are you?
mm8b: oh, uh, fine, thanks… umm, does the name “MM8B with Maiden name” ring a bell?
bd:uh… actually, ye-
mm8b: well, if it does, then I’m your daughter. Hi.
It was kinda scary.

Turns out he lives about half an hour away from where my dad(adoptive) dad lives… his girlfreind works there. So, I’m going to meet him for the first time this summer.
I would really recomend meeting him. I felt alot better about myself, after I talked to him… you know, “My mom DIDN’T buy me at safeway like she told me she did! I actually belong!” …
Its a good feeling, knowing where you come from.

14

I was adopted. For as long as I remember, my parents never hid that fact from me. Now, I love them very much, and would not have had it any other way (them being my parents), but one day I got a wilde hair up my arse about finding my birth-parent/s. So after some long reaserch, and many aborted trips, I finally worked up the nerve to attempt contact. I was active duty Marine Corps at the time, and went all dressed up in my Blues. A woman opened the door, I asked her name, told her who I was and why I was there, and promptly had the door slammed in my face.

But please don’t take my story to mean you shouldn’t try. Just know that you should try to prepare for a different reaction than you expect. Also, you might want to sit and think a bit on why you are wanting to make contact.

And last, but certaniily not least. Don’t worry about messing up their lives. They f@*ked with yours in an inadvertant way, so who cares. Plus, medical history is very important. I now have two children, and when asked by a doctor about family history, we can really only give my wifes.

15

Crap my post disappeared

In a nutshell I said that I don’t know if I have the right to disrupt his new familys’ lives by introducing myself at this late date.

I may as a compromise just find him without him knowing and if he turns out to have children and a wife decide what to do then.

For all I know he could very well have died in the last 40 years(he was 21 when my parents divorced…he’d be about 64 now) and all this is just an intellectual exercise.

16

I would 2nd the suggestion to write him a letter introducing yourself and letting him know that you chose this method as the least likely to disrupt his current life.

I went about the same tactic and at that time I honestly felt I did not really want a relationship, just medical history info. My bio-dad responded with a phone call and we spent about an hour on the phone. After that, I did not speak to him for about 4 years.

Fortunately, I got the opportunity to met him in person several years ago. We have a great relationship now. It is odd sometimes, like two adult men becoming friends vs. “father & son” but it is changing. I have a half-brother, half-sister, and a nephew (Uncle MeanJoe!) now, which is great when I’ve been an only child my whole life.

I don’t want to say it would be easy. I held a lot of hatred towards this man when he was “unknown” due to my belief that he rejected me as a child as not being his. I encourage you to pursue this though, the rewards can be incredible and it is never too late.

MeanJoe

17

Tough one and I don’t have any advice. Yes, Missy is being helpful as always ;).

I’m adopted - and I’ve been looking into my past as well. I have not yet been successful finding any relatives; I know my birthname (the original one on my birth certificate) but don’t know my parents names or anything. I’ve made a few phone calls (based on internet searches) but haven’t gotten anywhere. I get “so far” with my searching and then stop; I guess deep inside I’m really kind of afraid what will happen if I find anything out people wise - I mean I know my nationality, what my birthparents did for a living, what their physical characteristics were - just not WHO they were.

Tommyturtle, would you let me know what you decide to do? I’m curious only because I’m kinda going through the same thing, kinda. :slight_smile:

18

Missy2U I will find out everything I can find out about him online but not contact him until or if he has no new family.

If he does then I will rethink what to do next…if I decide I just cannot live without at least talking to him then I’ll call him.

Like I said though…it’s been a long time probably longer for me than for you and there is a good possibility he’s passed away by now.

Even knowing I have half siblings out there somewhere might be enough to give me a sense of finality so I don’t have to have this in the back of my head forever or it may make me decide to pursue it further…I don’t know right now.

Good luck with YOUR search…I hope you find what you are looking for…although it seems from the other posts I got so far neither of us should expect anything more than answers…maybe that will be enough.

19

Hamsters ate my post, so I’ll try to reconstruct it.

Tommyturtle, I’m not adopted, so I don’t have real-world experience/advice to offer you. I know you’re trying to be considerate and this obviously something that’s weighing on your mind, but it seems like with all the conditions you’ve placed on contacting your father, you’re already talking yourself out of it.

  1. Chances are greater that he will already have a family than not. From what I can tell, it’s not as though you are asking for financial or even emotional support at this point. Your mom (his ex-wife) has passed away - this is a way to find out about a chapter in your mom’s life, too.

  2. 64 is not that old!

  3. I have no basis for believing this, but I can’t imagine that he hasn’t thought about you in the last 38 years. Sure, maybe the thoughts are not as frequent as they once were, but surely he’s had to have wondered what type of person you turned out to be. As someone mentioned, there are 2 sides to any story. Maybe he was a class A jerk, but has grown up or not (21 is pretty young to be a father) or he wasn’t a jerk and has wanted to contact you, but refrained for fear of not wanting to interfere with your life.

If, after your research, curiosity gets the better of you, perhaps you would consider writing him a letter. It’s minimally invasive and puts the ball in his court. He can then decide if he wants his life “invade” by you.

And to Miss Magic8Ball, your comment “My mom DIDN’T buy me at Safeway” made me laugh, which was a nice thing to end such a sweet post. (My mom used to tell me she found me in the market sitting next to the rock I popped out of.) Congrats on reaching out to your dad. “It’s a good feeling, knowing where you come from” ← how wise. :slight_smile:

20

Peg 64 certainly isn’t old but since my “bio” mom AND my adoptive dad have both already passed away at a younger age than that I have good reason for not holding out that much hope.

You could be right about my thinking up excuses NOT to contact him…it’s a scary thing to think of looking up someone who with all the available information I have now has had 40 years to find ME and has not.

Sure he could have all the reasons you mentioned and many others I have no idea about but still contacting him and having him tell me to beat it would be hard to deal with…I am an adult male but this is my “daddy” and a further rejection by him would hurt.

I still think baby steps is best…at each juncture to reaccess how much I am willing to risk. At a certain point I won’t be able to get more info without potentially alerting him someone is checking him out.

I am almost pathalogical about my privacy…even people close to me do not know more than the most basic of details of my life. So that’s another thing to consider…finding about him may also mean I have to reveal things about myself to him as well.

I WILL find him…I WILL find out about him(his work…his other family if there is one) but will I chicken out at the 11th hour? I don’t know yet.