My dh admitted the other day that he’s not sure he wants to be a father. Which is, of course, wonderful news since we’ve got 2-yr-old twins.
I’m betting he isn’t the first father to feel this way. I have a lot of questions; any answers (or other answers and opinions) would be appreciated:
Was it an adjustment phase for you, something related to your feelings about your own father and the role?
Was it specific to your children’s ages? Did you outgrow it when they grew up?
Was it related to your children’s personalities? Did you feel incompatible with them? Did you feel alienated by your wife’s child-rearing philosophies, sort of “left out of the loop”?
Or just alienated by the whole “now we’re a family” thing?
Was it b/c you’d lost your previous relationship w/your wife and was no longer the center of attention?
Well, for me it was an instant switching of the fences.
When my then-wife informed me she was preggers (my first, her second), it was a shock to the system to say the least. Up till that point I spent my single life specifically trying to avoid this kind of news.
Throughout the pregnacy I was scared, nervous and unsure as to whether I really wanted to be a father at all.
But then the second my daughter was born – and I mean the second I saw her – I knew that I wanted nothing more than to be everything I could be for this little girl. And it’s been that way ever since.
Every second after I saw her face for the first time, I can’t imagine being anything other than a dad to her.
No, I wanted to be a father very much. It was probably my biggest life goal and the arrival of our first was planned as soon as we bought our first house. We scored on the first try. It was a huge adjustment in terms of workload and although I didn’t always enjoy it, I always considered it part of the goal. I almost snapped a couple of times during prolonged crying episodes. My wife stopped paying much attention to me after my daughter was born but I didn’t care much to be honest. I am very much looking forward to our next daughter being born in less than 3 months but I know how hard the first year is. I prefer my kids to be ages 2 and up.
I wanted to be a father - I just wasn’t sure I could do it. And few moments in my life were more terrifying than the feeling that the door had slammed and I was locked inside - a father now, for better or worse, and no going back.
I think it’s normal for both genders to have doubts and/or ambivalence-no matter the age of your kids or not having kids yet.
It is such a huge thing and so very permanent-I think he’s being honest is a good thing.
But, it could also mean that something is going on with him. Is it really parenthood for him, or is it another issue that needs to be explored?
There are days when I am ambivalent about mothering, but then I try to imagine life without my kids and I just can’t. Has he thought this through–this ambivalence? Or is he feeling the constraints of parenthood a bit more now, for whatever reason?
I was delighted when my wife became pregnant the first time. When she wanted another baby, I wasn’t so sure. I was perfectly happy with the way things were.
The second baby turned out to be twins, which put us both into shock. I honestly think I adapted to it sooner than my wife.
And yeah, knowing that you’ll always be in second place can be hard to swallow.
There’s nothing unusual about a little ambivalence. But the feeling should turn into “Wow, I never knew what I was missing” instead of “Gee, I miss what I used to have.”
If he’s having trouble seeing it that way, counseling might help.
No ambivalence at all. I wanted a child. My preference was for a daughter, so I was even happier when I was blessed with a little girl; but I had no doubts at all that regarding fatherhood.
I agree. If your husband is still on the fence with toddlers running around, I would suggest a serious sit-down NOW.
Does he play with them? Does he read to them? Did he interact with them as babies? Does he try to get out of the house as much as possible?
I’d say a red flag has been raised, and you need to get to the bottom of this ASAP. Children need fathers as much as they need mothers, and a bad father is worse than no father.
I guess I’m the minority here. I did indeed have issues with becoming a dad. Both our children were unplanned, and a shock at the time. I had no idea what to expect, what would change and how things would work out. We were isolated from any family or support network so we had noone to turn to for advice, help, etc… . My father has always been very distant so I really wasn’t going to get any advice there. I had no benchmarks whatsoever.
And things did indeed change, tremendously. It was hard work, especially the first few years. But I found that despite the fear and the uncertainty regarding my role as a new dad, I grew into it. Loving my kids was never the issue; figuring out just what being a dad meant was the issue.
I think those of you who are suggesting counseling are perhaps overreacting. Being a dad changes your ENTIRE life, and some folks take longer to adjust to that, regardless of how committed they are.
If I read your OP correctly, it means that your husband has been the father of twins for 2 years and still doesn’t know if he wants to be a parent. If that is correct, that is very, very disturbing and I would say a warning sign. You need to find out if this was just a one-off comment based on mood or if he has felt that way the whole time. If he hasn’t bonded with the twins by now and identifies with himself as a real father, something is very wrong. That feeling is nothing new and happens to many men but the consequences tend to be very bad for the whole family.
I would imagine that being a parent of 2 year old twins might be about as challenging a parenting situation as any I’d care to imagine. I could understand perhaps feeling overwhelmed and questioning whether one has the fortitude to continue, in a rhetorical sense. I think that’s the real question, is it just a verbalization of feeling overwhelmed, or is it a true “I think I gotta get outa dodge” feeling.
Interesting replies, thanks for sharing - it helps to hear what others are going/have been through.
He is in therapy. I don’t know what’s going on there, I’m trying to stay out of it, but I imagine the subject has come up.
Yes, he does play with & read to the kids - often with real enthusiasm. He has refused to watch them on his own. However, I’m going to be working on Saturday mornings, so he’d better get used to it.
I would say that is the key. I know that being the parent of young children can be overwhelming and I have often encountered twins in public with my wife and daughter and said “There but by the grace of God go I”. However, even though I was having major depression and anxiety issues when my daughter was very young, I never said that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a father. That was the only part I was happy about.
I suppose the real question is how persistent the feeling is. I don’t think I would ever say or think something like that but I can see how someone else might in a moment of distress. OTOH, I don’t think it is honest to automatically give someone the benefit of the doubt for something like that when there are plenty of men that feel that way and act on it.
Not at all, but we were very careful and put off our child until we reached the level of preparedness that we desired. I’m sure that if Sophie had come, say, 10 years earlier, I would likely have been of a different initial mindset.
No ambivalence whatever, which is a little odd, because until I had kids, I hadn’t really considered the matter except superficially. And I don’t consider myself a person that “loves kids” per se. Maybe it’s just my stoic nature. It’s not like you can put the clock back, after all.
I completely agree. How persistent is this feeling and how is it manifested–that is the key (to my mind).
I am glad to hear that he interacts with the twins etc–but this “I won’t stay with them” crap is just that–crap*. Why is it babysitting when it’s the Dad who is doing it? And this guy won’t even “babysit”. Argh. Drove me nuts when my kids were small…but another thread.
*unless he is concerned that he hurt them if he has to deal with them alone. Sorry to bring up stuff like that, but it should be discussed. I doubt it, I think it’s more along the lines of “I dont’ want to be bothered”, but still.
My husband didn’t believe I was pregnant until our daughter came out. The fact he had a hidden methadone addiction probably fueled that. Since he’s sobered up, he’s all about being a dad.