Long-ass title. Couldn’t think of a way to shorten it. Long rambling emotionally laden story to follow.
We’ve been married for ten years and have two fabulous boys. We are both the youngest of three and had always talked about having three. I had a ton of anxiety over even having kids but have (overall) really enjoyed it. Number 1 was very planned; number 2 was a little earlier than we had intended, but having two boys less than two years apart has been great. I went back to school for a 3-year program, and we knew we would really need to wait until I was done with that. Well, last summer we had a big blowout about all kinds of stuff and it sort of came out that I was worried about being able to emotionally/mentally handle being a mom of 3 if I was having such a hard time being a mom of two, so we decided to put the whole idea on hold, leaning towards no. I ended up going to see my therapist about it because I was so wedded to the idea of having three that the thought of NOT having three felt like a death.
I’m a LOT better now that I’m working full-time and not feeling lost and consumed as a SAHM, so I was really thinking that maybe we could re-visit the topic and get back on track with figuring out a good time for #3. Well my husband has now gone from leaning towards no more to no more - period, full stop. Again, I feel devastated. I LOVED being pregnant; labor and delivery wasn’t necessarily enjoyable, but I wanted to do it again; and my favorite thing ever is snuggling with a tiny newborn. (BTW, I would NEVER be one of those women who accidentally/on purpose gets pregnant again when her husband doesn’t want to.)
Of course, he brings up all of the practicalities - he’s almost 40, his car is 17 years old and getting more expensive to repair/maintain every year, we have debt we’re working on and my student loans will come due soon, we already have two to put through college, etc.
So how have you dealt with the decision to have no more kids when you’re not the one who wants to stop? Did it take a long time to feel resolution? Were you bitter?
I swear I cry every time I take something out of the 3-year-old’s wardrobe because he’s outgrown it.
I think this is one of the hardest situations a couple can deal with, because it is so deeply unfair feeling. In truth, of course, it couldn’t ever be fair, but your heart feels so differently. I don’t have any real answers for you, but I think continuing with therapy is probably a good idea.
I think marriage counseling would be a good idea, though. NOT because I think your marriage is in trouble – but this is a pretty big issue that the two of you need to work through and resolve, whatever is decided, so it doesn’t become an issue that festers over the years.
You could try to have him look at it from the other practical perspective, it’s something you really desire, and you have a limited amount of time before it’s too late and it’s something that will be with you for the rest of your life.
People’s biggest regrets in life are usually related to what they had a opportunity to do by didn’t. Or so I’ve heard.
This is a fight which could blow apart your marriage if you guys cannot compromise. I had a whole thing typed up with my opinion, but my opinion really is not relevant to your situation. So, get to couples counseling. Therapy will be helpful for you, but it would be much more helpful to go together.
My wife and I are having the same issue - my objection is simple: if she got pregnant today, I’ll be 45 when the kid is born, and I do NOT want to deal with a teenager when I’m sixty, nor have to pay for college when I’m nearing retirement.
I wish you luck… I don’t have much advice since I’m young myself. I just wanted to reach out and say good luck.
There is no right answer. I wrote awhile back on the 'dope about all of my mother’s brothers being divorced; how one of their marriages was perfect and they raised my awesome and successful 3 cousins that I’m now pretty close to. They divorced because they could not agree on where to retire. I think they both regret the decision, 2 years later. But the crazy part is that there was no right answer. It was all up for discussion, for negotiation. I think it’s much easier when one part is just right and the other takes some getting used to the idea. But when there’s no right answer…there really is no right answer and it’s just about learning to be happy with the outcome.
So I guess my advice is whatever happens, don’t let resentment build. Don’t let it come between the two of you. Be grateful and thankful for your family as is. Stop thinking about envisioning your family of 5 and just be thrilled for how you are now. Enjoy the moment, as it were.
Have you considered a small dog? You can snuggle with it all you want and buy it all sort of cute little outfits all without the negative environmental impact or the economic, social, and psychological committment of being responsible for bringing another human being into an overpopulated world.
'Scuse me while I bang my head on the desk. That is about THE worst reason to get a dog, not just because of the possibility of allergies, phobia of dogs, or just plain not liking dogs.
Dogs need training and discipline, not just endless snugglebunnies. They need routine and exercise or else they end up yappy highstrung little basket cases. Cutesy dog outfits do nothing but interfere with their regular walking and bathroom-going abilities (I don’t mean putting a dog sweater on a shorthaired breed in cold weather, I’m talking the frilly little tutu’s with matching headband and slippers).
Dogs cost money for vet visits, nutritious food, beds, toys, etc. They are a time commitment as well.
Telling someone to get a dog instead of working out the issues regarding having a child or not is just irresponsible.
Yes, I do have my undies in a wad over this, but my sister’s one dog came from a rescue organization after she was tied to a post and left outside to starve and was beaten if she barked, because the bastards who owned her couldn’t be bothered to give her the exercise and discipline the breed needs.
I’ll grant you that a dog is not a robot and requires time and commitment, but it’s a better choice than having another baby that one spouse does not want.
I dunno, I think as long as you are realistic about what a dog is and isn’t, and you go into it with a clear head, it isn’t an awful idea to get a dog to take up some of that “Need to cuddle”. Lots of small lap dog breeds really enjoy being help and cuddled a lot, and kids need training and discipline too. Taking care of a dog can be a real distraction, and can fill a hole in people’s hearts. Just be responsible about it.
I’m not saying that’s what the OP should do, of course; I just don’t think it’s the worst idea ever.
I don’t know if it’s a good reason to have a baby just because you like babies. They will grow up just like your other two did. Are you disinterested in them because they’re not babies anymore?
What happens when #3 grows? Will you want a #4?
If you just like the idea of holding babies and spending time with them you can get a job at a daycare facility working in the infant room.
Some of the feelings you describe aren’t necessarily related to the desire to have more kids. I was the one who wanted only two , but I was still sad as I packed up the clothes and toys , realized that this was the last very first day of school , missed having a baby, toddler , preteen etc in the house. But I would have felt that whether I had one child or ten spaced two years apart- it had nothing to do with wanting another child , and a lot to do with realizing a certain stage in my life ( and theirs ) was over and not really wanting it to be.
The OP did state that she and her husband had originally talked about having three, so she probably kind of assumed they would be eventually. Changing their long-term plans permanently is probably a much bigger source of stress than her current ones “getting too big to cuddle.”
We already have a small dog, and a cat is not going to work because said dog HATES cats. Fritzi is a wonderful snuggle bug, but not quite the same.
I would love to be a surrogate mom, but since I have a history of mental heath issues (depression, anxiety, ADHD) and really can’t function well without my prescription, that’s not a viable option for me. I have no idea what’s necessary to be a foster parent in my area.
Many hospitals need volunteers to hold and feed babies. Can you look into that for some snuggle time? Or can you volunteer in your church nursery on Sunday mornings? My mom did that for a while when my brother (and the grandkids) moved out state and it helped her a lot.
I don’t have kids myself, but I’m a little concerned with what you wrote about how stressful it was for you being a SAHM when your boys were little and how you’re much happier now, but yet you’re fixated on the idea of doing that again?
