Is This A Dealbreaker Or A Compromise Situation?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Bit of history: I’ve been with my husband for going on nine years. We have two children together, one born before we were married.

I was (and to some extent still am) the type of person who never wanted kids and doesn’t like other peoples children. I don’t know what changed, but I now find myself desperately wanting another one. I don’t feel that my family is done, and I would like a third child sometime in the next two years.

My husband is completely opposed to the idea. He is adamant that we will not have any more children. When I broached the subject today, his exact words were ‘Well, you had better find someone else to sleep with, because I’m not having any more children.’

Dealbreaker? Or suck it up, buttercup? Thanks for any insight you can provide. :frowning:

2

Do you mean you’re willing to divorce your husband because he doesn’t want another child? :confused:

I strongly believe both partners in a relationship must want a child, or there’s no child. I can’t believe you’re considering busting up your family and taking your kids away from their father because he doesn’t want #3.

You can try talking to him, to see if he’s willing to come around, but if he’s not, that’s that, you stopped at two.

3

My husband is completely opposed to the idea. He is adamant that we will not have any more children. When I broached the subject today, his exact words were ‘Well, you had better find someone else to sleep with, because I’m not having any more children.’

What can you do? Nag him until he “gives in.” Probably not the best way to bring another kid into the family.

Leave him? Not likely.

Maybe he’ll change his mind. Or maybe after a while you’ll decide you’ve changed mind.

If I were you, I’d ease up. If you’re still set on having another child, wait a bit to talk again. Then tell him in a way that lets him know why it’s so important to you to add another child to the family.

Good luck.

4

I’d give it some time, both for yourself and for your husband. I don’t know how old either of you are or how long you’ve wanted a third child, but your time estimate of “sometime in the next two years” suggests you have time to let the idea settle in both your minds and time for you to see if maybe you can come around to seeing your family as complete the way it is.

I would ask your husband within the next several days why he doesn’t want another child specifically, ponder his answers, within a week or so give your opinion on them and possible solutions or compromises to his objections as well as reiterate how strongly you feel about it and why, and then let the matter rest for a while, perhaps agreeing to both think it over for a few months. If he remains as adamantly against another child a year or so from now and you still feel as strongly that you want one, at that point you can weigh your options and see if it’s a dealbreaker (if you’re willing to give up what you have now to pursue having another child).

Good luck, and try not to feel that you have to make a decision now. You have time, and such big decisions are best unrushed.

5

I asked for insight. I’m honestly not sure what to do, and thought I’d ask for advice on an anonymous message board rather than spout to family and friends how unhappy I am with this situation. (Complaining about a spouse to people who know both of you definitely comes back to bite you in the behind) Thank you for your opinion.

6

Well, my insight is to be happy with what you have. If your husband doesn’t want another child, and he is firm on this issue, then respect that and love the family you have.

7

So, how did you get the two you have? Were they mistakes, or planned? Did you make a deal some years back, like “two and no more”? Does he seem not to be terribly fond of parenting the two he already has?

Are you talking about some biological urge to birth another child? Or would adoption fill the need? Or a role as some kind of volunteer Big Sister?

8

It’s worth having a calm, thorough discussion with your husband about. Anything you feel this strongly about shouldn’t be kept from your spouse. But I think **ivylass **is talking the straight truth about your choices, if he really feels the way he says he does.

I would be delighted to hear you decide to channel your mothering urge into helping kids who are already here but need more caretaking. When you say you “don’t like other people’s children” that comes across to me as very selfish–“I want to *have *another child of mine.” If you want to do more parenting, there is plenty of that to be done. Maybe your husband would be more open to providing foster care to older kids (doesn’t want to do the diapers thing all over again) or respite care (doesn’t want the 18-22 year commitment and approximately $200,000 cost *not including *wages you forgo to take care of the kid or college expenses).

And I don’t know how old you are, but if you would be an older mom, the higher risk of a disabled child should factor in there somewhere. If you really only like *some *kids, how prepared would you be to care for a kid with disabilities, potentially for the rest of your life?

So I’ve gotta say another kid doesn’t sound like a great plan to me, unless your husband’s reaction was only a flip response to you catching him by surprise.

9

Children are extremely expensive to have and maintain and taking another one on deliberately is typically a decision that both people really need to be on board with. In real world terms it is likely he will be the primary economic engine if you have a family with three kids. Many middle class, and upper middle class people, will try to stop at two simply due to the resource limitations involved in adding another child.

The odd thing in this scenario (to me) is that your OP is effectively phrasing this 3rd child as something you feel you must have and are asking if you should consider breaking your marriage to obtain it. You need to understand that most people would view this perspective as highly unusual.

Re -

You need to ask yourself what’s driving this desperation. If you can’t even articulate it should it really be something you will sacrifice your marriage for?

10

I also agree with Ivylass. It sounds, in your post, that you are considering ALL options, and divorce being the veiled big one. That would be a pretty drastic decision to make, and doesn’t match in seriousness with the problem. (hmm, did that make sense?? I hope so!)

I also wanted another child, when my two were 6 and 4. He was strongly against it. We discussed it, and he said if I had a better reason than “I want a baby to hold and cuddle, and do that stuff with”, then he would listen. I stopped and reflected long and hard… and realized that my mothering role had changed, while mentally I was still in the cuddly/baby mode. That is NOT a reason to have a baby, because eventually that baby will grow past the cuddles too.

If you have a strong desire for a baby to hold, the local hospitals probably would LOVE to have your cuddling arms to hold the babies there while the Mom/Dad take a break.

11

Astro has a good point here - for example, after I had my second child, I developed a nagging desire to have another one. This was while I was going to talk therapy and I soon discovered that my desire for a child was actually projected from grief I still had from my own childhood. This was also keeping my behaviour at an immature level. Once I got all that worked out I was a much better mom and lost my desire to keep popping out babies.

I think in your it’d be easier to figure out what’s going on that to go through the expense of having another one, much less the damage you would cause in your relationship by forcing one on your husband.

Either way, good luck. :slight_smile:

12

"I think in your case it’d " and "much less dealing with the damage " Gah.

13

I don’t think “compromise” is the right term under these circumstances. This is a binary decision that both people have to commit to. A compromise would be that you have half a child and that isn’t realistic. You have put him at all or nothing gunpoint which is pretty aggressive.

14

Just get a puppy. Problem solved.

15

Are you seriously thinking of breaking up your family, and separating yourself and your children from their father for most of their lives simply because you’ve decided, out of the blue, that you want another child? Wow.

The discussion about whether or not to have a family, and how many, should ideally have taken place before the marriage. From what you said, I gather your stance was that you weren’t all that interested in kids right up until the time you got pregnant. And so I’m sure your boyfriend was really surprised when you turned up pregnant. Yet, instead of walking, which he had every right to do because he didn’t have a say in such a huge decision, he stayed and helped you create a family.

And how do you pay him back? By giving him “Another child or I walk” ultimatum? That’s absolutely unfair and incredibly disrespectful. Your marriage is comprised of TWO adults and both of you has an absolute right to green light or veto more kids given that you BOTH raise them.

It’s also incredibly unfair to your current children to even consider breaking up your family so that you can be a single parent to three kids. Do you have any idea what kind of life that would be for you and more importantly, for them? I know women who are single parents, and none of them has the quality of life with their kids as women who are fortunate enough to have stable, happy marriages. Do not underestimate the presence of a mother and father in children’s lives. Heck, don’t underestimate having two people who can lend a hand in bath times, homework, car pools, etc.

I honestly cannot believe that you are seriously considering leaving a guy who’s done nothing wrong but assert his right to not have any more kids. Personally, I think you and your husband are ideal candidates for a couples’ retreat. Maybe you need to re-discover each other and marvel at what a wonderful family you have instead of pining for something you want and can’t have.

16

I don’t know your age, but the urge to have another child is very strong for many women in their late 30’s - early 40’s.

Some women even have a sense that their “babies” are growing up and not needing them anymore. They’re looking ahead to a life with a husband that they barely know…alone…and it scares them to death.

Before you talk to your husband any more, please consider counseling or some serious soul-searching to get a handle on where this sudden urge is coming from. It may be rooted in very selfish motives and not the best circumstances to bring a new life into the world.

17

There are a couple of other options than either just split up, force it to happen or deal with it as is. You could talk to your husband about foster parenting. Perhaps he just doesn’t want the responsibility permanently. There’s being a Big Sister and of course, there’s plenty of ways that you can volunteer to work with children that would be vastly rewarding.

Now I realize this is not the same as having another child of your own, but it another choice or two that you could throw into the mix to consider so as to possibly quench some of your desire.

Good luck though in whatever you and your husband decides to do.

18

Seriously, OP, what do you perceive will be the benefit you will get with a third child that you don’t already have with two? Now ask yourself whether or not that benefit will still be a driving force if it means you’ll be a single mother of three who will be trying to coparent with your current husband–either as a resentful coparent of three kids or coparent to two with yet another person as coparent of kid #3.

I’m so not seeing the overwhelming advantage of kid #3, unless you’ve been assured by a reliable source that it will be a new messiah or perhaps Superman. Even that might not outweigh the pain in the ass factor of having to fit three kid seats into the back seat of a car. Sounds stupid, but it has a cascading effect that parallels in the microcosm the greater issues in the macrocosm.

Sounds to me like you’re just having a baby fit. I had them too, in my late thirties–it was pretty easy for me to say no to that considering I was a grandmother by then…

19

You’ve gotten some good advice above, and I’d just like to add that, if you should divorce your husband and go looking for someone who will willingly get you pregnant within the next two years…how good a relationship would THAT be? If, as a divorced mom, you could even find someone to date? How good a relationship or marriage would that be, with him knowing he was just a means to your end? And then if that relationship ended, you’ll be chained forever to two men who really are a bit pissed at you, and probably guy #2 will be a bit resentful of the kidlet, too.

But having said that, I know what you are feeling. I wanted a third child very, very much, and my husband refused on the grounds that I was too fat. Then, after he divorced me and married someone else, he offered to give me the third child I’d always wanted…fortunately, I declined his generous offer. And today, with two grown kids, I’m glad I’m not still trying to get a child through school, as I sit here near the poverty level, at 51, with arthritis and all those other wonderful signs of aging.

Do I regret never having a third child? A bit, but really, the desire passed after a while…especially when we were all alone and struggling to get the three of us fed. I have no desire for changing diapers, or being pregnant, anymore. If I had been able to have a third, just a few years after the second, it would have been the perfect timing. But as it is, I can wait for the grandbabies that may never show up, and enjoy snuggling other people’s babies, and then hand them back.

If your husband is a good man that you love, who loves you, find a way to deal with the loss of this dream until the urge fades. But that doesn’t mean you can’t discuss it with him a bit more to find out what exactly his objections are…financial? doesn’t really like kids? kids you have are old enough that he sees the light at the end of the parenting tunnel and feels he’s too old to deal with babyhood again?

20

What will you think of your family if your husband isn’t a part of it anymore?

Honestly figure out where this desire to have another child is coming from before you make a decision. Do you feel a need to snuggle a baby? Do you feel like you have less to do now that your other children are growing up? Do you feel like you have built your identity on being a mother and you are watching that crumble as your kids grow up?

I know it seems like an odd suggestion but the person who recommended a puppy may not be too far off the mark. If you are just looking for someone to snuggle with while your kids do their homework and your husband watches the game this is an excellent solution. If you feel like you need someone who needs you this is still an excellent solution. A puppy is kind of like a baby that never grows up…they always want to be in your lap and they come running when you get home from work, etc.