You don’t mention any other problems with your husband, so I’m going to assume that he’s a good father, and that your family is reasonably happy and functional, aside from the conflict over having another child. If that’s the case, breaking up your family (if that’s what you’re intimating with the “dealbreaker” question) would be immensely painful for both your children and your husband. I don’t see how that could possibly be worth it, for the sake of (maybe) having another child.
Think about this: what do you envision happening if you decide this is a “dealbreaker”? Do you imagine that you would divorce your husband, then marry someone else who would step into his shoes, be a good parent to your existing children, have a third one with you, and then you’d have a happy 5-person family? I suppose that could happen, but I suspect that you’d end up with something far less pleasing. What if you divorced, and your husband got custody of your children? What if you don’t meet someone else? If you’re desperate enough about having another baby to get divorced, do you think you might make a bad decision and quickly marry someone just to get pregnant? What if you get pregnant, and Dad #2 doesn’t love your first two children like Dad #1 did? If your kids figure out that you dumped their dad to have another baby, how will they feel about their new sibling, and about you? To sum up, there are a whole lot of ways that you could wind up regretting that you didn’t appreciate what you have.
I don’t mean to belittle your desire for another baby. But, you should think about the big picture, and what’s likely to be best for everyone in the long run.
I just have to chime in and say I can’t imagine being so cavalier about breaking up my family and ending my marriage. I’m sure there is more to the thought process than what was captured in the OP and that and I’m guessing there must be some deeper problems in the marriage for divorce to even be on the table.
Seriously, people…a puppy? Shouldn’t the OP be mildly offended by this? I’m sorry, but I think that I would be. Would you actually say that to her face? Apologies if I’m being to offensive, but…dayum!
Okay, I’m probably going to give you the same advice as many other people here, but I’m going to do it without the “you’re a stupid horrible person” tone (seriously, WTF people?).
Your sudden inexplicable urge for another baby is probably fleeting. It may be hormonal, it may be emotional, and many of us have been there. I remember feeling an actual physical craving to be pregnant when my daughter was around two years old, and while I absolutely knew intellectually that I didn’t want more kids, it was a powerful feeling. It passed. Yours is likely to pass as well.
If this is the only significant issue (and by “significant” I mean “possibly divorce-worthy”) you have with your husband, bless your lucky stars. A happy marriage is a rare and wondrous thing. Way more rare and wondrous than say, babies.
If this ISN’T the only significant issue you have with your husband, that’s a whole other thing, and doesn’t exactly bode well for having more babies anyway.
Take a deep breath and figure out what’s going on with YOU before you start fights with him over it. Good luck.
My feelings, too. And he was the one who proposed she find another mate (sarcastically, I assume).
Because the OP didn’t want kids and had a child before they married, I assume the first was a ‘surprise’ that they kept (feel free to correct me). So what happened between child one and child two? Did they discuss the size of the family they hoped to have? Did she take the 2.5 stat close to heart?
I absolutely would say that to her face and I would hope if I were in a similar situation someone would say the same thing to me. If she is just looking for a love outlet or someone to take care of because her children no longer need her to hold their hand every step of the way a puppy or kitty might be the perfect solution. It depends on why she feels she needs a third sproglet. If she wants a baby for different reasons the puppy idea isn’t so hot but she has said nothing except that she wants a 3rd kid and her husband doesn’t and she is trying to decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker for her family. If she can keep her family together by getting a pet that would be an excellent solution. We need more information to know if that would be viable or not though.
There’s a certain order to do things in. It can be deviated from, of course, but doing so will make your life a hell of a lot more difficult. In a nutshell, if you have one child left at home when the others have long grown and gone, that will screw everything up. Kids, then empty nest and the change of lifestyle that implies, then grandkids if any. Don’t drag out the parenting phase. It rarely does anyone any good.
If your husband didn’t want any children and you did, that would be a legitimate dealbreaker. But I don’t see this as the same thing. It seems selfish to think about depriving your children of a father who lives with them because you want another baby.
You can’t make your husband want a third child. And, I note that in your OP, you said that you were and to some extent still are someone who didn’t want kids and doesn’t like others’ children. Since what you’re feeling now seems to be a huge divergence from what you felt earlier, you really need to think about why you suddenly must have another baby. Plus, what if you have another baby, only to suddenly revert to how you felt before?
I’d say be happy with what you’ve got. Other than this, is your marriage sound? Are your kids pretty good kids? If so, I’d second the idea that you maybe volunteer to help some kids who really need a caring role model. If not, a baby is absolutely not the answer - if your marriage needs help, work on that. If your kids need help, help them. Don’t toss another kid into the mix just because you want one.
Children already here should take precedence over any possible future children. Once you have children you have to consider their needs and happiness just as much as your own desires.
My wife and I were in this situation. She wanted a 3rd kid after ~8 years of marriage and I was done. We talked about it over 6 to 9 months, her explaining why it was so important to her and I explaining my viewpoint. After these calm discussions, I decided to relent. My desire to keep my family intact (not that she was threatening divorce, but her being unhappy would shift our relationship in that direction) and my spouse happy was more important to me that the effect of having another kid on my life. I love my kids, and while I do feel that in certain ways they are cramping my style, I would not trade them for the world. It just means that the plans and goals I have for my life are going to have to be put off another few years…
Anyway, this was ~2 years ago. We tried very hard and were not successful. We even spent a couple grand talking to fertility doctors only to find that the chances of her getting pregnant again and carrying to term were very small under any and all circumstances (meaning that their was no technology that offered much hope, even if we dropped 50 grand)… We both agreed that we wouldn’t take drastic and expensive steps; we have two beautiful children (6 & 4) and a wonderful family. Too bad though, I was actually kind of excited by the prospect of another kid…
You can look at it both ways: in her case, she’s got two, that’s more than a lot of us (like me) have been able to have and, IMO, there is no reason on earth not to be satisfied with that if that’s the hand dealt you. On the other hand, especially depending on the ages of the children, you can ask “what’s one more?” This is more true in a family of young kids than in a family of teens, but this is a family of young kids. The sticky part is that neither has the right to a deciding vote. I personally believe that if the OP puts this on the back burner for a year, she’ll be over it, but I could certainly be wrong. The OP’s husband could be so head over heels with a new baby that he couldn’t imagine life without it, although getting him to that point might be quite the journey. I guess I would say that each parent should list reasons supporting his or her position on the subject. His will probably be more practical and hers more emotional. Hmmmm. Maybe there’s the answer! Or - maybe not.
Anyway, I think he gave her the ultimatum, not the other way around.
Oh, I should also say, I think hormones play a role in the desire to have another child. I really dislike babies and yet went through fertility treatments trying to have a second child following the birth of my son and a miscarriage. We’re talking shooting myself up, ovary pain that continues to this day - 7 years later, going to have IUIs during my lunch hour at a clinic with terrible parking and then one day just saying, “Oh, my GOD! What am I doing? I don’t want another baby!” That’s why I say to back burner it.
Actually, my sister did get a puppy when she felt the urge for another child when sh knew it was probably just hormones (she had three already). It worked for her. She had a new, adorable, mostly helpless thing to sit with, housebreak, whatever, who needed her and never got tired of being with her.
She loves her kids, and now her grandkids, but has always had at least one dog since then. She’s a person who needs to be needed, so it works for both her and the dogs (all rescue dogs, which helps too). Not saying this is the answer for everyone, but it’s one that does work for some people.
