My half sister, to be specific, has a son who will be three next month. There is no question that his speech is delayed, although his doctor presented my sister with a very liberal baseline (two or more words strung together) many months ago and she’s clinging to that. There are a number of pretty basic things he can’t or won’t do. They include saying his name, responding to his name, saying his age or holding up two fingers when you ask him his age. Even words like “Grammy” and “Papa” are not clear. My son is named Matt and my nephew adores him and calls him “Mom” because he can’t or won’t say “Matt”. After spending time with him and with some children a bit younger than him I noticed that while he smiles and makes frowny faces, he kind of has a blank look in his eyes. He’s clearly not deaf. Worth mentioning is the fact that he was four weeks early and his mother’s diabetes was very poorly controlled during her pregnancy. His father’s intelligence appears to be a bit limited, also. For real, not just because we’re in-laws.
Currently his mother and I are the only extended family living in this area. We work hard to be cordial and supportive. Her husband is semi-estranged from his family. I know that she is quite firmly in denial and would not be open to any suggestion that she get him tested. It would cause a great deal of trouble if I suggested it. Even though he will be of the right age, he will not be in a part-time pre-school this fall. He broke his leg over the winter and now my sister isn’t ready to even be apart from him for a few hours a week due to the lost “fun” time.
And yet, he’s not so bad off that early intervention wouldn’t make a great deal of difference. She knows all about this due to experience at work and through her best friend, who has a very disabled child.
It’s such a disservice to the child to let him continue without at least being tested, but I really don’t know what to do. Any thoughts?
Don’t cause a great deal of trouble and keep quiet.
Since you’re not this kid’s parent, you can’t take him off for testing yourself, so the only thing you can really do is suggest to his mother in the strongest possible terms that getting him tested/evaluated would be beneficial for him. If I were to do this, I would couch it in terms like: There may be nothing wrong with him, but if there is, there are early interventions that can make his life a lot easier in the long run, and it’s better to know than not know. It’s possible that just making the suggestion to her will make her very upset with you, so that’s what you have to weigh before deciding whether to say anything. It is also possible that no one has said something like this to her in clear and unambiguous terms, and maybe that’s the kick in the pants she needs. Or maybe she will just hate you and cut off contact with you. Not knowing her myself, I have no idea which way she could go.
Personally I would probably say something, but then, I have had a child with mild speech delays so that would allow me to come at it from the standpoint of, “I’ve been through this myself.”
Either way, good luck. I hope she gets her kid in for some help. Even for children with very mild speech delays and social problems, early intervention can prove invaluable.
First some reassurance: it’s not unheard of for late talkers to grow up into intelligent, normal people. I think Albert Einstein didn’t start talking until he was 4. Granted, he may not have been “normal” but he wasn’t a drooling idiot, either. Hence, the “liberal baselines” being used these days.
That said, there could be all sorts of reasons for this, from something innate to chaotic home life to something that probably hasn’t occurred to me. He might even talk more at home but less elsewhere due to shyness issues.
The best you can do is voice your concern, perhaps encourage her to enroll him in some sort of preschool/kindergarten/day camp/whatever, maybe bringing it up as a way for him to learn social skills with other kids or some way that focuses on the positives instead of saying anything that might imply in the smallest way that there is something wrong with the kid.
Is the kid due for a 3 year checkup soon? Hopefully the Dr. will go through the normal checklist and notice something is amiss him/herself. Our pediatrician goes down a checklist at yearly checkups and asks if our kids are doing/have met those guidelines. Even if she lies about it I would hope a pediatrician would notice a 3 year old who cannot say or respond to his own name.
I have a 2 1/2 year old and if he could not do the things you say this child cannot do I would be very concerned. But if the mom won’t take your advice there is not a lot you can do. Can you think of anyone who she would listen to?
I’d just leave it be- which is the standard response to “Should I tell someone how to raise their child?” It sounds like he has a loving and attentive (if somewhat clueless) mother that is providing a stimulating environment.
If he does have problems- so what? Right now he is presumably pretty happy, unaware of his limitations and simply experiencing his life as it is. Mom seems pretty happy adoring her kid. When you look at it that way, it’s hard to see what the “problem” really is. When he reaches kindergarten he’ll no doubt be surrounded by plenty of tests, consultations, specialists, therapies, labels, classifications, etc. I don’t think it’s that bad of an idea to just let him spend a few years being a kid who is loved and cared without expectations.
This was what I was thinking. The only problem is if she is firmly in denial she may just assume the pediatrician does not know what he/she is talking about (“I know MY child better than he does!”) and not follow up. I was going to suggest talking to the father but if he is a bit dim-witted then that probably won’t help.
My wife is a school psychologist and sees this type of shit all the time. Unless they are physically neglecting their kids, there is no way to make a parent do what is best for their child. It is a very sad situation.
I disagree. If he does have a problem (and I’m sure we’re all thinking that it sounds like autism), then the earlier the intervention, the better his long-term outcome. Letting it go until kindergarten- that’s two years of progress he’ll never get back. This really isn’t a matter of how to parent a child; it’s getting therapeutical intervention for a disease. If the nephew was obviously ill with a fever and coughing, yet their parent seemed to be ignoring the symptoms, you’d say something, wouldn’t you?
The only thing the OP can do is suggest testing. Emphasize that there’s really nothing to lose and everything to gain.
You can say something or not, but it’s ultimately up to the parents of course. It’s sad though.
My little girl, as I’ve mentioned a zillion times, has a pretty bad auditory processing disorder. She has daily therapy with me and weekly therapies with an OT and a ST. We struggle daily to see slow change. At five she has the language capacity of a three year old, which is a vast improvement since she was three and barely talked at all. She has a really bad comprehension problem (still in the dx process almost three years later but she is apparently still considered in the autism spectrum) so expression is made even harder.
I’d speak up and risk making problems. She may be thinking of this herself, but like me may have been told by the pediatrician that her son will catch up. Other family members may have given her false assurances too. I was put off over a year by the doctor who insisted she was just slow to mature or whatever. I had to push hard to get any sort of testing done and was made to feel like I was overreacting the entire time.
Reality is going to be all the more harsher then. When the other kids are talking and playing in kindergarten and he can’t or he talks funny, he will be isolated or picked on. When he gets pulled out for special services, it will be noted that he is different. If he has issues that can be corrected it is WAY better to have them addressed now while he doesn’t know what normal is and doesn’t realize that other kids don’t go to see the speech pathologist, etc.
This is absolutely the wrong advice. There are early intervention programs run by the state, to help children with developmental delays or disabilities, and they are there for a reason. The earlier the treatment, the better prognosis for the child- we’re talking about a kid’s whole future here! Wow. Please don’t have any special-needs children.
As to the OP- does this kid, by any chance, walk on his tiptoes and flap his hands?
Agreed. (Well, except the bit about “please don’t have any special-needs children”; I thought a lot of silly things too once about how to raise children, but you can bring yourself up to speed awfully damned fast when the situation requires it.)
Waiting until kindergarten to address issues like this is way, way too late.
I would say something. Maybe find the website for the early intervention program and give her the info. Both my kids got tested by early intervention, one for a possible speech delay and one as a routine test because he was a preemie. Here, the test is free, the people administering it are extremely nice and the kids actually enjoyed the test, which is basically like playing.
I brought over some posts that were made to a duplicate thread, started presumably inadvertently by the OP, to this one. Hope we didn’t lose anyone along the way.
Do the research, find the best local child-psychologist. Then, just mention:
“You know, I heard a story the other day about this wonderful doctor in town. Apparently she can help kids who start out with trouble talking and such, and get them caught up before they start kindergarten. From what they were saying, it makes a huge difference for the child if you start right away. It made me think of little Alloysious - you really should take him in to see her. . . they were saying how this one little girl who didn’t talk until she was four was all caught up by the time she started school and actually near the top of her class. . .”
I’m working fast here and not developing well, but hopefully you get the idea. You need to encourage her to hope for her child, and build dreams for him. Give her an image of what help might consist of, and what it could accomplish, and that it is normal to address these things. Then back away slowly, and let it steep. Even if she doesn’t seem to be listening, in a quiet moment it will come back to her.
When you’re done talking, be done. Don’t bring it up again unless she does. And be sure to cuddle the child and give compliments to her and the child before you leave. It’s very important that she knows you love them both and are on their side.
I don’t want to be a muckraker here, but are you certain of how his leg got broken? Do you feel certain that they are safe?
My step-brother, her half brother, and his wife seem to be the voice of authority on that side of the family. Perhaps they could say something and I know they would not react unkindly to be bringing it up. Hmmm.
But, really, NO expectations? Not even to say his own, one syllable, name? Or put up two or three fingers when someone asks his age? I’m not suggesting teaching him to read or anything.
He doesn’t. He actually walked a little earlier than my own son, and walks normally, and he doesn’t flap. He was in a body cast this winter and, while it took him three weeks to walk again after it came off, when he did he was fine.
The thing about intervention is, my sister knows all about it. She taught in Head Start, for heaven’s sake. It’s frustrating.
And, honestly, the more I think about it, the more I know she realizes he’s slow with not only talking but comprehending. He was wondering away and not paying attention to her telling him to come back this weekend so my twin and I told her to tell him the bad man might get him (controversial, I know, but effective) and she said, ''oh he’s not anywhere near there yet." He’s almost 3!
The blank look is really what gets me. He’ll smile and say hi or call your name if he feels like it but there’s nothing really there.
I agree - babies learn to respond to their names very early on. There is a wide range of normal when it comes to speaking, but an almost 3 year old who does not even respond to his name is outside that range on any scale.
When you call his name what does he do? Does he even turn and look at you?
And if you can get your step brother to say something that would be good, I think. I have had issues like this in the past where I didn’t feel like it was my place to speak but I still thought something should be said, and finding someone else who they will listen to is often a better way. Sometimes people react to the messenger and not the message.