The Shitbird

[Scylla]

Prelude: An Admonition to the Moderators.

This is a story of a curse. Of a rage and hatred to equal that of Achilles on the fields of Troy. And, as Briseus was to Achilles, so is the placement of this thread in this forum to me. Leave this thread in the Pit, where it belongs or suffer the curse of He-whose-thread-must-not-be-moved.

Despite, my genteel language in describing the following events, my rage is large. It is only with the greatest degree of self-control, that I describe the following in mild language. Think of it as the calm whisper of a madman before he explodes.


****

Perhaps you've heard of the Shitbird. If so, it has probably come up in the context of Bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster, Unicorns, Aliens, or threesomes with college girls. Everybody knows somebody who claims they've seen bigfoot, or had a threesome, but in the way of urban myths, nobody will actually claim that they, personally, have firsthand knowledge. So, let's get this out of the way:

The Shitbird is real. I know.

This is my story:

About two weeks ago I walked up to my Ridgeline truck and there was a bird, a Robinlike thing sitting on the mirror. It flew off as I got closer. When I got in the truck I noticed the bird had shit all over the mirror. The mirror. I wondered at the physics of it. The mirror is at an angle. Gravity would tend to pull shit down, not sideways. So, the bird must have thrust its cloaca towards the mirror at the moment of shitting in order to impart a horizontal velocity thus impacting the mirror.

It seemed unusual, but I am hardly an expert in vectors as they apply to avian defecation upon an inclined plane, so after puzzling over it for a few moments, I went to work, washed my truck over lunch, and promptly forgot about it. It could have been a freak gust of wind that blew the shit into my mirror.

'Tis the wind and nothing more!' I thought.


I came home that evening, got changed, and went outside for a jog. There, on the same mirror was the Shitbird. As I got closer, he flew away. There was another huge shit in the same place, plus he'd shit on the other side of the mirror as well.

I thought about this as I jogged, and concluded that my truck mirror was probably a convenient roosting spot near his nest.

Only this, and nothing more.

So, I came home and washed the shit off with the hose, and then moved my truck to the other side of my wife's car. The next morning, no bird, no shit, no problem.... until I opened the door. While the bird was nowhere to be seen, there was birdshit on the door handle.... and now my hand.

I am beginning to feel mildly peeved.

I go back to the house, wash my hand, get a towel and some windex, wipe off the door handle, and go to work. I saw no bird. No reason to assume it was the same bird, right? No reason to get angry. I just let it go.

For a week, that's the end of it.

Last Saturday, I drive off in the morning for a run with my running buddy. I return at 10 AM. It is already getting hot. At work, in the heat, I leave the windows partly open to keep the inside of the car cool. If I'm at home for the night I leave them closed in case it rains. On a Saturday in July, if I know I'm going out again, and if it is really hot, and then, only sometimes, I will leave the windows open to keep the car cool. Last Saturday was an if, if, and sometimes kind of July Saturday.

Later that day, when I returned to the car, the Shitbird was on the mirror, and so was the shit. I walked closer and the shitbird flew off. It wasn't a particularly big shit on the mirror, but it was a shit nonetheless.

"Hmmm. " I thought. "I'm going to have to do something about this."

I checked the door handle, and it was clean. I opened the door, got in, turned on the key, put the truck in "drive" and got shit all over my hand. The Shitbird had crapped right on the gear selector. It had also crapped on the dashboard. Oddly, the first thought that crossed my mind was "Well, that solves that puzzle." The vast quantity of shit on the gear selector and dashboard explained the relatively small quantity of shit on the mirror. The Shitbird must have been nearly empty for his final effort.

That evening, after cleaning the car... again, I told my wife of the Shitbird. "What are you going to do, Scylla?" She asked.

I looked at her mildly. "I'm going to kill the Motherfucker."

Sunday morning, I got the pellet gun, a cup of coffee, the new Dave Robicheaux novel and a chair. I put the truck in the Shirtbird's preferred location, and then I waited.

(Part two coming up. Will post this now, so it doesn't get lost to the Hamsters.)

[Jackmannii]

Preview: Scylla shoots the Shitbird.

All is calm for a week, and then Scylla walks out to his truck, only to find that several members of PETA have taken a dump in it.

Scylla grabs his handy SKS rifle, and waits...

[magellan01]

I had a forefather of he Shitbird do almost the same thing to me about two years ago. First the one mirror 1, 2, 3 times inside of a week. The a hiatus of about a week. Then the mirror again. Then after about three days, I stopped to run in and left the windows open. No shit on the mirror. No shit inside the car. But the mother of all bird shits right on the friggin rolled down window. After trying to get it off by roll up window—clean—roll up window—clean—roll down window—clean, for about 20 minutes, without great success, I took the car to the mechanic I know and had him yank the damn panel off and clean it. Frustrating as hell.

But then, my shitbird stopped. I think it might have been all the cleaning product, but who the hell knows. Good luck with your Elmer J. Fudding.

[Count Blucher]

Why do I hear music playing...?

SPOILER:

...Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change...!

[elucidator]

The bird shits on your truck. Your truck shits in his air. Look at it from his point of view.

[Frank]

Originally Posted by Scylla

(Part two coming up. ...)

Oh, for Pete's sake, don't bother. You get a hardon for a fucking bird because you can't be bothered to take the minor effort required to keep birds out of your car. Whoop-de-do.

[Scylla]

The necessity of looking up every few minutes to check for the Shitbird made it difficult to read. It kept intruding into my thoughts. What did the Shitbird want? What was it about my truck, that so attracted the Shitbird? The color?

These questions were a defense mechanism, a compensation. In my secret heart I feared, that I knew the truth. My truck had nothing to do with it. The Shitbird had come for me. One can hide from these things, but in one form or another we all have it coming, and the Shitbird is waiting. As I kind of, sort of, read my book I gradually admitted this truth to myself. What I couldn't figure out though was why. I couldn't recall pissing of any gypsies recently. Perhaps it was the spirit of a dead enemy? Sadly, as far as I knew, all my enemies (such as Frank) were still alive (which I guess doesn't say much about my skills as a nemesis.) I couldn't think of any wrongs that I'd committed which could be symbolically righted by the curse of the Shitbird.

Maybe it was just one of those things. In The Raven, the narrator hadn't done anything wrong except pine for his girlfriend. In the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner, all the sailor does is kill a seagull, and then everybody on the ship practically dies of thirst except the narrator who is then cursed for eternity to walk around confessing his bird murder to wedding guests.....


Hmmmm. Considering the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner, was what I was planning a good idea? Anyway, what were the chances the bird would show up while I was actually waiting for it with a pellet gun in my hands?

And then of course the Shitbird showed up. It took residence on the truck mirror. I lifted up the pellet gun which was equipped with a cheap scope and sighted on the nasty thing.

By now, the astute among you will realize that there's a problem here that I failed to foresee. Had I thought things, through I'd have realized the problem and the potential consequences. It should have been obvious. In hindsight, it was.

I had the Shitbird in my sights, and, when the Shitbird is in your sights, what do you do?

You pull the trigger.

So I pulled the trigger.


(Part 3, the finale, coming up.)

[missred]

Hmmm...I think there may be a bluegrass song in this story somewhere...


(Composing while waiting for the ending)

[AWB]

Awww... "Poe" you...

[magellan01]

How much will the new mirror be costing you?

[Scylla]

Just for giggles, I think I'll wait a little while and see if anybody can guess what happened.

[Scylla]

Originally Posted by magellan01

How much will the new mirror be costing you?

$165 installed.

[ToeJam]

At the start, with the Moderator Admonition, I thought this was going to be an elaborate metaphorical story about your rage for another poster. I was still trying to figure out what your beef with Kanicbird or another avian poster was, and what rage you must be feeling to metaphorically describe their attacks as vertical shitting.

I think perhaps the answer is much more clearer and literal than that which I was thinking.

[magellan01]

Originally Posted by Scylla

$165 installed.

That bird and his buddies must be laughing their tails off.

For next time.

Or this.

[Scylla]

It's not the cost, really. It's the ignominy of having been goaded into becoming the architect of my own denouement, by a fucking bird.

It's walking back into your house and having your wife ask you "So, did you get it?"

I am generally a pretty good liar, or at least adept at spinning circumstances in such a manner as to reflect favorably on my behalf. However, the discharged pellet gun, the broken mirror, and the lack of a dead bird left me little opportunity for dissembling.

I do not enjoy having to explain to my wife what an idiot I am.


At the car dealership, they see the mirror. It looks exactly like the mirror got shot with a pellet gun. "Looks like somebody shot your mirror with a pellet gun. What happened?" they ask.

The shame of that question is much larger than you would think.

If you try to lie, than you have to admit to yourself, that not only are you an idiot to stupid to figure out the possible consequences of shooting at a mirror, not only are you such a terrible shot that you can't hit a sitting bird at 25 yards with a scoped pellet gun, you are also such a weasel that you can't even admit it.

So, I tried to downplay it. Which of course, made it more interesting.

"Yeah, I guess it got shot."

"Do you know who did it?" they ask.

"Yeah, I do. It was an accident, though."

"Huh! Some accident. What are they doing shooting pellet guns at your car? I hope they are going to pay you for it."

"Yeah, well, umm _{I kinda was the one who shot it}

"Oh," and then there's that uncomfortable silence where they kind of look at you the way your wife did when you tried to weasel out of admitting it.


On the bright side, I haven't seen the Shitbird since.


Here's the thing, though. If I do, I am going to kill the Motherfucker.

[j666]

This bird upset you enough to pull you away from a Robicheaux novel?

Man, you were pissed.

[Scylla]

Originally Posted by elucidator

The bird shits on your truck. Your truck shits in his air. Look at it from his point of view.

In point of fact, the Honda Ridgeline is a ULEV, an "Ultra Low Emissions Vehicle."

So, no.

[GuanoLad]

From the poetry of Edgar Allan Poo.

[phouka]

First, the Ancient Mariner killed an albatross, not a seagull.

Second, when you stare into the Shitbird, remember, the Shitbird stares into you.

[TWDuke]

..

[TWDuke]

Originally Posted by phouka

First, the Ancient Mariner killed an albatross, not a seagull.

What flavor?

[phouka]

It's a bloody sea bird. It doesn't have a bloody flavor.

[mhendo]

Originally Posted by Scylla

In point of fact, the Honda Ridgeline is a ULEV, an "Ultra Low Emissions Vehicle."

So, no.

Actually, yes.

The ULEV rating is comparative, so all it tells us is that a car with that rating is better than average. All cars, whether they have a ULEV rating or not, still put shit into the air.

According to the California Air Resources Board, the 2010 Ridgeline gets a Global Warming Score of 4 and a Smog Score of 5. This is on a scale of 1-10, where 10 is best, and where literally dozens of models get better than 7 on both scores.

Add to that the fact that the Ridgeline, by Honda's own figures, gets a ridiculous 17mpg combined EPA, and it's clear that to claim that this gas-guzzling auto doesn't "shit in his air" is completely idiotic.

But at least it might justify having this lame, MPSIMsy tale in the Pit.

[bucketybuck]

Mods, can you please move this masturbatory, not-half-as-funny-as-the-OP-obviously-thinks-it-is, lame pointless rubbish to the mundane and pointless forum please?

I bet the OP just LOVED writing that, giggling softly to himself at the thought of people on the internet giving him internet hand-jobs over another classic tale of an American mid-life crisis, in three parts.

Shitbird? . If you really want to shoot something I know a guy needs a kitten put down.

[NineToTheSky]

Originally Posted by Frank

Oh, for Pete's sake, don't bother. You get a hardon for a fucking bird because you can't be bothered to take the minor effort required to keep birds out of your car. Whoop-de-do.

Originally Posted by bucketybuck

Mods, can you please move this masturbatory, not-half-as-funny-as-the-OP-obviously-thinks-it-is, lame pointless rubbish to the mundane and pointless forum please?

I bet the OP just LOVED writing that, giggling softly to himself at the thought of people on the internet giving him internet hand-jobs over another classic tale of an American mid-life crisis, in three parts.

Shitbird? . If you really want to shoot something I know a guy needs a kitten put down.

I don't know if it's the audience or Scylla, but his stories used to be the toast of the town. How times change.

[BigT]

Originally Posted by NineToTheSky

I don't know if it's the audience or Scylla, but his stories used to be the toast of the town. How times change.

It's just that I don't believe they were usually posted in the Pit, where people criticize people in the shittiest way possible for the slightest things. And some people get the mistaken notion that this is behavior that is okay all the time, not just when you are venting.

Plus, it doesn't help that one is a person who generally doesn't like the guy (or at least his posts), and the other is a relative noob who can't even figure out the proper forum to request that the mods to do something. Or just to click a little button.

If anything, those insulting posts make it more likely that the thread would not be moved. And I'd be glad to help just to spite them by calling them both assholes, and probably getting myself called a lot worse.

[One And Only Wanderers]

Originally Posted by bucketybuck

Mods, can you please move this masturbatory, not-half-as-funny-as-the-OP-obviously-thinks-it-is, lame pointless rubbish to the mundane and pointless forum please?

I bet the OP just LOVED writing that, giggling softly to himself at the thought of people on the internet giving him internet hand-jobs over another classic tale of an American mid-life crisis, in three parts.

Shitbird? . If you really want to shoot something I know a guy needs a kitten put down.

Who shit in your coffee?

[The Stafford Cripps]

You called?

[bucketybuck]

Originally Posted by BigT

It's just that I don't believe they were usually posted in the Pit, where people criticize people in the shittiest way possible for the slightest things. And some people get the mistaken notion that this is behavior that is okay all the time, not just when you are venting.

Plus, it doesn't help that one is a person who generally doesn't like the guy (or at least his posts), and the other is a relative noob who can't even figure out the proper forum to request that the mods to do something. Or just to click a little button.

If anything, those insulting posts make it more likely that the thread would not be moved. And I'd be glad to help just to spite them by calling them both assholes, and probably getting myself called a lot worse.

I like you. You whine a lot, and the image of an earnest petty little whiney bitch is amusing to me. I picture you sitting ramrod straight at your computer, focusing all of your limited intellect on composing the next in a long line of irrelvant, meaningless little sniffle posts. After all, this is the message board "that has become your life". Got to take it seriously. I do have some questions though.

Why am I a noob when I joined before you?

You think I care if this gets moved? It wasnt a request to the mods, rather an illustration of my opinion of a very boring pit thread?

Why arent you in ATMB? Go! Right now! Petty drama is happening, you need to be there!!!

[Dead Cat]

I have no personal feelings for Scylla (a fact for which he should probably be glad), but I like what little I have read of him (although I feel that the blimp story, while excellent, has become a tad overrated), and I thought this was a classic. If this post gives him a hard-on, so be it - I was entertained.

[Hentor the Barbarian]

Hey, come on now. I yield to nobody in my antipathy for the guy, and I agree that his writing is pedestrian and overwrought and as superficial a product as that of a clever 13 year old with a thesaurus. I also have no problem imagining that his thoughts and expectations while writing these stories are like that of Ralphie from A Christmas Story writing his theme on the Red Ryder bb gun ("A++++++++!").

But sheesh, the guy wrote a mildly amusing (albeit for some reason three-parted) pit post about a bird shitting on his car. Let's not go over the top in condemnation.

[cosmosdan]

That was very funny. Enjoyed reading it. Thanks.

[cosmosdan]

Originally Posted by bucketybuck

Mods, can you please move this masturbatory, not-half-as-funny-as-the-OP-obviously-thinks-it-is, lame pointless rubbish to the mundane and pointless forum please?

I bet the OP just LOVED writing that, giggling softly to himself at the thought of people on the internet giving him internet hand-jobs over another classic tale of an American mid-life crisis, in three parts.

Shitbird? . If you really want to shoot something I know a guy needs a kitten put down.

It appears putting down kittens is more in line with your demeanor.

[Duke]

Not sure where you live, but the Shitbird may have defaced the interior of my wife's car a month or so ago. We were not happy campers. At least it only took a bit of cleaning, and not $165. But apparently little birdies just love Hondas.

Everybody knows somebody who claims they've seen bigfoot, or had a threesome, but in the way of urban myths, nobody will actually claim that they, personally, have firsthand knowledge.

Yes, Scylla, nobody has ever had a threesome, ever. Certainly not on this board, or in this thread.

[Hentor the Barbarian]

Originally Posted by Duke

But apparently little birdies just love Hondas.

Well, the Ridgeline in particular deserves to be shat upon. It's not a truck, it's an overblown El Camino.

[VunderBob]

Scylla, the feathered rodent perp was actually a foo bird. Everyone knows if the foo shits, wear it.

[Maus Magill]

What you need to do is find the Shitbird's nest and leave him a present.

[Vinyl Turnip]

A printed copy of the three-part tale, perhaps.

[billfish678]

Originally Posted by Duke

Not sure where you live, but the Shitbird may have defaced the interior of my wife's car a month or so ago. We were not happy campers. At least it only took a bit of cleaning, and not $165. But apparently little birdies just love Hondas.

Just a warning for you folks that like to keep your windows down. Just wait until a tom cat gets in your car and decides to mark his territory.

[Duke]

Originally Posted by billfish678

Just a warning for you folks that like to keep your windows down. Just wait until a tom cat gets in your car and decides to mark his territory.

It wasn't on purpose, because we have worse in the area...skunks.

[Mr. Excellent]

Bravo, Scylla! I always enjoy your Pit threads, and this is another fine addition to the canon.

Just be glad the Shitbird wasn't actually a raven - it might have decided to bring friends to harass you in revenge for the attempted birdicide.

[phouka]

Originally Posted by billfish678

Just a warning for you folks that like to keep your windows down. Just wait until a tom cat gets in your car and decides to mark his territory.

Quoted For Truth, billfish. On a roadtrip, my perpetually angry kitty, Raven peed in the car. Lesson 1: always keep the cat in her carrier even if she hates you forever.

Terrible smell and it was the middle of summer in Texas, so I decided to leave the window completely down to let it air out. I figured that a) my car was so old and lame no one would be interested in it, and b) even if someone did want to steal it, the odor of cat pee would put them off.

Strangely, the odor did not improve over the next couple of weeks. It got worse. Boxes of baking soda, bottles of enzymes, steam cleaning, none of it helped. I had no idea what was going on until I came out early this morning and saw a cat evacuate the car after it had clearly evacuated his bladder.

Lesson 2: if something smells like cat pee, and it's freely available, other cats will investigate and decide to add their own message.

My car smelled like cat pee for another two years until I moved to the California desert and could leave the window down and let the car bake in 120 degree heat. There were no cats there because the coyotes ate them all, and for some reason, the coyotes had no interest in my car.

[tdn]

Originally Posted by Dead Cat

I have no personal feelings for Scylla (a fact for which he should probably be glad), but I like what little I have read of him (although I feel that the blimp story, while excellent, has become a tad overrated), and I thought this was a classic. If this post gives him a hard-on, so be it - I was entertained.

I was actually really enjoying this thread until the fanboys came in to shit all over it.

Ah, another perfectly good thread ruined. Thanks, guys.

[Rand Rover]

Nice how the Threadshitbirds showed up to provide us all with an authentic experience of discovering shit where it isn't really necessary. Since I park my car in a garage, the Threadshitbirds really brought the story home for me. Thanks guys!

[crazyjoe]

Look, at least you were smart about it, and sat behind the truck. You sould have sat off to the side, in which case we would probably be hearing how much you spent on a new driver's door window.

Also, there are companies who will install just the new mirror portion for around 40 bucks. I know, because I have had it done.

[elucidator]

Originally Posted by Rand Rover

Nice how the Threadshitbirds showed up to provide us all with an authentic experience of discovering shit where it isn't really necessary. Since I park my car in a garage, the Threadshitbirds really brought the story home for me. Thanks guys!

You park the car yourself? You don't have people for that sort of thing?

[Jadis]

Rime. Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Not Rhyme. ::twitch::

[Snickers]

Shitbird shitting in the break of day,
Take this shiny truck and make it scowl,
All your life
You were only waiting for this mirror to befoul.

Shitbird shitting in the afternoon,
Take this open window and go inside,
All your life
You were only waiting for this Honda to deride.

Shitbird shit. Shitbird shit.
Onto the door and more on the floor.

Shitbird shit. Shitbird shit.
Onto the door and more on the floor.

Shitbird shitting in the break of day,
Take this shiny truck and make it scowl,
All your life
You were only waiting for this mirror to befoul.
You were only waiting for this mirror to befoul.
You were only waiting for this mirror to befoul.

With apologies to Paul McCartney.

[Vinyl Turnip]

Originally Posted by Rand Rover

Nice how the Threadshitbirds showed up to provide us all with an authentic experience of discovering shit where it isn't really necessary.

You're here to complain about threadshitters? Now I'm laughing.

[Really Not All That Bright]

What are you going to tell your wife when it starts shitting on the windshield?