I’m not George Costanza, but I have a fascination for bathrooms and what people do in there. I’ve made a few posts about it too, like the time I lost a poop face-off and when I describe what a perfect bathroom is like.
I’ve kind of gotten better about my Shy Anus Syndrome™ where I find it difficult to roll my logs when other people are in the room. However, recently because I’m been shitting a lot more due to the P90X workout raising my metabolism (that’s what I’m blaming it on anyway), I’ve had a lot more encounters with other people in the bathroom. Shy Anus™ or not, I can’t keep the floodgates closed forever, especially if that guy from the poop face-off comes in and beats me at my own game.
This past week where I averaged almost 3 Close Encounters of the Brown Kind per day, I discovered that my anus is much less shy if I’m the one in the bathroom first. I’m like a fecal Columbus, thrusting my ass down on the toilet seat and declaring the stall and everythere near it the property of my dark masters residing back across the other side of the colon.
When I’m in there first, I feel like I own it, and with that ownership comes the privilege of expunging biological weapons on the helpless masses to my heart’s content like a fascist dictator. Sound and thunder comes faster and a little less reluctant when I’m the first one there and someone follows me in after I’m already halfway done. It’s almost like I’m saying to myself that they are intruding into my kingdom, so they have to put up with whatever I’m already in the middle of doing, just like if I were a guest in someone’s outhouse, I should either not be there or keep my mouth shut about the smell and shake my host’s hand no matter what’s encrusted on it
So this perverse doctrine of First Shit turns me into a real-life camper. When I feel the dam about to break, I stake out the bathroom door, pretending to work while wandering aimlessly back and forth between the halls. When the last person empties out, I’m instantly on it like a brown on stool. Once the pants come off, it’s like I’m at my perfect sniper position, shooting the calm waters of the bowl with pellets of last night’s dinner, this morning’s breakfast, or that snack from a few minutes ago. I take aim with my black hole and reverse-gravity large masses into the fabric of water/porcelain, tearing holes into the bowl and my anal walls.
Let others come in, I no longer care (mostly). Let them hear, let them smell, let them feel the walls shake with the force of me dropping off the brown kids at the pool. I was there first
