There are plenty of fish in the sea -- but sometimes it doesn't feel like it

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So… I’ve been having rather pathetic luck with relationships for a long, long time. Almost as long as I’ve been trying to have relationships. I know I’m not alone in this; I have perspective. It just hurts a lot.

I feel like the last couple of years in particular have been dire. I’ve been getting my life together, but my love life is barren. Disappointment after disappointment: the guy I met online who was happy to spend hours talking to me over the phone, but didn’t call me back after we met in person; firefighter boyfriend who tried to weasel out of his own mistake by pinning it on me; and most recently, I got dumped by a guy I really liked, only it seems he didn’t like me all that much.

My dear friend S, bless him, has tried to console me. He promised me that if he were 30 years younger, or I 30 years older, that he’d snap me up and never let me go. “There’s plenty of fish in the sea,” he tells me. “There must be a million single men in this city, you’ll find one.” And I know, I know he’s right, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like it at all. Sometimes it just feels like I’m a giant whale shark, forlornly searching the sea for another whale shark.

S tells me I have plenty of good years ahead of me. I told him that its different for him – he’s still very eligible well into his sixties. My youth and whatever attractiveness I have will fade soon enough. I’d like to find someone to enjoy them with me while they last. I don’t feel like I’m looking for too much – I don’t expect Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet and make all my problems go away, I’d just like to have a real relationship more than once every three years.

My poor mother cries whenever I try to talk to her about this. She’s afraid I’ve inherited her luck with men.

People also tell me, “don’t look, one will come to you.” Yeah, if I did that I’d be alone for sure. No one’s coming to look for me. I’m not in love with the idea of being in love – I just want to meet someone that I like and be liked in return. I’m not looking to cast a role of boyfriend in my life, I’m looking for a person. I think most people have a natural desire for affection and companionship. Why shouldn’t I wish for that, too?

So I keep swimming in circles, trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong. I don’t know where that other whale shark is, or if there’s even one out there for me. I hope there’s one – there might be one – I can hope, right?

2

My wife could have written that. She was absolutely determined with every bit of herself that she was done with men, and would never let anyone close enough to even know her, let alone care about her. Meanwhile, I had completely given up on women, and had decided if I was ever going to be with one, she’d have to find ME and chase ME down. Then we met each other at work. It took six years, but we both eventually wore each other down until we had no choice but to get married.

The point is just what you’ve heard a million times before, and I know it probably won’t help to hear it again - it never did for me - but sometimes things really do work out. Looking back, I’m glad for those years of loneliness, because if I’d ended up with someone else, we’d never have gotten together.

3

Its quite true what you say about age. For instance, I still meet lots of hot young cuties. Only difference is, now they call me “Sir”.

4

I found mrAru by accident, we both played AD&D variants at he same game shop, and we ended up playing in the same weekly group and things just sort of hppened from there. I always had abysmal luck trying to find people. I always seemed to end up with idiots and jerks. The guys I found by accident always seemed to work out. I think it was mainly because we were not in a ‘looking for someone to date’ situations and got to know each other without the date-prospective issues. We started doing stuff together outside the game store on days we were not gaming, like going to the movies and going out for something to eat. They ended up turning into dates after a while. It did take about 6 months to transition form friendly meetup to date. [it originally started when we were both at the shop buying stuff on a non game day when his car was dead and he needed a lift back to the barracks, and we had lunch on the way back.]

Now there is an idea, any military bases near you? Military guys are reasonably safe dates, if they screw with you you can actually report them to their commands and they get into trouble … and they are usually really lonely and looking for someone that is willing to be nice to them. Many times locals are nasty to military [I put it down to needing the base for financial reasons, and a long term consideration of military as scum that are only in because the judge told them enlist or jail, or they couldnt find any ‘real’ job]

5

Don’t take this the wrong way but you might identify with this image.

6

Ding, ding, ding! No more calls, we have a winner. The extent to which you pursue it is the extent to which it eludes you. Pretend you don’t care, drives 'em nuts. And if, by pretending, you convince yourself, so much the better.

Disclaimer: a poll of the ten people closest to me would probably reveal unanimity in the opinion that I am just about the last person on God’s green Earth to offer relationship advice.

7

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Unfortunately, most of them are slimy and smell like fish.

8

Try this: For the immediate future, forget about finding a relationship. Just get out there and get laid. Hit the bars. Do the Coyote Ugly dance on the bar. Do it at a wine bar. Be a slut. Be a skank. Make the average porn star look like a dead pope. Who knows, at some point some guy might enjoy you enough to stick around. If not, you’ve had a good time and lost nothing but your self-respect, which is worth its weight in gold.

So . . . what town do you live in? :slight_smile:

9

I completely disagree with the notion that if you stop looking you will find him. I approached it like I was looking for a job and that worked out perfectly for me because I am a list maker and organizer by nature and just kind of wafting about hoping a man would find me at a social event left me a nervous wreck. Online dating was excellent for me. I figured out a process of weeding through men so I didn’t waste too much time with someone who wasn’t a good match for me and it put me in complete control of my love life, which in turn stopped me from feeling lonely and like I was never going to find anyone I could spend my life with someday. This process had several steps but the best one was Step 5: Imagine introducing him to my family and friends. Essentially if during the imaginary introductions I added a qualifier of any kind (He’s _____ but his kindness more than makes up for it) it was my mind’s way of telling me that I didn’t really like him enough to accept him the way he was and that I should walk away from that potential relationship to find someone I liked, warts’n’all. When I found The One it didn’t matter to me that he tells the same jokes over and over again or that he is completely bald because AFAIC he is greater than the sum of his parts and, quite frankly, I think he does a sexy job of rocking the baldness.

I got some great stories out of my dating process, including the crazy PETA member, the “elderly guy”, and BDSM potluck man. The best thing that I got out of the process was that it completely changed the way I approached dating. Instead of hoping against hope that the man I was on a date with would like me I instead worried about what *I *thought of him and I didn’t keep him around for any longer than it took for me to determine whether or not he was worth my time. It also encouraged me to keep looking because I didn’t feel discouraged during the process. I say fire up match.com or craigslist and start going out on a lot of dates. Don’t chat on the phone and through email forever getting to know one another first because that just makes a rejection after your first date very personal. Email a couple of times, talk on the phone a couple of times, then go out together and see what happens. If nothing happens chalk that up to an interesting experience and move on to the next response in your inbox.

10

I met my husband when I was 33 - I’d had, let’s see, one serious boyfriend before that, and I ended up in a woman’s shelter when I left him. My last boyfriend before I met my husband was a fundie who wouldn’t even call me his girlfriend (oh yeah, looking back you can see things clearly, you bet). I think when you wait longer for a good thing, you appreciate it more and it keeps things in perspective.

Don’t worry too much about losing your looks - when you find someone compatible, you’ll both think the other is great. He won’t care if you aren’t a swimsuit model. Think how wide your spectrum of what you find attractive in a man is; men are the same.

Feel free to disregard me, though - I disregarded everyone who told me I’d find someone someday. :slight_smile:

ETA: And everything pbbth posted - that’s how I approached online dating, too. Mr. Right wasn’t going to knock on my door while I was watching tv on the couch - I had to actively look for him.

11

I know how you feel. It has been years since I have even *met *a woman that I would want to date. (I don’t meet too many women in my field of work, less now that I work from home.)

I wish you luck!

12

I think this is good advice, but only if you apply it in the right way. Don’t go looking for a boyfriend per se, but instead try to set your life up so that (a) you’re happy and having fun and (b) you naturally come into contact with new people. Easier said than done, I know, but I think it gives you something concrete to focus on without feeling increasingly defeated and rejected. So, get friends together to go out to free concerts in the park, or wine tastings, or disco night at the local dive bar. Once you’re out with friends, try to strike up conversations with strangers, male or female. The more you talk to new people, the more likely you are to come into contact with someone you might have a connection with. And don’t forget to be proud of yourself just for putting yourself out there – that’s a hard, brave thing to do, and it makes you a badass just for doing it.

13

You know, New York isn’t that far from Southern Pennsylvania. :slight_smile:

ETA: Darn you to heck, Giraffe, sticking your long neck in between the post I meant to be after! {shaking fist smiley}

14

I feel you. I’m not sure at what point one is supposed to just accept that they may be someone that should be or “is meant to be” alone, forever, but I think I am approaching that point. I feel like I’ve dated every single man in this town and I’m exhausted of dating now. It gets old.

15

Well, the problem is with not trying is that when I was content not to chase after men, they were universally just as content to leave me be. I seriously dated two men that I met off-line, and with both of them I had to make the first move and ask them out. If I didn’t try as hard as I do, I would never have a date.

I like your advice a lot, pbbth. I think I need a perspective shift when it comes to dating. One of my friends blew my mind and gave me a lot of comfort when I was feeling down after being dumped last year when she said, “Look at it this way: if nothing else, you got a free meal out of him, and he got nothing from you.” It may sound crazy, but sometimes thinking about the things I DID get out of go-nowhere relationships is the only thing that makes me feel better.

16

I have to agree. The only people who think that someone comes along when you aren’t looking are those who already have someone.

17

I sympathize. I have a lot of the same trouble. Whatever spark of charisma it is that make women think, “I want to be with him,” I don’t have it. I’m just this guy, who apparently acts in such a way that I’m completely removed from the pool of datable guys, even when I do get out and socialize with new people. I’m fairly sure I know who I am, and I’m comfortable with who I am, but who I am doesn’t reach out and demand attention. It really makes me wonder where I can go from here that doesn’t involve completely shaking my life upside down.

18

Honey? Why didn’t you tell me you were a Doper too?

19

A very well-put OP.

I wish I had some helpful advice, or just consolation, but I’m in pretty much the same boat, myself.

20

I count you as lucky.

I swear every last women I’ve shown any sort of interest in in the last 10 years has rejected me. On the other hand pretty much every woman who has show any sort of interest in me, I’ve rejected.

I’ve just come to the conclusion that I don’t get relationships.