Long Distance and College...help?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hey guys,

I lurk here a lot–I hope you don’t mind that my first post is about this, and I hope this isn’t too long. I just really need some help.

I’ve been in an LDR for almost a year and a half now. He went off to college a year ahead of me, in a different state, and I stayed back at our high school as a senior. Things were incredibly awesome that year. We got closer than either of us had ever imagined possible. This year, though, I’m finally at college too, still far apart, with only breaks to see each other, and things are getting shaky.

I live in a room where I share a roommate; he has roommates, but doesn’t share his room. This creates a lot of problems when we wanna talk on the phone or Skype–I can’t always get privacy, have to keep moving throughout the dorm because people want to use the lounge/kitchen/wherever I am. My roommate also has a very different schedule than I do–coming in late, not intentionally disrupting my sleep, but, still…

Another thing is that I’ve been feeling very lonely. It isn’t his fault, really. I miss him like hell, yeah, but we both know there isn’t a lot to be done to fix that. I’ve noticed I’m alone when I don’t wanna be–dining hall, when he’s hanging with friends and can’t text, etc. But then I can’t find privacy when I want to study in private or talk on the phone. I’ll get stressed over some small problem, and try to explain the root of the issue to him, but he doesn’t really know how to help.

He feels badly for me, and keeps saying “Just because I’m not texting for a while or talking to you doesn’t mean I don’t love you and care about how you are…” I get that. It still hurts to be alone in these situations. We’re both quiet people and confide in each other more than anyone else, but lately it seems like every time I get quiet or frustrated, it leads to an argument. I want him to be with his friends and have fun, yes, but I’m also pretty lonely, and it’s not his fault. I have some friends here, but they can’t always hang out. I’m part of a couple of clubs too, and those are a little bit of relief.

We both really wish things would be the way they used to be–happier. We’re both terrified that these issues are gonna tear us apart. Tomorrow’s our 1.5-year mark. Can anybody offer some advice, please?

2

I’m confused. Are you asking us how to not be lonely or are you asking us what to do with the relationship?

If the latter, I say break it off. First, it’s not working for you. That’s the main thing. There’s no reason to stay in a relationship that isn’t giving you what you want. You need to be free to find someone who can spend time with you. Your boyfriend may be great in every way except the one that counts- making you happy.

Second, he’s cheating on you. How do I know? Because he’s 19, in college, and his girlfriend isn’t around. I guess there’s someone out there in a similar situation that isn’t banging someone on the side or having one-night stands, but I’ve never met him. 100% of the people I knew, guy and girl, in that setup were cheating.

If you’re just lonely and want to know how not to be, you’re already doing the right thing. You’re joining clubs and making friends. Just do more of that, and remember- everyone is lonely in their first year of college. No one has many friends yet and they don’t have an established routine. You’re normal. Just keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll find that come the summer, you’ll miss being in school.

3

You need more local friends to interact with. It sounds like you’re basically isolated and your LDR is your only real social outlet (I could be wrong, you just didn’t mention it) so you need to get out more. Not just the clubs, but hang out with some of those people after club meetings.

I know many people say it, but long distance relationships very very rarely work out in the long term, especially high school sweethearts. Real life is just too different from high school and people spread their wings and fly into life.

4

[quote=“Chessic_Sense, post:2, topic:568570”]

Second, he’s cheating on you. How do I know? Because he’s 19, in college, and his girlfriend isn’t around. I guess there’s someone out there in a similar situation that isn’t banging someone on the side or having one-night stands, but I’ve never met him. 100% of the people I knew, guy and girl, in that setup were cheating.
QUOTE]

I know for a fact he isn’t, and he never would. We’ve had discussions about that before. We communicate nearly 24/7. I trust him, and he trusts me.

We still make each other happy, but we’re very worried that the moodswings I have are driving us apart. I’ve been trying, for a long time, to figure out the reasons for these. As best I can figure, a lot of it comes from missing the privacy I was used to growing up, living in my own room. I’m trying to figure out ways to not let my emotions get to the point where it affects our conversations.

5

Where do you expect this relationship to go? It sounds like you have at least 3 more year of the LDR thing, and after that, do you expect to both move to the same place? 3 years is an extremely long time for something like this, especially when you’re in college.

My high school gf & I decided to break up right before we both left for school. Our colleges were only 50 miles apart, but we were both smart enough to see that it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to keep it going. We still remained friends for a long time, and still would be now if she weren’t a globe-trotter out to save the world one continent at a time.

Honestly, college really isn’t the best time to try to have an exclusive relationship. You’re only one semester in, so you’re only beginning to see just how busy things get there. You’ll be way happier if you don’t have an OBLIGATION holding you back from trying new things, or just trying to stay on track with schoolwork.

6

I suggest that your main issues are not directly related to your long distance relationship. Rather, they’re the going-away-to-college issues that are common to lots of people: adjusting to a new living situation; finding friends, people to hang out with, a new support group; figuring out who you are and who you want to become and what you want to be involved with in the context of this new environment. These are things that you’d have to deal with, whether or not you had a boyfriend who was many miles away. The only reason it feels like a problem with your relationship is because you’re used to him being your support system in all the issues you’re facing, and now, through no fault of his or your own, he can’t be that to your satisfaction.

I won’t say the relationship is necessarily doomed or that you should dump him. But I will advise you to look around you, be present and live your life where you are instead of having your head and heart hundreds of miles away. Aside from mainatining some connection with your boyfriend and not getting involved romaintically or sexually with anyone else, I’d advise you to approach college life as you would if you didn’t have a boyfriend. And don’t assume everything should come easily; adjusting to college life has its struggles for everyone.

7

To be blunt, I think you’re a fool for committing yourself to an exclusive, long-distance relationship at your age. Please go out and meet a lot of people and do a few crazy things. There will be a time in your life when that isn’t an option, and you’ll wish you had.

8

Part of the point of going away to college is learning to be on your own; it’s going to be a big part of who you are going forward as a fully-privileged adult, and if you’re spending all your time trying to maintain your pre-college life, you’re wasting an amazing opportunity that many people don’t get. For a lot of people the friends they made in college are the ones that they kept for their whole lives, not the ones they grew up with. This should be the greatest time of your life-- it’s the only time in your life that you’ll have all of the privileges of adulthood with none of the responsibility. Please take advantage of it while you can.

9

Indeed. I got with my fiancee immediately upon returning from the war, to which I left when I was 19. While our relationship is as perfect as can be expected of two people, I still wish I’d dated more. FWIW, she thinks the same thing. If we could have put off our relationship for a year or two, we’d both be happier.

Don’t make that mistake if you don’t have to. Break it off. Be single. Enjoy college.

10

I got some good advice a while ago regarding my husband; it went something like, don’t make my problems the only conversations I have with him. I suspect that’s what you’re doing now - he’s your source of support, so he’s your wailing wall. Try enforcing a moratorium on yourself, that your conversations with him will be limited to positive things, not an endless stream of complaints. Also, don’t be in contact 24-7 - how about one phone call per day? That will take some stress off both of you, to allow you time to be doing what you’re supposed to be doing, which is getting an education.