Long Distance College (again...)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hey everyone,

So, yeah, I admit, I’ve made a thread related to this topic before.

In the meantime, I feel as though I’ve grown a lot from that. (yeah, that thread’s…embarrassing :smack: )

But now we’re hitting another snag. I’m a girl, and he’s a guy. He told me last night that he gets these “urges” when he’s far away from me and at his school–like now. Like, urges to do things with other women. Okay, he’s a guy, that’s pretty normal.

Then he said he’s feeling “restricted” and feels as though we’re “missing out” on college life.

Personally, I don’t feel this way. I’ve got pretty great classes and good friends. I’m involved in a really exciting research position in my field for the first time. I’ve got an office job too. I’m working towards getting a car next year (admittedly, to see him, yet also so I don’t have to rely on the one that keeps…dying). I actually have privacy this year and enjoy the clubs I’m in a lot.

I’ve never been the type to see the attraction of parties, just because of the way I was raised. Alcohol tastes like shit to me (I know, it all does), and its effects aren’t that great. Both of us are introverts, although he likes the social aspect of alcohol more than I do. He said last night that he wants to experience that side of college. I find it hard to see him even going to a party, knowing how he is in social situations. But then again, we see completely different sides of the issue.

And, because of the distance, he has given me his blessing to do whatever I want to with other people, as long as I keep him informed. However, because I love him so much, and like a lot of women, tie physical stuff into my emotional connections with people. I just can’t see myself enjoying it with a stranger, and nor would I want to because of loving him. My policy is “look, but don’t touch.”

I know he’d like it if I could say “Go ahead,” to him too. Thing is, I just don’t work that way. He proposed about a year and a half ago, and still wants to marry me. He’s sworn that he loves me more than anything and in a way he could never love anyone else over and over. I trust him completely not to be physical with anyone else unless I give him the go-ahead. I can’t imagine being with anyone else, and nor do I want to imagine him doing the same. He mentioned last night that his urges make him “feel like a pig.”

He’s afraid that we’ll get “stale.” I feel completely fine where I am right now in college, but I’ve always thought of it more from a “let’s get my degree” perspective. I know he, on the other hand, is a lot more likely to succumb to peer pressure, according to past experiences, and he isn’t as set on his goal of getting a degree. I don’t want to control him. I don’t want to mother him. But thinking of him with anyone else intimately besides me is a complete dealbreaker in my mind.

We still text pretty often, call almost every night. I’ve told him that calling a few times a week and texting the rest would be fine with me, but he doesn’t really seem to think it would help preventing the “staleness.” I feel like it’s worth a shot. Neither one of us wants to break up.

Any advice? Thanks in advance!

2

He wants to see other women. He’s being as delicate and considerate as a fine gentlemen ought, but it comes down to the same thing.

You’re not in the same place, at this moment in time, relationship wise. He wants to step out, you’re not built that way.

I think it’s likely he won’t go the distance, without either breaking up with you or cheating on you, till graduation. Neither of you want to break up, but he wants more than your relationship provides, at the moment. It’s only a matter of time, in my opinion.

You need to decide which would be more heart breaking, him breaking up with you, (because he has/or wants to, sleep with someone else), or you breaking up with him, (while you still love him and had pictured a lifetime together), and hope that he finds his way back to you. I certainly wouldn’t count on it, but the possibility does exist.

I think you’re a pretty intelligent and savy and mature young woman. I also think you can see the writing on the wall. To ignore, what you can clearly see, is an insult to your intellect and usually has disastrous results.

Good Luck!

3

I pretty much agree with what elbows said. If I were you, I’d break up with him. Then you can hopefully end things on good terms rather than having things end in a worse way later because he decided to leave you for someone else.
Maybe once he has “sown his wild oats” he will realize that what you guys had was a good thing and you can work things out later, but it sounds like he just isn’t in the right mindset to be in a serious relationship right now.

4

Since you’re looking for opinions and advice, I’ll move this to our opinions-and-advice forum, IMHO.

twickster, MPSIMS moderator

5

elbows has some wisdom there.

He is saying that he does not want to be in this relationship. He may love you. He may be perfect for you. But right now and for the near future, he does not want to be with you. Your options now are to drag stuff out and end up doing things you regret, or start the process of moving on.

It’s hard, but try not to take this personally. You are awfully young to be in this serious of a relationship and it probably isn’t that he doesn’t want to be with you as a person as much as that he wants to date and do the college thing like his friends are doing.

I suggest getting a copy of “He’s just not that into you.”. It’s actually a pretty good book that lays things out pretty clearly.

I’m sorry you are going through this, and you know you can always come here for support. I think you’ll find eventually that things worked out for the best.

6

Sven has some wisdom of her own,

I’m referring to the comment about being too young for a heavy relationship. He obviously hasnt matured enough, and I dont mean that as a bad thing. One should’nt make huge decisions that could jeapordize, or distract oneself from achieving major goals. It sounds like you have such goals. If you two are destined to be together, you will both be much better off once you have established yourselves as individuals first.

It’s got to be hard to see right now, but this is what my 50 year old self would tell my 20 year old self if it were possible.

7

Sven and Snake:

Yeah, as much as I hate to say it, I’ve thought along those lines for a while–that we’re very young for this. When he asked me he said “I know a lot of people would think we’re crazy to be doing this so young…” I feel like we do need to take some steps back and figure out ourselves individually, and there are days when I feel like I’m a lot more grounded in that than he is.

Like when I was working over 40 hours a week this past summer just for college money, and he only around 20–and he doesn’t really have much to worry about with college financially. He couldn’t fully understand why I, as he put it “was always tired.” I don’t resent him for it. I’m just hurt.

I just really wish there was some way to do that without putting on the brakes for us as a couple. You’d think the distance would help…

And he’s said that when we are together physically, he doesn’t get those urges as much.

I just wish this decision were an easier one and didn’t hurt so much, you know? :frowning:

8

Yeah Kemanchi, thats brutal. I’m sorry you have to deal with this on top of school and working too. You are very much like my wife in that respect. She worked her butt off, paid for her education, and has become a very successful, strong willed woman because of it. I dont deserve her thats for sure.

9

These two statements are in direct contradiction to each other.

Knowing nothing about either of you or your relationship other than what you posted, what I see are two people who want different things, but are content to continue on their path because that is “how they were raised”. IOW, he is proposing at such a ridiculous age, probably because people where you are or where he is from just marry their high school / college sweethearts. But like most 20 year old college guys, he also wants to get drunk and bang sorority chicks.

The attraction is they usually have college-age girls who get drunk and hook up with guys.

10

msmith–yeah. We did come from the same high school, but started dating after he graduated. He has sworn multiple times that he would never cheat on me.

11

In a normal healthy relationship, he wouldn’t need to swear that he would never cheat on you.

12

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.”
– Richard Bach

13

God knows that quote has been on both our minds lately. I know it’ll hurt, but I’m beginning to think that’s the best option. Even if it’s only for a week–cutting off all communication and seeing if he does miss me or feel anything after all that he’s said about loving me and wanting to marry me seems like a good test.

He said the other night when he was explaining these urges that “It’s not you, it’s me.” And I guess that’s true. I feel like I’ve put so much energy into all this, and feel so betrayed. I feel like such a firm believer in “out of sight is not out of mind.”

We’ll talk later today. Wish me luck. Thanks everyone.

14

The thing is, I also have the urge to bang every hot girl I see. I don’t feel compelled to tell my girlfriend this (or act on it). That sort of talk seems like a prelude to either breakup up or cheating on you. Usually the progression goes something like this:

“I love you and want to be with you forever.”
“I swear I would never cheat on you.”
“What are you upset about, she wasn’t flirting with me.”
“I love you but I sometimes have the urge to be with other women.”
“She’s just a friend from class.”
“Why don’t you ever trust me?”
“My phone battery dies last night. That’s why I couldn’t call.”
"I think we should see other people (since I’ve been seeing other people since ‘I swear I would never cheat on you’ anyway.)

15

From Jeff Foxworthy:
Guys, if a woman says to you “I think we should start seeing other people,” trust me, she has already cut a pony from the herd, and if she ain’t ridin’ him yet, she has pulled the saddle out of the barn.

Wish I’d known this when I was your age.

I’d say cut your losses. It will be hard and it will hurt. But right now you’re walking into that forest of red flags that, according to one of our Dopers here, will beat you up on the way out. That will hurt more.

I’m sorry.

16

Thank you, everyone, for all your support :slight_smile:

Today…today has been crazy. This entire weekend has.

So this afternoon we got on Skype and discussed “options.” We came to the conclusion, ultimately, that we would try being “single” for two weeks.

Both of us went nearly psycho going through the process of making it Facebook official. Like…we could not stop crying. We couldn’t quit talking for more than a couple hours either, despite deciding we needed to curb our communication some.

I tried over and over to explain to him why I had issues with him being physical with other women. I had serious doubts that he got it.

But then, at about 9:30 tonight, he asked if I could talk then. I was in the middle of some research, and had to finish that, but then we got on Skype.

He said “I made a mistake.”

“What?”

“I made a mistake…with all this. I don’t wanna lose you. You mean too much to me.”

Yes, I love this man.

17

I’m glad things worked out.

In my opinion, you will probably still need to work on the issue. Breaking up is traumatic, and this whole exchange seems like it was very emotionally charged. Besides love, i also see a lot of fear and panic in this interaction. Such emotional moments sometimes don’t translate directly into real life. The words say one thing, but saying words is not the same as fixing the problem. The problem is still there. It still needs attention or nothing is solved.

I’m not sure what the solution could be. More cyber/phone sex? Dirty pictures of you? Planning upcoming erotic encounters in detail? Brainstorming other ways he can feel accomplished at parties besides picking up on girls?

18

I had this kind of relationship in college. We decided to ‘break-up’ while we still had warm fuzzy feelings and trusted each other. We didn’t wait for distance, lonliness, distrust, and doubt to do it for us. We promised each other that we would lead our own lives until after graduation and then see where we were. We never did get back together. We each grew into our own person, and found others that complimented our new selves. His wife is a wonderful woman who is absolutely perfect for him, and I can’t imagine life without my husband. If we had stayed together, we might have made it work, but both of us would have missed out on so much.

Don’t be afraid to let go. Its hard, its scary, its lonely, but it will be worth it. Don’t say goodbye, Just say,“See ya later”

19

Good luck. However, since the underlying problem is still there, I would suggest trying to emotionally preparing yourself for the likely outcome that even though he loves you very much, he will continue to be tempted to “see what else is out there” and sooner or later this will become an issue again. It’s not about you. It never was about you. It’s about the age he is and the circumstances.